Address the issue or let it die.

jljshoe1979

Two days ago, my husband made a comment that surprised me and now my over-analytical brain has really taken it to another level. We were watching TV on the couch, and a commercial with Beyoncé was playing. During that 30-60 sec commercial he was talking about her and the relationship she has with Jay Z. He said, "She is a beautiful woman." (really dragging out the word beautiful for emphasis that gets lost when typing the quote). He couldn't understand why beautiful, successful women get with guys that don't appear to be on their level (aka he doesn't think that Jay Z is in the same ballpark with Beyoncé when it comes to looks). The thing that has been really hard for me is how he could so easily say she is beautiful and in the 8+ years I've known him, not once has he ever called me beautiful or any other equivalent synonym. I've addressed this issue with him before trying to get a compliment, but it usually ends up in a fight or with me crying. I don't disagree that Beyoncé is beautiful, she works hard and her efforts show. What I don't get is why he can so easily say something so nice about someone else and not me - his wife. I don't think I'm ugly (most days), but sometimes I wonder if he does, which is why he doesn't say anything like that about me...I don't know if I should bring this up again with him or try to let it go (although, it has been two days, and I'm still in tears over it when I think about it).

Also, when I told him I had hit the 10 lb weight loss mark a few weeks ago, the only thing he said was "most of that is water weight." That comment really made me wonder if going to jail for hitting your spouse would be worth it. However, since I shared with him about my weight loss amount, he has brought food home twice for supper (without calling and it has been my favorite foods, but definitely not friendly to weight loss efforts). Folks, I've been married to him for over 4 years, and I can count the number of times he has brought supper home "so I don't have to cook" on one hand (two of those times have been in the last two weeks). Yesterday, out of the blue he called to meet for lunch (2nd time in 18 months). His restaurant choice was McDonald's so we could use a coupon...for Big Macs (my favorite fast food sandwich, which is why I don't set foot in a McDonald's). If he's being nice and his actions are based on pure motives then I don't want to make a big deal, but I think it is very, very coincidental that I am having success with getting healthier, share that knowledge with him, and he starts doing these things.

twinkychops

I've been with my hubby for over 16 years and I think they forget that we like to hear compliments, i get " But you know i think your pretty" but how do you know if they don't say it? Maybe he's feeling threatened by the weight loss and by buying you your fav foods he's keeping you the way you are so you won't leave him for a zippier model! lol

pastryari

Two days ago, my husband made a comment that surprised me and now my over-analytical brain has really taken it to another level. We were watching TV on the couch, and a commercial with Beyoncé was playing. During that 30-60 sec commercial he was talking about her and the relationship she has with Jay Z. He said, "She is a beautiful woman." (really dragging out the word beautiful for emphasis that gets lost when typing the quote). He couldn't understand why beautiful, successful women get with guys that don't appear to be on their level (aka he doesn't think that Jay Z is in the same ballpark with Beyoncé when it comes to looks). The thing that has been really hard for me is how he could so easily say she is beautiful and in the 8+ years I've known him, not once has he ever called me beautiful or any other equivalent synonym. I've addressed this issue with him before trying to get a compliment, but it usually ends up in a fight or with me crying. I don't disagree that Beyoncé is beautiful, she works hard and her efforts show. What I don't get is why he can so easily say something so nice about someone else and not me - his wife. I don't think I'm ugly (most days), but sometimes I wonder if he does, which is why he doesn't say anything like that about me...I don't know if I should bring this up again with him or try to let it go (although, it has been two days, and I'm still in tears over it when I think about it).

Also, when I told him I had hit the 10 lb weight loss mark a few weeks ago, the only thing he said was "most of that is water weight." That comment really made me wonder if going to jail for hitting your spouse would be worth it. However, since I shared with him about my weight loss amount, he has brought food home twice for supper (without calling and it has been my favorite foods, but definitely not friendly to weight loss efforts). Folks, I've been married to him for over 4 years, and I can count the number of times he has brought supper home "so I don't have to cook" on one hand (two of those times have been in the last two weeks). Yesterday, out of the blue he called to meet for lunch (2nd time in 18 months). His restaurant choice was McDonald's so we could use a coupon...for Big Macs (my favorite fast food sandwich, which is why I don't set foot in a McDonald's). If he's being nice and his actions are based on pure motives then I don't want to make a big deal, but I think it is very, very coincidental that I am having success with getting healthier, share that knowledge with him, and he starts doing these things.

If you're husband didn't find you attractive, chances are HE WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED YOU.


Also, maybe since this conversation happened about you feeling like he doesn't compliment you enough, he decided to I don't know....be nice? Why is it automatically food sabotage? You say it's all your favorite meals, seems to me he's just trying to be nicer.

Let it go.

Edit: typo

PlayerHatinDogooder

Oh yeah I would totally bring it up to him again.

Better yet do it with your divorce attorney in the room.

LaurenAOK

Address the issue. If you don't, it's just going to build up inside and you're going to end up bitter. The tension will definitely manifest itself in your relationship some way or another.

Also, tell your husband to get a clue. I'm sorry, but he's NEVER called you beautiful or anything like that? That's absurd. Why did he marry you if he doesn't think you're beautiful? (I know looks aren't everything, but most people would never marry someone they find truly unattractive. Normally even if you think someone is unattractive at first, as you fall in love with them you find them more and more beautiful).

It sounds like he's just stubborn and insecure. He doesn't want to tell you you're beautiful for some weird reason, and now he doesn't want you to lose weight. I think he's scared of you being attractive because he feels like he'll lose you.

suppakana

He doesn't understand why "beautiful women downgrade themselves" to go out with guys who "aren't in their ballpark"...

Maybe he's afraid that if you continue with your fitness, he'll be inadequate and you'll leave him

Don't forget, guys are as twisted up emotionally on the inside as the girls are - just tell him that you guys need to have a serious, open, honest talk. Worst case scenario, involve a counselor for a session or two, because these suspicions are going to begin eroding your relationship, even if they own up to nothing.

Step 1: admit to him that you're uncertain what's going on, and that it's making you sad/uncomfortable/miserable, and that you're beginning to doubt your relationship because of it.

UsedToBeHusky

Sounds like you are both pretty damn insecure. Get some marriage counseling.

ladynocturne

I would probably let the Beyonce thing go.
However, a lot of his other behavior would bring concern for me, personally.

I would write down all of the things and more you just posted that sure *look* like passive aggressive sabotage. I would then add specific questions about those events for him to answer for himself. I would re-read over everything and make sure I'm phrasing my questions and prepared topics in a non-aggressive, attacking way.

Tell him you need to sit down and talk to him about a few things that have really been bothering you lately, to the point where it's causing you distress daily. Present issues calmly, ask questions, and maybe he'll tell you that losing weight has made him feel insecure about your relationship. A LOT of magazines say that when a spouse or g/f lose weight, it means they met someone else and are cheating, which is absurd.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

my ex was the same way. He could tell me all day long how hot, sexy, pretty, gorgeous, beautiful every other woman on the planet was, except me. We had different love languages... if its all bothering you that much, talk to him. If you've talked to him about it before, chances are the outcome will be the same, so be prepared for that.

Swissmiss

My husband has never complemented me but he treat me well. Go by what he does more so than what he says.

socajam

Two days ago, my husband made a comment that surprised me and now my over-analytical brain has really taken it to another level. We were watching TV on the couch, and a commercial with Beyoncé was playing. During that 30-60 sec commercial he was talking about her and the relationship she has with Jay Z. He said, "She is a beautiful woman." (really dragging out the word beautiful for emphasis that gets lost when typing the quote). He couldn't understand why beautiful, successful women get with guys that don't appear to be on their level (aka he doesn't think that Jay Z is in the same ballpark with Beyoncé when it comes to looks). The thing that has been really hard for me is how he could so easily say she is beautiful and in the 8+ years I've known him, not once has he ever called me beautiful or any other equivalent synonym. I've addressed this issue with him before trying to get a compliment, but it usually ends up in a fight or with me crying. I don't disagree that Beyoncé is beautiful, she works hard and her efforts show. What I don't get is why he can so easily say something so nice about someone else and not me - his wife. I don't think I'm ugly (most days), but sometimes I wonder if he does, which is why he doesn't say anything like that about me...I don't know if I should bring this up again with him or try to let it go (although, it has been two days, and I'm still in tears over it when I think about it).

Also, when I told him I had hit the 10 lb weight loss mark a few weeks ago, the only thing he said was "most of that is water weight." That comment really made me wonder if going to jail for hitting your spouse would be worth it. However, since I shared with him about my weight loss amount, he has brought food home twice for supper (without calling and it has been my favorite foods, but definitely not friendly to weight loss efforts). Folks, I've been married to him for over 4 years, and I can count the number of times he has brought supper home "so I don't have to cook" on one hand (two of those times have been in the last two weeks). Yesterday, out of the blue he called to meet for lunch (2nd time in 18 months). His restaurant choice was McDonald's so we could use a coupon...for Big Macs (my favorite fast food sandwich, which is why I don't set foot in a McDonald's). If he's being nice and his actions are based on pure motives then I don't want to make a big deal, but I think it is very, very coincidental that I am having success with getting healthier, share that knowledge with him, and he starts doing these things.

Have your husband ever heard Beyonce speak. With all that money she needs to complete her GED and take some elocution lessons. Diana Ross was in the same situation as Beyonce, Diana realized in order for people to listen to her, she had to address her limited speaking and educations knowledge. And yes, one can have all the money in the world, but when one opens their mouth and garbage comes out, all the money means nothing.

Finally there is no difference between Beyonce and Jay-Z. I would rather spend my money on the likes of Shakira and others who are more conscious thinking individuals.

_Waffle_

I don't disagree that Beyoncé is beautiful, she works hard and her efforts show. What I don't get is why he can so easily say something so nice about someone else and not me - his wife. I don't think I'm ugly (most days), but sometimes I wonder if he does, which is why he doesn't say anything like that about me...I don't know if I should bring this up again with him or try to let it go (although, it has been two days, and I'm still in tears over it when I think about it).

You should definitely harbor ill feelings and let it fester until the point that you're wanting to cut the brake lines on his truck before he leaves for work. Whatever you do, don't talk to him about this or actually address the issue. Men can actually read a woman's mind and he'll totally get why you're sulking and moping around the house. I'm sure he knows exactly what he's doing that you don't like that you haven't told him about.

When this finally does come up, don't discuss it in a calm rational manner. Make sure and yell at him like he's a child and throw things at him. Tell him how much of a failure he is at making you feel beautiful. That will teach him to make an extended effort to get you to discuss your feelings in the future. If he doesn't make you feel beautiful then who can. I mean, that's his job and his responsibility right? There's no way you could feel beautiful and confident on your own without a man's help. That's crazy talk.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

If I had to guess, I'd say he knows you're upset and is trying to smooth things over with food. But the only one who knows is him, so you need to communicate. Try not to come at it in an accusatory way. Just be honest, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

rml_16

I rarely hear a compliment on my appearance from my SO. I think because we've been together so long. But he's with me, so I have to assume he thinks I'm attractive.

It sounds like you and your husband have some communication issues. I think maybe some counseling would help if trying to talk ends in arguments. An objective third party perspective can help people understand things better.

ItsCasey

Two days ago, my husband made a comment that surprised me and now my over-analytical brain has really taken it to another level. We were watching TV on the couch, and a commercial with Beyoncé was playing. During that 30-60 sec commercial he was talking about her and the relationship she has with Jay Z. He said, "She is a beautiful woman." (really dragging out the word beautiful for emphasis that gets lost when typing the quote). He couldn't understand why beautiful, successful women get with guys that don't appear to be on their level (aka he doesn't think that Jay Z is in the same ballpark with Beyoncé when it comes to looks). The thing that has been really hard for me is how he could so easily say she is beautiful and in the 8+ years I've known him, not once has he ever called me beautiful or any other equivalent synonym. I've addressed this issue with him before trying to get a compliment, but it usually ends up in a fight or with me crying. I don't disagree that Beyoncé is beautiful, she works hard and her efforts show. What I don't get is why he can so easily say something so nice about someone else and not me - his wife. I don't think I'm ugly (most days), but sometimes I wonder if he does, which is why he doesn't say anything like that about me...I don't know if I should bring this up again with him or try to let it go (although, it has been two days, and I'm still in tears over it when I think about it).

Also, when I told him I had hit the 10 lb weight loss mark a few weeks ago, the only thing he said was "most of that is water weight." That comment really made me wonder if going to jail for hitting your spouse would be worth it. However, since I shared with him about my weight loss amount, he has brought food home twice for supper (without calling and it has been my favorite foods, but definitely not friendly to weight loss efforts). Folks, I've been married to him for over 4 years, and I can count the number of times he has brought supper home "so I don't have to cook" on one hand (two of those times have been in the last two weeks). Yesterday, out of the blue he called to meet for lunch (2nd time in 18 months). His restaurant choice was McDonald's so we could use a coupon...for Big Macs (my favorite fast food sandwich, which is why I don't set foot in a McDonald's). If he's being nice and his actions are based on pure motives then I don't want to make a big deal, but I think it is very, very coincidental that I am having success with getting healthier, share that knowledge with him, and he starts doing these things.

I think you need to talk to your husband, and don't do it in an accusatory way. It is very likely (because men are simple creatures and do not analyze the hell out of absolutely everything, like women do) that he was just trying to be nice to you by bringing home something he knows you love for dinner. Just thank him for doing it, and if you'd prefer he get something else, then just ask for what you want. He can't read your mind.

As for the Beyonce comments, some men are pretty dense about that sort of thing. He can call her beautiful because he's trying to make a point about how she ended up with someone he doesn't think is good-looking. In his mind, it probably has nothing at all to do with YOUR looks. Do you ever tell him that he's handsome, that he looks nice, etc.? Maybe he doesn't realize how important verbal affirmation is to you.

sarajeanelles

I can't get past the part where you said that he has never called you beautiful or complimented you....how is that possible???? And the fact that when you bring it up it is such an issue that you end up fighting and he has still never said it, this is crazy. If he knows it bothers you that much (and it should, it would bother any woman) that he never compliments you, his WIFE, how could he continue to compliment other women in front of you. I don't get it.....

rml_16

I can't get past the part where you said that he has never called you beautiful or complimented you....how is that possible???? And the fact that when you bring it up it is such an issue that you end up fighting and he has still never said it, this is crazy. If he knows it bothers you that much (and it should, it would bother any woman) that he never compliments you, his WIFE, how could he continue to compliment other women in front of you. I don't get it.....

He's married to her. He thinks she's beautiful.

There is no emotional consequence for saying it about a stranger. Sometimes it's scary for some people to open up like that to the person closest to them. I have a much easier time being mushy with my best friend than with my BF or even my family.

SoDamnHungry

He's never told you you're beautiful in the eight years you've been together? Sounds kind of like you married an *kitten*. Talk to him, and like RML suggested, get counseling. I'd say maybe he doesn't understand how much it means to you, but if you end up in tears on a frequent basis, he's just a jerk. Or maybe he thinks he has to keep your confidence down or you'll leave him (if that's the case, he's pretty horrible).

Myhaloslipped

No offense, but I think your husband is being kind of a ****. If it upsets you and you express that to him, then that's all that matters. It doesn't matter if you are being "silly" in anyone's opinion, even your husband's. If it makes you feel bad, then it should bother him as well. That's love plain and simple. Seriously, how hard is it to say "You look pretty today honey" or "Way to go on losing the ten pounds." It's not like you're asking for the moon. We should all pick our battles in relationships, but I personally think that this is one that you should fight. Good luck!

PikaKnight

Just break up. If things are so bad you have to look for advice and sympathy from strangers online in a relationship issue that should be just between the two of you (or the two of you plus a marriage counselor)....I think it's time to rethink your situation. Just break up.

nilbogger

He doesn't understand why "beautiful women downgrade themselves" to go out with guys who "aren't in their ballpark"...

Maybe he's afraid that if you continue with your fitness, he'll be inadequate and you'll leave him

Don't forget, guys are as twisted up emotionally on the inside as the girls are - just tell him that you guys need to have a serious, open, honest talk. Worst case scenario, involve a counselor for a session or two, because these suspicions are going to begin eroding your relationship, even if they own up to nothing.

Step 1: admit to him that you're uncertain what's going on, and that it's making you sad/uncomfortable/miserable, and that you're beginning to doubt your relationship because of it.

This was my thought. He may be trying to sabtoage your weight loss so he doesn't end up as one of those guys with a woman who's "out of his league".

lithezebra

You can control yourself at McDonald's. Have your Big Mac. Just don't have fries, a sugary drink, or dessert.

I don't understand why your husband wouldn't compliment you. That seems foolish on his part.

blondageh

My husband is the same way. He never says I am beautiful or pretty unless I say something first. No complements ever. He is quick to point out if I am wearing something ugly though. Like something that might embarrassing him. I told him to make more money so I can buy same damn clothes last weekend if he is so embarrassed by my shorts I wore to the pool that had paint stains on them. Anyways, so I feel you on that.

As for the bringing food home, it is probably because you are dieting and not cooking like he is used to anymore. He is hungry. He wants to eat. I don't think he is trying to sabotage you.

Let it go. Please please don't cry over it anymore. You picked him. You will never change him. Just let it go and feel good about yourself, don't look to him to him for validation, you aren't going to get it if you never have in the past. ((Hugs)).

Oh and one thing I do even though I know I probably never will is when I am really pissed off, I think when I am all hot and skinny I am so leaving your monkey butt. (But I know I won't but it feels good to think it when you are really mad!)

sarajeanelles

I understand he's married to her but NEVER, that's bullcrap, I agree with the previous poster, this is him being a jerk and it's obviously bothering you and worth fighting for a change.

rml_16

I understand he's married to her but NEVER, that's bullcrap, I agree with the previous poster, this is him being a jerk and it's obviously bothering you and worth fighting for a change.

Good grief. He didn't call her names or punch her in the face. We have exactly one side to this story and I'm betting there's a little more to it.

hsmaldo

He doesn't understand why "beautiful women downgrade themselves" to go out with guys who "aren't in their ballpark"...

Maybe he's afraid that if you continue with your fitness, he'll be inadequate and you'll leave him

Don't forget, guys are as twisted up emotionally on the inside as the girls are - just tell him that you guys need to have a serious, open, honest talk. Worst case scenario, involve a counselor for a session or two, because these suspicions are going to begin eroding your relationship, even if they own up to nothing.

I was thinking this exactly!

I would let the Beyoncé thing go....she doesn't need to be a part of this. I think there are some deeper insecurity issues though that need to be addressed though, either directly or indirectly...depending on what you're comfortable with.

Compliments are a wonderful thing and we ALL like getting them. When's the last time you let your hubby know that you still find him attractive/handsome or that you're proud of him for his accomplishments? Maybe try that (sincerely) for a little while and see how he reacts...and go from there.

sweetpea03b

OK - you definately have to have a real conversation about this. My husband and I had a long conversation about my plans to get healthier and what that means for him. I told him (basically) either you're on the bandwagon or you're not. If you're not... this relationship isn't going to work. This IS going to be how I live my life... healthier food choices and fitness... its going to be in my life forever.... so I need you to support me. I read an article that said 75% of the time if one spouse is trying to lose weight/get fit... if they do it without the support of their spouse 1 of 2 things happens 1) the relationship fails 2) the weightloss fails.

You need to set rules... ours are 1) no fast food/going out to eat 2) no junk food in the house (except for special occasions 3) don't keep me from my workouts 4) don't complain about the healthier meals/swaps I make.

We also talked about the self esteem issue and how that puts a large strain on our relationship. My husband has made a point to tell me very regularly since then how great he thinks I'm doing... that i'm looking more toned.... etc. Whether or not he thinks I really look thinner or he's just saying it I don't know but it doesn't matter... its nice to hear.

Everyone deserves to feel loved and to be complimented.... men just don't realize how much we need to HEAR it.

Myhaloslipped

My husband is the same way. He never says I am beautiful or pretty unless I say something first. No complements ever. He is quick to point out if I am wearing something ugly though. Like something that might embarrassing him. I told him to make more money so I can buy same damn clothes last weekend if he is so embarrassed by my shorts I wore to the pool that had paint stains on them. Anyways, so I feel you on that.

As for the bringing food home, it is probably because you are dieting and not cooking like he is used to anymore. He is hungry. He wants to eat. I don't think he is trying to sabotage you.

Let it go. Please please don't cry over it anymore. You picked him. You will never change him. Just let it go and feel good about yourself, don't look to him to him for validation, you aren't going to get it if you never have in the past. ((Hugs)).

Oh and one thing I do even though I know I probably never will is when I am really pissed off, I think when I am all hot and skinny I am so leaving your monkey butt. (But I know I won't but it feels good to think it when you are really mad!)

That's so crazy to me because judging solely from your profile picture, you are freaking hot! What is wrong with these men?

NikkiSixGuns

I agree with the posters that have said that the food thing is probably his way of being nice. That would certainly explain the "coincidence" of his sudden behavior change. If you really think he'd go out of his way to sabotage you, then you've got bigger issues. People don't sabotage the ones they love. Your suspicion that he would intentionally hurt someone he loves says a lot about your relationship and how you think of him.

As to the comment about water weight, I think men are just very logical and fact-oriented, so I doubt he meant any hurt when he said it.

Not complimenting you may or may not be an issue. Does he compliment other women in his life (like his mom, sister, friends) directly, or only to others when the women are not around?

Personally, I'd let it go. At the very least, wait until you're not emotional about it so you can have a rational conversation. In my experience, men get defensive when approached by an emotional woman...

DavPul

pinkpatron

I'm sorry your man isn't as supportive as you wish he was. My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years, any time I tell him ive lost just a lb, he gets excited and always says great job. Is your husband in great physical shape or could he use some gym time too? Try working out together so he knows how much this means to you. Or, one night at dinner just tell him you wish he was more supportive.