Ultimatum weight loss.
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I would take charge of your health for yourself, for your kids. Go to counseling, for yourself and as a couple if he'll go. Maybe you two can find a "new normal" and move forward. Maybe you can't.
Focus on your peace, health and happiness. Please don't let any one of those things be dependent on someone else.
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snickerscharlie wrote: »@ atypicalsmith I don't consider myself the gorging type. I don't eat sugar and haven't since December, before that I was never a binger/gorger and I don't drink, never have because my husband was a soldier and deployed so often that I was always aware that I had to be alert and responsible for the kids, besides alcohol depressed me which is the last thing I need! I am also not a whiner. My weight came on slowly over the course of 25 years, my biggest weight was in 2006 when I had a close friend widowed by the war. Since then I have taken of 65 lbs and kept it off. 22 lbs of that since Dec when i quit all sugar and sugar subs. He retired recently and yes there might be a rat, a midlife crisis, PTSD, another woman, but many of the supporters and friends on this thread have said the thing that hits home, it's about me, my health, my future, my life. If he has issues, "rats" he has to deal with them or ask for help. I can't fall out of love very easily, but he is certainly not the same man I married right now.
I can only echo that whatever changes you want - be it in your life in general or your body in particular - you absolutely *must* do it for you, first and foremost, and then for your children. That was an incredibly selfish, shallow and hurtful thing for your husband to do. And sometimes you really have to teach people how to treat you. I hope you can find the strength and determination to teach him well, even if it means he gets to look at your newly toned backside as you're walking away from him and his dysfunction.
I do think counselling is in order - couples counselling if he'll agree to it, but don't be surprised if you get the, "It's *your* problem, not mine!" school of thought. Regardless, counselling for you would be of great benefit. Use this time while you're losing weight to get your ducks in a row - personally and financially - so that as your options open up you will garner the strength from that to allow you to make whatever decisions are best for you and your kids.
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Thanks, that is exactly my thought as well, including the toned backside
We are trying to work it out, he is kind of remorseful this week. But what was said was said. He has agreed to counseling. 0 -
Keep us posted - I hope he actually goes through with the counselling. That would definitely be a positive step forward. 0
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Hey! Glad to see that progress is being made. You're beautiful, strong, and you got this. Whether your decision is ultimately to stay or go, it's yours to make, no one else's. You've got my user name, feel free to send it a message. I find when I really am just to my limits, typing up a letter in Microsoft Word, then deleting it after, makes me feel a lot happier. Great that you two have a line of communication going.0
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That's awful hun, lose the weight and show him what he's missing! Love should be based on a connection, not looks.. The attraction should be a plus.. The last 2 years I have kept it in my head that my ex didn't want me bc I gained weight.. But now I know that I am better than that! Stay strong and do what makes YOU happy0
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You are beautiful. Lose it for yourself. If you lose it for anyone else, it may work, but it will be harder to keep it off. Ultimatums are never the answer.0
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I'll try not to run down your husband as enough has been said about that but if it were the other way around, if he was overweight and you were skinny binny - would you still love him? I'm guessing a yes. Have you said this to him?
The only time I would say anything to my partner about his weight is if it affected his health or happiness and even then, I would be careful with my words when I speak to him.0 -
ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.
This is what I read so far that makes the most sense. People read someone is asking another person to lose weight for the sake of their marriage and automatically say the person being asked to lose weight should walk away. We don't know the whole situation and should not just advise a person to leave their spouse of 25 years based on a few sentences we read in a post. Maybe there is more to the situation than we know.
There could be a milion things. Maybe her weight is keeping them from doing certain outdoors activities, has caused her health issues, low sex drive. Maybe the kids are all grown and he wants them to live a healthy life together. There could be a thousand (reasonable) reasons behind his request. We cannot just sit here and tell her to leave without knowing MUCH MUCH more about their relationship.
She says he's a different man, I bet she's a different woman too. People change in 25 years. As long as he is not being verbally abusive, calling her names (related to her weight), humiliating her about it, then I don't see why asking a significant other to lose weight be a bad thing. If anything he might be concerned for their future together. He might want them to grow old together and enjoy a happy retirement. She did mention that she wants to get off diabetes and cholesterol medecine.
People need to stop and think for a minute before telling other to go make a really important life decision like that based off NOTHING, because there are some people out there who actually WILL follow your advice.
My advice to you, woman to woman is to sit and reassess the situation. Why did he ask you to lose weight? Is her truly concerned about you and your well being, or he just suddenly became a complete jerk and is only interested in size 2 women. Do not make a decision about your marriage without sitting down and analyzing every aspect of your relationship.
I still think you need to lose the weight, first and foremost, for YOU. So you can be healthy and happy. So you can get off those diabetes and cholesterol meds. So you can wear those nice clothes you said you want to wear. So you can feel confident when in the bedroom with your husband. Do it FOR YOU!!! If in the process it makes your husband happy... two birds, one stone.
You've already taken the biggest and most important step by seeking advice and support for your fitness/fat loss journey so I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this.
Good luck
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tatilove1988 wrote: »ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.
This is what I read so far that makes the most sense. People read someone is asking another person to lose weight for the sake of their marriage and automatically say the person being asked to lose weight should walk away. We don't know the whole situation and should not just advise a person to leave their spouse of 25 years based on a few sentences we read in a post. Maybe there is more to the situation than we know.
There could be a milion things. Maybe her weight is keeping them from doing certain outdoors activities, has caused her health issues, low sex drive. Maybe the kids are all grown and he wants them to live a healthy life together. There could be a thousand (reasonable) reasons behind his request. We cannot just sit here and tell her to leave without knowing MUCH MUCH more about their relationship.
She says he's a different man, I bet she's a different woman too. People change in 25 years. As long as he is not being verbally abusive, calling her names (related to her weight), humiliating her about it, then I don't see why asking a significant other to lose weight be a bad thing. If anything he might be concerned for their future together. He might want them to grow old together and enjoy a happy retirement. She did mention that she wants to get off diabetes and cholesterol medecine.
People need to stop and think for a minute before telling other to go make a really important life decision like that based off NOTHING, because there are some people out there who actually WILL follow your advice.
My advice to you, woman to woman is to sit and reassess the situation. Why did he ask you to lose weight? Is her truly concerned about you and your well being, or he just suddenly became a complete jerk and is only interested in size 2 women. Do not make a decision about your marriage without sitting down and analyzing every aspect of your relationship.
I still think you need to lose the weight, first and foremost, for YOU. So you can be healthy and happy. So you can get off those diabetes and cholesterol meds. So you can wear those nice clothes you said you want to wear. So you can feel confident when in the bedroom with your husband. Do it FOR YOU!!! If in the process it makes your husband happy... two birds, one stone.
You've already taken the biggest and most important step by seeking advice and support for your fitness/fat loss journey so I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this.
Good luck
Definitely this!0 -
Hey! Glad to see that progress is being made. You're beautiful, strong, and you got this. Whether your decision is ultimately to stay or go, it's yours to make, no one else's. You've got my user name, feel free to send it a message. I find when I really am just to my limits, typing up a letter in Microsoft Word, then deleting it after, makes me feel a lot happier. Great that you two have a line of communication going.
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I get the letter thing, lol. I do that and I also have a private Pinterest page where I pin quotes, sad, happy, mad whatever. Feels good, like shedding almost if that makes sense. Food journaling is an incredible tool I am finding out. MFP has made me feel better than anything lately. I have received a tone of positive, good messages from so many people that have helped me clear my head, you are one of them. Thanks to you and them.
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This is not my first time on MFP.... and I can tell you, without any reservation, that the support and friendship you will gain on this page can help you have a successful journey. The last time I was on here, I lost 45 pounds. Unfortunately, they found their way back home due to life and stress.
That being said.... losing weight for someone else will not work. You need to be doing this for yourself. My husband basically tried to do the same thing to me. But, that (with other problems) was enough for me to say I'm out. If he cannot love you for who you are, he doesn't deserve you.
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you cannot lose weight for him. you have to do it for yourself. ultimatums rarely work. and he is a patootie for giving such an ultimatum. I hope counseling helps both of you communicate and create a supportive enviroment0
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I am trying to save my marriage. I have 85 lbs to lose, I pretty much need to lose it or lose my husband. I have been overweight for 15 years of our 25 year marriage and he of course looks great. He was in the military and always worked out and stayed fit, even when deployed several times. I stayed home, worried, raised the kids and ate. Now he is telling me that it's an obstacle to our relationship, that he loves me but.....I am heartbroken but determined. Who knows. Maybe when I am done, I'll look too good for him.
Read it and re-read it. Everybody will have sympathy with you, but here, as far as I can see, are the facts.
1. Your husband loves you.
2. Your husband is insecure that you don't love him and your kids enough to want to get healthy.
3. Your husband has not reacted in a way that many would consider appropriate, helpful or supportive and this can be very upsetting.
4. Your husband sounds kinda like a d!ck, but if he's been married to you for 25 years, he's probably a good guy.
5. Your husband loves you - sorry but it needs to be said again - but he doesn't express it well.
So here you go.
1. Yes, that ultimatum was a God awful thing to do. It was nasty, but it's not his one defining thing. Don't use it as an excuse not to get healthy. Start a plan in spite of your husband's meanness, not because of it.
2. Tell your husband how you feel. All men, myself included, hate it when our wives tell us how they feel. However after they genuinely say what is on their minds, we do actually listen.
3. Ask your husband to be supportive and to help you with weight loss. If he was in the military, he's probably used to acting on orders of his CO, he might not be a great communicator. But he may be a good motivator.
4. Watch shows like The Biggest Loser. I watch both the US and Australian versions. We have our own equivalent here in Ireland - Operation Transformation.
5. Read the success stories here. Don't just read the people who lost 200 punds, but also read the ones who lost 20 pounds.
Tell your husband that the ultimatum was very hurtful but that you do want to get healthy and with his help.0 -
Only weight you need to loose is your husband... but if you want to loose weight for you. Do it girl!0
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Thanks, that is exactly my thought as well, including the toned backside We are trying to work it out, he is kind of remorseful this week. But what was said was said. He has agreed to counseling.
I'm very glad to hear this. I, too, have been married for 25 years. We've both said things we regretted later over the years - who hasn't? - but this was obviously a big one for the two of you. I think it's great that he's feeling remorse, so obviously he knows it was a big deal, and a good thing that he's willing to get counseling with you. Working through things together is a huge first step.
I'm glad to see you're ignoring the posts from everyone saying things like 'time to drop him' and 'only weight to lose is the husband' because those are such shallow, thoughtless statements. After all these years together I doubt that one thoughtless thing said is enough to toss him out the door. Good for you for staying on track.
I'll be glad to see your 'after' pics in a year or so when you've dropped some weight. Hopefully his smiling face will be next to yours, but no matter what ends up being best for you in life, keep on this journey for your health. You can do it!0 -
I am trying to save my marriage. I have 85 lbs to lose, I pretty much need to lose it or lose my husband. I have been overweight for 15 years of our 25 year marriage and he of course looks great. He was in the military and always worked out and stayed fit, even when deployed several times. I stayed home, worried, raised the kids and ate. Now he is telling me that it's an obstacle to our relationship, that he loves me but.....I am heartbroken but determined. Who knows. Maybe when I am done, I'll look too good for him.
Read it and re-read it. Everybody will have sympathy with you, but here, as far as I can see, are the facts.
1. Your husband loves you.
2. Your husband is insecure that you don't love him and your kids enough to want to get healthy.
3. Your husband has not reacted in a way that many would consider appropriate, helpful or supportive and this can be very upsetting.
4. Your husband sounds kinda like a d!ck, but if he's been married to you for 25 years, he's probably a good guy.
5. Your husband loves you - sorry but it needs to be said again - but he doesn't express it well.
So here you go.
1. Yes, that ultimatum was a God awful thing to do. It was nasty, but it's not his one defining thing. Don't use it as an excuse not to get healthy. Start a plan in spite of your husband's meanness, not because of it.
2. Tell your husband how you feel. All men, myself included, hate it when our wives tell us how they feel. However after they genuinely say what is on their minds, we do actually listen.
3. Ask your husband to be supportive and to help you with weight loss. If he was in the military, he's probably used to acting on orders of his CO, he might not be a great communicator. But he may be a good motivator.
4. Watch shows like The Biggest Loser. I watch both the US and Australian versions. We have our own equivalent here in Ireland - Operation Transformation.
5. Read the success stories here. Don't just read the people who lost 200 punds, but also read the ones who lost 20 pounds.
Tell your husband that the ultimatum was very hurtful but that you do want to get healthy and with his help.
^^^^ I read all of the comments prior to responding and I like what he said ^^^^0 -
Please, please do this for you and no one else. You deserve better!!0
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ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.
This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.0 -
As many others have said, this isn't a very nice way to be treating the woman you made a commitment to. You guys are married and I think it could be time to re-evaluate. Maybe he doesn't mean what he said, I don't know him so can't say, but maybe you guys are different and it's just not working anymore . . . but the way he wanted to communicate that didn't come out right. Maybe it's not about the weight, per se, it's just the first thing that came to mind for him to say hey, this isn't working, we aren't on the same page anymore and he doesn't know if he feels like there's anything he can do to make it work. That can happen . . . and that doesn't make anyone in particular "the bad guy" it just happens.
Also - has he considered that you stayed faithful and loyal (assuming you did - no judgment, though) and worked while he was deployed (presumably overseas) for long periods of time. You were a married single parent - that's got to be hard.
So yes, while he was serving his country you also played a part in that and he had a home to come home to when he was done his time overseas.
I get that there's got to be some kind of physical attraction between you and your partner buuuuuut there should be so much more to your life than just that. Like what if he was in a horrible accident and was disfigured - would you leave him because he lost a leg or he has burn scars or whatever? I think, from personal experience (as I was in an emotionally abusive relationship myself) you both need to re-evaluate the marriage. Maybe it isn't right and it is time to go your separate ways (no blame or shame in that) but even if that is the case, you in no way shape or form deserve to be treated or talked to like that. He should definitely have more respect for you than that.
Feel free to reach out if you ever need to chat or need some support 0 -
You don't need to change for anyone but yourself. If he really does love you, as a husband should, he should love you regardless of your size. If he doesn't, he does not truly love you. I personally would never put up with anyone I am with telling me that my weight is something that needs to change. Love me for me, or don't love me at all.0
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Thanks, that is exactly my thought as well, including the toned backside We are trying to work it out, he is kind of remorseful this week. But what was said was said. He has agreed to counseling.
I'm so glad to hear that he's agreed to counseling.....that's so important! Your comment that he recently retired from the military made a light bulb go off in my head. I don't know from personal experience, but from what I've read, that can be a very difficult and unsettling transition, for everyone in the family and especially the retiring service member. His whole world is changing (and yours too) and he might not know where his place in it is right now. I hope that you two go to a counselor with experience with military families because it certainly seems that there might some other aspects of the situation that might be the root of the problem.
Good luck to both of you!!!!0 -
I truly don't understand men like this. It takes a special kind of woman to raise children and tend to the household when you are not their. Regardless of why he wasn't there, its a rare breed of woman who remains in a marriage where her husband can't help shoulder the responsibility of child raring due to work.
Every marriage is different, so all I can really offer you is moral and electronic emotional support.0 -
Is he mean to you? Or just concerned? Is this the first time the issue is discussed, or has he hinted before that your weight is a concern to him? Could it be he is feeling you cannot participate in activities he would like you to because of your weight or health, is he concerned about your health? If he has in the past expressed he would hope you could lose weight, could it be he is getting the feeling you do not think his feelings matter or do not want to put the effort into this for his sake? If he has expressed in the past that he does not find extra weight attractive (and no one can control what he/she findt physically attractive) and nothing has changed over years, maybe he is feeling that physical attraction and this side of the marriage is something you have lost interest in?0
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ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.
This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.
Lolz.0 -
My husband repeatedly gave me the same ultimatum, and ultimately left me. And I'm much happier for it. I recommend that if you want to lose the weight, you lose it for yourself. If you try to lose the weight while still working on the marriage, congratulations, and I hope it all works for you. I can share some of the pitfalls I encountered while my ex was demanding that I lose the weight; send a private message if you're interested.0
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this happened to someone close to me. But it was the woman not the man.
She got super into fitness and nutrition about 5 years ago and he continued to not be fit or healthy. Their children were grown. He was close to 100 pounds overweight at the end of their relationship. They were married about 25 years.
They got separated, he got his game on. Lost weight by eating well and working out. It maybe started out for her but it became for him. He is much healthier and happier.
They got divorced. BUT....It's been about 2 years from time they first got separated. Ironically they stayed friends throughout, they now work out together, do races together and are now dating. I think it was hard for her to watch him self destruct.
Best of luck to you.0 -
ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.
This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.
So... Someone clicked on this thread for you instead of the fitness/health threads?0 -
Well this just breaks my heart. Your physical body is not all there is to you, and wasn't all this time. If he loves you, he needs to be by your side and work with you, not give you ultimatums. It will take you a long time to lose 85 pounds, and you both need to work through this whole thing together.
THIS ^
looks can change, personality can't. if he loved you then, he should love you now. if he is concerned about your weight, then he needs to support your efforts, not hurt you. IMHO, based on the brief info you gave regarding your husband, he sounds like a jerk.
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