I Thought Everything Was Okay? What Would You Do From Here?
neldabg
Posts: 1,452 Member
I live alone except during breaks from university, so I often "forget" that I've lost almost 60lbs, until I go back home. What words of advice, or any words at all, would you say after reading about my situation?
During winter break, my parents seemed happy about my loss after I explained to them that I was losing healthily and let them see my workout/health portfolio, though they disapproved of my goal weight of 110lbs (I'm 5'2" on a good day).
However, based on their words and actions this past week, and an event today, I suspect that my parents never really did think I'd stick to my plan for a new lifestyle, which they still call a diet, and though they never said a word to me personally, they're still concerned, I think.
They invited over a relative, who, after a long talk with my mom, sat down to tell me that after my weight loss, I look 15 instead of 20 (he said it WASN'T a compliment), and that people who've known me to be obese before think I'm sick and/or that my parents are starving me. He said that my sister, who is 18, looks like the older sister now and strongly hinted that I gain weight to make people stop gossiping and judging my parents. He said he was just concerned, and he spoke in a nonconfrontational tone, but I know how my parents are, and I think he expressed what it is they're feeling.
Honestly, I feel very hurt. I feel comfortable at with my 20 BMI goal range, and I'm NOT changing my weight to please others, but it does pain me to know that people are judging my parents so cruelly and that people, including parents, see me as a weakling. A sick and weak child. And it hurts.
I noticed that if anything heavy needs to be lifted, my parents look right past me to other family members for help. If I make plans to work part-time while taking summer classes, they think it's too much for me, but not anyone else, etc etc. Apparently, I'm too sick and weak to do anything, yet this is a time in life where I've never been nor felt so strong and fit and excited for life.
Before, they didn't treat me that way, and I don't really know how to go from here.
How many other people are going behind my back to gossip about me being sick and starved?
During winter break, my parents seemed happy about my loss after I explained to them that I was losing healthily and let them see my workout/health portfolio, though they disapproved of my goal weight of 110lbs (I'm 5'2" on a good day).
However, based on their words and actions this past week, and an event today, I suspect that my parents never really did think I'd stick to my plan for a new lifestyle, which they still call a diet, and though they never said a word to me personally, they're still concerned, I think.
They invited over a relative, who, after a long talk with my mom, sat down to tell me that after my weight loss, I look 15 instead of 20 (he said it WASN'T a compliment), and that people who've known me to be obese before think I'm sick and/or that my parents are starving me. He said that my sister, who is 18, looks like the older sister now and strongly hinted that I gain weight to make people stop gossiping and judging my parents. He said he was just concerned, and he spoke in a nonconfrontational tone, but I know how my parents are, and I think he expressed what it is they're feeling.
Honestly, I feel very hurt. I feel comfortable at with my 20 BMI goal range, and I'm NOT changing my weight to please others, but it does pain me to know that people are judging my parents so cruelly and that people, including parents, see me as a weakling. A sick and weak child. And it hurts.
I noticed that if anything heavy needs to be lifted, my parents look right past me to other family members for help. If I make plans to work part-time while taking summer classes, they think it's too much for me, but not anyone else, etc etc. Apparently, I'm too sick and weak to do anything, yet this is a time in life where I've never been nor felt so strong and fit and excited for life.
Before, they didn't treat me that way, and I don't really know how to go from here.
How many other people are going behind my back to gossip about me being sick and starved?
1
Replies
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I think it just takes time for people to adjust to new look. I found the same thing in past the last time I lost weight, people kept telling me to stop that I looked too skinny etc even though I was still medically overweight. They just were so used to seeing me as a big person that to them I looked sick just because i looked very different than they were used to. People get over it with time once they have adjusted to your new look.6
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I would just let them gossip and go about your business. You are doing great and you have nothing to prove to anyone (including your parents) just follow your dreams and goals and let the world roll ..12
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You aren't going to change their minds. Keep doing what is good and healthy for you and eventually they will stop. Or maybe they won't but you still have to do what's good for you! Keep up the good work!!5
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Are you a male or female? Are you parents and sister overweight themselves? Do you come from a culture where people are generally overweight? What do you weigh currently? Has a doctor- or anyone other than your family- ever told you that you look too thin or that you may be overdoing it? If you're a female- do you still get normal cycles?2
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If it was ME and my family treated me that way, I would tell them nicely I appreciate their concerns but I'm a grown adult, not a child and expect to be treated as such. People who talk poorly of others only make themselves look bad. It really isn't anyones business about your weight except for yourself , drs and who you feel like sharing that info with. I bet your parents and this concerned relative aren't licensed doctors either. I'd just keep doing what your doing and only be concerned with what your Dr says.7
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I'm really just stunned by this. What kind of people....???? Sigh.10
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ObesityWarrior wrote: »I think it just takes time for people to adjust to new look. I found the same thing in past the last time I lost weight, people kept telling me to stop that I looked too skinny etc even though I was still medically overweight. They just were so used to seeing me as a big person that to them I looked sick just because i looked very different than they were used to. People get over it with time once they have adjusted to your new look.I would just let them gossip and go about your business. You are doing great and you have nothing to prove to anyone (including your parents) just follow your dreams and goals and let the world roll ..You aren't going to change their minds. Keep doing what is good and healthy for you and eventually they will stop. Or maybe they won't but you still have to do what's good for you! Keep up the good work!!MissusMoon wrote: »I'm really just stunned by this. What kind of people....???? Sigh.
Thank you so much for the kind words and reminders! I really needed the encouragement. I'll stay focused as best as I can.
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NewMEEE2016 wrote: »Are you a male or female? Are you parents and sister overweight themselves? Do you come from a culture where people are generally overweight? What do you weigh currently? Has a doctor- or anyone other than your family- ever told you that you look too thin or that you may be overdoing it? If you're a female- do you still get normal cycles?
1) Female
2) My mom is obese (II) and has been all her life. My did is mildly overweight. My little sister generally stays on the high end of the healthy BMI range, though she did gain a little bit during her first year in college.
3) YES. Especially within my own family, the women tend to be quite large.
4) I'm not too sure actually. I've been holding steady at 109-110 lbs these past few weeks, then I saw a drop to 105.6, and then back up to 108 then to 110lbs again? I'm thinking that my scale needs new batteries.
5) No.
6) Yes.
Thank you! You're right. None are licensed doctors.Timelordlady85 wrote: »If it was ME and my family treated me that way, I would tell them nicely I appreciate their concerns but I'm a grown adult, not a child and expect to be treated as such. People who talk poorly of others only make themselves look bad. It really isn't anyones business about your weight except for yourself , drs and who you feel like sharing that info with. I bet your parents and this concerned relative aren't licensed doctors either. I'd just keep doing what your doing and only be concerned with what your Dr says.
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You are 20 years old not a child. You do not live at home except for breaks. The world should see you by now as responsible for taking care of your own body for better or worse not your parents.
I'd say they are really thinking you make them look bad as in they look fatter and more unhealthy next to you. That makes them uncomfortable.
If your parents are worried about your health tell them you are at a healthy weight for your height and are not sick or weak at all. Tell them your doctor is pleased with your weight. You are in much better shape than you were I bet.
Invite them to join you in a workout and show them how not weak and sick you are.
Ultimately I would tell them they need to accept that this is your body and what is right for you.
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Just do you. You are doing your best to be healthy and fit. It's quite possible that other people are projecting their own insecurities onto you. You know you are strong, happy and healthy, so don't let other people's feelings weigh you down. It's your body.3
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Start lifting. You can gain a bit of muscle weight and look like you weigh less.3
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I have had this from a friend recently and my mum and it upset me but after speaking to other people I am of the mindset that as long as I'm happy, healthy,upping the calories and trying to maintain then that's all that matters.
I worked so hard to lose my weight and I will not let people bring me down6 -
Thanks for clarifying. Sounds to me as if you are going for HEALTHY & not anorexic. If you are feeling good & looking good & w/in the normal BMI range, I would consider stopping there rather than trying to reach an arbitrary fat percentage number.
As to your family- if this is an ingrained cultural thing, it's going to be very difficult. I think that the stronger and clearer you are- and the less you react to them, the more they will finally leave you alone. You can just say, "thank you for your concern. My doctor says I'm at the perfect weight".6 -
Crabs in a bucket. Or, alternatively, I'm going to tell you a story that I heard just yesterday. There was once a little monkey who loved catching fish from the river and putting them up in the trees. He would do it all day long, until finally one day a friend of his asked why he spent his time putting fish in trees. His answer? "I want to save them from drowning!"
People might have your best interests at heart, but that does not mean they know what's best for you. Watch out for both the crabs and the little monkeys.6 -
PS: I don't think lots of people are gossiping behind your back. I think only your parents are, and possibly only your mother.4
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You are 20 years old not a child. You do not live at home except for breaks. The world should see you by now as responsible for taking care of your own body for better or worse not your parents.
I'd say they are really thinking you make them look bad as in they look fatter and more unhealthy next to you. That makes them uncomfortable.
If your parents are worried about your health tell them you are at a healthy weight for your height and are not sick or weak at all. Tell them your doctor is pleased with your weight. You are in much better shape than you were I bet.
Invite them to join you in a workout and show them how not weak and sick you are.
Ultimately I would tell them they need to accept that this is your body and what is right for you.
As yesterday was Mother's Day here in the U.S, I didn't want to confront either parent, but I'm making note of your tips for the next time the conversation comes up. Thank you so much!! ^_^pbprincess wrote: »Just do you. You are doing your best to be healthy and fit. It's quite possible that other people are projecting their own insecurities onto you. You know you are strong, happy and healthy, so don't let other people's feelings weigh you down. It's your body.
Thanks for the words of encouragement!Start lifting. You can gain a bit of muscle weight and look like you weigh less.
Ah yes. That is certainly good advice. Thanks. ^^ I began a weight lifting routine in March this year, but it wasn't the best. Since last week, however, I've been following a more structured, goal-oriented routine, and I can't wait to see how I look a year from now.tamaraworrall wrote: »I have had this from a friend recently and my mum and it upset me but after speaking to other people I am of the mindset that as long as I'm happy, healthy,upping the calories and trying to maintain then that's all that matters.
I worked so hard to lose my weight and I will not let people bring me down
Good for you! You're right! As long as we *know* we're taking care of ourselves, we've no reason to let others ruin our success and happiness. Thank you for the reply.NewMEEE2016 wrote: »Thanks for clarifying. Sounds to me as if you are going for HEALTHY & not anorexic. If you are feeling good & looking good & w/in the normal BMI range, I would consider stopping there rather than trying to reach an arbitrary fat percentage number.
As to your family- if this is an ingrained cultural thing, it's going to be very difficult. I think that the stronger and clearer you are- and the less you react to them, the more they will finally leave you alone. You can just say, "thank you for your concern. My doctor says I'm at the perfect weight".
Okay. I'm making note of everything you've written. Thanks a bunch! ^^WiseBlueRaven wrote: »Crabs in a bucket. Or, alternatively, I'm going to tell you a story that I heard just yesterday. There was once a little monkey who loved catching fish from the river and putting them up in the trees. He would do it all day long, until finally one day a friend of his asked why he spent his time putting fish in trees. His answer? "I want to save them from drowning!"
People might have your best interests at heart, but that does not mean they know what's best for you. Watch out for both the crabs and the little monkeys.WiseBlueRaven wrote: »PS: I don't think lots of people are gossiping behind your back. I think only your parents are, and possibly only your mother.
Oh wow. I REALLY like that analogy. I'll be sure to remember it, and thanks. I really hope so.2 -
I think you're doing just great and gave a fantastic mindset 'I'm not gaining weight for anyone'. It sounds as though your family are upset that you lost the weight and they didn't. You did all the hard work. If your doctor tells you that you're well and you feel okay and well, then others shouldn't matter. Congrats on the weight loss!4
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I would have let him know that the issue is people making stupid judgements, not the weight loss, and that he needs to be having this discussion with the appropriate parties. You can also let him know that you have the rest of your life to look 20+, another year looking 15 isn't going to hurt anyone.4
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If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.2
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cerise_noir wrote: »I think you're doing just great and gave a fantastic mindset 'I'm not gaining weight for anyone'. It sounds as though your family are upset that you lost the weight and they didn't. You did all the hard work. If your doctor tells you that you're well and you feel okay and well, then others shouldn't matter. Congrats on the weight loss!DeviatedNorm wrote: »I would have let him know that the issue is people making stupid judgements, not the weight loss, and that he needs to be having this discussion with the appropriate parties. You can also let him know that you have the rest of your life to look 20+, another year looking 15 isn't going to hurt anyone.snowflake954 wrote: »If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.
Thank you all! I might just do that, snowflake954! 0 -
OP, challenge them to a foot race. lol.7
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snowflake954 wrote: »If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.
This. Go have a physical at a physician office complete with bloodwork - get your numbers done to show that your glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, et al are all good. Next time they complain, show them the test results and tell them to mind their beeswax.2 -
I'm sure that you were trying to be polite but there was no need for you to sit there and listen to this person tell you these things.
1) You are at a healthy weight. You are happy with it. That is what matters, period.
2) Whether or not people are gossiping about your parents is not your problem. If their friends are gossiping about them, they need better friends.
3) You are an adult. Do not let people make you feel less than, simply due to their insecurities or ignorance.
4) If somebody tries to do this with you again, whether it's your parents or their friend or your sister, simply say "This is not something that I am discussing with you." And then change the subject or leave. Continue to do it, do not back down. Show them that you are serious.
You've done well. Keep it up 7 -
A lot is probably just that people who know you well have one particular mental image of you and by looking different than that image, they see you differently than a stranger would.
A BMI of 20 is fine from a medical standpoint. Up to nobody else but you to decide if you like that weight from an aesthetic standpoint.4 -
jaynee7283 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.
This. Go have a physical at a physician office complete with bloodwork - get your numbers done to show that your glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, et al are all good. Next time they complain, show them the test results and tell them to mind their beeswax.
Actually, next time show them the test results and ask THEM to get THEIRS done- because you are worried about THEIR health and obesity. GO ON THE OFFENSIVE!3 -
My husband is obese (class 1) with about 50 lbs he's working on losing. My sister-in-law is morbidly obese (class 3) with at least 200 to lose to be at a healthy weight. She tells my husband how skinny he is quite frequently, and she comments how tiny I am and always has bags of candy to give me when we visit. The fact that my sister-in-law thinks my husband is skinny shows her distorted view of the world and says nothing about actual health. It really is perspective - because your family is overweight and in an environment where that's the norm, you not being their norm looks unhealthy and worrisome to them. Your weight is perfectly good for your height, and unless you show signs of being ill or a doctor expresses concern, keep doing what you're doing.5
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OP it sounds like you are on the right track and know what you're doing. Good job and keep it up!
You are at that transitional age from child to adult and it's not an easy, one-step process. I have 3 kids who are all in their mid to upper 20's and I remember this phase well for each of them. It's difficult for the child to view themselves as an adult (and act that way around their parents) and it's even harder for the parent to do so sometimes. Instead we tend to revert back to our well-known roles when we are together. Be consistent and over time you and your parents will adjust to your new roles.
Personally, I see this as the issue behind their concern about your weight loss and health. Sounds like you are perfectly healthy but giving up control of our children once they reach adulthood is harder for some than others. Give it time. Stand up for yourself and they will get used to your lifestyle.5 -
People having a habit of hearing what they want to hear and pay more attention to what they see.
I would suggest writing a letter to your parents, maybe including a couple of pictures of other females your age, height and weight side-by-side with pictures of other females that are your previous height/weight, asking them which looks like they are healthier. Point out how it makes you feel to be treated like an invalid when you are actually in a much healthier (and likely stronger) body than you used to be.
Also, I would write another kind of open letter to all the gossipers who are saying such negative things. In this letter, tell them about how you are eating healthier to take care of the only body you ever get, what healthy exercise you do, sharing any specific details you feel comfortable with and that would make your point. Include the same pictures as the other letter. Point out the harm their hurtful gossip is causing to your parents. Explain that you are an adult and are being responsible for your own life and health, including feeding yourself. Finish it off by requesting that they stop causing emotional harm with their incorrect assumptions and judgments. Then give multiple copies of this to your parents/relative to give out whenever anyone expresses "concern" for your health.1 -
People having a habit of hearing what they want to hear and pay more attention to what they see.
I would suggest writing a letter to your parents, maybe including a couple of pictures of other females your age, height and weight side-by-side with pictures of other females that are your previous height/weight, asking them which looks like they are healthier. Point out how it makes you feel to be treated like an invalid when you are actually in a much healthier (and likely stronger) body than you used to be.
Also, I would write another kind of open letter to all the gossipers who are saying such negative things. In this letter, tell them about how you are eating healthier to take care of the only body you ever get, what healthy exercise you do, sharing any specific details you feel comfortable with and that would make your point. Include the same pictures as the other letter. Point out the harm their hurtful gossip is causing to your parents. Explain that you are an adult and are being responsible for your own life and health, including feeding yourself. Finish it off by requesting that they stop causing emotional harm with their incorrect assumptions and judgments. Then give multiple copies of this to your parents/relative to give out whenever anyone expresses "concern" for your health.
I would just do the opposite - ignore the comments rather than get defensive over them. It's probably not the first and certainly won't be the last time others hold different opinions on how she should live her life. If she ignores them, they'll get over it in time.
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It's creepy that they invited a man over to evaluate your body's appearance. And they felt comfortable having this man talk to you about your body and improving it's appearance. It seems like he didn't mention anything about health, just... your appearance. This seems really inappropriate to me.
OP, you seem like a wonderful polite daughter. I can understand not wanting to upset your parents. I think you are doing great and congratulations on your weight loss and improved health. Keep doing what you want to do.6
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