My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.

PinkPixiexox

newyorkcitymom wrote: »

I wouldn't think of it as what you're doing to him (though that matters) but what you're doing to YOU. You want a lifestyle change you can maintain forever and that makes you feel better about your life. How you're doing it is only partially doing it for you. You should, I think, feel kind of turned on and excited after going to the gym, not drained and starving. You are probably working too hard and eating too little. I don't know how much you have to lose and really understand the desire to get the weight off and keep momentum going. But I would consider the idea of slowing down your weight loss goals - maybe to 1-1.5lbs/week, which is still a pretty good pace. This would allow you to eat more and work in more spontaneity and meals out while still losing. It also gives you time and space to adjust to a new lifestyle you can do forever. I'd suggest checking out the eat more to lose more group here. I eat about 2,000 calories/day and losing over 2lbs/week (though that will slow, I'm just starting). I eat really well most days but I also have days where I go out for a beer or eat out. I try to really stick to my goals most days so that I can go out a few times/week. I also work out or am more active days I know I'll be going out. That seems to help.

I'd also talk to your partner and tell him you agree it's a problem and that you want to be a team in brainstorming how best to address it together. Ultimatums are no good either. I understand he may be frustrated, but he also has to recognize where you're coming from and really be in a position of support. You need that. It's only been 4 months in the context of an 8 year relationship. So also don't beat yourself up over this. Some ideas of ways you can work together on this:
-it's great you guys go to the gym together; that's really sexy and fun. Do you guys lift together? That can be a really fun couple activity as you alternate sets, support/spot each other and there's more room to chat than doing cardio. And lifting heavy is fantastic for your confidence and strength. Look into new rules of lifting for women (he can do it with you at his own weights!). Have a post-workout collective strategy. Is there a chipotle or other healthier fast food chain nearby? Or can you bring food for both of you and go share a meal at a park or somewhere? Or can you pack food to bring to BK together? Also, if you eat before you get home you might have more interest in other things when you get home.
-What kind of social activities do you guys do? Are there more active dates or activities you can do together? Maybe you could try to do something like a hike or bike ride on weekends - you can still pre-plan and bring your food. Or maybe even something more adventurous - is there rock climbing near you? Or is there a sports league of some sort you could start or join? Or sign up for a race?
-could you out sometime into researching restaurants that have really good food that fits in your goals in advance and make a list to choose from when you decide you want to to out? This way you can be "spontaneous" but with some security that you know what you're getting into
-does he cook? Do you? Maybe get creative in the kitchen and take turns cooking. Possibly take a healthy cooking class. Make romantic dinners at home.
-losing weight can take focus and hard work with all the logging. If your partner can help by finding good restaurants or cooking meals you can eat (even entering recipes into MFP) or packing your food for you or organizing your gym bag or taking on some extra a chores at home, thenaube you'll have more energy to think about things like fun together and intimacy.

Your relationship can come out of this stronger and you can find new ways of enjoying time together but it will take both of you. So enlist his help. DON'T just think of his needs as one more thing I your to-do list. Instead, think about how to achieve a balance in your life and relationship together that will make you happier over the long haul. Definitely consider slowing down your goals and findinga way that is sustainable.

Good luck! This is not the end of the world. If you've been happily together for 8 years you should be able to work this through.

Fantastic ideas - Thank you so much for these. This has been really useful.

I am actually on a 1500 calorie per day plan and losing 0.5lb per week. I have around 9-10lbs to go and I have it into my head that once I hit maintenance, my life can actually begin. A bad mind-set and I'm all too aware of that. It's just turning it around that can be difficult. Saying that, your post has given me some very positive ideas to work on and I will definitely make a start by speaking this through with him. x

OsricTheKnight

PinkPixiexox wrote: »

Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.

Speaking as a male, I'd say this might be the hardest thing but also absolutely the biggest thing you could do to shift the balance. If you felt the desire to be intimate more often, if you felt more attractive to him because of your health kick, and if he was getting more (and probably better) attention than in the past, I would guess he could live with the food quirks.

However I don't have any advice to change how you feel in this dimension. People get really hung up about whether they have enough drive, and I don't know what a "healthy" or "normal" amount of interest is. Depending on his age, his own drive could vary quite a bit. When I was your age, for reference, I didn't know any male whose interest in being intimate occurred less than daily, and I'd say twice a day was common (for desire, not activity). From a perspective like that, four months is a long time. According to the kinsey institute, men in your age group with a partner who have intercourse less than once in several months only make up about 34% of the population, while men in that age group with intercourse more than weekly make up 36%; the balance are between monthly and weekly.

But I really think this needs addressing - everyone else seems to have left this as the "elephant in the room" - this single thing could probably overwhelm all the rest if ignored.

Osric

EmmaCaz4

I feel for you I really do. Me and my partner have been together for 9yrs and he's been with me through my weight loss too. I understand your problem and my partner is bulking now and as i'm still losing it is quite difficult. Last week we went on a road trip to see Foo Fighters, it was a 3hr car journey each way + 6hrs in the stadium. On this particular day, I ensured I took a cool box with 3 salads in, some fruit and yes a cheeky packet of crisps. He also then decided to pack some food but his entailed 2 packets of m&m's, 3 tubs of pasta and chicken and then whilst in the stadium, I was trying to get something reasonably healthy he went for burgers. You can compromise. On days out, take food with you, there's no harm in carrying a bag with some tubs of food in, even if he doesn't want to, he can get a KFC or BK whilst you eat your food.

It's difficult to put up with but there's so many things you can do together that won't affect your weight loss. I've also read alot of your posts saying you calorie bank for the weekends, well if one night he fancies being spontaneous, use your banked calories and splurge a little. Most places you can still eat reasonably healthy so I wouldn't worry. Also, as other posters have put, there's no point in getting healthy and fit if you're not living a life you love!!!

You'll be fine with time, i'm here if you ever need to chat or any advice. But I hope you get yourself sorted and you both have a happy life together. But please don't throw everything away to get to your goal. Take it all one day at a time, but be happy

yogacat13

My husband is a very focused person, much like you. When we were dating, I had no doubt that our relationship was his primary focus. After we settled into a more established relationship, he needed to focus a bit more on his work. And so he did. With the laser focus he applied to our relationship, he focused on work and networking. To the point where I was alone practically every weekday evening while he attended networking events and he was working at least one day every weekend, and I was feeling a bit taken for granted and neglected. I felt like he basically turned up to sleep and eat. I talked to him, and when he said he really needed to focus on work, I pointed out that he used to focus on me the same way, and he felt terrible. This was a light bulb moment for him, and we set some boundaries. He agreed to not be out more than three evenings a week, and we set a date night every week (except for the weekends that we have his girls).

Talk to your boyfriend about what he needs, and see if you can find a way to meet your needs for a healthy lifestyle and his for time with you where every meal isn't a minefield. Meals are a bonding experience, and it sounds like he just misses you. kathrynjean's advice about communication is spot-on, and there are two really good books I would recommend: Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both have really helped me in all my relationships to improve communication.

In the meantime, hugs.

PinkPixiexox

dizzieblondeuk wrote: »

I hope you don't mind the questions (you've invited comments, so I hope you'll understand why I ask them):

Do you have obsessive or compulsive behaviours in other parts of your life?
Think about a day where you had no phone/internet access - how would you feel if you couldn't log your food, or look up calorie numbers? How stressed out would it make you on a scale of 1-10? if it's any more than 5, you need to wean yourself off dependence on these numbers, and try a more relaxed approach to weight loss.

I suspect you've got a grip way too tight on this whole weight loss plan. You need to take a LOT of deep breaths and step back from this - because you already know how much it's affecting your relationship - and I suspect it's not just with your partner. Where are your family and friends fitting in this 'work/gym/food prep' life of yours? People can get obsessed about all kinds of things in life, and those things can ultimately have detrimental effects on their mental health. The thing is, you know it's having a poor effect on the people around you - and yourself. A complete lack of intimacy with your significant other should be sounding a lot of alarm bells, but you seem to brush it off as 'not enough time'. Saying 'there are other things you could be doing' - oh you poor girl, take a good look at what you're saying there!!! Besides, sex burns calories, lots of them, and apparently you have a ripped BF, take advantage of that!!!!

There's 24 hours in the day - if you work/commute for (say) 9-10 hours, eat/prepare food for 1-1.5 hours, and sleep for 7-8 hours, there are 4 or so hours left in your day. Most people would give up 1-2 hours of that leisure time to gym/exercise, and the rest would be for relaxation, and spending time with loved ones. That's a normal person's routine - you need to aim for that, as your first step. Give yourself a few hours of pure relaxation - with partner, family and friends - and far, far more on the weekends (or whenever you don't work).

You need to take a far more long-term approach to your body and weight - this isn't some sprint race, where you have to come in first, and do everything faster than the next person. This is a race that will last you for the rest of your life - so pace yourself accordingly. Finally, just take a look again at your MFP profile - one of your goals is a dream wedding dress. Think about how much you're jeopardising that and an 8-year relationship for your unyielding behaviour. Small steps in allowing other people to influence your decisions - maybe go to the restaurants and social gatherings, and just eat small portions, instead of refusing to go out at all - will just be enough of allowing some compromise in your life, as it doesn't seem that there's any at all at the moment. And learn to just breathe, and enjoy life. It all seems far too stressful for you to actually be happy right now.

I welcome your questions so thank you for asking them :]

I am an OCD sufferer and on medication to control it. It works but this is definitely an obsession of mine that I am struggling with. If I couldn't log my food for the day..? Wow, I don't know how I'd attack the day in that case. I'd have to note it down manually and only eat foods with clear calorie information displayed. Ok.. So i'm kind of proving my point in the OCD category..!

Every thing you've said is amazing and touching and real. Thank you for being honest with me and for coming at this with such kindness. I think.. in a short space of time since posting this, I am starting to see the light here..

LKArgh

On the intimacy issue, first make sure it is not because of anxiety or because of anxiety meds. This is a topic you need to discuss with your dr.
If medical issues are ruled out, then you might need to figure out if there is attraction or not. How long have you been together? In a long relationship, periods where one or the other is not much in the mood are normal. But if it happens early in a relationship, it is sometimes a good reason to reevaluate whether this is going anywhere or if the initial spark has died out and the relationship is simply becoming a friendship.

msf74

Werk2Eat wrote: »

If you been together 8 years, then he was with you when you were thick and thin. Is he not happy you are trying to get skinny? Why would he taunt you with KFC and BK? That part seems intentionally cruel. I do agree, you should spend quality time with him. You not spending intimate time with him is possibly why he is taunting you with KFC and BK.

Maybe he's not "taunting" her but rather wants to share a personal experience with her - eating together - which is one of the core foundational activities that people or societies have together. The need to break bread together is as old as our human history.

Most people don't want to sabotage each other.

PinkPixiexox

EmmaCaz4 wrote: »

I feel for you I really do. Me and my partner have been together for 9yrs and he's been with me through my weight loss too. I understand your problem and my partner is bulking now and as i'm still losing it is quite difficult. Last week we went on a road trip to see Foo Fighters, it was a 3hr car journey each way + 6hrs in the stadium. On this particular day, I ensured I took a cool box with 3 salads in, some fruit and yes a cheeky packet of crisps. He also then decided to pack some food but his entailed 2 packets of m&m's, 3 tubs of pasta and chicken and then whilst in the stadium, I was trying to get something reasonably healthy he went for burgers. You can compromise. On days out, take food with you, there's no harm in carrying a bag with some tubs of food in, even if he doesn't want to, he can get a KFC or BK whilst you eat your food.

It's difficult to put up with but there's so many things you can do together that won't affect your weight loss. I've also read alot of your posts saying you calorie bank for the weekends, well if one night he fancies being spontaneous, use your banked calories and splurge a little. Most places you can still eat reasonably healthy so I wouldn't worry. Also, as other posters have put, there's no point in getting healthy and fit if you're not living a life you love!!!

You'll be fine with time, i'm here if you ever need to chat or any advice. But I hope you get yourself sorted and you both have a happy life together. But please don't throw everything away to get to your goal. Take it all one day at a time, but be happy

You are lovely, thank you so, so much.

AspenDan

Wow this a really interesting thread, I'm very conflicted. Part of me says, do what's right for you and find someone else who can share that life for you..but realistically, I think intimacy is a huge part of any relationship, and even if you find a more supportive guy, that's still going to be an issue.

I don't have much advice but thank you for sharing. My only 2 cents is that you should look into some form of therapy, just to help you sort out priorities and work through your struggles with a professional. All the best of luck.

PinkPixiexox

yogacat13 wrote: »

My husband is a very focused person, much like you. When we were dating, I had no doubt that our relationship was his primary focus. After we settled into a more established relationship, he needed to focus a bit more on his work. And so he did. With the laser focus he applied to our relationship, he focused on work and networking. To the point where I was alone practically every weekday evening while he attended networking events and he was working at least one day every weekend, and I was feeling a bit taken for granted and neglected. I felt like he basically turned up to sleep and eat. I talked to him, and when he said he really needed to focus on work, I pointed out that he used to focus on me the same way, and he felt terrible. This was a light bulb moment for him, and we set some boundaries. He agreed to not be out more than three evenings a week, and we set a date night every week (except for the weekends that we have his girls).

Talk to your boyfriend about what he needs, and see if you can find a way to meet your needs for a healthy lifestyle and his for time with you where every meal isn't a minefield. Meals are a bonding experience, and it sounds like he just misses you. kathrynjean's advice about communication is spot-on, and there are two really good books I would recommend: Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both have really helped me in all my relationships to improve communication.

In the meantime, hugs.

I will definitely be considering the 'date night' idea. Just a time where him and I can enjoy eachothers company even for one night will definitely help me loosen up and him understand me better. Thank you so much for your response.

Werk2Eat

msf74 wrote: »

Maybe he's not "taunting" her but rather wants to share a personal experience with her - eating together - which is one of the core foundational activities that people or societies have together. The need to break bread together is as old as our human history.

Most people don't want to sabotage each other.

I could understand a nice restaurant, but KFC and BK? Those are places you goto as a last minute/last resort. Heck, who even actually sits down and eats at those fast food joints? Most people get that junk food to go and eat it on their way to work or way home. Hardly considered an "experience"

msf74

Werk2Eat wrote: »

msf74 wrote: »

Maybe he's not "taunting" her but rather wants to share a personal experience with her - eating together - which is one of the core foundational activities that people or societies have together. The need to break bread together is as old as our human history.

Most people don't want to sabotage each other.

I could understand a nice restaurant, but KFC and BK? Those are places you goto as a last minute/last resort. Heck, who even actually sits down and eats at those fast food joints? Most people get that junk food to go and eat it on their way to work or way home. Hardly considered an "experience"

Sure, I see where you are coming from but maybe he just really likes KFC and wants her to be around at the same time to share that part of his life with him.

Beats eating it by yourself I guess...

angelexperiment

kathrynjean_ wrote: »

We hear so much about sustainability around here, and how important it is to make a lifestyle change that is long term. You've said yourself that this isn't something you can keep up forever, so the tricky part is now working to find the middle ground. Extremes are always the "easier" way to go ...

If you two have been together for 8 years, you have a really solid base. So I think the key here is just communication. Sit down and ask him what exactly he envisions when he says that you need to spend more time with him. That way at least you know exactly what you're working with. At the same time, be clear about your expectations so he knows what you want and need. It's okay for you to both have things you're willing to be flexible with and things you're not at all willing to compromise on. How do those fit together? Going to the gym together can be lots of fun, but maybe you can make dinner together after? Or go out for "junky" food once a month?

Also, something that has worked really well for me and my partner is that we have a "rule": one night a week, he needs to leave the house and hang out with his friends or something so I can be home alone or do whatever I want. One night a week I make sure to leave the house and do the same for him. And one night a week we absolutely make sure we leave the house and do something together - as a date, not chores or errands. Sometimes it's hard with money but we always go for a walk or go to a cheap movie or something. It's important to set aside time for yourself and also for your partner.

I'm wishing you the best of luck with finding your happy place with this! I've been exactly where you are so feel free to message me if you want to talk.

I really like your ideas I might try them too:)

VeryKatie

Interestingly, I kind of had the same issue. I ended up talking with my partner about it... which was me ending in tears. Not because it was a bad conversation, but because I realized how unhealthy my obsession was - and that I realized the stress of it all was affecting my relationship with him. It's hard to feel sexy when you mind is SO preoccupied by calories. I ended up pulling back from MFP a bit, I did gain a little, but I also started learning how to enjoy him and eating out, while calorie counting. Now I'm on my way back down. It's definitely a balance. Honestly best figured out by talking to your partner and through trial and error as to what works for you.

PinkPixiexox

I'm actually going to suggest going out to dinner with him this evening :]
I figure One evening out won't upset my goal too much and he deserves to have a normal girlfriend again.
I have to say, my internal voice is saying "Don't do it! Save those calories!" but the human part of me knows it's the right thing to do.

robspot

Most people seem to have covered it but you're viewing this weight loss journey as a phase and you don't seem to have considered what you will do once you reach your goal. In another 9lbs what then? Now sounds like the perfect time to consider the transition to a "normal" life. One where you continue to live and eat healthily but one where this isn't the sole focus.

I can totally understand the many reasons that make you approach it like this but it really isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable. Maybe in his own clumsy man way he's actually expressing his concern for you and is trying to shock you into doing something about it.

You are so much more than a number on a scale, you are an awesome person. Go be awesome! x

rockmama72

danieltsmoke wrote: »

Wow this a really interesting thread, I'm very conflicted. Part of me says, do what's right for you and find someone else who can share that life for you..but realistically, I think intimacy is a huge part of any relationship, and even if you find a more supportive guy, that's still going to be an issue.

I agree with this, and I'll add to that. Get your groove on, girl! You've lost 30 pounds and your body is hot!

A lot of women are in the same boat for all kinds of mental blocks/stress/body hate/whatever. But I promise you that if you work on this you'll be glad you did. My bet is that you'll see a huge change in your partner, and you're going to have a LOT of fun.

PinkPixiexox

You're all so, so, lovely.
I appreciate all of your kind words.

I_Will_End_You

PinkPixiexox wrote: »

I'm actually going to suggest going out to dinner with him this evening :]
I figure One evening out won't upset my goal too much and he deserves to have a normal girlfriend again.
I have to say, my internal voice is saying "Don't do it! Save those calories!" but the human part of me knows it's the right thing to do.

It likely won't upset your goal at all. You can lose weight without being so rigid. Order something lower calorie, or eat half of it, or eat less today and don't worry about it tonight. There are plenty of ways around it.