Think before you send that nasty message
Replies
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
He has a point, which is to empower yourself by choosing not to let it get to you.
Maybe write down how you will deal with the next time someone is mean or rude to you and then follow the strategy when it happens. Its just an internet person and should bever be enough to derail you. Keep focused on what you have to do.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
To use her thread title, "Think before you send". Read your message again and try to read it as if you haven't seen it before. I do not agree that MFP (whether public or private) should be all unicorns and rainbows and members should not be treated with kid gloves, but trying to see your comments or PM's as others see them can go a long way towards getting your message across.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
It shouldn't be unrealistic to recognize that when people DO act like jerks, it can hurt because humans are social creatures. Neither should it be unrealistic to be able to call jerks out on their behavior rather than telling people "Just don't feel the way you do!"0 -
Feel free to exercise the "block" option on anyone who takes the time to click on your page and initiate a rude message. I find that most people who like to antagonize others are hoping for a response, blocking them tends to send a very clear message.
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It's not really fighting back against the message, per se, but about the usefulness of the message versus the usefulness of accepting that people are going to say things you don't like and the viable solution is to learn to deal with it more than hope to change it.I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
I mean, yeah, "be nicer" is pretty unassailable. Just not necessarily realistic.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
He has a point, which is to empower yourself by choosing not to let it get to you.
Maybe write down how you will deal with the next time someone is mean or rude to you and then follow the strategy when it happens. Its just an internet person and should never be enough to derail you. Keep focused on what you have to do.
Excellent advice.
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You're mowing down the strawmen, I'll give you that.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
It shouldn't be unrealistic to recognize that when people DO act like jerks, it can hurt because humans are social creatures. Neither should it be unrealistic to be able to call jerks out on their behavior rather than telling people "Just don't feel the way you do!"
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
Yes, the world would be a better place if everyone had manners. Alas, they do not. This is the reality. It is up to me to decide how I respond to others.
Sure, "You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book" is somewhat rude, but it's also laughable. Compared to the dreck I got in my inbox when I did online dating, it's nothing. I got really quick with the Block and Delete buttons in those days. I wouldn't seek mod intervention unless someone was proposing something criminal.
@beth0277 - I'm sorry this message distressed you. However, you will have a better experience online if you realize that there are a lot of jerks here and don't take them personally. They don't know you. They are just trying to further their own agenda. While you were the recipient of the message, it really has very little to do with you personally.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
To use her thread title, "Think before you send". Read your message again and try to read it as if you haven't seen it before. I do not agree that MFP (whether public or private) should be all unicorns and rainbows and members should not be treated with kid gloves, but trying to see your comments or PM's as others see them can go a long way towards getting your message across.
Sure, that sounds sensible. I don't think the boards in particular need to be all sweetness and light too.
However, if there is an instance of bad behaviour (assuming that is the case) I think the first port of call should always be addressing that it is unacceptable and then addressing the resilience of the person concerned if that is necessary (again, advice I think is good.)
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OP, I would recommend reporting and blocking the user. I've never really understood the whole PMing people I randomly see in the forums to give an opinion on their diet (or anything else for that matter), but apparently this is a thing. I'm sorry that happened, but I'm glad you're not letting it derail your progress.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
It's not really fighting back against the message, per se, but about the usefulness of the message versus the usefulness of accepting that people are going to say things you don't like and the viable solution is to learn to deal with it more than hope to change it.I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
I mean, yeah, "be nicer" is pretty unassailable. Just not necessarily realistic.
Sure, and as I said up thread addressing the resilience of the person concerned may prove to be very good advice.
I think it is the order in which things are addressed that sometimes need rethinking. If we default to looking at the person on the receiving end as a starting point then we risk not addressing the initial bad behaviour to any meaningful degree which means the community can degrade rather than improve.
Obviously, what constitutes bad behaviour could very well be a heated discussion!
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I agree. Some people aren't as friendly as others but we must keep ourselves accountable of our own well being. It doesn't seem reasonable to blame someone (a complete stranger at that) for your near backslide.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.0 -
I agree. Some people aren't as friendly as others but we must keep ourselves accountable of our own well being. It doesn't seem reasonable to blame someone (a complete stranger at that) for your near backslide.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
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I am sorry you were attacked. Some folk are experts, or at least they believe they are. They tear down others to build themselves. I believe there is a way to block, report or tell admin that someone is abusing. Maybe look into that. Best wishes on success! I know you can beat this!
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I'll preface by saying MFP is mostly really, really positive and helpful. Now, a little background, I am a recovering binge eater. I've binged for as long as I can remember. With help from this community and learning to give myself grace when it comes to what I eat, I'm FINALLY doing well with weight loss. I've tried so many "low sugar" "low carb" this-and-that diets and fail every time and end up binging, and this time I'm counting calories, eating what I want (while trying to make healthy choices, most of the time), exercising, and I'm finally doing well. Weight isn't coming off as quickly as I would like, but slow and steady is the name of the game.
So a week or so ago I posted on this community about slow weight loss and just a bit about how to stay motivated. Late last night I randomly got a message from someone whom I've never "talked" to before regarding my post. It was so rude and nasty and basically said "You need to eat more vegetables and soluble fiber. You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book". This person had looked at my diary and didn't like what they saw. I'll admit I add a lot of "quick calories", especially when something isn't an exact serving. How would this person know what those calories are? They are often vegetables, but what does it matter if I am under my calorie goal? I also had a rough-ish day on Monday (which ended in victory, for me) because I wanted to binge and did eat a BIG bowl of fruity pebbles, which I haven't eaten in forever, with every plan to binge after that, and I didn't. I tracked the cereal and started fresh the next day. I'm learning every day and this message was so nasty that for a second it made me feel like I'm not good enough or won't be able to do this. Screw that. I'm taking control of my health and this person has no right to derail me.
Please think before you send someone a message or respond in a negative way to their posts. This person may have an eating disorder that they are working on getting under control and you may say just enough to push them back. This person tried that with me, and almost succeeded, but the good advice I've gotten in this community has taught me that this is my journey and I'm going to make mistakes along the way but no one else can do it for me, and no one else can stop me.
Very well said. I had problems when I first came on here with some negativity unfortunately my responses were not worded as nice as yours. I let my anger and the negative comments fuel what was a very distructive eating pattern. Keep up the good work. You are strong do not let anyone get you down0 -
I've always wondered why some people have closed diaries. I like snoop through them sometime for ideas on what to eat. Never thought that others were snooping just to judge and belittle.
[/quote]
I believe I will close my diary now. 0 -
There are quite a few people here that think they are the food police and I find it beyond rude. Had you have reached out here and asked people to actively analyze your food diary and offer opinions, that reaction to your choices was still unnecessary and snarky. These 'food police' individuals need to understand that they too started off knowing absolutely nothing about the weight loss process and had to learn it step by step. I'm still learning every single day but I'm afraid I wouldn't have had a polite word to say to someone openly critiquing my food without being asked to. Mind your business and take a seat, is my answer.
This is not tough love. Tough love shouldn't come from strangers. This is a support website for weight loss, not a place to patrol and police people's choices. Generally, people will gradually work out *WHY* weight isn't coming off without being bullied into changing things. A few years ago, if someone ridiculed me into stopping eating a very low calorie diet, I would have burst into helpless tears because I was vulnerable and confused and didn't know WHAT was right.
My approach on here is utter kindness - because I know the struggle. I would never, EVER dream of calling out someone else in such a way, not only because I have manners but tact aswell. Rudeness is ugly.
Rant over.
And OP, head up high, forget about it and move on. You're fine. Do it your way and don't let anyone try and throw you.0 -
I've always wondered why some people have closed diaries. I like snoop through them sometime for ideas on what to eat. Never thought that others were snooping just to judge and belittle.
I believe I will close my diary now. [/quote]
There are various settings, but the default is closed. Being able to see someones diary can be very helpful if someone has an issue. I dont think anyone worth listening to is trawling through peoples diaries to judge and belittle. If you feel they are then block and report them.
Suggesting someone should stop using quick calories as well as eat veg and fibre, doesnt sound like belittling.
Do wahtever makes you comfortable though.0 -
There are various settings, but the default is closed. Being able to see someones diary can be very helpful if someone has an issue. I dont think anyone worth listening to is trawling through peoples diaries to judge and belittle. If you feel they are then block and report them.
Suggesting someone should stop using quick calories as well as eat veg and fibre, doesnt sound like belittling.
Do wahtever makes you comfortable though.[/quote]
i doubt it was that part that offended the OP
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I wish there was a like option for posts0
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40andFindingFitness wrote: »Feel free to exercise the "block" option on anyone who takes the time to click on your page and initiate a rude message. I find that most people who like to antagonize others are hoping for a response, blocking them tends to send a very clear message.
I've never done this...love it!
OP: you also can change your diary setting to "viewable only by friends" so you are choosing who can view it. I've also "unfriended" people when they are un inspiring.
You've probably already gotten this advice...I stopped reading many of the comments in this thread because like so many others, it has turned into a debate.
Some of us just don't have the ability to: See how we look through others eyes (empathy is not something we all were born with) OR to agree to disagree. I'm glad the debaters of the world can find each other and don't try and debate with me...because now I will block you!
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40andFindingFitness wrote: »Feel free to exercise the "block" option on anyone who takes the time to click on your page and initiate a rude message. I find that most people who like to antagonize others are hoping for a response, blocking them tends to send a very clear message.
I've never done this...love it!
OP: you also can change your diary setting to "viewable only by friends" so you are choosing who can view it. I've also "unfriended" people when they are un inspiring.
You've probably already gotten this advice...I stopped reading many of the comments in this thread because like so many others, it has turned into a debate.
Some of us just don't have the ability to: See how we look through others eyes (empathy is not something we all were born with) OR to agree to disagree. I'm glad the debaters of the world can find each other and don't try and debate with me...because now I will block you!
dont have the ability or like the way you are?0 -
It's probably best to make a habit of never giving anyone unasked for advice. Anywhere, not just on MFP.0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
Of course, but that's not as easy for someone who has a history of disordered eating and low self esteem from being overweight. I'm working on it all, and I'm really happy with my progress, but words can mean more than someone realizes.
Don't let people like that get to you and forward the message to the forum administrator, Alex. If how you're logging is working for you, and you're staying within your goals and losing weight and controlling binge eating, then that's all that matters. You can do this, and don't ever let anyone else stand in your way. 0 -
No one can be for everyone eh?
I mean there are some people who don't even like me. It's astonishing I know but apparently true!
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40andFindingFitness wrote: »Feel free to exercise the "block" option on anyone who takes the time to click on your page and initiate a rude message. I find that most people who like to antagonize others are hoping for a response, blocking them tends to send a very clear message.
I've never done this...love it!
OP: you also can change your diary setting to "viewable only by friends" so you are choosing who can view it. I've also "unfriended" people when they are un inspiring.
You've probably already gotten this advice...I stopped reading many of the comments in this thread because like so many others, it has turned into a debate.
Some of us just don't have the ability to: See how we look through others eyes (empathy is not something we all were born with) OR to agree to disagree. I'm glad the debaters of the world can find each other and don't try and debate with me...because now I will block you!
Because having a discussion about the issues that arise is a bad thing.......... sigh.0
This discussion has been closed.
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