Spouse does not want me to lose weight.. any of you in same boat?

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  • Ilikechips2
    Ilikechips2 Posts: 7 Member
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    CalorieCountChocula wrote: »
    I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

    love this lol
  • Suzanne106
    Suzanne106 Posts: 149 Member
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    You should ask him why he feels that way. Maybe he feels out of shape and overweight and doesn't want to be alone in his thoughts (misery loves company) or perhaps he just truly loves how you look. With that said, I would tell him that I respect your opinion but I am unhappy with how I feel and need to do something about it, can you please support me? then instead of talking about it, just do it.
  • Rachel0778
    Rachel0778 Posts: 1,701 Member
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    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    That's when therapy steps in to discuss the body/sex issues. OP, I agree with many of the posters above that you need to take care of you and the body you're in. I doubt your body change will cause that much strife though. 20 pounds is not a massively drastic change in appearance like losing 50+ pounds would be so it's likely your spouse will just go with the flow.
  • cassieknights951
    cassieknights951 Posts: 48 Member
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    My husband hasn't said he doesn't want me to lose weight however he isn't exactly being supportive either! He'll eat crap in front of me, buy my fav treats and put in fridge just to tempt me - it hasn't so far - not sure if he's testing me or if he genuinely wants me to fail.
    I haven't mentioned it because I know he's expecting me to make a big deal of out it
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
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    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Okay, so she should be uncomfortable in her own skin just so he finds her attractive?

    Screw that.
  • carmkizzle
    carmkizzle Posts: 211 Member
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    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    If she wants to lose a few pounds to feel better about HERSELF (it has nothing to do with anyone else), then, as harsh as it may sound, his opinion shouldn't matter. If she were super skinny, I'd understand him not wanting her to lose weight. What if she begins to resent him because she chose not to do something for herself just to please him, and they end up with issues because of that? And if the things you listed above do happen after she has met her desired weight, I would think that there were underlying issues to begin with.

    If he truly loves her now, he'll love her a few pounds lighter, as well.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,906 Member
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    cassieknights951 wrote: »
    My husband hasn't said he doesn't want me to lose weight however he isn't exactly being supportive either! He'll eat crap in front of me, buy my fav treats and put in fridge just to tempt me - it hasn't so far - not sure if he's testing me or if he genuinely wants me to fail.
    I haven't mentioned it because I know he's expecting me to make a big deal of out it

    He's probably just being habitual rather than doing this on purpose.
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
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    I_Will_End_You wrote: »
    dubird wrote: »
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart.

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Which is why it's important to find out WHY he doesn't want her to lose weight. If it really is because he won't find her sexy at a lower weight, they need to sit down and talk this out. In the end, it's OP's decision to lose weight, not his, and if he can't support her wish to be healthier, there's bigger problems then just not wanting her to lose weight.

    There are also bigger problems if 20lbs is that much of a deal breaker in relationship.

    Yep. I completely understand that attraction changes when appearance changes for most people, but we're not talking 100 lbs here, it's 20 lbs of essentially vanity weight and it's not going to be a huge change. If that's enough to ruin attraction then it was probably pretty tenuous.

    For the record, my husband prefers me 20-25 lbs heavier than I am now, but he loves me and finds me attractive at my lower weight too. It's just that he now loves my hipbones and small waist and runner's backside instead of my disproportionately large bust and round hips, you know? He found different things about my body that he loves when the old ones got smaller. I also agreed that he can buy me a couple cup sizes in a few years if he misses them that much, haha.
  • chunky_pinup
    chunky_pinup Posts: 758 Member
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    Well I guess it's a good thing that our husbands only have control over us if we allow them to! Not his choice. Plain and simple.
  • JodehFoster
    JodehFoster Posts: 419 Member
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    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    if this is the case...it's a sh*tty relationship & has no substance to begin w/.

    but...
    CalorieCountChocula wrote: »
    I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

    I suspect the same.




    who knows the whole story anyway. yay speculation!
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    Perhaps he does not want to deal with changes. Are you talking about what you are doing differently?
  • Ibeachlover
    Ibeachlover Posts: 66 Member
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    My spouse doesn't discourage me, but seems to enjoy pointing out my "bad" days :-) . I noticed she is complaining more about her weight gain, so maybe by-product of me getting in shape. She also has a much higher "likable" weight for me than I am shooting for...she said I won't look good at my target weight. I work out so I won't look whimpy by any stretch. Oh well, I do what I do when it comes to my body, so guess we'll see how it goes.
  • acarmon55
    acarmon55 Posts: 135 Member
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    I understand. My husband doesn't 100% support either. I get eye rolls and "I guess your going to run" (insert sarcasm). My husband wants to lose some weight and I think it is the fact I have will power and the want to and all he does is talk about it. He tells me the same...that I look good how I am (but I wouldn't want to hear anything else). I have learned to continue with my goals around him and his sarcasm by doing it all when he is not around and like another post stated, eat the same as him but a whole lot less.
  • coloradolaura
    coloradolaura Posts: 21 Member
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    Maybe your person is disinterested in the dieting portion? Maybe he's concerned that the volume of preferred food types will shift to primarily salad and tea. Maybe he's worried that he'll feel pressured to also diet and exercise and change, and he's not interested in that. Maybe he's seen too many women become obsessive about their bodies and he doesn't want you to walk down that path.

    I'm not here changing my body for my person. My person says I am beautiful as is and I don't need to change for him. When I told him I wanted to lose weight to improve my athletic performance and health, he said he supported me whole heartedly because then he was able to understand my motivations were appropriate.

    I suggest you have that dialogue with your spouse. There's a drastic difference between him not being a cheerleader (not supporting you) and him actually trying to prevent you from following your path toward a lighter weight.
  • Jruzer
    Jruzer Posts: 3,501 Member
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    Ya know, when I started losing weight I had a specific goal in mind. When I hit it, Mrs Jruzer didn't like the way I looked. She said I looked gaunt. She preferred that I be a bit heavier - not a lot, about 5-10 lbs.

    She had an opinion about how I looked and how I lived my life. That's her prerogative, and since she is my wife I valued her thoughts. We discussed it openly and honestly, and in the end I agreed with her.

    When you're married there really shouldn't be a lot about you that is "off limits" to your spouse. It doesn't mean that they "own" you or "control" you. They shouldn't have the final say in how you live your life or how you look, but it seems naive to me to say that their opinion is irrelevant.
  • squeaktones
    squeaktones Posts: 195 Member
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    My boyfriend didn't want me loosing weight either. He is a big man and thought that if I lost weight that I would leave him. When I asked him to loose weight with me he gained 30 pounds. Ate himself right into diabetes. Now we are both doing the mpf thing. Is your husband a big man too? Do yall have children? Maybe you could gear weight loss to him more as a healthy life style than weight loss. Show him some of your recipes. Ask his input on the meal planning. If you have children tell him you just want to be healthy so that you are around for them and for any future children they may have. Tell him how being over weight makes you feel. Ask him to go for a walk with you or talk about it in the car while you are on a drive somewhere. That's where my boyfriend and I do the most talking. He is trapped in the car and can't go to another room. Stick to your healthy eating and exercise. Ask him to part of it. Marriage is about compromise and lifting the other up when the other is down. You know that already. Maybe he just needs a gentle reminder.
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,521 Member
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    My husband prefers "larger" ladies. I was probably a full size 10 when we met, which was in the smaller size for his personal preference. I'm a size 2/4 now. Luckily, he has discovered he also like small women with visible muscles.

    Do what you want, and he'll likely get on board.
  • Soccermavrick
    Soccermavrick Posts: 405 Member
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    While in the perfect world both spouses would want to do it together, I think that more likely than not it does not happen that way. I support my wife where she is, but if she told me tomorrow that she wanted to drop 40 I would not stand in her way.

    But I have gotten caught once or twice where she wants to lose, joins a gym takes about it for a week or so, then for one reason or another (stress) throws the plan out the window, I end up putting my foot in my mouth by saying what are you doing with cookies, I thought you wanted... Yeah that is a TRAP. She might say it, but until she does it, accept her as she is.

    But unless he is purposely bringing home unhealthy food, or preventing you from exercise, is he standing in your way, or possibly just not supporting you in the way you expected?? It can be a hard line to dance.
  • feisty_bucket
    feisty_bucket Posts: 1,047 Member
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    CalorieCountChocula wrote: »
    I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

    I'd put money on that too.

    These threads come up about daily, yes? Seems like the common consensus is that the other (usually overweight) partner is
    1. scared of losing OP to a more-fit competitor
    2. scared of being pressured to change

    I doubt there are very many actual "chubby chasers" out there that really prefer their partner being overweight, no matter what they may claim.

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