Cheating husband.

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  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
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    Please tell me he used a condom at least....
  • bmayes2014
    bmayes2014 Posts: 232 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    bmayes2014 wrote: »
    Men cheat on 'skinny' women too! I am sorry you are going through this. Everything will be okay and I just wanted to encourage you. I am glad he was honest with you about it. That doesn't make it better but at least you know the truth. Best of luck with the counselor
    I know they do. I really didn't meant it the way it came out.im sorry. My weight has always been an insecurity and this just amplified it ten times.

    no apology needed. I knew what you meant. It was just my round-about way of saying what everyone else has already reiterated: it wasn't you and you're beautiful.
  • liftsalltheweights
    liftsalltheweights Posts: 73 Member
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    brhollifield wrote: »
    Ok... I have read everyone of these posts and would like to add my two cents... First and foremost I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, I can't even imagine HOWEVER - don't do anything drastic like leave or throw him out, yes you probably need time to sort through your feelings but I would strongly suggest you talk to someone and then the two of you talk to someone - who knows you may come through this stronger than before and your relationship may survive, if that is what you want... remember, anything worth having is worth working for. I can't begin to explain his reasons for doing what he did but coming from a man ( me ) trust me it isn't an issue with you, it is an issue with him... your are a beautiful woman, don't let him or anyone else take that away from you. Lastly, his " ugly crying "... yes while the term is funny has it occurred to you ( or anyone else ) that maybe those are tears of hurt and pain? Maybe he realizes what he has done to your relationship? Maybe he realizes the hurt and pain he has caused, maybe he realizes he could lose you. Take your time, find yourself and make a good decision, you can and will get through this.

    I have to say that this is the best response so far.

    I agree that he "ugly cried" because he realized he screwed up. People screw up all the time and people cheat for various reasons. I believe the OP stated he said that they had "gotten into a rut". To me -- who is a complete outsider who knows nothing about the relationship other than what the OP has chosen to put out there -- it seems like there's possibly a communication issue here. Or there could be some other completely different issue here that caused him to stray even just once. The truth is no one here except the OP and her husband knows all of the reasons for what happened.

    OP: I agree with Brohllifield. You need to get to counseling -- separate and couples -- and you need to not do anything rash. Yes you're hurt and angry but don't do anything in that heat of anger that you might possibly regret later.
  • jdt242
    jdt242 Posts: 106 Member
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    Don't for a second measure your worth by his standards. You are perfect and his utterly disastrous and despicable decision is no reflection on just how amazing your life can still be. Keep punching through the storm and the sun will come out again!
  • violetness
    violetness Posts: 131 Member
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    If it is because of your weight, he is an *kitten*, and you are better off without him. Celebrate it and liberate yourself from that kind of thinking.
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
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    This has everything to do with him. He should have communicated with you before there was even a possibility of it happening. I suggest therapy for the two of you. Even if you're really angry and upset right now it'll be helpful to proceed thinking that maybe, possibly, this is something you can work through and then see what happens. I recommend trying to communicate about it and identify the real reason behind his actions. Since the experience sounds uncomfortable (for him) I feel it may have been a search for novelty but it also screams societal pressure and insecurity to me. I've seen this happen a lot to friends who got married relatively young, often to their first sex partners. They're not even sure they want something new but they feel like they ought to have other experiences to fully live their life. This would explain why he had unsatisfying sex with someone almost twice his age. This isn't to provide an excuse for his behavior, but if that's the reason behind it then I don't think it's as likely he'll do it again.

    I hate ugly crying. I wouldn't talk to someone ugly crying, particularly if they were doing so because they felt shame about hurting me. Then it just feels like a manipulative attempt to get forgiveness.
  • Meganthedogmom
    Meganthedogmom Posts: 1,639 Member
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    lesleysmith7879 wrote: »
    @DanniB423 ...... I have been in your shoes sweetheart, and it hurts and it is going to hurt for a long time if not forever. Will it get easier with time yes but it will always hurt.

    It doesn't have to hurt forever. If you stay with him, it will hurt for longer and potentially forever. However, I am no longer hurt by the cheaters of my past. I have moved on and learned from the experiences.
  • Marillian
    Marillian Posts: 3,892 Member
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    Of course you are in a state of shock. This was the ultimate betrayal not only of your trust, but your relationship. Like others have said, counseling will help to get to the deep-rooted issues as to the breakdown in your marriage. You admitted you and he went/are going through a "rough patch", but that rough patch may have been brewing for him long before he cheated. This is not an excuse to cheat as you very well know. It is unfortunate he did not have the courage or willingness to come to you and have a long heart-to-heart about how he was feeling. But that is in the past, and you know you need to move forward.

    I, too, am not making any excuses for his behavior. However, I have seen this scenario before. The work *kitten* will set her sights on someone she deems unattainable and makes it her mission to prove she can "get the goods" so to speak. Who knows what happened, but she probably flirted with your husband incessantly, talked dirty to him, acted very seductively, all of which may have made your husband feel like he was "G-d's gift to women." She built up his self-esteem, enticed him, made him feel so wanted, and this excited him. He was drunk in lust. She struck just at the right time, and in a moment of lapsed judgment, your husband caved in to her seduction, and now he regrets it. I know you are so angry right now, but stop and think for a moment... he just may be telling you the truth about how much he regrets a very bad decision. While your husband seems like a monster right now to you, he is human and made a very bad decision which affects you and your family. That's on him, not you.

    This one-time cheat doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Only you can decide after counseling whether or not you wish to remain married, and whether or not you will be able to trust him enough again to stay married. Naturally, your husband has to earn your trust again and be willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes.

    My hope for you right now is that you find some peace in this time of devastation.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    138shades wrote: »
    BOOM! I bet the private messages went wild! MFP STYLE!

    I've had tons of offers... LOL! Vulnerable little deer needs some lovin'?
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    Thank you everyone for your responses.i am incredibly hurt and confused right now. It is way too soon to really make any kind of real decision. I am just taking care of myself and keeping my eye on the prize for my health and happiness. I will attend counseling ALONE and with him. Even if we do end up together it could help us both as people and make us both capable of co parenting with communication open.
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
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    brhollifield wrote: »
    Ok... I have read everyone of these posts and would like to add my two cents... First and foremost I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, I can't even imagine HOWEVER - don't do anything drastic like leave or throw him out, yes you probably need time to sort through your feelings but I would strongly suggest you talk to someone and then the two of you talk to someone - who knows you may come through this stronger than before and your relationship may survive, if that is what you want... remember, anything worth having is worth working for. I can't begin to explain his reasons for doing what he did but coming from a man ( me ) trust me it isn't an issue with you, it is an issue with him... your are a beautiful woman, don't let him or anyone else take that away from you. Lastly, his " ugly crying "... yes while the term is funny has it occurred to you ( or anyone else ) that maybe those are tears of hurt and pain? Maybe he realizes what he has done to your relationship? Maybe he realizes the hurt and pain he has caused, maybe he realizes he could lose you. Take your time, find yourself and make a good decision, you can and will get through this.

    This is a good two-cents worth. There are some couples that can come out on the other side stronger, but it does take time, and sometimes a really long time to regain trust.

    I gave my ex the option to try to work through it, I cared enough about him and the marriage to try, he didn't care enough. In this case if both sides want to get past it, it probably can be done.

  • samjoy
    samjoy Posts: 119 Member
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    This happened to me - except I accidentally found out instead of my husband telling me. Its hard to explain how hurtful the cheating was. Even though we were not doing so great, I never thought he would betray me like that. Its been 6 months since I found out and although we went to counseling initially, we are no longer in counseling. Communication issues are very hard to fix (or atleast they are for us) and in my case, I know its because of my weight.....

    I am still trying to decide what I need to do - but am giving myself (and us) some time...
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,671 Member
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    Sorry you're going through this. You have some decisions to make.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    samjoy wrote: »
    This happened to me - except I accidentally found out instead of my husband telling me. Its hard to explain how hurtful the cheating was. Even though we were not doing so great, I never thought he would betray me like that. Its been 6 months since I found out and although we went to counseling initially, we are no longer in counseling. Communication issues are very hard to fix (or atleast they are for us) and in my case, I know its because of my weight.....

    I am still trying to decide what I need to do - but am giving myself (and us) some time...

    I'm sorry. I know how you felt and it is truly horrible.You know it's because of your weight? Why would you say that?
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
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    brhollifield wrote: »
    Ok... I have read everyone of these posts and would like to add my two cents... First and foremost I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, I can't even imagine HOWEVER - don't do anything drastic like leave or throw him out, yes you probably need time to sort through your feelings but I would strongly suggest you talk to someone and then the two of you talk to someone - who knows you may come through this stronger than before and your relationship may survive, if that is what you want... remember, anything worth having is worth working for. I can't begin to explain his reasons for doing what he did but coming from a man ( me ) trust me it isn't an issue with you, it is an issue with him... your are a beautiful woman, don't let him or anyone else take that away from you. Lastly, his " ugly crying "... yes while the term is funny has it occurred to you ( or anyone else ) that maybe those are tears of hurt and pain? Maybe he realizes what he has done to your relationship? Maybe he realizes the hurt and pain he has caused, maybe he realizes he could lose you. Take your time, find yourself and make a good decision, you can and will get through this.

    I like all of this..great advice xo
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    My husband told me he cheated on Saturday. I am not going to get into how terrible I feel, where to go from here with my family or any of that. I really just need help and advice because my self esteem is absolutely shot. I am consumed with thoughts that this is all because of my weight and if I was slim this never would have happened. I know I'm wrong but I feel like I'm drowning. Calling the counselor today but just didn't know if any of you had experience with these feelings. Thank you.

    People do not cheat because their partner is fat, short, ugly, bald, covered in pimples or not even because their partner is lazy, rude, has poor hugiene or whatever. These are reasons to have a talk, to go to counselling or get a divorce, not to cheat. Honest people who no longer can tolerate their partner for whatever reason will either seek a compromise or end the relationship. Assuming you are not living somewhere where a separation or divorce would not be an option, then this is about him. Not about anything you have or have not done.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    brhollifield wrote: »
    Ok... I have read everyone of these posts and would like to add my two cents... First and foremost I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, I can't even imagine HOWEVER - don't do anything drastic like leave or throw him out, yes you probably need time to sort through your feelings but I would strongly suggest you talk to someone and then the two of you talk to someone - who knows you may come through this stronger than before and your relationship may survive, if that is what you want... remember, anything worth having is worth working for. I can't begin to explain his reasons for doing what he did but coming from a man ( me ) trust me it isn't an issue with you, it is an issue with him... your are a beautiful woman, don't let him or anyone else take that away from you. Lastly, his " ugly crying "... yes while the term is funny has it occurred to you ( or anyone else ) that maybe those are tears of hurt and pain? Maybe he realizes what he has done to your relationship? Maybe he realizes the hurt and pain he has caused, maybe he realizes he could lose you. Take your time, find yourself and make a good decision, you can and will get through this.

    I have thought of this. I catch myself even feeling sorry for him. Because he's my husband and it hurts me to see him hurting. I think he is realizing that but that isn't going to make everything okay. This is going to take a lot of bad days and time.
  • mimigingerbread
    mimigingerbread Posts: 43 Member
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    So sorry. Lots of good advice about waiting to make a decision and going to counselling. You guys have a kid so you are family. Your decision is yours to make either way but it affects more than just the two of you. Hugs!!! Such a horrible time!!
  • xmichaelyx
    xmichaelyx Posts: 883 Member
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    He cheated because he's a a-hole. He told you he cheated because he's an a-hole who requires relationship drama, wanted to hurt you, and wanted to drag you into the pity hole he'd dug for himself. I have no doubt that he claims he told you because it was the honest thing to do, which is itself a lie. After all, the cheating could never have hurt you had he just manned up and left, or manned up and decided it would never happen again.

    Move on. There's no reason for drama in a relationship, and no shortage of people who live drama-free lives. Cheaters will always cheat. Liars will always lie. Good people will do neither.
  • liftsalltheweights
    liftsalltheweights Posts: 73 Member
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    xmichaelyx wrote: »
    He cheated because he's a a-hole. He told you he cheated because he's an a-hole who requires relationship drama, wanted to hurt you, and wanted to drag you into the pity hole he'd dug for himself. I have no doubt that he claims he told you because it was the honest thing to do, which is itself a lie. After all, the cheating could never have hurt you had he just manned up and left, or manned up and decided it would never happen again.

    Move on. There's no reason for drama in a relationship, and no shortage of people who live drama-free lives. Cheaters will always cheat. Liars will always lie. Good people will do neither.

    So it would have been better if he didn't tell her at all then?

    And sorry but I don't believe the whole "cheaters always cheat" rhetoric. I know people who have cheated on their SO's and ended up happily married to the person they were unfaithful with, and I know people who have overcome the betrayal and fixed their relationship.

    People cheat for a plethora of reasons. Neither you nor I are in the house of the OP and we are only getting a small bit of what actually happened. We have no way of knowing what their communication level is, what their day to day lives are like, if they argue on a regular basis . . . . we know nothing except what she has disclosed. No, there's no reason for drama in a relationship but there's also no reason to throw in the towel after one indiscretion. They could be quite capable of going to counseling and fixing it or realizing it can't be fixed. The fact of the matter is that it is for the OP and her husband to decide what should be done, not some internet stranger.

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