Think before you send that nasty message
beth0277
Posts: 217 Member
I'll preface by saying MFP is mostly really, really positive and helpful. Now, a little background, I am a recovering binge eater. I've binged for as long as I can remember. With help from this community and learning to give myself grace when it comes to what I eat, I'm FINALLY doing well with weight loss. I've tried so many "low sugar" "low carb" this-and-that diets and fail every time and end up binging, and this time I'm counting calories, eating what I want (while trying to make healthy choices, most of the time), exercising, and I'm finally doing well. Weight isn't coming off as quickly as I would like, but slow and steady is the name of the game.
So a week or so ago I posted on this community about slow weight loss and just a bit about how to stay motivated. Late last night I randomly got a message from someone whom I've never "talked" to before regarding my post. It was so rude and nasty and basically said "You need to eat more vegetables and soluble fiber. You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book". This person had looked at my diary and didn't like what they saw. I'll admit I add a lot of "quick calories", especially when something isn't an exact serving. How would this person know what those calories are? They are often vegetables, but what does it matter if I am under my calorie goal? I also had a rough-ish day on Monday (which ended in victory, for me) because I wanted to binge and did eat a BIG bowl of fruity pebbles, which I haven't eaten in forever, with every plan to binge after that, and I didn't. I tracked the cereal and started fresh the next day. I'm learning every day and this message was so nasty that for a second it made me feel like I'm not good enough or won't be able to do this. Screw that. I'm taking control of my health and this person has no right to derail me.
Please think before you send someone a message or respond in a negative way to their posts. This person may have an eating disorder that they are working on getting under control and you may say just enough to push them back. This person tried that with me, and almost succeeded, but the good advice I've gotten in this community has taught me that this is my journey and I'm going to make mistakes along the way but no one else can do it for me, and no one else can stop me.
So a week or so ago I posted on this community about slow weight loss and just a bit about how to stay motivated. Late last night I randomly got a message from someone whom I've never "talked" to before regarding my post. It was so rude and nasty and basically said "You need to eat more vegetables and soluble fiber. You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book". This person had looked at my diary and didn't like what they saw. I'll admit I add a lot of "quick calories", especially when something isn't an exact serving. How would this person know what those calories are? They are often vegetables, but what does it matter if I am under my calorie goal? I also had a rough-ish day on Monday (which ended in victory, for me) because I wanted to binge and did eat a BIG bowl of fruity pebbles, which I haven't eaten in forever, with every plan to binge after that, and I didn't. I tracked the cereal and started fresh the next day. I'm learning every day and this message was so nasty that for a second it made me feel like I'm not good enough or won't be able to do this. Screw that. I'm taking control of my health and this person has no right to derail me.
Please think before you send someone a message or respond in a negative way to their posts. This person may have an eating disorder that they are working on getting under control and you may say just enough to push them back. This person tried that with me, and almost succeeded, but the good advice I've gotten in this community has taught me that this is my journey and I'm going to make mistakes along the way but no one else can do it for me, and no one else can stop me.
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Replies
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Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
Of course, but that's not as easy for someone who has a history of disordered eating and low self esteem from being overweight. I'm working on it all, and I'm really happy with my progress, but words can mean more than someone realizes.0 -
I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been lucky to receive nothing but support, but I do see some posts coming from negative people. Just brush them off and remember, you're doing this for YOU and no one else!0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?0 -
Good for you for not letting it derail you back to your old ways. Don't listen to that kind of person. Chances are they don't know much about nutrition either. You're doing awesome eating how you are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!0
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@DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!
Thanks for the post OP. I had similar struggles in the beginning with MFP, when I was trying to join in on conversations and posts and got the odd bit of nastiness. It felt like being the new kid at a snooty school.
I keep my diary open but it has cost me a couple of nasty messages.
See it in perspective, as you have done.0 -
MarziPanda95 wrote: »Good for you for not letting it derail you back to your old ways. Don't listen to that kind of person. Chances are they don't know much about nutrition either. You're doing awesome eating how you are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
I looked at their profile and it looks like they are loud-and-proud vegan. Which is fine and great if that's what makes them happy but I'm not interested in that lifestyle for myself.0 -
Of course it's not okay to be a jerk but unfortunately we don't have control over other people, only ourselves and how we react.
My mom always told me, "No one can ever make you mad, only you can choose to be mad." Good advice.
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Rule of the internet: Some people delight in being nasty to people for no other reason than being nasty. They just look for an opportunity to be rude under the guise of "hard love" or some other nonsense.. I don't know why this this, low self esteem, or simply sadistic, either way don't let them get you down, just blow them right on off. They play their games, we should play ours as well, and ours is called "Lose Weight and don't be an *kitten*" Bing eating is a hard thing to overcome, and I salute your efforts to get it under control, if it was easy there would be no bing eaters..yet...there are
One thing that I have internalized over my many years of being involved in numerous forums is this..someone I don't know..why do I really care what their opinion of me is? I don't. They don't know me well enough to even recognize me on the street much less judge me.
Hang in there and work on the opinion that matter most, and truly only, yours! Sounds to me like you are doing great and making steps!0 -
A few years ago I got a message from a guy on here that said I should try harder so I could be hot like all the other people on his friends list. That really messed me up and kept me of this site for years.0
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Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
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Yes, but trying to convince jerks not to be jerks is a pretty futile exercise. Focusing on your own reactions actually has potential for success. Weeding jerks out of the world doesn't.@DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").0 -
Amberonamission wrote: »A few years ago I got a message from a guy on here that said I should try harder so I could be hot like all the other people on his friends list. That really messed me up and kept me of this site for years.
You are gorgeous! What a douche! I had to click your profile after you said that, and you ma'am do not look your age at all.@DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!
Thanks for the post OP. I had similar struggles in the beginning with MFP, when I was trying to join in on conversations and posts and got the odd bit of nastiness. It felt like being the new kid at a snooty school.
I keep my diary open but it has cost me a couple of nasty messages.
See it in perspective, as you have done.
I've always wondered why some people have closed diaries. I like snoop through them sometime for ideas on what to eat. Never thought that others were snooping just to judge and belittle.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
I agree with you.
There is a difference between a jerky post and a message. A single post needs to be read in context and may come across as being a jerk when it is not. It also can be referring to something said one or more posts above by another person and if the reference is not quoted, the context can be lost. Or it can just be someone being a jerk. A message, on the other hand, (I am reading in the OP that someone sent an actual PM to the OP) is individual and personal. There is often no need for something like that to sound like it is coming from a jerk. Are you on the person's friend list? Did the person ASK for specific advice or an elaboration? If not, what you have to say can easily be said in the context of the thread to benefit all. PM's from random strangers commenting on your diary strike me as a bit odd. I keep mine open to friends and only open it to everyone if I am seeking advice regarding it. (At which point I am ready for anything, including criticism, which I asked for)
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Its a public forum and tbh some people dont think just as others never listen. Perhaps the person was just being to the point and trying to be helpful. Quick calories are often a sign of poor logging. One persons mean is another persons honest to the point.
Its much less common for people to send pms rather than post on a thread, but maybe it was because it was a week old they felt they wanted to give you that advice.
Maybe change your profile stating you do not welcome unsolicited advice? Maybe close your diary to all except friends. I wouldnt worry about it as you say they dont know you, so I wouldnt be getting upset with it. Without seeing the actual message I cant say whether it was rude and nasty(not asking to look). Just brush it off and focus on where you wnat to go.0 -
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
I agree with you.
There is a difference between a jerky post and a message. A single post needs to be read in context and may come across as being a jerk when it is not. It also can be referring to something said one or more posts above by another person and if the reference is not quoted, the context can be lost. Or it can just be someone being a jerk. A message, on the other hand, (I am reading in the OP that someone sent an actual PM to the OP) is individual and personal. There is often no need for something like that to sound like it is coming from a jerk. Are you on the person's friend list? Did the person ASK for specific advice or an elaboration? If not, what you have to say can easily be said in the context of the thread to benefit all. PM's from random strangers commenting on your diary strike me as a bit odd. I keep mine open to friends and only open it to everyone if I am seeking advice regarding it.
Right. If I had posted asking for advice and someone responded to the post saying "Maybe try to add this to your diet or I think you should read a book about nutrition to get started, here's one I recommend" it would have been taken totally different than a random PM sent from someone whom I've never interacted with before.0 -
If you find the message to be inappropriate then report it to one of the Mods as suggested and let them handle it. They are generally fair (well, apart from when they give me warnings *shakes fist*).
It's a shame you had that experience.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?0 -
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
She is the only one responsible for the way she responds to the situation, yes.
None of us have any control over how others act on the internet. We do, however, have control over how we act and react to situations.0 -
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
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Oh look, is that the time? I really must dash...
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
Of course, but that's not as easy for someone who has a history of disordered eating and low self esteem from being overweight. I'm working on it all, and I'm really happy with my progress, but words can mean more than someone realizes.
I can relate 10000% I'm a binge eater too no esteem. Sometimes it's the messages from people we don't know that make us feel even worse. Why? Because people that know nothing about us read something we posted and reply with coy, snotty, and most often belittling comments it makes an already fragile person feel even worse. " see a therapist" I've been told. Well no crap Sherlock but there's no magical happy pill that makes all that bring me down go away!!! It takes work to love self- build me up buttercup don't break me down0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
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It seems likely to me that a PM like you describe was specifically meant to provoke you to a negative reaction. Asking someone like that to think before they send the message is, imo, basically useless, because they've already thought about and are sending exactly the type of message they mean to send.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
Really, all you can do is react appropriately -- which it seems you definitely did -- and, perhaps, report the PM as others have suggested. Trying to convince a scorpion not to be a scorpion doesn't seem viable.
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