Family Support
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kshama2001 wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »Seriously, why on earth would you tolerate essentially being a single mom while being married? The entire point of a marriage is to create an alliance with another person against the harsh realities of the world. You're not living in an alliance, you are carrying the yoke all by yourself. Sounds like the first thing you need to do, food aside, is get a counselor (ideally a respectable male one, because your husband sounds like the type who would only take advice from another man) and have him kick your hubby into gear.
Another vote for couples therapy with a male counselor.
Oh did someone else already suggest this? I have nothing against female counselors, I'm actually quite the feminist, but I'm also for what works, and men with certain ideas about the world are more likely to respond to other men (who they respect) when given advice. They feel like when a woman does it it's nagging, or worse, being ganged up on by her and the wife. It's a small population, most guys are totally great, but those guys exist, and why not go for the best chance of success ya know?0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »Also how's this as I have discussed some of the above previously.
"This is what you signed up for". So not sure partner is a fair assessment. His parents where pretty old school.
Eh, my fiance's parents were very old school and we both prefer traditional gender roles, but that doesn't mean he doesn't pull his weight.
I think he thinks I will be like his mother was but she stayed at home I work 40plus a week. Just not enough hours. Actually don't get me going I need to stop my good mood is fading fast
I too work full time, but from home, which does make things easier.
But when I worked in an office, I spent a few hours on Sundays cooking for Monday - Thursday.0 -
clgaram720 wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »Seriously, why on earth would you tolerate essentially being a single mom while being married? The entire point of a marriage is to create an alliance with another person against the harsh realities of the world. You're not living in an alliance, you are carrying the yoke all by yourself. Sounds like the first thing you need to do, food aside, is get a counselor (ideally a respectable male one, because your husband sounds like the type who would only take advice from another man) and have him kick your hubby into gear.
Another vote for couples therapy with a male counselor.
Oh did someone else already suggest this? I have nothing against female counselors, I'm actually quite the feminist, but I'm also for what works, and men with certain ideas about the world are more likely to respond to other men (who they respect) when given advice. They feel like when a woman does it it's nagging, or worse, being ganged up on by her and the wife. It's a small population, most guys are totally great, but those guys exist, and why not go for the best chance of success ya know?
Yes, exactly.0 -
There was absolutely no reason to be rude.
Sorry if it came across that way, but I'm fairly certain being referred to as "super" is a compliment. It was surely intended that way. A "unicorn among the rest of us" means "something special" or "having or possessing special qualities". I'm not sure where you got "rude" from a sentence including two compliments of your capabilities compared to the average joe, but it certainly wasn't intended that way, and I don't think it was by normal standards. I realize you can't actually hear intonation in a voice via text, but there was no sarcasm there.0 -
And I stand by what I said. It works for you, and I am awed by that (in a good way), but it clearly isn't working for her.0
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kshama2001 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »Also how's this as I have discussed some of the above previously.
"This is what you signed up for". So not sure partner is a fair assessment. His parents where pretty old school.
Eh, my fiance's parents were very old school and we both prefer traditional gender roles, but that doesn't mean he doesn't pull his weight.
I think he thinks I will be like his mother was but she stayed at home I work 40plus a week. Just not enough hours. Actually don't get me going I need to stop my good mood is fading fast
I too work full time, but from home, which does make things easier.
But when I worked in an office, I spent a few hours on Sundays cooking for Monday - Thursday.
This is another great alternative. If you LIKE (like @elphie754 does) that particular responsibility and are totally fine (not what I'm hearing but okay) with it being your thing, then maybe focus more on better planning for the food for the week so you don't feel pressured last minute to whip something not real healthy up for the guys and then have to make something special for you. There's always compromises0 -
clgaram720 wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »Would you approve of your sons eating macaroni and cheese 4 nights a week? Or pizza rolls? Or any number of other easy-to-make-easy-to-eat meals that are awful for them?
I'm very fortunate. My daughter is leaning toward pollo vegetarianism. While she may eat a fair amount of macaroni and cheese, she also usually eats a large salad and some protein with it. She's a smart kid. She learns from other people's mistakes.
)
I figured @ZeroDelta, I just wanted to make sure you knew that while i was offering a dissenting opinion, that it is in fact OPINION and I didn't want you to think it meant I was casting some kind of judgement on your family's way of doing things, cause that's totally not where I was coming from:) Thanks for being so cool about it
You guys are too civil! There's no fun to be had if nobody is getting all worked up!!!
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Just in case anyone doesn't read all of her threads, the OP's current lifestyle causes her to drink half of her daily meager calories in wine and inappropriately display extremely dysfunctional self images of herself and negative self talk. She's coping with the stress of her lifestyle via alcohol, binge-restrict cycles, and living in denial about the power she has and how much control she has over the choices she makes every day.
Presumably because these threads advocated VLCD, they have been deleted, but they did exist, and this is a good summary of them.0 -
clgaram720 wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »Would you approve of your sons eating macaroni and cheese 4 nights a week? Or pizza rolls? Or any number of other easy-to-make-easy-to-eat meals that are awful for them?
I'm very fortunate. My daughter is leaning toward pollo vegetarianism. While she may eat a fair amount of macaroni and cheese, she also usually eats a large salad and some protein with it. She's a smart kid. She learns from other people's mistakes. )
I figured @ZeroDelta, I just wanted to make sure you knew that while i was offering a dissenting opinion, that it is in fact OPINION and I didn't want you to think it meant I was casting some kind of judgement on your family's way of doing things, cause that's totally not where I was coming from:) Thanks for being so cool about it
You guys are too civil! There's no fun to be had if nobody is getting all worked up!!!
It's hard to get worked up when the OP's self-imposed dilemma is so very sad (like, I mean heartbreaking, no snark) to see. It's like that scene in the motel room in Fight Club where he's like, wait. You? Me? Who? I'm the one who did all that?0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Just in case anyone doesn't read all of her threads, the OP's current lifestyle causes her to drink half of her daily meager calories in wine and inappropriately display extremely dysfunctional self images of herself and negative self talk. She's coping with the stress of her lifestyle via alcohol, binge-restrict cycles, and living in denial about the power she has and how much control she has over the choices she makes every day.
Presumably because these threads advocated VLCD, they have been deleted, but they did exist, and this is a good summary of them.
Just for the record I no longer drink half my daily calories in wine and perhaps I was avoiding things when I was and perhaps that is why I have been looking at things a little different.
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superhockeymom wrote: »Ok so just to give an example of how this works and why last night I just decided it needs to change. First off yes we are a crazy busy family so yes nights when we can eat a "normal" meal are rare but I am trying. Last night menu.
Steak tips
Rice pilaf
Corn
Cresant rolls
Cauliflower (me)
Apple sause
Time 7:45
Oldest and husband come in from practice 7:43 oldest needs shower ok but quick
Youngest not home yet still at girlfriends text him 2x call him finally answers he was sleeping. " mom please can you pick me up and bring me to Grammies to bring in her trash barrels". Ok so now I leave.
Husband and oldest son eat why not they are home and hungrey
Finally get home with youngest 8:25
He eats only steak ( not hungrey) husband in now watching Hockey game
Oldest son working on homework
Youngest goes to do his homework.
I look at steak tips don't really like them and everything is kinda cold so I cook a piece of fish, warm up rice, cauliflower and corn and a roll. Clean up kitchen now it is 9:30. So there is my frustration even days we could potentially eat together we can't and they all eat different things actually last night was better for that because we all mixed and matched.
My day starts at 4:15 because I have to get my kids to practice before school so by 9:30 I'm pretty much ready to relax/ sleep. Ok vented.
It has nothing to do with me wanting to have my family not see what I eat. My Dinner is always a great meal, filling well rounded. I could only hope they would learn to eat a dinner that.
I don't quite understand. This sounds like a well balanced meal. It's ONE meal you didn't have to cook two. Your family ate what they wanted whether they ate veggies or not. The only thing difference is you cooked some fish for yourself. So where's the problem?
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clgaram720 wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »
Think I will work on this it would be a huge help when I have to work late if they could do a little prep.
......................I'm sorry, did you just say you work? I was this WHOLE time thinking you were a StayAtHomeMom, because I honestly thought with the way you talk about your lifestyle (doing all the cooking/cleaning, which is fine, I'm a SAHM so obviously I do the home stuff) but you WORK and you're expected to do all that? Okay, now I'm a little incensed. Honey. I do all the cooking and cleaning because my husband goes out in the world and does the paid labor and brings money home with which to sustain us. When I had a job THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLOWN EVER. What universe are you living in that you are doing everything AND have a job??? That's not how this is supposed to work. That's not how anything works. No wonder your husband isn't being supportive, you aren't demanding equal responsibility in your marriage! And your sons see that mom does 100% of the SAHM work as well as having a paid job..... that's NOT a healthy set up for life. Sorry I know this is off the topic of food and health, but you have a serious iniquity in your relationship that needs to be resolved FIRST omg.... If I was working full time, hell I'm working two days a week for my mother in law in insurance and I expect my husband to help out with our son and house stuff, but full time? I'll be damned if I'm doing any more than 50% of anything working full time omg......
I work full time and do all the cooking and cleaning. People have different lifestyle/relationship choices. Just encase it wouldn't have worked for you, does not mean it doesn't work for others.
That's all well and good if it WORKS for you, but OP is here because it's NOT working. I mean a couple times her words have really rung like some deep seated resentment of the way they are doing things. If you are superwoman/man and have the time and energy to do it all, you are a unicorn among the rest of us, so huge kudos, but I think it's safe to say, specifically in her case as well as in a lot of cases, that having one person have a HUGE share of the labor of life and one have very little comparatively isn't healthy for the family dynamic.
There was absolutely no reason to be rude.
I didn't find that comment rude at all. I get what @clgaram720 is saying. I'm a busy working mother with kids in multiple activities and have a tendency to try to be superwoman and get everything done myself without asking for help. But when it comes down to it, I can't do it by myself. It is up to me to ask my husband for help, or adjust my expectations.
The fact that OP's husband sits on the couch to watch a game while she cooks, cleans, folds laundry etc doesn't make him a horrible, neglectful person. It makes him a normal man. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have had an argument like this: after dinner, my husband says, "I'll clean up" and I say, "Great!" then he goes to the living room to watch something on TV. I passive aggresssively start doing dishes and banging around in the kitchen to get his attention. He says, "I said I would do it, why are you doing the dishes" and I say, "because you AREN"T doing them" and he says, "I am not doing them NOW but they will get done. I want to sit on the couch for 20 minutes, or play with the kids, or whatever - I can do the dishes later, that doesn't mean you have to do them right now and then pout about it"
Does that make my husband a horrible person because he didn't do the dishes when I wanted them done? No. It makes my expectations a little unrealistic and if I want the dishes done right then, I can do them, but I shouldn't get bent out of shape about it... OR... I can say, "honey I would really prefer them to be done now, so that I can relax and not have to think about the pile of dishes in the kitchen - do you mind pausing the game so you can then fast forward through the commercials in 15 minutes when you're done with the dishes?"0 -
Liftng4Lis wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »I wish I started the eat what I cook a long time ago but at 15 and 13 oh and the worst 50 they expect what they like.
They are more than old enough to cook for themselves--especially your husband. If they don't like what you're making, they can either try to expand their horizons, learn to cook, or call for pizza.0 -
WinoGelato wrote: »He says, "I said I would do it, why are you doing the dishes" and I say, "because you AREN"T doing them" and he says, "I am not doing them NOW but they will get done. I want to sit on the couch for 20 minutes, or play with the kids, or whatever - I can do the dishes later, that doesn't mean you have to do them right now and then pout about it"
Does that make my husband a horrible person because he didn't do the dishes when I wanted them done? No. It makes my expectations a little unrealistic and if I want the dishes done right then, I can do them, but I shouldn't get bent out of shape about it... OR... I can say, "honey I would really prefer them to be done now, so that I can relax and not have to think about the pile of dishes in the kitchen - do you mind pausing the game so you can then fast forward through the commercials in 15 minutes when you're done with the dishes?"
This right here. You can see my kitchen from the living room (864sqft apartment) so I actively have to look at the mess the whole time I'm supposed to be relaxing so I totally get this!0 -
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clgaram720 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »
Think I will work on this it would be a huge help when I have to work late if they could do a little prep.
......................I'm sorry, did you just say you work? I was this WHOLE time thinking you were a StayAtHomeMom, because I honestly thought with the way you talk about your lifestyle (doing all the cooking/cleaning, which is fine, I'm a SAHM so obviously I do the home stuff) but you WORK and you're expected to do all that? Okay, now I'm a little incensed. Honey. I do all the cooking and cleaning because my husband goes out in the world and does the paid labor and brings money home with which to sustain us. When I had a job THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLOWN EVER. What universe are you living in that you are doing everything AND have a job??? That's not how this is supposed to work. That's not how anything works. No wonder your husband isn't being supportive, you aren't demanding equal responsibility in your marriage! And your sons see that mom does 100% of the SAHM work as well as having a paid job..... that's NOT a healthy set up for life. Sorry I know this is off the topic of food and health, but you have a serious iniquity in your relationship that needs to be resolved FIRST omg.... If I was working full time, hell I'm working two days a week for my mother in law in insurance and I expect my husband to help out with our son and house stuff, but full time? I'll be damned if I'm doing any more than 50% of anything working full time omg......
Co-signed.0 -
clgaram720 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »
Think I will work on this it would be a huge help when I have to work late if they could do a little prep.
......................I'm sorry, did you just say you work? I was this WHOLE time thinking you were a StayAtHomeMom, because I honestly thought with the way you talk about your lifestyle (doing all the cooking/cleaning, which is fine, I'm a SAHM so obviously I do the home stuff) but you WORK and you're expected to do all that? Okay, now I'm a little incensed. Honey. I do all the cooking and cleaning because my husband goes out in the world and does the paid labor and brings money home with which to sustain us. When I had a job THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLOWN EVER. What universe are you living in that you are doing everything AND have a job??? That's not how this is supposed to work. That's not how anything works. No wonder your husband isn't being supportive, you aren't demanding equal responsibility in your marriage! And your sons see that mom does 100% of the SAHM work as well as having a paid job..... that's NOT a healthy set up for life. Sorry I know this is off the topic of food and health, but you have a serious iniquity in your relationship that needs to be resolved FIRST omg.... If I was working full time, hell I'm working two days a week for my mother in law in insurance and I expect my husband to help out with our son and house stuff, but full time? I'll be damned if I'm doing any more than 50% of anything working full time omg......
Co-signed.
It's worse than that but that's not really what this thread is about right?0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Just in case anyone doesn't read all of her threads, the OP's current lifestyle causes her to drink half of her daily meager calories in wine and inappropriately display extremely dysfunctional self images of herself and negative self talk. She's coping with the stress of her lifestyle via alcohol, binge-restrict cycles, and living in denial about the power she has and how much control she has over the choices she makes every day.
Presumably because these threads advocated VLCD, they have been deleted, but they did exist, and this is a good summary of them.
Just for the record I no longer drink half my daily calories in wine and perhaps I was avoiding things when I was and perhaps that is why I have been looking at things a little different.
The "record"? As of Tuesday you mean?
I'm trying to be very in-your-face-realist with you, and I know it sounds harsh sometimes. But -- real talk -- you can hide reality/lie to yourself and your family about the effect your life is having on you and live your life any way you want. But I WILL call you out on contradictions.
The eating disorder is not "the problem." The drinking is not "the problem." You can fix the drinking and fix the amount of calories you eat, but you are still. not. fixing. the "problem."0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »clgaram720 wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »
Think I will work on this it would be a huge help when I have to work late if they could do a little prep.
......................I'm sorry, did you just say you work? I was this WHOLE time thinking you were a StayAtHomeMom, because I honestly thought with the way you talk about your lifestyle (doing all the cooking/cleaning, which is fine, I'm a SAHM so obviously I do the home stuff) but you WORK and you're expected to do all that? Okay, now I'm a little incensed. Honey. I do all the cooking and cleaning because my husband goes out in the world and does the paid labor and brings money home with which to sustain us. When I had a job THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLOWN EVER. What universe are you living in that you are doing everything AND have a job??? That's not how this is supposed to work. That's not how anything works. No wonder your husband isn't being supportive, you aren't demanding equal responsibility in your marriage! And your sons see that mom does 100% of the SAHM work as well as having a paid job..... that's NOT a healthy set up for life. Sorry I know this is off the topic of food and health, but you have a serious iniquity in your relationship that needs to be resolved FIRST omg.... If I was working full time, hell I'm working two days a week for my mother in law in insurance and I expect my husband to help out with our son and house stuff, but full time? I'll be damned if I'm doing any more than 50% of anything working full time omg......
Co-signed.
It's worse than that but that's not really what this thread is about right?
Most of the issues that you outlined in the beginning of this thread stem from this power equation. You're the one doing it all and getting no respect in return. So that comment was perfectly relevant. Your family needs to respect you. If you're the one cooking, you get to make most of the choices.0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »
It's worse than that but that's not really what this thread is about right?
Well, yes, on the one hand you were asking specifically about the mealtimes and stuff. And I get that, I really don't mean for this to become some much bigger and more intense thing. But I think, and I'm sure it's uncomfortable, that you have other issues that are causing the problem you came here to talk about. When someone is tryign to lose weight, we look into the cause of their weight gain, not just CICO, but also why they are eating so much extra. Like for me, eating was something I did to stave of boredom (I am NOT allowed to be bored ever, it's very bad for me). Some people eat to fulfill another need, like emotional issues or social isolation. It's important to find the underlying cause of the thing you're unhappy with, and replace what you're doing with better behaviors to satisfy that unmet need. So I just thought for you, this whole mealtime thing is really just a symptom of a larger problem about your feelings in your family dynamic.
Now, I'm just some stranger on the internet. I get that. Take anything you see here with a grain of salt. Obviously no one can truly know your life but you. Maybe do some meditation or some soul searching and find out why this smaller problem (symptom) is bothering you so much, and see if you can weed out if there is a greater problem at play(disease) that you need to prioritize that will make the symptom simply go away.0
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