Address the issue or let it die.

jetlag

A lot of guys just can't talk about their feelings, it's just that simple. He can talk about a celeb on the telly because she's not "real" to him, which is also why people can say awful, awful things about celebrities on the internet, as though they're not human beings with feelings. He loves you, that's why he married you, but if he can't talk about his feelings, then don't make him. It won't resolve anything.

I have to agree with the other posters on here who think he's worried as hell that you're going to slim down and leave him. I would start with reassuring him before expecting him to reassure you. I also think that by bringing home dinner and taking you out to lunch, he's trying to be nice and show you he thinks about you. He's just not very understanding of where your head is, right now and I'm VERY sure that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way you were before, so doesn't understand why you're doing what you are. How about you suggest taking HIM out to lunch, but choose somewhere healthier? Over lunch, explain to him how losing weight is making you feel and what benefits you think it will have for both of you. Ensure you include him in your hopes for the future. Don't lay any responsibility on him (I can't do this without you, you're making it hard for me...), but explain how you think it is a positive thing for your relationship and how he can help you, if he wants to, but most importantly, that it will never for one second change how you feel about him.

And ignore the water weight thing; I used to be a software developer and my nephew showed me a very cool program he wrote for college. The first thing out of my mouth was about a spelling mistake he'd made. I wanted to kick myself in the head right then and there, but I had only wanted to be constructive because it was going to be graded, when in fact I was just an utter waste of oxygen. I'm sure your husband thought he was saying something useful and it came out wrong.

Please don't despair; change in the balance of relationship is always going to be a little hard for both people, particularly when one of them isn't changing (or doesn't even see the need for change, which is the root of the problem, I think).

cnave99

I don't know your husband so guessing if he feels insecure about your weightloss would be assumption and incorrect.

However based on what you posted here is some advice from one happily married woman to another. If you want a compliment? ASK for one. He is not a mind reader and its not his job to make you feel good. Thats your job. So start googling 'self care' and read a few blogs on what you can do to empower yourself.

The comment he made about B... well, thats pretty normal human behavior. I'm not sure I've met anyone, ever, male or female that didn't agree she is smoking hot! Thats sort of how she makes her money. LOL!

I hate when people say guys just don't know how to act or be supportive. They do if you give them a chance! Tell him what you need and give him a chance to help you. You're on the same team you know!

Anyway, I hope you are doing much better since you wrote this and that he has found a clue. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You like him enough to marry him, just remember that. Good luck!

lithezebra

Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?

When you put it that way - both.

Resolve the insecurity issue and there won't be a lack of support issue. Because you won't need his support to validate your self worth, beauty, accomplishments or abilities.

That isn't why anyone I know gets married, to be worthy, beautiful, able, accomplished, and unappreciated by one's spouse.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?

When you put it that way - both.

Resolve the insecurity issue and there won't be a lack of support issue. Because you won't need his support to validate your self worth, beauty, accomplishments or abilities.

That isn't why anyone I know gets married, to be worthy, beautiful, able, accomplished, and unappreciated by one's spouse.

Well to be fair, we don't know that he doesn't appreciate her. Just that he doesn't tell her she's beautiful. He may show his appreciation in other ways and he's just not so good at verbalizing.

zytah

t doesn't really bother me when my husband talks about how hot a female celebrity is. I usually agree with him. He doesn't lack compliments for me either. It has seemed to me though, that when I talk about what male celebrity I think is hot with my girlfriends (Dwayne Johnson, Terry Crews, Daniel Fuerrigel to name a few :blushing: ) he tends to make less comments about his hot celeb ladies.

jljshoe1979

I don't know your husband so guessing if he feels insecure about your weightloss would be assumption and incorrect.

However based on what you posted here is some advice from one happily married woman to another. If you want a compliment? ASK for one. He is not a mind reader and its not his job to make you feel good. Thats your job. So start googling 'self care' and read a few blogs on what you can do to empower yourself.

The comment he made about B... well, thats pretty normal human behavior. I'm not sure I've met anyone, ever, male or female that didn't agree she is smoking hot! Thats sort of how she makes her money. LOL!

I hate when people say guys just don't know how to act or be supportive. They do if you give them a chance! Tell him what you need and give him a chance to help you. You're on the same team you know!

Anyway, I hope you are doing much better since you wrote this and that he has found a clue. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You like him enough to marry him, just remember that. Good luck!

Thanks, I am doing better (bigger, more important things going on in my life anyway)...I do want to make it clear that I USED to ask for compliments (because I thought giving them was something people did when they liked each other), but haven't done so in a few years. I also thought that if I told him I needed to be complimented from time to time he would do it. That's where I was wrong. A couple of things he said to me during different discussions include:
["Do you want me to lie to you and tell you look nice, if you don't?" I said, "Of course, not, but I do want you to tell me when I do." Since that conversation - no compliments (have been several "that's what you're wearing" and similar statements)...this kind of on going attitude is where some of the self-doubt comes from for me. If he wasn't verbal at all, I could accept that he's not verbal, but because he takes the time to say negative "truthful" comments, but not positive ones gets makes me wonder about him not being able to verbalize.]
["If you tell me to compliment you then it's like nagging"...whereas, I see it more as a reminder - that never works.]

jljshoe1979

t doesn't really bother me when my husband talks about how hot a female celebrity is. I usually agree with him. He doesn't lack compliments for me either. It has seemed to me though, that when I talk about what male celebrity I think is hot with my girlfriends (Dwayne Johnson, Terry Crews, Daniel Fuerrigel to name a few :blushing: ) he tends to make less comments about his hot celeb ladies.

I agreed with him (and you), my bigger/deeper problem is how he can do it for others (not just celebrities) and not to/for me. That's what I want to know when situations like this happens.

jljshoe1979

t doesn't really bother me when my husband talks about how hot a female celebrity is. I usually agree with him. He doesn't lack compliments for me either. It has seemed to me though, that when I talk about what male celebrity I think is hot with my girlfriends (Dwayne Johnson, Terry Crews, Daniel Fuerrigel to name a few :blushing: ) he tends to make less comments about his hot celeb ladies.

I agreed with him (and you), my bigger/deeper problem is how he can do it for others (not just celebrities) and not to/for me. That's what I want to know when situations like this happens.

just for clarification - "others" are people we see out and about like at the mall or in a restaurant, not typically to people's faces.

jljshoe1979

Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?

When you put it that way - both.

Resolve the insecurity issue and there won't be a lack of support issue. Because you won't need his support to validate your self worth, beauty, accomplishments or abilities.

That isn't why anyone I know gets married, to be worthy, beautiful, able, accomplished, and unappreciated by one's spouse.

Well to be fair, we don't know that he doesn't appreciate her. Just that he doesn't tell her she's beautiful. He may show his appreciation in other ways and he's just not so good at verbalizing.

The way I feel...let me repeat that the way I feel is that he appreciates me like I'm some sort of responsible roommate who pays her half of the bills, a decent enough free maid, or easy to hang with bro. He is my best friend, but as a woman (as his woman) he doesn't take it to the level I need him too every once in a while. After posting this on MFP the other day, I have been wondering if lately he does feel some sort of non-verbalized insecurity that I'm going to leave him if I keep losing weight. That logic makes sense with several things, but I think if I don't address it in just the right way he will either deny it or smirk at me or not want to talk about it.

VBnotbitter

OP there are a couple of things I've picked up from you through this thread. You mention you've had cancer, how supportive was your husband through your treatment? Did it frighten him? Often when faced with a scare like this men will retreat afterwards and don't like to be reminded of being scared. Could he be associating your current bid to loose weight and get healthier with the cancer and is trying to ignore it?

Also please don't take this as an offence but you do seem to have some self esteem issues - you say you lack any family or friend support structure and you say you tend to over analyse things. I would work on trying a bit of self love, tell yourself you are beautiful etc rather than projecting everything onto your husband and marriage. When you are looking at it from a stronger internal landscape your marriage may not look so black, and if it does then you will have the strength to act on it.

I honestly don't know many "blokey" type of men who go in for compliments to their wives or deep meaningful chats but it doesn't mean they don't love. You seem interested in self help books and programmes but obviously he isn't and if he associates your desire to talk with these programmes he is definitely going to back off.

Let the Beyonce thing go, work on your own self esteem and then take it from there. All the best

jljshoe1979

OP there are a couple of things I've picked up from you through this thread. You mention you've had cancer, how supportive was your husband through your treatment? Did it frighten him? Often when faced with a scare like this men will retreat afterwards and don't like to be reminded of being scared. Could he be associating your current bid to loose weight and get healthier with the cancer and is trying to ignore it?

Also please don't take this as an offence but you do seem to have some self esteem issues - you say you lack any family or friend support structure and you say you tend to over analyse things. I would work on trying a bit of self love, tell yourself you are beautiful etc rather than projecting everything onto your husband and marriage. When you are looking at it from a stronger internal landscape your marriage may not look so black, and if it does then you will have the strength to act on it.

I honestly don't know many "blokey" type of men who go in for compliments to their wives or deep meaningful chats but it doesn't mean they don't love. You seem interested in self help books and programmes but obviously he isn't and if he associates your desire to talk with these programmes he is definitely going to back off.

Let the Beyonce thing go, work on your own self esteem and then take it from there. All the best

I'm not offended. :-) He was supportive. Thanks for the self-esteem advice - it is something I've been working on because I do want to be the best me possible. Like a said, I don't think I'm ugly (most of the time), so I think that's a pretty average view of myself.

ninerbuff

Old saying: "If people treated their friends like their spouses, they wouldn't have many friends".

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