Ultimatum weight loss.
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So my mom also married an *kitten* (no offense) and he's always telling her how fat she is. It's not healthy for either of them. He'll turn on cooking shows just to comment on how fat the females who are making the food are (like Rachael Ray... "she'd be gorgeous if she only lost 50 pounds"). She's 61, he's 70, and they've been married for 36 years.
I say if you want to lose the weight, do it for you. If you don't want to lose the husband, get couples counseling. If you still want to lose the weight for him, talk to him about it. Remind him that the weight didn't go on overnight and it's not going to come off that quickly either. Not to add insult to injury, but at your age, I've seen many people say that they struggle to lose 20 pounds a year, despite accurate measuring/weighing, healthy eating, exercise, etc. Have a serious conversation with him and tell him that if it takes you five years to lose the weight, is he willing to be patient with you?, and if not, it's time to assess the situation. The ultimatum may very well be out of love and concern for your health, but it sound like he needs more help than you do.
Age has nothing to do with it.0 -
Men suck. Total BS move.0
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He's checked out. He's gone. I'm so so so sorry. But you can lose the weight and it will be something else.
I an only advise you to get your finances in order. Take care of your kids. Consult with an attorney. I think losing weight for you is a fantastic idea, but if it's too much right now, don't beat yourself up. Of course, it may be that changing that area of your life is something that makes you feel good--that has been the case for me. The heartbreak diet and all that.
But I think that you need to start preparing yourself to move on from this marriage. I'm so sorry.
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Sorry you're dealing with this. Am I wrong; it sounds like there's more to the story than just your weight. Is he the kind of man who would find something else 'wrong' if you suddenly dropped 85lbs?
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Thanks all, it's all good advice. He wants to try to work it out but he's a different man to me now. . Time will tell. I am going to look amazing walking away dammit.0
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I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.
To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.0 -
You can do it darling! You know you can you just need to focus.
Promise me one thing please? That you will log in and read this thread daily. Massive hug to you x0 -
Damien_Scott wrote: »I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.
very good advice here, if he was so concerned he should have been supporting you for a healthier you not just about the weight loss. I am sorry you are going through this but do it for yourself and not him. you will be more successful this way and shame on him!0 -
Then again, perhaps he's tired of his wife whining that she can't lose weight while gorging herself with ice cream and cake and cookies and red wine. Nobody really knows the situation. If a man is really going to walk away from the mother of his kids just because she is overweight, and that's the ONLY reason, then he's pretty shallow. So why 25 years with him? I smell a rat.-5
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Hugs0
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I'll sent you a friendship request. I have a 100+ lbs journey so I'm on MFP for the next few years. I haven't told my hubby I'm losing weight cuz' I don't want to feel any pressure at all (nobody knows I'm losing, heck I even signed up on the English version of MFP to avoid the possibility of running into people I know lol).
Do you think it will be harder to lose the weight without an appropriate support group? I could not imagine trying to lose weight without my husband knowing. He would have constantly been asking for fried food, fast food, and Mexican food. Since I was eating healthy, however, he supported me 100%. He even joined me! I'm a little bitter that he has lost 70 pounds to my 40, though.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »Then again, perhaps he's tired of his wife whining that she can't lose weight while gorging herself with ice cream and cake and cookies and red wine. Nobody really knows the situation. If a man is really going to walk away from the mother of his kids just because she is overweight, and that's the ONLY reason, then he's pretty shallow. So why 25 years with him? I smell a rat.
That's a hell of an assumption to make.0 -
@ atypicalsmith I don't consider myself the gorging type. I don't eat sugar and haven't since December, before that I was never a binger/gorger and I don't drink, never have because my husband was a soldier and deployed so often that I was always aware that I had to be alert and responsible for the kids, besides alcohol depressed me which is the last thing I need! I am also not a whiner. My weight came on slowly over the course of 25 years, my biggest weight was in 2006 when I had a close friend widowed by the war. Since then I have taken of 65 lbs and kept it off. 22 lbs of that since Dec when i quit all sugar and sugar subs. He retired recently and yes there might be a rat, a midlife crisis, PTSD, another woman, but many of the supporters and friends on this thread have said the thing that hits home, it's about me, my health, my future, my life. If he has issues, "rats" he has to deal with them or ask for help. I can't fall out of love very easily, but he is certainly not the same man I married right now.0
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ValerieMartini2Olives wrote: »Ready2Rock206 wrote: »Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this.
It's blunt but the truth. Your marriage is over. If you're going to lose weight, do it for you.
That's jumping the gun a bit, wouldn't you say? Considering you aren't part of the relationship? While the ultimatum was wrong, there's a communication fix that can happen, and counseling is obviously needed. For you, a stranger, to tell someone to just 'end the marriage' is wrong.
Good point, but this is MFP.
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I'll sent you a friendship request. I have a 100+ lbs journey so I'm on MFP for the next few years. I haven't told my hubby I'm losing weight cuz' I don't want to feel any pressure at all (nobody knows I'm losing, heck I even signed up on the English version of MFP to avoid the possibility of running into people I know lol).
Do you think it will be harder to lose the weight without an appropriate support group? I could not imagine trying to lose weight without my husband knowing. He would have constantly been asking for fried food, fast food, and Mexican food. Since I was eating healthy, however, he supported me 100%. He even joined me! I'm a little bitter that he has lost 70 pounds to my 40, though.
Its horses for courses. Some people get along much better on their own because they like privacy or they are more self sufficient. Involving others makes iy more public and they might feel more pressure.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »Then again, perhaps he's tired of his wife whining that she can't lose weight while gorging herself with ice cream and cake and cookies and red wine. Nobody really knows the situation. If a man is really going to walk away from the mother of his kids just because she is overweight, and that's the ONLY reason, then he's pretty shallow. So why 25 years with him? I smell a rat.
That's a hell of an assumption to make.
I'm focusing more on the sentence after that, which is that no one really knows the full situation. I appreciate OP sparing us the details but I don't even see the ultimatum. He said her weight is an obstacle - what kind? Would he like to go hiking, on 5k's, on roller coaster rides, etc with his bride, but her weight limits them? There's a few more details than we can know, but it looks like we can all agree that weight loss is a nice personal goal to have and wish the OP success, and if he's verbally abusive or otherwise a DB, she needs to take steps to protect herself
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@ atypicalsmith I don't consider myself the gorging type. I don't eat sugar and haven't since December, before that I was never a binger/gorger and I don't drink, never have because my husband was a soldier and deployed so often that I was always aware that I had to be alert and responsible for the kids, besides alcohol depressed me which is the last thing I need! I am also not a whiner. My weight came on slowly over the course of 25 years, my biggest weight was in 2006 when I had a close friend widowed by the war. Since then I have taken of 65 lbs and kept it off. 22 lbs of that since Dec when i quit all sugar and sugar subs. He retired recently and yes there might be a rat, a midlife crisis, PTSD, another woman, but many of the supporters and friends on this thread have said the thing that hits home, it's about me, my health, my future, my life. If he has issues, "rats" he has to deal with them or ask for help. I can't fall out of love very easily, but he is certainly not the same man I married right now.
I can only echo that whatever changes you want - be it in your life in general or your body in particular - you absolutely *must* do it for you, first and foremost, and then for your children. That was an incredibly selfish, shallow and hurtful thing for your husband to do. And sometimes you really have to teach people how to treat you. I hope you can find the strength and determination to teach him well, even if it means he gets to look at your newly toned backside as you're walking away from him and his dysfunction.
I do think counselling is in order - couples counselling if he'll agree to it, but don't be surprised if you get the, "It's *your* problem, not mine!" school of thought. Regardless, counselling for you would be of great benefit. Use this time while you're losing weight to get your ducks in a row - personally and financially - so that as your options open up you will garner the strength from that to allow you to make whatever decisions are best for you and your kids.
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I read your post and my heart tightened in my chest. It hurt me to read it. I can't even imagine what it was like to hear it. True love is never expressed as emotional abuse.
I've worked with enough vets to know he probably suffered terribly and that is influencing his behavior now. But that is no excuse for treating you so disrespectfully.
He should be proud of the steps you've taken and the progress you've made--I am!0 -
Sorry to hear about your situation
Attraction is a funny thing. When it goes away it is just gone. I don't know that losing weight will fix what is broke.
Hopefully you two can work this out
I have lost 130 lbs and will share ideas with you if you like
Again, what a tough thing to hear
Best wishes.0 -
If you are going to lose the weight, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and not for your husband. Many women lose weight for their spouse all the time, only to find out afterwards that the relationship is still over. Sometimes people just grow apart0
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