I'm losing weight and my husband is putting me down
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I'm the one that posted the question above. In case no one didn't recognize me. I'm really digging everyone's feedback. I should have mentioned that every meal I cook is very scrumptious, and he loves all of them. Like for instance, last night, I made spaghetti squash, with marinara and ground turkey. I love to cook, and I find it very rewarding to make the exact same dishes he had before, but switch out different ingredients for healthier alternatives.
ALSO, something very important that I failed to mention is that my husband is a quadriplegic. We met 9 years ago and have been married 6-1/2 years. I suppose that majorly adds to some insecurities already. He became a quadriplegic 18 years ago, was very good looking when we met, and got his masters after his accident. He has accomplished so much more than most full-body abled men have. We got married and he stopped trying to take care of himself.
No matter what, he shouldn't talk that way to me. I cook, clean, drive him everywhere and do his personal cares. I'm with him because I love him, but a girl can only handle so much physically, and him adding insults on top of all that isn't helping his cause.
I'm not going anywhere, and he needs reassurance of it like everyday. I hate to tell him it hurt my feelings, because he may find another way to bring me down. I'm a "keep your chin up" kind of girl. And, I have a hard time showing any sort of weakness around him.0 -
[[/quote]
It may be as simple as being more attracted to heavier, rather than thinner, body types.
[/quote]
There you go! I work at a place that is 90% male staff and there have been several females who have gone from fat to in shape and I have heard guys complaining "I hope she gains it back I like thick ones" LOL. Heavy girls certainly do have a fan club!0 -
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looking good!0
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What RodaRose is saying is to try and be a more flexible. Even if it is only one day a week cook something that he likes, eventually he will come around. He is right, not everyone can accept 100% change overnight. It's like smoking (something I have never done), how many people can go cold turkey overnight.
Yes, he is feeling insecure, but being with someone means giving and taking - so cook him at least one of his favorite meals once a week and go from there.
Keep on what you are doing, you really look good - love those thighs.
Next time he mentions that your butt looks like a penguin butt, tell him that penguins mate for life and from his comments to date, it is starting to look like he is not your mate for life.What RodaRose is saying is to try and be a more flexible. Even if it is only one day a week cook something that he likes, eventually he will come around. He is right, not everyone can accept 100% change overnight. It's like smoking (something I have never done), how many people can go cold turkey overnight.
Yes, he is feeling insecure, but being with someone means giving and taking - so cook him at least one of his favorite meals once a week and go from there.
Keep on what you are doing, you really look good - love those thighs.
Next time he mentions that your butt looks like a penguin butt, tell him that penguins mate for life and from his comments to date, it is starting to look like he is not your mate for life.
LOVE WHAT SOCAJAM SAID!!0 -
I have a book idea in mind, "Strong Women - Abuse Targets" I wonder sometime if strong women stick it out in impossible situations longer because of their seemingly inexhaustible strength.
How about a general conversation about health - your desire for a vital life, and your hope that he join you?
Then a follow up conversation about good words and bad words. You have limits too and you deserve beautiful words.0 -
ok so he cant do things he once could. I can understand that still no reason to say what was said. talk to him and go from there that is all you can do. tell him you are with him for the long haul and he has to be also for better or for worse. and that no matter what you married him and are still with him because you love him.0
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He's totally jealous and insecure. You're doing great. Don't let others take you down!0
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Jealous. Insecure.0
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tracymn925 wrote: »And I wholeheartedly disagree with you guys who are making excuses for hubby's behavior. Saying those things is NEVER excusable, especially when we live in a society where losing weight is so difficult and women are often especially scrutinized in the media and everyday life. Not okay whatsoever...
I agree with this 110%, but he's obviously stuck on something for some reason and that reason is likely jealousy.
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I think you should talk it out with him and tell him that his comments hurt you. Tell him your doing this for yourself because you feel horrible in your own body and you will still love him.
Everyone that knows me in my town is discouraging me from losing weight because I'm already "too thin" in their eyes (I'm just above the top of a healhy bmi). You must remember, that YOU are the one living in your body, you are the one that has to be happy in it, not someone else.0 -
When I started my journey , I was on my own, and after I lost 25lbs my husband got so jealous that he started his journey. I think your husband is in denial right now, and hates to see that you are taking action to better your health and look, but pretty soon he will follow your footsteps0
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You are beautiful, continue your journey and don't allow his negativity to hinder you motivation to reach your goals. A spouse is supposed to be supportive through thick and thin, after all that is the commitment you both made. If he cannot be that for you then you need to be with someone who can. You are beautiful no matter your size you are no piglet.0
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thorsmom01 wrote: »I agree with the other posters. He sounds like he's very insecure right now. He may feel threatened. He may think you'll leave him for a thin man ( I know it sounds nuts but sometimes men get weird ideas)
Keep on reassuring him that you love him and want to be with him. Maybe in time the idea of the "new you " will start to sink in. Give him all the love and reassurance needed and hopefully he can work this out.
But if at any time his comments become hurtful, I think you should let him know how you feel. Communication is key to a happy marriage. So if he makes hurtful remarks then tell him you are hurt . let him know that you will continue on your weight loss journey even if he doesn't like it but that you will still love him.
This!
Also remember that each person has to come to the decision to change their life on their own. They cant be convinced or forced (not that that is what you were doing). For the journey to be successful he mist first commit within himself.
My wife started the journey with me and what helped fr both of us was MASSIVELY complimenting each other on our progress. Between us we;ve lost 220lbs and were really were not attractive, even to each other but telling her she is becoming sexy when she had a NSV or her complimenting me about how my body is changing is what kept us going for 3 years.
Yes, he is insecure and yes he is scared you are going to leave him for someone "prettier" and what he is doing could be a defense mechanism. Anyway it is no excuse for being an *kitten*.
My 2c.
PS You are seriously hot.0 -
Maybe it's just me, but if I had a husband who said my butt looks like penguin from batman I would laugh so hard and fall in love with him all over again. He's just expressing things in his own way, that he is uncomfortable with the change to his routine and foods, possibly your appearance as well since he is used to you being heavier. He might even be feeling slightly pressured to lose weight himself, which is not a good feeling. Best thing would be to accept him for who he is, with all his quirks, and after a while he is guaranteed to get used to the new you.0
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This is no compliment!
You're doing awesome! Keep it up!
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HappyCampr1 wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »doesnt matter what she cooks or doesnt cook,there is NO reason and no excuse for him to act like that and put her down. he has no excuse. if he doesnt want to be healthy thats on him and she should not have to cook him what he likes. hes an adult and can cook his own meals. if she wants to cook him something different then fine,but point is there is never an excuse or a reason for your partner to try and make you feel like less of a person or mock you in anyway. my hubby would never say things like that to me. he often tells me he is proud of me for sticking with it as long as I have and that I look good but that to him I looked good before I lost the weight. you should never put the other person down because you cant deal with something they are doing to benefit their health and help to keep them around longer.
My husband would never say those things to me either. And of course she doesn't have to cook him what he likes. But, I would never have expected my husband to completely change his diet because I wanted to lose weight. When I started losing weight, I changed my breakfast, snacks and lunches. I left dinner completely alone and continued to make the same food as always. I used portion control for dinner. Why? Because I didn't think it fair to upset my husband's world just because I wanted to change mine.
I'm not saying anything is her fault. He's being a butt head and she should have a talk with him. But to not understand that people can react harshly to unwanted change... That's all we're saying...that it's possible to take care of her dietary needs and weight loss without involving him in the least.
she said he likes the food she makes, so thats not the issue here. I am not saying that her hubby has to change his diet. mine sure as heck didnt. he cooks most of the time so he just tries to pick healthier options to help me out. but he hates having to weigh everything. he eats what he wants at other times and he will even cook for himself but he can do that,the ops hubby cannot. again this is not the problem.she also wants her hubby to be healthy too,I understand where she is coming from. no where did I say that she should or should not involve him. before she mentioned that he could not care for himself,I mentioned he could cook for himself because I had no idea he could not do so himself. I have already mentioned she talk to him as well. But still there is no reason why he should say hurtful things.OP-I hope once you talk to him things will change.0 -
Is this normal behaviour for him? Has he been cruel like this before? If not then I'd be concerned how he is feeling that would change his character so much.
Talk to him, ask him why he would say such things. Ask him how he would feel if you commented negatively on his body size/shape.0 -
I think since he is your husband kill him with kindness. Compliment him, explain to him you are doing this for the both of you. Stroke his ego play this song for him. It's called look good for you by Selena Gomez. Tell him you are just trying to be his trophy wife that you realize that you represent him in public & you just don't want to represent him and your family in the best way. Remind him that you love him.
^^^ This0 -
soniamemms wrote: »I'm the one that posted the question above. In case no one didn't recognize me. I'm really digging everyone's feedback. I should have mentioned that every meal I cook is very scrumptious, and he loves all of them. Like for instance, last night, I made spaghetti squash, with marinara and ground turkey. I love to cook, and I find it very rewarding to make the exact same dishes he had before, but switch out different ingredients for healthier alternatives.
ALSO, something very important that I failed to mention is that my husband is a quadriplegic. We met 9 years ago and have been married 6-1/2 years. I suppose that majorly adds to some insecurities already. He became a quadriplegic 18 years ago, was very good looking when we met, and got his masters after his accident. He has accomplished so much more than most full-body abled men have. We got married and he stopped trying to take care of himself.
No matter what, he shouldn't talk that way to me. I cook, clean, drive him everywhere and do his personal cares. I'm with him because I love him, but a girl can only handle so much physically, and him adding insults on top of all that isn't helping his cause.
I'm not going anywhere, and he needs reassurance of it like everyday. I hate to tell him it hurt my feelings, because he may find another way to bring me down. I'm a "keep your chin up" kind of girl. And, I have a hard time showing any sort of weakness around him.
I agree with the others who say that your husband is insecure. That is actually pretty common. My husband has been extremely supportive, but every now and then he'll make a comment about how he hopes I'm not trying to get in shape so I can find another man. I give him the stink eye and tell him to stop it and he does. You look absolutely fabulous and your husband should be very proud of you. I do think that it might help if you didn't always tell him when you make things in a healthy way. I know it can be exciting to us when we find new recipes or something that fits in our goals and taste super yummy. But that can be boring to others. (That's why I come on mfp so much.) If he doesn't want to get healthy that is his choice, but he may feel like he doesn't have control because you have to do so many things for him and now you aren't even letting him decide what he wants to eat. I'm not saying that is right, I'm just saying that could be how he is feeling. So it might help to just not mention it and keep doing your thing. What really worries me the most about this post though is the comment I put in bold. That really makes me think that your husband could be verbally abusive. There is absolutely no excuse for that. He may have been in a tragic accident, but that does not give him the right to be verbally abusive to his wife. My mother-in-law was married for almost 50 years to a verbally abusive man. The way you describe your husband reminds me a lot of my father-in-law. I hope that you will not take that kind of abuse from anyone. You are a beautiful person and you Deserve so much more than that.0 -
soniamemms wrote: »What RodaRose is saying is to try and be a more flexible. Even if it is only one day a week cook something that he likes, eventually he will come around. He is right, not everyone can accept 100% change overnight. It's like smoking (something I have never done), how many people can go cold turkey overnight.
Yes, he is feeling insecure, but being with someone means giving and taking - so cook him at least one of his favorite meals once a week and go from there.
Keep on what you are doing, you really look good - love those thighs.
Next time he mentions that your butt looks like a penguin butt, tell him that penguins mate for life and from his comments to date, it is starting to look like he is not your mate for life.What RodaRose is saying is to try and be a more flexible. Even if it is only one day a week cook something that he likes, eventually he will come around. He is right, not everyone can accept 100% change overnight. It's like smoking (something I have never done), how many people can go cold turkey overnight.
Yes, he is feeling insecure, but being with someone means giving and taking - so cook him at least one of his favorite meals once a week and go from there.
Keep on what you are doing, you really look good - love those thighs.
Next time he mentions that your butt looks like a penguin butt, tell him that penguins mate for life and from his comments to date, it is starting to look like he is not your mate for life.
LOVE WHAT SOCAJAM SAID!!
And I love that you reacted positively to Socajam's comment. No, the kinds of comments that your husband is making are not okay. However, how to deal with comments that are not okay is not always black-and-white. It may be appropriate for you to flat-out say "that hurts my feelings and I don't ever want you to say something like that again," or that might be the absolute wrong approach. We wouldn't know, because we are not in your relationship.
Every time one partner makes a huge change, it can be really difficult for the other partner. It's also usually the case that when one person changes their behavior, the other person's life is impacted, and the other person may not want their life to change. We really don't know how much your new lifestyle is impacting him, and we don't know how much he perceives it to be impacting him. (Those are two different things; what you see as a small impact may be perceived as a big deal).
He's not expressing himself in a healthy way, but his feelings and concerns may still be valid. Unless/until you know why he's reacting the way he is, it's really hard to figure out how to handle his reaction. My advice would be to find a way to communicate that it's not okay for him to be hurtful (whether directly, through humor, or any other way is up to you), but also try to find out where his hurt is coming from.0 -
This is no compliment!
You're doing awesome! Keep it up!
If you were replying to my comment, I know it's not a compliment, but to me it's so funny when a loved one expresses their feelings (or fails to) in a quirky way that it makes me want to take a few extra steps to discover what is bothering them so much that they need to resort to silly comments. Again, this is just me and in no way necessarily applies to OP. It's just in my personal experience, such remarks usually mean someone is struggling with something and failing to express it, and are rarely meant to intentionally hurt.0 -
soniamemms wrote: »My question is: do you think he is insecure, because he is still so overweight? Maybe he feels I could leave him, or is jealous about the attention that I'm getting, when people compliment me? I feel like he's trying to discourage me. But what are your ideas or opinions on why?
I would think yes to all of this. If he's not usually such a d-bag then he's likely afraid. Afraid of you thinking he's not good enough anymore. Afraid of not fitting into your new lifestyle. Afraid of losing a life and wife he loved. It's not an unfounded fear. It happens a lot.
I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with him and reassure him that you still love him just as much (if you do) but you are so much happier now (if you are). And then make it VERY clear that insulting you will not be tolerated and needs to stop right NOW. That's not cool. Never ever.0 -
It doesn't matter how he is feeling (jealous, insecure, whatever), he does not have the right to talk to you that way. It is borderline abusive and totally unacceptable.
You need to shut that garbage down. If he can't get his act together, maybe he needs to see a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.
If you have children in the house, both of you need to be setting a good example of health and fitness. He is really falling down on the job in that respect.
You look great. Keep up the good work!0 -
He's insecure, and also behaving in a really nasty, unacceptable way.
You know, I too have had men pull the whiny-baby "But you're gonna leaaaaave me for another maaaan!" nonsense. I find the best remedy is to look them in the eye and say "You know, if you're trying to get me to stay with you, calling me a *kitten* is really not the way to go about it. In fact, if your opinion of me is that low, maybe you're right and I need to find someone who thinks better of me."
You will never hear that particular phrase come out of his mouth again, guaranteed. Bonus: the look on his face will bear a distinct resemblance to a pug who just charged face-first into a sliding glass door. OP, adapt as needed; maybe "Wow, you really seem to think badly of me. Huh. I'll have to give that some thought."0 -
Omg iam so sorry!! I understand how you feel. Iam 23 , have a 3 yr old son and iam married to my husband of going on 5 years. My husband is 34 yrs old hes always in shape because he does roofing. Ive always been skinny, until i had my son. I got huge!! Lol my husband tells me how much he loves me ect. And he dont care how fat iam. But he always talks ish about me being "big" "huge" "gross" "vaca" which means cow in spanish.and when i try losing weight he gets meaner with his comments!!! Its just men and their insecurity girl. I know it hurts iam still trying to lose weight. And he keeps on with his comments!! Just keep your head up and try to stay motivated!!! You have a friend here if you need to talk0
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How big where you when you guys hooked up? He may be attracted to bigger women, however he should NEVER say those things to you. He should be you helpmate in life!0
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williamsbantonio wrote: »I'm going threw the same thing but with my girlfriend!
Doesn't make it right but your girl is probably just afraid to lose you because other girls may start to give you more attention now. Let her knowthat you only want her but that you intend to stick with what you are doing such as diet and exercise. :-) Good luck. Relationships are hard.0 -
tracymn925 wrote: »And I wholeheartedly disagree with you guys who are making excuses for hubby's behavior. Saying those things is NEVER excusable, especially when we live in a society where losing weight is so difficult and women are often especially scrutinized in the media and everyday life. Not okay whatsoever...
So agree!!! The husband is welcome to change his diet and increase his exercise level instead of making his wife feel bad. He is the person, of all people, should be encouraging her in nice and polite ways!0 -
Insecure, jealous, afraid you'll leave him, afraid you'll make him eat "healthy" food...all the above.
People don't like change; he's probably afraid that you'll become "disgusted" with his weight, b/c he is "disgusted" with himself and ashamed that you've lost weight and he "can't." I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I wouldn't put up with the insults.0
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