Ultimatum weight loss.

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  • blueboxgeek
    blueboxgeek Posts: 574 Member
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    To me, a hubby who loves you should love and adore you at any weight. If you don't want to lose weight then he should accept that. If you do want to lose weight then he should support you and give you help, not ultimatums.

    He may just not find your current body shape attractive, that's fair enough. We all like and dislike certain things. But he's your husband and I personally think that giving an ultimatum about losing weight or your marriage.... is just awful. (((hugs)))
  • FatMoojor
    FatMoojor Posts: 483 Member
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    The obstacle in your relationship is a highly ungrateful husband who doesn't appear to understand the work that you must have put in to bringing up a family while he was in the army.
    Lose weight for yourself and ditch him.
  • sheermomentum
    sheermomentum Posts: 827 Member
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    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.

    Excellent summary.
  • apeydawn423
    apeydawn423 Posts: 118 Member
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    Honey if that man loves you he's going to love everything about you. One thing I have learned is those of us who are obese normally don't love ourselves. So your first goal is to learn to love yourself because if you don't love yourself enough to care about your own health then it would be hard for anyone else!
  • ejb06070
    ejb06070 Posts: 276 Member
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    billieljaime wrote: »
    you could lose more than 85 lbs in less than a day and be better off for it....hows that ultimatum?

    Haha, that took me a minute, but it's definitely true

  • djc0821
    djc0821 Posts: 12 Member
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    Once you are out from under the daily pressure of a bad marriage, you may find it easier to lose the weight. As others have said, get counseling for yourself. When he says, "I love you, but..." that "but" negates everything ahead of it. He doesn't sound like a loving, supportive, appreciative person to me. Counseling will help you decide if you are better off with him or without him. Hugs!
  • TuffChixRule
    TuffChixRule Posts: 190 Member
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    If he loved you he wouldn't be issuing an ultimatum (order) like you are one of his subordinates. Lose the weight for yourself. I know I'm just rehashing what the other posters have said but I have a bit more understanding in this, as I was married to a military man for 13 years. Please note that I said WAS. They have been following and issuing orders for so long that they don't know how to relate to non-military and it's especially hard on spouses and children. Feel free to send me a message or a friend request and (((HUGS))) to you.
  • Patttience
    Patttience Posts: 975 Member
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    Well I say take it as an opportunity. Lose it now. You may not want him by the time you've lost the weight but lose it anyway.

    But make it a positive experience. If you get depressed, you will fail. Depression and weight loss don't work. I also suggest you consider some counselling. Stress and pressure and weight loss don't work so well either.

    Establish a good doable plan and stick with it. If you can't stick with it or struggle, your plan is no good. To me the best way to lose weight is to work out a healthy way of eating that you can live with for the rest of your life. If you have been eating unhealthy for all your life you may not know what healthy is and it may take some time to work out. But essentially if its a type of food you can't stop eating, then its probably unhealthy. If its food that does not satisfy you, then its probably unhealthy. If its food you can't stop thinking about when you are not around it, its probably unhealthy. Learn to live without all the junk and embrace fruit and vegetables and other healthy foods.
  • ptsmiles
    ptsmiles Posts: 511 Member
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    I am so sorry that this is happening. He should love you no matter your size. You stood by his side and took care of the house and kids while he was away. :(
  • michaelafoor916
    michaelafoor916 Posts: 710 Member
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    wow this is hard to read... any man who says that to you is no man that truly loves you. I can't tell you what to do because I don't know you or him or your lives, but if a man EVER said that to me, I'd tell him to get his *kitten* out of my house and .... xoef8l37h09h.png
  • LeslieB042812
    LeslieB042812 Posts: 1,799 Member
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    I agree with what everyone else has said, but somehow feel the need to chime in. You deserve so much better--even if better is being alone. Being alone is so much better because you at least don't have someone else's negativity bringing you down. Trust me.....I've been there! And, I've come out on the other side so much happier. Now, my husband (second one) loves me and appreciates me at any weight I am (he married me at my all time highest weight!). I didn't think that was possible, but it is. It's possible for you too.

    Love yourself and lose the weight for you. Don't let someone else (even if he's all you've known and even though he's the father of your children) make you feel badly about yourself.

    All the best!!!!! I know this is hard and will probably get harder before it gets better but we're all rooting for you!!!!
  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
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    macgurlnet wrote: »
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.

    +1 for this.

    I'm so sorry he's putting you in this position.

    *hugs*

    ~Lyssa

    + 10000 what happens to the relationship for the year or so it takes to lose the weight? Sorry no man demands his partner lose weight....are you sure it isn't an excuse to make you think you are to blame if (possibly when) he leaves.
  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
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    And as the child of both a broken and toxic home I was so much better in the broken home.....toxic poisons everything INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY children.
  • ValerieMartini2Olives
    ValerieMartini2Olives Posts: 3,041 Member
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    Ready2Rock206 wrote: »
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3

    It's blunt but the truth. Your marriage is over. If you're going to lose weight, do it for you.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    Good luck do it for yourself and avail yourself of the good information and support you cna get on MFP.

    Being a bit controversial though it doesnt surprise me that weight can become an issue in a marriage, but its likely to be one of many issues and I hope you get to both talk about those in counseling.

    You cna definitely lose the weight although youd need to figure out your motivation and whether you can harness losing it or whether an ultimatum would be too much pressure. Its probably better just to do it for yourself.
  • aurora184
    aurora184 Posts: 54 Member
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    I'll sent you a friendship request. I have a 100+ lbs journey so I'm on MFP for the next few years. I haven't told my hubby I'm losing weight cuz' I don't want to feel any pressure at all (nobody knows I'm losing, heck I even signed up on the English version of MFP to avoid the possibility of running into people I know lol). With an "pathetic example of the male part of this planet" for a husband (excuse my opinion) I think you probably could use all the positive support available. And if he's giving you a hard time..... you just let me know. I'm an elementary school teacher...... I eat military guys for breakfast (and logging their calories in MFP LMAO). Big hug to you and I'm proud of you for being honest and working on your health.
  • marsinah1
    marsinah1 Posts: 106 Member
    edited August 2015
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    No matter what you decide to do for yourself, I wish you the best. Please, do give the counseling a go as you said you might. A trained professional with an outsider's point of view to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of could go a long ways to helping you decide what's in your best interest for the long term. Being able to reduce or eliminate medications would be a wonderful reason for you to work on your health. Stick around on MFP, one of the things I've noticed in my few months here is that there are many empathetic and knowledgeable people on this site.
  • 50andfabu
    50andfabu Posts: 112 Member
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    He says he loves you, but the words are easy to say. You prove your love for someone through actions and by supporting them. (From someone who has been in your position. Message me if you want to hear more of my story.)

    Good luck to you.
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
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    ValerieMartini2Olives wrote: »
    Ready2Rock206 wrote: »
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3

    It's blunt but the truth. Your marriage is over. If you're going to lose weight, do it for you.

    That's jumping the gun a bit, wouldn't you say? Considering you aren't part of the relationship? While the ultimatum was wrong, there's a communication fix that can happen, and counseling is obviously needed. For you, a stranger, to tell someone to just 'end the marriage' is wrong.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
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    blueboxgeek wrote: »
    To me, a hubby who loves you should love and adore you at any weight. If you don't want to lose weight then he should accept that. If you do want to lose weight then he should support you and give you help, not ultimatums.

    He may just not find your current body shape attractive, that's fair enough. We all like and dislike certain things. But he's your husband and I personally think that giving an ultimatum about losing weight or your marriage.... is just awful. (((hugs)))

    +1

    There may be more to it than attractiveness. Leaving out the obvious other negative things that can be a factor, OP does say her health is affected by her weight and that can be an obstacle to a relationship. Constant worry over the other person's health, especially if it's something the person can fix but won't, puts a huge strain on a relationship.

    Either way, an ultimatum is the ultimate in stupid ways to go about encouraging anyone to lose weight unless it's coming from a doctor. I'd be making a beeline for a marriage counselor.

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