Think before you send that nasty message
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?0 -
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
She is the only one responsible for the way she responds to the situation, yes.
None of us have any control over how others act on the internet. We do, however, have control over how we act and react to situations.0 -
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
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Oh look, is that the time? I really must dash...
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
Of course, but that's not as easy for someone who has a history of disordered eating and low self esteem from being overweight. I'm working on it all, and I'm really happy with my progress, but words can mean more than someone realizes.
I can relate 10000% I'm a binge eater too no esteem. Sometimes it's the messages from people we don't know that make us feel even worse. Why? Because people that know nothing about us read something we posted and reply with coy, snotty, and most often belittling comments it makes an already fragile person feel even worse. " see a therapist" I've been told. Well no crap Sherlock but there's no magical happy pill that makes all that bring me down go away!!! It takes work to love self- build me up buttercup don't break me down0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
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It seems likely to me that a PM like you describe was specifically meant to provoke you to a negative reaction. Asking someone like that to think before they send the message is, imo, basically useless, because they've already thought about and are sending exactly the type of message they mean to send.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
Really, all you can do is react appropriately -- which it seems you definitely did -- and, perhaps, report the PM as others have suggested. Trying to convince a scorpion not to be a scorpion doesn't seem viable.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
He has a point, which is to empower yourself by choosing not to let it get to you.
Maybe write down how you will deal with the next time someone is mean or rude to you and then follow the strategy when it happens. Its just an internet person and should bever be enough to derail you. Keep focused on what you have to do.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
To use her thread title, "Think before you send". Read your message again and try to read it as if you haven't seen it before. I do not agree that MFP (whether public or private) should be all unicorns and rainbows and members should not be treated with kid gloves, but trying to see your comments or PM's as others see them can go a long way towards getting your message across.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
It shouldn't be unrealistic to recognize that when people DO act like jerks, it can hurt because humans are social creatures. Neither should it be unrealistic to be able to call jerks out on their behavior rather than telling people "Just don't feel the way you do!"0 -
Feel free to exercise the "block" option on anyone who takes the time to click on your page and initiate a rude message. I find that most people who like to antagonize others are hoping for a response, blocking them tends to send a very clear message.
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It's not really fighting back against the message, per se, but about the usefulness of the message versus the usefulness of accepting that people are going to say things you don't like and the viable solution is to learn to deal with it more than hope to change it.I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
I mean, yeah, "be nicer" is pretty unassailable. Just not necessarily realistic.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
People are going to be jerks, I totally get that. And tough love is a form of help, for some people. I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them. If I was as mentally strong as I want to be, I doubt I would need to lose 50 pounds to begin with.
He has a point, which is to empower yourself by choosing not to let it get to you.
Maybe write down how you will deal with the next time someone is mean or rude to you and then follow the strategy when it happens. Its just an internet person and should never be enough to derail you. Keep focused on what you have to do.
Excellent advice.
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You're mowing down the strawmen, I'll give you that.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The OP is the only one with the responsibility for her response, reaction, and actions.DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
It seems clear that the jerk initiated the situation, but that doesn't mean it isn't the OP's responsibility to react appropriately. Ideally, he wouldn't have been a jerk. Since we don't live in an ideal world, the next best option is to react in a beneficial way... which the OP did.
It shouldn't be unrealistic to recognize that when people DO act like jerks, it can hurt because humans are social creatures. Neither should it be unrealistic to be able to call jerks out on their behavior rather than telling people "Just don't feel the way you do!"
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
For clarification, then, is the OP the only one with responsibility in the situation she described?
Yes, the world would be a better place if everyone had manners. Alas, they do not. This is the reality. It is up to me to decide how I respond to others.
Sure, "You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book" is somewhat rude, but it's also laughable. Compared to the dreck I got in my inbox when I did online dating, it's nothing. I got really quick with the Block and Delete buttons in those days. I wouldn't seek mod intervention unless someone was proposing something criminal.
@beth0277 - I'm sorry this message distressed you. However, you will have a better experience online if you realize that there are a lot of jerks here and don't take them personally. They don't know you. They are just trying to further their own agenda. While you were the recipient of the message, it really has very little to do with you personally.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.DeguelloTex wrote: »
Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.DeguelloTex wrote: »Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
I was just pointing out that you never know someone's history or how your words can derail them.
Again, a PM is different than a post. A PM IS personal and someone who is sensitive can take it VERY personal.
I agree that people need to be less sensitive about posts, which are usually not personal and are easier to just shrug off.
I agree with you largely. A PM is someone metaphorically entering into your personal space and therefore has the ability to be much more intrusive.
That said do we really need to be fighting back against the general message of "have some empathy and be kind" which is all I think the OP is suggesting.
To use her thread title, "Think before you send". Read your message again and try to read it as if you haven't seen it before. I do not agree that MFP (whether public or private) should be all unicorns and rainbows and members should not be treated with kid gloves, but trying to see your comments or PM's as others see them can go a long way towards getting your message across.
Sure, that sounds sensible. I don't think the boards in particular need to be all sweetness and light too.
However, if there is an instance of bad behaviour (assuming that is the case) I think the first port of call should always be addressing that it is unacceptable and then addressing the resilience of the person concerned if that is necessary (again, advice I think is good.)
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OP, I would recommend reporting and blocking the user. I've never really understood the whole PMing people I randomly see in the forums to give an opinion on their diet (or anything else for that matter), but apparently this is a thing. I'm sorry that happened, but I'm glad you're not letting it derail your progress.0
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