My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.

PinkPixiexox

Hi every one :]

I’ve been on my plan for around 4 and a half months and I have lost 30lbs. It has been challenging at times and I’ve had to work really, really hard at staying motivated. The good thing about me – once I start, I won’t quit. Losing motivation simply doesn't happen because I'm stubborn like that. It can be awkward when I’m invited to social events where eating a load of food is involved because I have been guilty of making my excuses and not attending purely for the fact that I don’t want to eat over my deficit.


This is an ongoing struggle for me. The idea of ‘eating out’ has to be planned rigidly. I need to know where we are going (so I can research the calorie information of said restaurant beforehand) and the time we are going (So I can work my other daily meals around the ‘event’) . This is proving extremely detrimental to my relationship of almost 8 years.


I feel that, with each pound lost, a percentage of support goes with it. When I started out 4 months ago, my boyfriend gave me all the support in the world. I was overweight and miserable about it & my doctor said I needed to lose the weight. Now he seems to resent the fact that I am – and I quote – ‘always in my gym clothes now’ and I don’t make time for intimacy and days out with him because I’m either too obsessed over working out or I am reluctant to go out and ‘ruin’ my deficit. His words – but he isn’t exactly wrong there.


Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate. I think this is purely down to my ‘work,gym,food prep’ schedule – I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate because to me, there are other things I can be doing .. and I don’t feel particularly sexy when I come home from the gym, sweaty and wanting to eat.. Ya know? I have spent a fair few months trying to alter my body and I don't think that helps me get 'in the zone' so to speak. Apologies if this is a little 'much' for a weight loss forum - but it's become a huge problem.

We rarely go out for the day because I am reluctant to eat the ‘rubbish’ he eats. He likes to stop off at all sorts of high calorie restaurants (he isn’t overweight - he is in amazing shape and incredibly ‘ripped’) and I have to first of all research the restaurant and plan etc etc etc. I can't really do 'impulsive trips' out because I am a pre-logger. It just doesn't work for me.

If we go to the gym together, he regularly asks me if I would like to stop off at KFC or BK afterwards for a meal as he's hungry. I always decline because I have my food at home and it's accounted for in my calorie tracker. I don't want to go to BK or KFC straight after a work-out.

He gave me an ultimatum last night. He told me I need to relax and start spending more time on him. I explained that stopping the gym and not eating healthily is just not an option for me – and he said he didn’t expect me to do either, but I also don’t think he understands how hard I have to work to get to goal and how consistency is key.

I really don’t want to lose my relationship for the sake of a lifestyle change. I’m hitting my goals but.. I’m sad. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want my ‘sensible plans’ to ruin us. I need to find some kind of balance but it's really difficult and I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it hugely. Thankyou so much.

anneuhbanana

It doesn't sound like he's being completely unreasonable, sure stopping at BK after a workout doesn't sound good... But why not go for a spontaneous dinner every now and then?You can look up the info while you're in the restaurant, and it'll make him feel like you are compromising. I understand how you feel... That ball is rolling and you don't want to lose momentum or stop! You don't have to! You don't HAVE to prelog everything... You know how many calories you have and you can still hit your goals! Eat only a portion of your meal & if you need to, get a to-go box in the beginning and put the extra in there so you aren't tempted to "clean your plate". It can be done!

PinkPixiexox

anneuhbanana wrote: »

It doesn't sound like he's being completely unreasonable, sure stopping at BK after a workout doesn't sound good... But why not go for a spontaneous dinner every now and then?You can look up the info while you're in the restaurant, and it'll make him feel like you are compromising. I understand how you feel... That ball is rolling and you don't want to lose momentum or stop! You don't have to! You don't HAVE to prelog everything... You know how many calories you have and you can still hit your goals! Eat only a portion of your meal & if you need to, get a to-go box in the beginning and put the extra in there so you aren't tempted to "clean your plate". It can be done!

Thank you for your advice.

He isn't being unreasonable at all - that's the frustrating thing. This is all me! :[

healthygreek

This is just my opinion so please disregard it if you don't like it.
You are being way to restrictive if you can't or won't enjoy the man you love!
I can imagine how sad and hurt he feels that you're not spending quality time with him in and out of bed!
If you truly value your relationship, you will do what you need to in order to maintain it. Perhaps some therapy for you if you simply cannot navigate a healthy fulfilling life in all respects.
Having a healthier more fit body has done amazing things for my already pretty amazing life with my husband!
We have lots of fun, both in our home and out and it does not interfere with my weightloss in the least.
Please rethink your life style as it's not really a lifestyle if you can't or won't live your life to the fullest!

kristen6350

You've got to figure out a way to meet him in the middle for the sake of your sanity and your relationship.

When I met my BF of 3 years I was hot and heavy into pre-logging and working out 5 days a week. Every time we had a date I secretly ate very little early in the day so I could eat more and not feel bad about it. I got down to a very low, almost scary weight. I was obsessed. It was all about losing weight. I knew I couldn't keep that up forever if I wanted to make it work with him. We are both health conscious people, but sometimes we do eat "rubbish" and that's ok. The next day I just need to be a little more diligent. It took a long time to figure out a balance, but I'm glad I did. If I would have kept up my "all about me" lifestyle I'd more than likely be lonely and single and very thin.

You've got a really hard decision to make, I sympathize with you. You need to decide if your all or nothing "it's all about me" lifestyle is more important than him. Or if you can lay off a little and relax for the sake of your relationship. I don't believe he's asking you to throw it all away and go back to being overweight. He's more than likely worried about where this is going. Extremes of any kind can be unhealthy.

PinkPixiexox

healthygreek wrote: »

This is just my opinion so please disregard it if you don't like it.
You are being way to restrictive if you can't or won't enjoy the man you love!
I can imagine how sad and hurt he feels that you're not spending quality time with him in and out of bed!
If you truly value your relationship, you will do what you need to in order to maintain it. Perhaps some therapy for you if you simply cannot navigate a healthy fulfilling life in all respects.
Having a healthier more fit body has done amazing things for my already pretty amazing life with my husband!
We have lots of fun, both in our home and out and it does not interfere with my weightloss in the least.
Please rethink your life style as it's not really a lifestyle if you can't or won't live your life to the fullest!

The last thing I want to do is hurt him and it really isn't my intention. I feel absolutely terrible.

I do agree with you and I am working on it. This isn't something I can keep up forever.

PinkPixiexox

kristen6350 wrote: »

You've got to figure out a way to meet him in the middle for the sake of your sanity and your relationship.

When I met my BF of 3 years I was hot and heavy into pre-logging and working out 5 days a week. Every time we had a date I secretly ate very little early in the day so I could eat more and not feel bad about it. I got down to a very low, almost scary weight. I was obsessed. It was all about losing weight. I knew I couldn't keep that up forever if I wanted to make it work with him. We are both health conscious people, but sometimes we do eat "rubbish" and that's ok. The next day I just need to be a little more diligent. It took a long time to figure out a balance, but I'm glad I did. If I would have kept up my "all about me" lifestyle I'd more than likely be lonely and single and very thin.

You've got a really hard decision to make, I sympathize with you. You need to decide if your all or nothing "it's all about me" lifestyle is more important than him. Or if you can lay off a little and relax for the sake of your relationship. I don't believe he's asking you to throw it all away and go back to being overweight. He's more than likely worried about where this is going. Extremes of any kind can be unhealthy.

Thank you - this was incredibly helpful and definitely gave me food for thought (excuse the pun..).

I need to invest in my relationship to the same extent as I am my weight loss plans. I've been selfish and I haven't paid him the attention he deserves and whilst it hasn't been intentional, it's taken it's toll. The ultimatum last night was a shock to hear and I feel absolutely devastated that he feels this way - and that I'VE been the one to cause it.

kathrynjean_

We hear so much about sustainability around here, and how important it is to make a lifestyle change that is long term. You've said yourself that this isn't something you can keep up forever, so the tricky part is now working to find the middle ground. Extremes are always the "easier" way to go ...

If you two have been together for 8 years, you have a really solid base. So I think the key here is just communication. Sit down and ask him what exactly he envisions when he says that you need to spend more time with him. That way at least you know exactly what you're working with. At the same time, be clear about your expectations so he knows what you want and need. It's okay for you to both have things you're willing to be flexible with and things you're not at all willing to compromise on. How do those fit together? Going to the gym together can be lots of fun, but maybe you can make dinner together after? Or go out for "junky" food once a month?

Also, something that has worked really well for me and my partner is that we have a "rule": one night a week, he needs to leave the house and hang out with his friends or something so I can be home alone or do whatever I want. One night a week I make sure to leave the house and do the same for him. And one night a week we absolutely make sure we leave the house and do something together - as a date, not chores or errands. Sometimes it's hard with money but we always go for a walk or go to a cheap movie or something. It's important to set aside time for yourself and also for your partner.

I'm wishing you the best of luck with finding your happy place with this! I've been exactly where you are so feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Venus_Red

This thread makes me a tiny bit sad for you. This is someone you've been with for 8 years, and over a span of a short 4 months he's decided that not enough attention is being paid to him so he's making you feel "selfish" that you are working on your health and your body. I've read a lot of your posts, and they are filled with optimism, tales of success and a lot of really great, positive feelings about how you've worked through things and how far you've come.

I hope you are able to find a balance that you feel you need to keep your relationship but an ultimatum like that seems a bit like a childish thing for him to do. I think you should consider that it could be some insecurity on his part as well - neither one of these things are your problems to fix.

VintageFeline

You seem to have stopped living in pursuit of other goals. It sounds like you've gone too far and are sacrificing a lot which is becoming detrimental to your life overall.

So what if you pre-log, there's nothing stopping you from deleting dinner and entering something else. There's nothing stopping you from eating at BK or KFC or anywhere else and staying within goal, you just need to make smart choices. There's nothing wrong with eating at maintenance now and again, it won't make you gain weight and it gives you room to be spontaneous. Have some fun!

There is absolutely no point in getting to a healthy weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle which essentially prolongs your life if you don't have a life to live for.

I still eat out, have a take away, drink a few beers, eat cake and I have not once gained any weight, I just continue to lose. I think you need to have a bit of a reassess as to how to make this sustainable and not a chore to you and those around you.

PinkPixiexox

kathrynjean_ wrote: »

We hear so much about sustainability around here, and how important it is to make a lifestyle change that is long term. You've said yourself that this isn't something you can keep up forever, so the tricky part is now working to find the middle ground. Extremes are always the "easier" way to go ...

If you two have been together for 8 years, you have a really solid base. So I think the key here is just communication. Sit down and ask him what exactly he envisions when he says that you need to spend more time with him. That way at least you know exactly what you're working with. At the same time, be clear about your expectations so he knows what you want and need. It's okay for you to both have things you're willing to be flexible with and things you're not at all willing to compromise on. How do those fit together? Going to the gym together can be lots of fun, but maybe you can make dinner together after? Or go out for "junky" food once a month?

Also, something that has worked really well for me and my partner is that we have a "rule": one night a week, he needs to leave the house and hang out with his friends or something so I can be home alone or do whatever I want. One night a week I make sure to leave the house and do the same for him. And one night a week we absolutely make sure we leave the house and do something together - as a date, not chores or errands. Sometimes it's hard with money but we always go for a walk or go to a cheap movie or something. It's important to set aside time for yourself and also for your partner.

I'm wishing you the best of luck with finding your happy place with this! I've been exactly where you are so feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Your post was full of such wisdom and perfectly put advice. I really thank you for that (you've bought a tear to my eye actually). I will most definitely start trying a few of what you suggested. This absolutely can not continue and I really am grateful for your help.

PinkPixiexox

withaflourish wrote: »

This thread makes me a tiny bit sad for you. This is someone you've been with for 8 years, and over a span of a short 4 months he's decided that not enough attention is being paid to him so he's making you feel "selfish" that you are working on your health and your body. I've read a lot of your posts, and they are filled with optimism, tales of success and a lot of really great, positive feelings about how you've worked through things and how far you've come.

I hope you are able to find a balance that you feel you need to keep your relationship but an ultimatum like that seems a bit like a childish thing for him to do. I think you should consider that it could be some insecurity on his part as well - neither one of these things are your problems to fix.

Thank you so much for this. I do feel like a bit of a monster right now but I appreciate you looking at it from my point of view also - it can be very difficult juggling weight loss with a relationship at times. I have neglected my partner for the weight loss plan, I can see that. It is about finding a balance. But what you have said is very true and I am thankful to you for saying it.

LKArgh

I think you need to actually start making a new lifestyle change, one you can live with on the long run.
It looks like you have lost weight too aggressively so far and your life has been centered on losing the weight.
You need some balance. On the long run, for most people prelogging (or even logging) is not viable, and neither is worrying about calories all the time.
I think you need to start focusing on figuring out how to adapt to new habits, so they start becoming intuitive for you and not posing this many restrictions. It cannot be a constant restriction, or either you will give up or develop an eating disorder. Counting calories serves a purpose as a tool, until you can figure out how to eat better portions and make better food choices, it is not something you can do forever. Perhaps as a long term solution it is the lesser evil for someone who has been severely obese for years and who cannot intuitively eat better. But, based on your age and assuming this is you in the photo, it is time you focused less on weight loss and counting calories. You need to figure out what your new norm regarding portions and food choices will be, so you can get rid of the food scale and calorie counting.

scyian

Can you swap out a few of your gym sessions so you can both do something together? It can be an activity so you're still burning calories. I do a lot of walks or hiking with my husband.

It sounds like you're both eating your own meals. Can you or your boyfriend cook for the both of you and enjoy a shared meal together? Spontaneous dinners out once and awhile isn't a bad thing on occasions. My husband loves my cooking so much I never get the opportunity to dine out.

You need to look at your weight loss as a lifestyle change and fit it into the rest of your life. Are you going to get to your goal weight and then revert back to how you were? Probably not, but are you happy to focus your whole attention on your health and fitness while ignoring what else is around you? He sounds supportive but you need to support him too.

PinkPixiexox

VintageFeline wrote: »

You seem to have stopped living in pursuit of other goals. It sounds like you've gone too far and are sacrificing a lot which is becoming detrimental to your life overall.

So what if you pre-log, there's nothing stopping you from deleting dinner and entering something else. There's nothing stopping you from eating at BK or KFC or anywhere else and staying within goal, you just need to make smart choices. There's nothing wrong with eating at maintenance now and again, it won't make you gain weight and it gives you room to be spontaneous. Have some fun!

There is absolutely no point in getting to a healthy weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle which essentially prolongs your life if you don't have a life to live for.

I still eat out, have a take away, drink a few beers, eat cake and I have not once gained any weight, I just continue to lose. I think you need to have a bit of a reassess as to how to make this sustainable and not a chore to you and those around you.

Perfect - and absolutely spot on. Thank you so much. I will definitely note this.

newyorkcitymom

I wouldn't think of it as what you're doing to him (though that matters) but what you're doing to YOU. You want a lifestyle change you can maintain forever and that makes you feel better about your life. How you're doing it is only partially doing it for you. You should, I think, feel kind of turned on and excited after going to the gym, not drained and starving. You are probably working too hard and eating too little. I don't know how much you have to lose and really understand the desire to get the weight off and keep momentum going. But I would consider the idea of slowing down your weight loss goals - maybe to 1-1.5lbs/week, which is still a pretty good pace. This would allow you to eat more and work in more spontaneity and meals out while still losing. It also gives you time and space to adjust to a new lifestyle you can do forever. I'd suggest checking out the eat more to lose more group here. I eat about 2,000 calories/day and losing over 2lbs/week (though that will slow, I'm just starting). I eat really well most days but I also have days where I go out for a beer or eat out. I try to really stick to my goals most days so that I can go out a few times/week. I also work out or am more active days I know I'll be going out. That seems to help.

I'd also talk to your partner and tell him you agree it's a problem and that you want to be a team in brainstorming how best to address it together. Ultimatums are no good either. I understand he may be frustrated, but he also has to recognize where you're coming from and really be in a position of support. You need that. It's only been 4 months in the context of an 8 year relationship. So also don't beat yourself up over this. Some ideas of ways you can work together on this:
-it's great you guys go to the gym together; that's really sexy and fun. Do you guys lift together? That can be a really fun couple activity as you alternate sets, support/spot each other and there's more room to chat than doing cardio. And lifting heavy is fantastic for your confidence and strength. Look into new rules of lifting for women (he can do it with you at his own weights!). Have a post-workout collective strategy. Is there a chipotle or other healthier fast food chain nearby? Or can you bring food for both of you and go share a meal at a park or somewhere? Or can you pack food to bring to BK together? Also, if you eat before you get home you might have more interest in other things when you get home.
-What kind of social activities do you guys do? Are there more active dates or activities you can do together? Maybe you could try to do something like a hike or bike ride on weekends - you can still pre-plan and bring your food. Or maybe even something more adventurous - is there rock climbing near you? Or is there a sports league of some sort you could start or join? Or sign up for a race?
-could you out sometime into researching restaurants that have really good food that fits in your goals in advance and make a list to choose from when you decide you want to to out? This way you can be "spontaneous" but with some security that you know what you're getting into
-does he cook? Do you? Maybe get creative in the kitchen and take turns cooking. Possibly take a healthy cooking class. Make romantic dinners at home.
-losing weight can take focus and hard work with all the logging. If your partner can help by finding good restaurants or cooking meals you can eat (even entering recipes into MFP) or packing your food for you or organizing your gym bag or taking on some extra a chores at home, thenaube you'll have more energy to think about things like fun together and intimacy.

Your relationship can come out of this stronger and you can find new ways of enjoying time together but it will take both of you. So enlist his help. DON'T just think of his needs as one more thing I your to-do list. Instead, think about how to achieve a balance in your life and relationship together that will make you happier over the long haul. Definitely consider slowing down your goals and findinga way that is sustainable.

Good luck! This is not the end of the world. If you've been happily together for 8 years you should be able to work this through.

msf74

Is there any reason you can't extend your time frame for achieving your goal (which many times is a hollow victory anyway - you get there and think "huh, is that it?")

That way you could allow for a little more flexibility into your life on the eating and exercising side.

Your loss of libido isn't unusual and can be psychological as well as physical. "Letting go" of how tightly you are holding on to your current lifestyle will probably help as it sounds like it is stressing you out. Also, sometimes intimacy is just something you have to work at when it dips. Make a conscious effort to find time in this department and you will *ahem be back in the saddle before you know it.

PinkPixiexox

shell1005 wrote: »

I'm gonna give some advice that is meant with the best intentions. I think you are being rigid and that maybe it is what you need right now. However it also sounds like your relationship is important to you. I would recommend going to see a counselor and working on your issues and working with the counselor on making fundamental plans for some of the problematic times you have listed. I want to say...you can eat out and make it work, but right now that isn't really helpful or use able advice. Working with someone might help you figure out how to make it so.

As an aside, I have used therapy to help me with my head and my body. I could not recommend it more.

Hugs!

Thank you for your kind words.

I have considered speaking to my Doctor in hope that they will refer me to some kind of therapist that can help me treat these issues but I fear I will be medicated and not a lot else. I am already on an anti depressant prescribed by my Dr for anxiety related issues and I have a strong feeling that they will simply increase the dose and hope for the best. I'm hoping not - and trying won't hurt. So I will certainly look into doing that. Thank you again. x

dizzieblondeuk

I hope you don't mind the questions (you've invited comments, so I hope you'll understand why I ask them):

Do you have obsessive or compulsive behaviours in other parts of your life?
Think about a day where you had no phone/internet access - how would you feel if you couldn't log your food, or look up calorie numbers? How stressed out would it make you on a scale of 1-10? if it's any more than 5, you need to wean yourself off dependence on these numbers, and try a more relaxed approach to weight loss.

I suspect you've got a grip way too tight on this whole weight loss plan. You need to take a LOT of deep breaths and step back from this - because you already know how much it's affecting your relationship - and I suspect it's not just with your partner. Where are your family and friends fitting in this 'work/gym/food prep' life of yours? People can get obsessed about all kinds of things in life, and those things can ultimately have detrimental effects on their mental health. The thing is, you know it's having a poor effect on the people around you - and yourself. A complete lack of intimacy with your significant other should be sounding a lot of alarm bells, but you seem to brush it off as 'not enough time'. Saying 'there are other things you could be doing' - oh you poor girl, take a good look at what you're saying there!!! Besides, sex burns calories, lots of them, and apparently you have a ripped BF, take advantage of that!!!!

There's 24 hours in the day - if you work/commute for (say) 9-10 hours, eat/prepare food for 1-1.5 hours, and sleep for 7-8 hours, there are 4 or so hours left in your day. Most people would give up 1-2 hours of that leisure time to gym/exercise, and the rest would be for relaxation, and spending time with loved ones. That's a normal person's routine - you need to aim for that, as your first step. Give yourself a few hours of pure relaxation - with partner, family and friends - and far, far more on the weekends (or whenever you don't work).

You need to take a far more long-term approach to your body and weight - this isn't some sprint race, where you have to come in first, and do everything faster than the next person. This is a race that will last you for the rest of your life - so pace yourself accordingly. Finally, just take a look again at your MFP profile - one of your goals is a dream wedding dress. Think about how much you're jeopardising that and an 8-year relationship for your unyielding behaviour. Small steps in allowing other people to influence your decisions - maybe go to the restaurants and social gatherings, and just eat small portions, instead of refusing to go out at all - will just be enough of allowing some compromise in your life, as it doesn't seem that there's any at all at the moment. And learn to just breathe, and enjoy life. It all seems far too stressful for you to actually be happy right now.

Werk2Eat

If you been together 8 years, then he was with you when you were thick and thin. Is he not happy you are trying to get skinny? Why would he taunt you with KFC and BK? That part seems intentionally cruel. I do agree, you should spend quality time with him. You not spending intimate time with him is possibly why he is taunting you with KFC and BK.