Address the issue or let it die.

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24

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  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    You can control yourself at McDonald's. Have your Big Mac. Just don't have fries, a sugary drink, or dessert.

    I don't understand why your husband wouldn't compliment you. That seems foolish on his part.
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
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    My husband is the same way. He never says I am beautiful or pretty unless I say something first. No complements ever. He is quick to point out if I am wearing something ugly though. Like something that might embarrassing him. I told him to make more money so I can buy same damn clothes last weekend if he is so embarrassed by my shorts I wore to the pool that had paint stains on them. Anyways, so I feel you on that.

    As for the bringing food home, it is probably because you are dieting and not cooking like he is used to anymore. He is hungry. He wants to eat. I don't think he is trying to sabotage you.

    Let it go. Please please don't cry over it anymore. You picked him. You will never change him. Just let it go and feel good about yourself, don't look to him to him for validation, you aren't going to get it if you never have in the past. ((Hugs)).

    Oh and one thing I do even though I know I probably never will is when I am really pissed off, I think when I am all hot and skinny I am so leaving your monkey butt. (But I know I won't but it feels good to think it when you are really mad!)
  • sarajeanelles
    sarajeanelles Posts: 55 Member
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    I understand he's married to her but NEVER, that's bullcrap, I agree with the previous poster, this is him being a jerk and it's obviously bothering you and worth fighting for a change.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I understand he's married to her but NEVER, that's bullcrap, I agree with the previous poster, this is him being a jerk and it's obviously bothering you and worth fighting for a change.
    Good grief. He didn't call her names or punch her in the face. We have exactly one side to this story and I'm betting there's a little more to it.
  • hsmaldo
    hsmaldo Posts: 115 Member
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    He doesn't understand why "beautiful women downgrade themselves" to go out with guys who "aren't in their ballpark"...

    Maybe he's afraid that if you continue with your fitness, he'll be inadequate and you'll leave him

    Don't forget, guys are as twisted up emotionally on the inside as the girls are - just tell him that you guys need to have a serious, open, honest talk. Worst case scenario, involve a counselor for a session or two, because these suspicions are going to begin eroding your relationship, even if they own up to nothing.

    I was thinking this exactly!

    I would let the Beyoncé thing go....she doesn't need to be a part of this. :wink: I think there are some deeper insecurity issues though that need to be addressed though, either directly or indirectly...depending on what you're comfortable with.

    Compliments are a wonderful thing and we ALL like getting them. When's the last time you let your hubby know that you still find him attractive/handsome or that you're proud of him for his accomplishments? Maybe try that (sincerely) for a little while and see how he reacts...and go from there.
  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,124 Member
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    OK - you definately have to have a real conversation about this. My husband and I had a long conversation about my plans to get healthier and what that means for him. I told him (basically) either you're on the bandwagon or you're not. If you're not... this relationship isn't going to work. This IS going to be how I live my life... healthier food choices and fitness... its going to be in my life forever.... so I need you to support me. I read an article that said 75% of the time if one spouse is trying to lose weight/get fit... if they do it without the support of their spouse 1 of 2 things happens 1) the relationship fails 2) the weightloss fails.

    You need to set rules... ours are 1) no fast food/going out to eat 2) no junk food in the house (except for special occasions 3) don't keep me from my workouts 4) don't complain about the healthier meals/swaps I make.

    We also talked about the self esteem issue and how that puts a large strain on our relationship. My husband has made a point to tell me very regularly since then how great he thinks I'm doing... that i'm looking more toned.... etc. Whether or not he thinks I really look thinner or he's just saying it I don't know but it doesn't matter... its nice to hear.

    Everyone deserves to feel loved and to be complimented.... men just don't realize how much we need to HEAR it.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    My husband is the same way. He never says I am beautiful or pretty unless I say something first. No complements ever. He is quick to point out if I am wearing something ugly though. Like something that might embarrassing him. I told him to make more money so I can buy same damn clothes last weekend if he is so embarrassed by my shorts I wore to the pool that had paint stains on them. Anyways, so I feel you on that.

    As for the bringing food home, it is probably because you are dieting and not cooking like he is used to anymore. He is hungry. He wants to eat. I don't think he is trying to sabotage you.

    Let it go. Please please don't cry over it anymore. You picked him. You will never change him. Just let it go and feel good about yourself, don't look to him to him for validation, you aren't going to get it if you never have in the past. ((Hugs)).

    Oh and one thing I do even though I know I probably never will is when I am really pissed off, I think when I am all hot and skinny I am so leaving your monkey butt. (But I know I won't but it feels good to think it when you are really mad!)

    That's so crazy to me because judging solely from your profile picture, you are freaking hot! What is wrong with these men?
  • NikkiSixGuns
    NikkiSixGuns Posts: 630 Member
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    I agree with the posters that have said that the food thing is probably his way of being nice. That would certainly explain the "coincidence" of his sudden behavior change. If you really think he'd go out of his way to sabotage you, then you've got bigger issues. People don't sabotage the ones they love. Your suspicion that he would intentionally hurt someone he loves says a lot about your relationship and how you think of him.

    As to the comment about water weight, I think men are just very logical and fact-oriented, so I doubt he meant any hurt when he said it.

    Not complimenting you may or may not be an issue. Does he compliment other women in his life (like his mom, sister, friends) directly, or only to others when the women are not around?

    Personally, I'd let it go. At the very least, wait until you're not emotional about it so you can have a rational conversation. In my experience, men get defensive when approached by an emotional woman...
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    beastie-boys-sabotage-o.gif
  • pinkpatron
    pinkpatron Posts: 154
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    I'm sorry your man isn't as supportive as you wish he was. My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years, any time I tell him ive lost just a lb, he gets excited and always says great job. Is your husband in great physical shape or could he use some gym time too? Try working out together so he knows how much this means to you. Or, one night at dinner just tell him you wish he was more supportive.
  • aNewYear123
    aNewYear123 Posts: 279 Member
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    1 - Let the comments go. You were with him for 4 years before you married him so you know what he is like, why are you expecting them now? He probably just expresses himself differently than you want him to.

    2 - The food could easily be two reasons. If you have changed how you are cooking then you have changed how he is eating as well. He wants the old style of food. OR he could (subconsciously) be concerned that your new health and fitness look will cause him to lose you and he wants to prevent that because he loves you.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    In for the man bashing
  • jljshoe1979
    jljshoe1979 Posts: 325 Member
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    I don't think I'm any more insecure than the average person/female. Like I said in the original post, I don't think I'm ugly (most days). Before we got married, I was accepting (most of the time) that he doesn't compliment...the parts that I'm trying to deal with is how easily he can compliment others (usually famous people) and how when he has a chance to say something nice (ie my weight loss) he chooses to take the time to say something negative. I know words like never and always are exaggeratory words, but I promise there has never been any time I've gotten a compliment or positive affirmation from him without me bringing it up and us fighting about it. At one time, I did point out to him using the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES book how much I do need words of encouragement to feel love. He thought it was hokey and/or silly and a fight ensued. I do compliment him, especially when he is nervous (like going to a job interview).

    As far as changing the food we eat, I don't eat food that doesn't taste good. I cook many different things, and I just watch my portions (on a side note, he has made snorting noises on more than one occasion when he sees me pull out the scale to weigh stuff). I will try new things on occasion, but I try to get his okay for every meal before the food is bought and prepared.

    I appreciate the posters who pointed out that maybe he thinks he will be out of my league if I keep losing weight...that is something I have not thought about before, and it actually makes a lot of sense.

    I haven't said or showed (passive-aggressively or otherwise) my frustration/pain over these recent events because if I do address it, I don't want to fight about it. Based on past experiences I am afraid that is where it will go. I chose to share this problem on MFP because I don't have any RL family or friends on here, and this way I feel I can get some objective opinions without others in our life knowing any of this.
  • philleah
    philleah Posts: 34 Member
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    He is obviously attracted to you otherwise I am sure he wouldn't have married you. In all honesty, I think you need to find your own self confidence rather than relying on your husband to make you feel beautiful :) I know, everyone likes to hear a compliment once in a while, but if he knows you are waiting or expecting a compliment, he is probably resistant to giving you one.

    My fiancé could definitely use some tune-ups in our relationship in many areas, and I'm sure he would say the same thing about me!! :)
  • kiwiwizard
    kiwiwizard Posts: 59 Member
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    I'm sorry you're so unhappy. It sounds like these are the same issues that come up time after time and still have no resolution. I recommend you consider couples councilling to enhance each others awareness of trigger issues and how to work around them and/or thru them. Perhaps he will finally understand how very deeply these issues affect you and you will come to more of an awareness of why they set you off so much. I hope you find your resolution and do not let these issues continue to roller-coaster your emotions and stress levels. Take care.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,775 Member
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    Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
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    Sometimes guys don't really understand. Sometimes they do. But it's quite possible that:

    1) He noticed Beyonce was A LOT more attractive than Jay Z and, blurted out his opinion on the matter;
    2) He appreciates his wife's success with weight loss, but knows that initial losses are generally water-based. So he blurted out his opinion on the matter;
    3) He noticed his wife was upset, and had no idea why, so he tried to be nice by buying her food - because he thinks food is great; and
    4) He has no idea that anything he's doing is wrong.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    If you are able to let it go, then do so. If you aren't, then you need to talk to him.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
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    Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?

    Damn! Buuurrrnnn!! lol
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    He's never told you you're beautiful in the eight years you've been together? Sounds kind of like you married an *kitten*. Talk to him, and like RML suggested, get counseling. I'd say maybe he doesn't understand how much it means to you, but if you end up in tears on a frequent basis, he's just a jerk. Or maybe he thinks he has to keep your confidence down or you'll leave him (if that's the case, he's pretty horrible).
    I kind of have to agree here...and am sad to see other people saying they've never gotten complimented by their spouses either.

    It really should go both ways too...I've been with my husband 7 years, and even though guys certainly don't need to hear 'you're beautiful", I make a point to notice/compliment a haircut, or tell him when he looks good in somehting he's wearing. A lot of people let those little thing get away from them in a marriage, but a compliment here and there can go a long way. I think its imporant to know that your S.O. finds you attractive still...

    OP, maybe you could try throwing him a compliment when he looks nice and see if that helps him open up more?

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