My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.

angelexperiment

Hi there sweetie! I know its tough to balance it out especially when I get hyperfocused about ok I need to get up get kids ready workout and then go work. Well where does my hubby fit in? Um sometimes hes an afterthought and im like I don't have time to canoodle right now but if I stop and think well 10 min or so to make him happy isn't throwing me off much. Or some cuddle time before working out or going for a walk.

he still complains sometimes but I have attempted to eat what he eats with my portion altered a bit, I eat out but alter what I eat and prelog it if possible but relax a bit about this. I have attempted to include him in walks hikes a physical activities together but he is not interested but I still ask every time.

He always gives me a hard time about workouts and etc. But I finally had to talk about it bc I need this. I don't need him bringing home my trigger foods or going out to much tho I got quite good at figuring out how to eat out healthy and low calorie.

It is important to make him feel important and a priority so plan special outing like a bike ride, stroll on the walking mall, going to a movie, things he enjoys too maybe get on a team together through parks and rec like wallyball or softball or rugby or do a challenge together or train together for something like a tough mudder or spartan race. This can be quality time and a goal and help build your relationship up.

but not everything can be fitness all the time. Find out what does he want? What things he likes to do with you? What he wants more of?

And broach eating somewhere more healthy for you and compromise and take turns where to eat. I mean you can have a salad at mc donalds or bk and you can have grilled nuggets at kfc. Ive had to figure it out but its doable.

Machka9

PinkPixiexox wrote: »

I will definitely be considering the 'date night' idea. Just a time where him and I can enjoy eachothers company even for one night will definitely help me loosen up and him understand me better. Thank you so much for your response.

My husband and I go out about once every couple weeks. We like the symphony, theatre, concerts, events, festivals, the occasional movie. Whatever's on. So we don't go out to eat, but we go out for entertainment. Last night was one of those nights ... went to the symphony.

We also go away for the weekend about once every 3 or 4 weeks. We drive somewhere, settle into a hotel, cabin, B&B, campground or whatever in the location of our choice for that weekend, and then explore the area by bicycle, walking, etc. The activity means we can then go out for dinner in the evening, and it's OK.

And we go out for dinner when we're at home every now and then too. In August, we celebrated my husband's birthday and our anniversary, and went out for dinner on both occasions. I exercised during the day, and when we got there I did the usual tricks ... ordered water to drink, ordered the salad as a starter, ordered a dish that seemed like it would have the least calories, etc., and for our anniversary dinner, we shared a banana split for desert.


It can work.

arditarose

When I first started last summer, it didn't get in the way of my relationship. I kept it kind of private, and I was heavy enough that I could lose weight pretty easily.

NOW it's pretty out in the open. He will ask if I want something and I will say no, sorry, it does not fit for me today. BUT I also have days when I put aside the calories to join him for a nice dinner. Maybe I don't have ALL the sides he has, or if we go to dinner I get a beautiful salad while he gets something creamy and high calorie. One glass of wine, a romantic walk-still in a deficit.

I do get you on the intimacy thing. I have been off lately. In the past my libido was so high and even higher after losing weight. Now I can't seem to get my mind off of food and lifting, and it's making me not think about sex quite as much-unfortunately. My advice there is to treat yourself to some sexy lingerie. Come home from the gym, take a shower, put it on. Might make you feel more frisky.

Anyway, I've been a bit crazy lately but my boyfriend understands it's temporary. My advice is to find a balance between how much all of this is open and on the table, and how much you keep a little private. While I'm honest with my boyfriend, I try to use outlets like MFP and my friends list, instagram, research time in the evening, for getting through this deficit. I need to be able to sit down and listen to him talk about his problems, his day, without all this nonsense getting in the way.

LaceyBirds

Don't forget that you are not the only one that should have to compromise in this matter. You can become more intimate (probably the most important thing), go to restaurants, etc., but he needs to also compromise. One of those means he should accept that NOT getting fast food after the gym is something he can compromise on. That one, to me, is a blatant show of sabotage. If you DO go to those places, tell him it is only once or twice a week, not every time you go to the gym. Here are links to KFC and BK menus with nutrition data (which you probably have): kfc.com/nutrition/full-nutrition-guide
https://bk.com/pdfs/nutrition.pdf When I am out for the day, and need to eat, I usually stop at BK and have a Whopper Junior without cheese or mayo. It fills me up, is emotionally satisfying when I am craving a burger, and is "only" 240 calories. Find other things with low calories at his favorite fast food places and only order those, with an iced tea, no lemon and no sugar (which won't appear as "obsessed" as ordering water). Since you already know that he will want to go there a lot, you can pre-plan this into your day.

I agree that you need to look at this way of eating and exercise as a way of living, and that life must go on while you are losing, but I also think that losing this weight and getting healthier is a really important thing to do. While four and a half months may seem like a long time to him, it is not long at all in reality, and you really only have a few more months before you are into maintenance and the extra calories won't matter so much. If you were going to school, with a heavy class load and lots of homework, graduating in January, would he ask you to drop some classes and not graduate until summer so you could spend more time with him at Burger King? I would hope not. Your health and your own emotional well-being is just as, and probably more, important than that. I hope you can remember that and find a way to share that with him as well. Don't "fix" your relationship at your own expense.

gaelicstorm26

You've gotten great advice here and your openness to it really speaks to your self-awareness and your willingness to keep an open mind.

I just wanted to send some hugs your way. Your positive attitude here speaks volumes about your character. I have no doubt that you will be able to make a plan for going forward.

Best wishes!

Florida_Superstar

I think the other posts are very insightful. One other thought that I didn't see -- Is your boyfriend overweight? If you are losing weight and he is not, I can see how he may feel threatened in a way. Without meaning to, you may be challenging his lifestyle and food choices. Sometimes overweight people feel a comfort when their partner is overweight too, and it can disrupt things if one person starts losing weight. Just a thought.

jgnatca

@yogacat13 , I'm like your husband! Laser focus. My children complained that when my attention was on them, there was NO wiggle room, and then I would turn off like a switch. Hubby complains of that too. HELLOOO, like I don't even know he's in the room. It doesn't feel like that for me inside myself. I'm just working on what I'm working on.

OP, learn more about "All or Nothing Thinking". There's middle ground between success and utter failure. Since you get comfort from structure and he appears to be spontaneous (opposites attract!) you can fake spontaneity by working in some of his habits in to your routine. For instance, surely you can work in a BK stop after working out. If you know it is coming (and you know he wants it!) you can plan for it.

You need an intimacy night. Both of you can work on being attractive and wanted.

You will get to your goal, albeit a little more slowly, by easing up on your routine. And you get to keep your great guy too.

This reminds me of a Dharma and Greg episode where Greg faked spontaneity by setting up a complex system on his calendar. Dharma found the calendar.

jemhh

If you aren't intimate regularly, it can be very easy to lose your desire for it. It can very much be an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing. I don't know if that's a personality thing or a male/female difference (or maybe it's the same for males? I don't know) but it can certainly happen. My best advice to turn that around is to make it a point to approach him for intimacy rather than try to ignore the issue. I'm talking several times a week, not once a week to mark it off your to do list. The more you do, the more you will start to look forward to it again. It might feel kind of awkward at first but it works. And don't worry about being sweaty after the gym. That's what joint showers are for

PinkPixiexox

gaelicstorm26 wrote: »

You've gotten great advice here and your openness to it really speaks to your self-awareness and your willingness to keep an open mind.

I just wanted to send some hugs your way. Your positive attitude here speaks volumes about your character. I have no doubt that you will be able to make a plan for going forward.

Best wishes!

Hugs back to you - for being lovely and supportive :]

PinkPixiexox

arditarose wrote: »

When I first started last summer, it didn't get in the way of my relationship. I kept it kind of private, and I was heavy enough that I could lose weight pretty easily.

NOW it's pretty out in the open. He will ask if I want something and I will say no, sorry, it does not fit for me today. BUT I also have days when I put aside the calories to join him for a nice dinner. Maybe I don't have ALL the sides he has, or if we go to dinner I get a beautiful salad while he gets something creamy and high calorie. One glass of wine, a romantic walk-still in a deficit.

I do get you on the intimacy thing. I have been off lately. In the past my libido was so high and even higher after losing weight. Now I can't seem to get my mind off of food and lifting, and it's making me not think about sex quite as much-unfortunately. My advice there is to treat yourself to some sexy lingerie. Come home from the gym, take a shower, put it on. Might make you feel more frisky.

Anyway, I've been a bit crazy lately but my boyfriend understands it's temporary. My advice is to find a balance between how much all of this is open and on the table, and how much you keep a little private. While I'm honest with my boyfriend, I try to use outlets like MFP and my friends list, instagram, research time in the evening, for getting through this deficit. I need to be able to sit down and listen to him talk about his problems, his day, without all this nonsense getting in the way.

Another incredibly intelligent answer. Not sure what I'd do without the people of MFP. You're all fantastic.

PinkPixiexox

LaceyBirds wrote: »

Don't forget that you are not the only one that should have to compromise in this matter. You can become more intimate (probably the most important thing), go to restaurants, etc., but he needs to also compromise. One of those means he should accept that NOT getting fast food after the gym is something he can compromise on. That one, to me, is a blatant show of sabotage. If you DO go to those places, tell him it is only once or twice a week, not every time you go to the gym. Here are links to KFC and BK menus with nutrition data (which you probably have): kfc.com/nutrition/full-nutrition-guide
https://bk.com/pdfs/nutrition.pdf When I am out for the day, and need to eat, I usually stop at BK and have a Whopper Junior without cheese or mayo. It fills me up, is emotionally satisfying when I am craving a burger, and is "only" 240 calories. Find other things with low calories at his favorite fast food places and only order those, with an iced tea, no lemon and no sugar (which won't appear as "obsessed" as ordering water). Since you already know that he will want to go there a lot, you can pre-plan this into your day.

I agree that you need to look at this way of eating and exercise as a way of living, and that life must go on while you are losing, but I also think that losing this weight and getting healthier is a really important thing to do. While four and a half months may seem like a long time to him, it is not long at all in reality, and you really only have a few more months before you are into maintenance and the extra calories won't matter so much. If you were going to school, with a heavy class load and lots of homework, graduating in January, would he ask you to drop some classes and not graduate until summer so you could spend more time with him at Burger King? I would hope not. Your health and your own emotional well-being is just as, and probably more, important than that. I hope you can remember that and find a way to share that with him as well. Don't "fix" your relationship at your own expense.

Such brilliant, useful, wise advice. I'm so thankful for it all.
Really appreciate this post.

Lounmoun

I think you should look for a therapist to help you work through your issues. It can be really helpful.

I'm a pre-logger as well. I find that I often have the same number of calories for specific meals. I would look up restaurants in your area and make a list of things that are within your typical calorie consumption for lunch, dinner, snacks. You should be able to find something. If you know you are going to the gym with your partner and he likes to eat after a workout maybe you can plan on eating out or bring some packed food.

If you are rejecting spending time with family or friends that isn't good. You can go out and just choose reasonable portions and be okay. If you do go over your calories one day it won't hurt you either. You could reach out to people and plan non-food outings or host gatherings where you make the food.

I think not being intimate with your partner is a huge deal in a relationship. If one partner feels neglected and rejected often it can really take a toll. I've been through that when my dd was a baby. Dh and I were able to get past it but it took some effort. Sometimes getting in the mood can take work at first. Maybe take time during your day to think about it. I think a lot of it is mental work. Think about wanting to make your partner feel good. Think about what makes you feel good. Try initiating sex sometimes. Be playful. Try to enjoy your new body shape and energy level. I would really work on this.

Your profile says you are 24 and if you've been together for 8 years that means that you were kind of young. It is also possible that you might both have grown and be less compatible. How was your relationship before you started your weight loss efforts? Do you still like spending time together? Do you have similar values or dreams for the future? Do you still share interests or activities?

Liftng4Lis

Sounds like you need to figure out what's important and find a balance. Remember, this is about living life in a healthy, sustainable way. This means mentally, as well as physically.
Personally, I love how my hard work has paid off and looking hot naked! Okay and because SEX!

DeguelloTex

It may or may not be about your new lifestyle. Either way, it sounds like you need to get some things sorted out. You've gotten some pretty good input.

Domicinator

We like eating out in my family. Sometimes it's just to have a little adventure for a night, and sometimes it's just because nobody feels like cooking and dealing with the kids during dinner and cleaning, etc. There are a LOT of places you can go out to eat that list their menus in MFP and offer healthier options. You can have nights out and still stay in your calorie goal.

For example, my kids love Applebee's, so when we go there I get their cedar plank salmon, and it is absolutely delicious. They even list the calories for the whole entree so you don't have to figure anything out on your own. It's a really great dinner and fits into MFP really nicely. I know it's probably not the exact amount of calories, but I'm guessing the difference is not that much. They're a pretty regulated chain. I don't know where you live, but in our area there are zillions of options like this, and my family has just adapted to what I'll eat and what I won't eat.

That's just my suggestion for the food part.

For the relationship part, it sounds like you're way more into trying to get healthy than you are into this relationship. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. There is something more to this than you're sweaty and tired and don't feel like cuddling or whatever. If he is in as good of shape as you described, he should understand you wanting to be the same. He's not being understanding by bugging you to go to KFC. He's not being understanding by giving you ultimatums. He's not being understanding by criticizing your clothes. When you're losing this volume of weight, sometimes workout clothes are all you have!

Trust me, I've gotten into phases like what you're describing. Hyper focused, tired from working out, frustrated because the scale didn't move today or because I wanted to eat that piece of cake but didn't and now it's all I'm thinking about. At that point, I withdraw from people to avoid being crabby with them, and I clam up. But my wife understands this. She tells me every day how proud she is of what I'm doing, and that she understands why I'm crabby or why I don't want to go to IHOP because I have very few calories left for the day. She also tells me how much better I look now in all my new, much smaller clothes.

Her being understanding makes all the difference. And when I'm being ridiculous, she tells me so. The other day I was a little pouty because my parents were in town for my son's first ever piano recital, and everyone wanted to go to a restaurant that I will not typically eat at because of the lack of low cal options. In the car I said something like, "Ugh, I do not want to eat here", and she said, "Well, suck it up, because today isn't about you." And she was right. That particular day was not about me and my calorie counting, and I actually DID find something on the menu I would eat, and after that day I DID continue to lose weight.

I know you might not like to hear this, but I think you're at a tipping point with this relationship, where you've realized that you're currently more into your own thing than pleasing him all the time. I think that's fine--you have to do you or you'll never get healthy. But also, you both need to be fair to each other and re-evaluate whether this should continue or not.

stealthq

Werk2Eat wrote: »

msf74 wrote: »

Maybe he's not "taunting" her but rather wants to share a personal experience with her - eating together - which is one of the core foundational activities that people or societies have together. The need to break bread together is as old as our human history.

Most people don't want to sabotage each other.

I could understand a nice restaurant, but KFC and BK? Those are places you goto as a last minute/last resort. Heck, who even actually sits down and eats at those fast food joints? Most people get that junk food to go and eat it on their way to work or way home. Hardly considered an "experience"

He's hungry and they're on the way home from the gym. You're not going to go to a sit-down restaurant all sweaty. Besides, there's nothing wrong with either KFC or BK. KFC especially has good options for diet-conscious people. Their grilled chicken is actually pretty good, and the skin can be removed if that's a concern.

OP, I'm of the opinion that the logging and tracking seems like it is becoming more of an obsession than a dedication for you. I think you risk eventually being in dangerous territory if you don't force yourself to relax a bit. I wonder if your boyfriend is seeing this and that is a large part of why he's speaking up.

slideaway1

I'm sure it will sort itself out. I understand the situation from both sides and neither of you are doing anything wrong or being purposely out of order to each other. I'm sure that you will probably settle into a more balanced lifestyle once you have reached your goals and will not be as strict/limiting on yourself. You both sound as though you are being reasonable and I'm sure you can come to a compromise.

PinkPixiexox

Domicinator wrote: »

We like eating out in my family. Sometimes it's just to have a little adventure for a night, and sometimes it's just because nobody feels like cooking and dealing with the kids during dinner and cleaning, etc. There are a LOT of places you can go out to eat that list their menus in MFP and offer healthier options. You can have nights out and still stay in your calorie goal.

For example, my kids love Applebee's, so when we go there I get their cedar plank salmon, and it is absolutely delicious. They even list the calories for the whole entree so you don't have to figure anything out on your own. It's a really great dinner and fits into MFP really nicely. I know it's probably not the exact amount of calories, but I'm guessing the difference is not that much. They're a pretty regulated chain. I don't know where you live, but in our area there are zillions of options like this, and my family has just adapted to what I'll eat and what I won't eat.

That's just my suggestion for the food part.

For the relationship part, it sounds like you're way more into trying to get healthy than you are into this relationship. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. There is something more to this than you're sweaty and tired and don't feel like cuddling or whatever. If he is in as good of shape as you described, he should understand you wanting to be the same. He's not being understanding by bugging you to go to KFC. He's not being understanding by giving you ultimatums. He's not being understanding by criticizing your clothes. When you're losing this volume of weight, sometimes workout clothes are all you have!

Trust me, I've gotten into phases like what you're describing. Hyper focused, tired from working out, frustrated because the scale didn't move today or because I wanted to eat that piece of cake but didn't and now it's all I'm thinking about. At that point, I withdraw from people to avoid being crabby with them, and I clam up. But my wife understands this. She tells me every day how proud she is of what I'm doing, and that she understands why I'm crabby or why I don't want to go to IHOP because I have very few calories left for the day. She also tells me how much better I look now in all my new, much smaller clothes.

Her being understanding makes all the difference. And when I'm being ridiculous, she tells me so. The other day I was a little pouty because my parents were in town for my son's first ever piano recital, and everyone wanted to go to a restaurant that I will not typically eat at because of the lack of low cal options. In the car I said something like, "Ugh, I do not want to eat here", and she said, "Well, suck it up, because today isn't about you." And she was right. That particular day was not about me and my calorie counting, and I actually DID find something on the menu I would eat, and after that day I DID continue to lose weight.

I know you might not like to hear this, but I think you're at a tipping point with this relationship, where you've realized that you're currently more into your own thing than pleasing him all the time. I think that's fine--you have to do you or you'll never get healthy. But also, you both need to be fair to each other and re-evaluate whether this should continue or not.

I really appreciate your response and I will take all of your advice. This was incredibly useful to me and I really hope, after reading this and putting some of these eating out tips into practice, I can start paying more attention to my relationship. Yes my health is incredibly important to me now because I know how bad I felt when I was overweight - I don't ever want to get back there. It's important that my boyfriend understands just how much this means to me, so I will talk this through with him and make compromises with him. Thank you so much and it's fantastic to see you are successful and still living a good quality life. It gives me hope.

Kalikel

If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

slideaway1

Kalikel wrote: »

If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.