looked at my husband and he looks so ooooo fat!
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MichelleLei1 wrote: »Ignoring your husband's health for a moment, what exactly do you mean you fast 3 times a week to keep your weight down? This sounds relatively unhealthy and certainly unsustainable. I suggest before you try and fix your husband you get your own diet routine in check.
This. Ain't no way fasting 3 days a week is a healthy lifestyle.0 -
The poster who said the big issue with the OP was the way the statement was framed is right on the money. It is understandable to find your spouse less attractive at points in time. And if it's a serious and long term (1+ year) lack of attraction then it might be something you very kindly mention. Be very careful about how you say it. Don't make it an ultimatum and don't stop being intimate to blackmail your partner! Try to find other aspects to them that you do find attractive in the meantime. Those are going to have more longevity than appearance anyway.
It's the whining tone that's so off putting. Treat him with kindness and respect. He deserves it. He doesn't deserve being bashed behind his back online. If you want suggestions for how to deal with it then phrase your question with thoughtfulness and respect. There are so many other examples of that on the forum.0 -
I think some of you are being a little hard on her. Maybe she's trying out the conversation (with us) that she needs to have with her husband. Of course we all age, but he has a responsibility to try to remain sexually attractive to his wife! I disagree that it's all about health. Looking good and being a sexy partner to your mate are important and I don't think the woman who posted should be shamed for wanting a mate who takes care of himself.0
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lagoscarrie wrote: »I think some of you are being a little hard on her. Maybe she's trying out the conversation (with us) that she needs to have with her husband. Of course we all age, but he has a responsibility to try to remain sexually attractive to his wife! I disagree that it's all about health. Looking good and being a sexy partner to your mate are important and I don't think the woman who posted should be shamed for wanting a mate who takes care of himself.
I think many here are or have been the husband and also many here are too young to understand how it feels to lose attraction not for a moment but for years. And how love and attraction and health are all very separate things. Unless one has been in a long term relationship or marriage and is also relatively old, I think these concepts are impossible to grasp.0 -
On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?0
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Seriously though, the internet is not private.
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I'm not sure how old you are saying one needs to be to have an opinion on this. I'm 53 and I've been in a 22-year marriage and am now in a 1-year-old one. A person in his or her 50s has a lot of years of sexual activity ahead and I don't think a lack of attraction is anything to sweep under the rug.Unless one has been in a long term relationship or marriage and is also relatively old, I think these concepts are impossible to grasp.0 -
Okay enough is enough, I think we have thoroughly chastised the OP. Let's just hope she takes what we said to heart, deletes this thread, and has an honest mature conversation with her husband.0
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I second MichelleLei1!
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I'm the same age as OP and also married to a man who is significantly overweight and who now has Type II diabetes. Once someone is in his 50s and overweight, the problem is more than cosmetic and extends to a whole range of health issues that affect our long-term future together. I'm also normal weight, exercise, and take care of my body because I want a long, healthy life (and yes, to look good, of course). Sometimes, I am frustrated that I am putting in the effort to take care of myself, and he isn't. However, I'm not adopting an unhealthy regime to keep my weight down, like fasting 3 times a week, and perhaps part of OP's husband's "obliviousness" to his weight problem might be that's the kind of hardship he would be expected to undergo to lose the weight and please her.
My own SO is well aware of his weight issues and what he needs to do, and I do what I can to support him by not bringing junk food into the house, making healthy meals, and making his lunch most days of the week. We do take occasional walks together, but it's almost impossible to get him to work out or to fit it into his schedule. There's only so much I can control, and what he does when I'm not around is his choice. While there's no question that weight affects his attractiveness, my larger concern is having a healthy future together; we like to travel together from time to time, and I already notice how his health is affecting his energy level and stamina on days when we do a lot of walking. Framing the question more in the lines of how you enjoy the time you can spend together and want to have your later years as healthy and active adults might be more productive.
On another note about spouses complaining about weight, I just saw a thread early yesterday from a 30s woman who was working out and at 5'2" down to around 116 lbs. Her husband was saying he was not longer attracted to her because her figure was no longer "feminine" and "curvy," and he was now seeing strippers to experience that kind of body. Wow, I never thought I'd see a spouse complaining about a wife being too fit! Maybe OP should be grateful she's not married to that guy!0 -
I don't think this would have been an issue had she not used the 'f' word in the original post. Take that word out and reread it. Have a good weekend everyone
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i didn't read the other posts... but...
if your husband is getting fat and ugly, tell him. We see ourselves every day and it's really hard some times to see what we objectively look like. I would bring up your lack of attraction due to his weight and perceived laziness.
do it tactfully of course, but how else is he going to know you're unhappy? You going to resent him into physical fitness? I dont think so!0 -
On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?
I do! I get that whole "world stops for a minute" sensation when he walks into the room.
Could he lose weight? Sure. He definitely doesn't have the 6 pack he used to have in our early 20's (we've been together 16 years - straight out of high school). But even though he's not perfect, he's perfect for me.0 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »I wont lecture you about dissing your spouse publicly as others already have. Instead, I'll offer you some advice. Here's what I do if ever I start thinking poorly about my hubby, when I start comparing him or wanting to change him. I think this to myself "What would I do if he died tomorrow. How would I feel? Would I care about his little belly, or the fact he chews his nails?". Works for me, EVERY single time!!! See, I have friends whose spouses have passed. They are completely devastated. They no longer care about the little annoying things that drove them nuts. The sox on the floor, the cigarette smoking, the binge tv watching, those things, and everything else, became totally insignificant.
I like this so much. Hugs to you.0 -
My husband is significantly overweight, but he knows it. He doesn't need me to tell him! He tries to do something about it and falls down. Tries and falls down, tries and falls down, etc. Like we've all done, I'm sure. I feel better being there to pick him up, rather than say, "You are so disgusting to me right now. You'd better do something about it, because, as you know, I look amazing". (He's still attractive, btw, but even if he weren't I would never tell him. I'd phrase my concerns about his weight much differently).
And, to the OP: if your husband is bigger than you, and works outside doing manual labor, THEN HE DOES NEED MORE CALORIES THAN YOU DO! To make him eat what you eat is likely not giving him enough food, so he's hungry. You're basically setting him up for failure.0 -
Hey has anyone here looked at their spouse differently lately? Ok I'm not perfect and we are both getting old, but gosh I have tried hard to look healthy,,,,and he has not ...and so I look ok for 54 but he's 56 and looks fat and unhealthy. I am sorry, I wouldn't say this to him. I'm just venting off here in private
....In have nobody else to tell
. I feel terrible now...
Not me. My dh is younger than me and lost weight before I did. We both gained weight in 16 years together but the only thing he ever said to me was he loved me no matter what my weight was and thought I was sexy. When he was bigger I didn't really notice and I didn't really notice his weight loss until he had gone down 30 lbs. He looked good both ways to me and I love him for so many things other than his appearance. We have been through so much together.
Has your husband seen a doctor regularly? Is your husband actually at an unhealthy weight for him? Is he unhappy with his weight or appearance? I would ask him how he feels then talk to him about his health not his appearance.
If you can't talk to him, go see a therapist to work through your issue instead of posting on the internet in a public forum.Thanks rosemary. Well I fast 3 days a week. That's how I keep my weight down. He eats much the same as I do, maybe a bit more , on my non fast days. The thing is, he eats the same amount every day. He does not eat a high amount one day and compensate with a much smaller amount the next day. He says he needs the larger amount of calories every day because he does a manual job, outside in cold weather!
He is bigger, a man and active. He does need more calories than you every day. You absolutely have different calorie needs.
Fasting several days a week is not the method of weight management for everyone. No way would I fast. I stick to the same calorie deficit every day and that is what works for me.
I think you are having a "I'm feeling so good and awesome. This thing I do works for me. Now everyone else should do the same." kind of mood. Your dh might like himself the way he is or not be ready to make changes yet.
Do you love him?
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On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?
I hope you took the opportunity to tell your husband how good he's looking? Mu husband has also been looking exceptionally sexy lately, which I let him know after I got home from work last night and all the kids were asleep.
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My husband and I have been married for 47 + years. We have been fat and thin together and healthy and not so healthy, together. I may tell him he is getting a gut and he may tell me that my butt really does look fat when I wear that pair of pants; but I would never bad mouth him on social media.
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noobletmcnugget wrote: »
Really? Having the compassion and respect for your spouse to discuss it with them personally instead of on a public forum is rubbish logic?0 -
Good lord. I'd expect a thread like this from someone in their 20's, not 50's. Everyone has the ability to change their physical appearance, but he should want to do it for himself, not to satisfy you or others. He deserves better than you.0
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