Spouse does not want me to lose weight.. any of you in same boat?

JodehFoster

jacksonpt wrote: »

Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

if this is the case...it's a sh*tty relationship & has no substance to begin w/.

but...

CalorieCountChocula wrote: »

I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

I suspect the same.




who knows the whole story anyway. yay speculation!

RodaRose

Perhaps he does not want to deal with changes. Are you talking about what you are doing differently?

Ibeachlover

My spouse doesn't discourage me, but seems to enjoy pointing out my "bad" days :-) . I noticed she is complaining more about her weight gain, so maybe by-product of me getting in shape. She also has a much higher "likable" weight for me than I am shooting for...she said I won't look good at my target weight. I work out so I won't look whimpy by any stretch. Oh well, I do what I do when it comes to my body, so guess we'll see how it goes.

acarmon55

I understand. My husband doesn't 100% support either. I get eye rolls and "I guess your going to run" (insert sarcasm). My husband wants to lose some weight and I think it is the fact I have will power and the want to and all he does is talk about it. He tells me the same...that I look good how I am (but I wouldn't want to hear anything else). I have learned to continue with my goals around him and his sarcasm by doing it all when he is not around and like another post stated, eat the same as him but a whole lot less.

coloradolaura

Maybe your person is disinterested in the dieting portion? Maybe he's concerned that the volume of preferred food types will shift to primarily salad and tea. Maybe he's worried that he'll feel pressured to also diet and exercise and change, and he's not interested in that. Maybe he's seen too many women become obsessive about their bodies and he doesn't want you to walk down that path.

I'm not here changing my body for my person. My person says I am beautiful as is and I don't need to change for him. When I told him I wanted to lose weight to improve my athletic performance and health, he said he supported me whole heartedly because then he was able to understand my motivations were appropriate.

I suggest you have that dialogue with your spouse. There's a drastic difference between him not being a cheerleader (not supporting you) and him actually trying to prevent you from following your path toward a lighter weight.

Jruzer

Ya know, when I started losing weight I had a specific goal in mind. When I hit it, Mrs Jruzer didn't like the way I looked. She said I looked gaunt. She preferred that I be a bit heavier - not a lot, about 5-10 lbs.

She had an opinion about how I looked and how I lived my life. That's her prerogative, and since she is my wife I valued her thoughts. We discussed it openly and honestly, and in the end I agreed with her.

When you're married there really shouldn't be a lot about you that is "off limits" to your spouse. It doesn't mean that they "own" you or "control" you. They shouldn't have the final say in how you live your life or how you look, but it seems naive to me to say that their opinion is irrelevant.

squeaktones

My boyfriend didn't want me loosing weight either. He is a big man and thought that if I lost weight that I would leave him. When I asked him to loose weight with me he gained 30 pounds. Ate himself right into diabetes. Now we are both doing the mpf thing. Is your husband a big man too? Do yall have children? Maybe you could gear weight loss to him more as a healthy life style than weight loss. Show him some of your recipes. Ask his input on the meal planning. If you have children tell him you just want to be healthy so that you are around for them and for any future children they may have. Tell him how being over weight makes you feel. Ask him to go for a walk with you or talk about it in the car while you are on a drive somewhere. That's where my boyfriend and I do the most talking. He is trapped in the car and can't go to another room. Stick to your healthy eating and exercise. Ask him to part of it. Marriage is about compromise and lifting the other up when the other is down. You know that already. Maybe he just needs a gentle reminder.

lisalsd1

My husband prefers "larger" ladies. I was probably a full size 10 when we met, which was in the smaller size for his personal preference. I'm a size 2/4 now. Luckily, he has discovered he also like small women with visible muscles.

Do what you want, and he'll likely get on board.

Soccermavrick

While in the perfect world both spouses would want to do it together, I think that more likely than not it does not happen that way. I support my wife where she is, but if she told me tomorrow that she wanted to drop 40 I would not stand in her way.

But I have gotten caught once or twice where she wants to lose, joins a gym takes about it for a week or so, then for one reason or another (stress) throws the plan out the window, I end up putting my foot in my mouth by saying what are you doing with cookies, I thought you wanted... Yeah that is a TRAP. She might say it, but until she does it, accept her as she is.

But unless he is purposely bringing home unhealthy food, or preventing you from exercise, is he standing in your way, or possibly just not supporting you in the way you expected?? It can be a hard line to dance.

feisty_bucket

CalorieCountChocula wrote: »

I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

I'd put money on that too.

These threads come up about daily, yes? Seems like the common consensus is that the other (usually overweight) partner is
1. scared of losing OP to a more-fit competitor
2. scared of being pressured to change

I doubt there are very many actual "chubby chasers" out there that really prefer their partner being overweight, no matter what they may claim.

Michael_a_s

My wife has a problem with me loosing weight and also gaining muscle I'm 5,11 246 pounds and I'm over weight and would like to be around 210 but with lean cut muscles we've been together 6 years and are having our second kid

20yearsyounger

feisty_bucket wrote: »

CalorieCountChocula wrote: »

I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

I'd put money on that too.

These threads come up about daily, yes? Seems like the common consensus is that the other (usually overweight) partner is
1. scared of losing OP to a more-fit competitor
2. scared of being pressured to change

I doubt there are very many actual "chubby chasers" out there that really prefer their partner being overweight, no matter what they may claim.

^^ This

peleroja

feisty_bucket wrote: »

CalorieCountChocula wrote: »

I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

I'd put money on that too.

These threads come up about daily, yes? Seems like the common consensus is that the other (usually overweight) partner is
1. scared of losing OP to a more-fit competitor
2. scared of being pressured to change

I doubt there are very many actual "chubby chasers" out there that really prefer their partner being overweight, no matter what they may claim.

Eh. My husband is slim, a gym rat, and healthy-food fan, and he still prefers me chubby (closer to BMI 25 or so than my present 19-20 ish.) He likes curvy - not really overweight but rounder, and I'm not sure that's a really unusual opinion. But we're not talking really big here, his favourite weight for me is around 140 lbs (I'm 5'4") whereas I feel I look best just under 120.

maggieeric1

It's your body. So by all means be happy in it.

. If you want your spouse or boyfriend's support ask for him to be supportive. And explain what you're taking on and explain what you want from him in terms of support. Be firm. Direct.

If you just don't want him to sabotage you then ask him to be neutral.

You don't need permission from him tho.

angelamichelle_xo

he's just saying it to be a loving caring awesome hubby.
lose the weight and he will still love you for who you are.

what a good guy. ♥

yvetty79

My fiancé does not want me to lose weight either. He is upset about me dieting. It's like he is scared that if I lose a lot of weight I won't marry hi e anymore

jrez10

I'm about 50 lbs overweight and I began cutting calories for a few weeks now and my fiancé is so unsupportive. He tells me he doesn't want me to lose weight and constantly offers me fried or other fattening foods. I'm completely uncomfortable with my body as this is the heaviest I've ever been n I've expressed this to him. I still eat some of the same stuff as before but in smaller portions. Everyday seems to be a battle but unfortunately for him I'm doing what I feel is best for me. I just learned to ignore him as in the past when I've tried losing weight, he would do the same and I would fall into it. So far I've lost about 7 pounds in 3 weeks. So just keep your head up and let him know that you need to do this for you.

alismommy1992

I agree with you on this

quote="jacksonpt;35171002"]Liking you the way you are is not the same as disapproving of your goal to lose weight. Perhaps he's just being supportive of your current appearance?

There's really no good answer for him in this case. If he encourages you, then he thinks you're fat and ugly. If he likes you how you are, he's unsupportive. Not saying that's the case in your house, but it is for many people.[/quote]

alismommy1992

My hubby always tell me he like me the way i look and that im fine but if i tell him i want to lose weight he supports me he just tells me to take it easy and not to starve myself lol

sault_girl

My husband both wants me to lose some weight, and also doesn't want me to.

He wants me to be healthy and active and live a long time with him.

At the same time I think he's worried that if I lost a lot of weight I would have lots of guys after me.

I don't know if it's completely fair to say "it's not his choice" ... you have to talk about it. Like if my husband says, "I'm going to get a haircut and this time I'm getting a mullet" I would say "No you're not". It's good to talk these things through.

crb426

CalorieCountChocula wrote: »

I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

^^This! He is probably just trying to be his wonderful husband self. I would never be like "oh yeah, you really should lose weight".

Need2Exerc1se

My husband told me I didn't need to lose weight, but not that he didn't want me to lose weight. He did say he hoped I didn't lose my booty. LOL

He does admit that I look better now, though.

kshama2001

yvetty79 wrote: »

My fiancé does not want me to lose weight either. He is upset about me dieting. It's like he is scared that if I lose a lot of weight I won't marry hi e anymore

Might want to have some premarital counseling to discuss this.

Caseys925

I feel your pain...my new hubby tells me the same thing "I love you just as you are" so he has become an enabler "oh babe you can eat just one"...don't put one Hershey's kiss or one Lay's potato chip in front of me and tell me I can eat just one...oh no not some one like me that is a food addict...it is his way of keeping me just as I am.

jemhh

Did the OP ever come back to explain the context around her husband's "I like you as you are" comments? I think that context is really important here. It's already been hit on but a person saying "I like you as you are" is not the same as saying "I won't like you if you change." In addition, if there is a history of the OP becoming obsessive or having unhealthy behaviors when it comes to her weight, that could be coloring the conversation.

My husband has never been critical about my weight, even when I was at my heaviest and completely out of shape. As I've lost weight, he has clearly approved of/appreciated the changes but I know that I had a time last year when I was getting overly anxious/obsessive about results and he suggested that I take a step back and not weigh myself for awhile. I didn't take that as "he doesn't want me to lose weight" but instead took it as "he wants me to be happy." I'm just wondering if the OP (or maybe some others in this thread) are misinterpreting their partners' comments.

ElizabethOakes2

Sit down with your partner and talk about what he's really afraid of. My partner was afraid that I was going to become one of those women who would count every calorie, that I'd stop cooking delicious flavorful food for him, that our plush weekend brunches would become an egg white scrambled with broccoli, and a slice of banana. He didn't want to be that couple who goes out for dinner and he's eating a giant steak while I'm nibbling a tiny green salad and complaining because they didn't put the dressing on the side. Now that I'm cooking healthier for both of us, and he can see that it doesn't mean giving up favorite foods, or only eating boiled chicken breast and kale every meal, he's down with me losing weight. In fact, he told me last night that he needs to up his gym days and get buff before I dump him for someone hotter.

Honestly, a lot of women are neurotic about weight loss, trying fad diets, crazy fitness programs, doing insane things to 'loose that couple pounds'. I can't blame guys for being afraid of their partner deciding to lose weight.

callsitlikeiseeit

my ex never cared. he wanted me to be happy and healthy. he loved me at my biggest, and smallest and every size in between.

thats how its supposed to work.....

ninerbuff

My DW doesn't like me watching football on Sundays. I watch anyway.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

kshama2001

Caseys925 wrote: »

I feel your pain...my new hubby tells me the same thing "I love you just as you are" so he has become an enabler "oh babe you can eat just one"...don't put one Hershey's kiss or one Lay's potato chip in front of me and tell me I can eat just one...oh no not some one like me that is a food addict...it is his way of keeping me just as I am.

I explained to my fiance that how MFP works is like a calorie budget - I get so many calories to spend per day and then I'm out. When I tell him I don't have enough calories left, he interprets that as being like not having enough money and drops it.

AliceDark

It also depends on how you approach losing weight; I know a lot of people who, when they say "I'M going to lose weight," they mean "WE'RE going to completely change how WE eat." That's not fair to your partner, and it's no surprise that those kinds of people might get some push-back from their partners. If your weight-loss attempt is going to negatively impact your husband, that could be one reason that he may not want you to lose.