I Thought Everything Was Okay? What Would You Do From Here?

DearestWinter

That man is a creep and also rude. He was evaluating your attractiveness - not your health. Which means your relative was sitting around going, "you know @neldabg was hotter when she had a few more pounds on her". So icky.

Everyone approaches weight loss from their own perspective. Someone who is chronically heavy tends to see heavy as the norm (perhaps less heavy than them but heavier than ideal) whereas someone who is thin sees thin as the norm. I've known obese people who called me a "skinny little thing" when I was borderline overweight. I've known thin people who have "encouraged" me to work out (or eat a salad) when I had a BMI of 23. (I was not impressed with those comments, btw.)

Then we get to family (and close friends) who sometimes act like they have a sense of ownership over your body and try to get you to change yourself so they feel better about themselves. Which is what it sounds like your family is doing. It doesn't matter whether they are genuinely worried or are trying to conceal some resentment that you've been able to do something they can't - what matters is that it isn't their business. If you are medically healthy and you feel good about yourself (or where you're heading) then what they think doesn't matter. Even if you weren't medically healthy then you're an adult and it's not their business. (Barring mental competency issues and such.)

If they try to pull this *kitten* again then I would say "I'm an adult. I have labs proving I'm healthy. I feel lousy when you make these comments and if you make a comment about my weight then I will walk away." Then follow through. Get up and leave the dinner table if they say something. If they enlist your creepy relative again then the moment he says something about your appearance say "I am an adult and I do not have to tolerate having my body criticized." and then walk away. Be consistent. Best wishes, OP!

JeromeBarry1

OP, One of my daughters, at the age of 13, was slim. At the age of 14, she was obese. At the age of 16, she started working 3 part-time jobs and on her 18th birthday she moved out to escape her mother, whom she detested. Of such are family dynamics. That daughter completed her RN studies after a year of sharing apartment expenses with some girl she'd found by some means, then started working as an RN and moved into a different apartment complex. She then proceeded to complete her BSN, get married, and complete her MSN. Then she started working as a Nurse Practitioner, bought a house, and then moved on in her career to become a orthopedic surgical first assist. During all that she kicked her husband back into school and got him into a good job. I admire that girl. She's freaking scary smart. I did not criticize or interfere with her plans to move out. She didn't even ask my opinion. In 11 years she has returned for 1 brief visit only to search for school records which she may have left in her old room. She never calls. Of such are family dynamics. We love her. We're proud of her. She's done with us. She had a gastric bypass a couple of years ago and lost most of her excess weight. Since she stopped using facebook, I don't know what's going on. I understand you have family dynamics. If you want to move on, move on. If you want to stay connected, stay connected. Just don't complain about which you choose.

Rushbrook60

I am totally gobsmacked at what your family/friends/neighbours are saying! I don't see where, in any of what was said, the applause was for your effort to get to your goal. It seems like everyone is focusing too much on what everyone else saying and really it sounds like jealousy that you achieved something that they didn't.

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you...remember that when some nasty piece of work is raining on your parade and bi*ch*ng about you behind your back.

Keep your chin up and carry on feeling fantastic about what you doing

joannemonette1

It sounds like they are behaving this way to satisfy themselves - instead of just being happy for you or expressing any appreciation for what you've been through. You're an adult and it's time they stopped ignoring your feelings or treating you like a child.

On the flipside - It's understandable that they are having trouble adjusting. They are trying to somehow feel as if they have some control - You're an adult of course - but you're also still young and they want to feel like you're still their child. I have a niece that I only see once in awhile - and it's hard to separate the child from the adult in my ahead (I love her to death - but I know better than to start judging her). Your parents might be going through the same thing - and they want to feel as if they somehow have some kind of say in what you can do with your life.

It's perfectly okay for you to speak up and voice your disapproval of their behavior in a firm but gentle way. Let them know that you've managed just fine without any of their input - and they need to see you as an adult and not a child any longer. Stand your ground -- but try to also see them as just trying to adjust to you seeing you as your own person now.

Good luck :-) (And congratulations on your weight loss! That's a big deal - and they REALLY need to recognize how much work that took!)

itsbasschick

if you're truly concerned, get a check-up from your regular doctor. then you can honestly tell your parents "look, i not only look and feel better, the doctor says i'm 100% healthy." if you're really worried, get a letter from your doctor and give a copy to your folks. they might be genuinely - although misguidedly - worried for you, and if they are, word from your doctor would allay their worries.

seems like your parents wanted a non-medical pro, non-fitness pro adult to come over and confirm their concerns. that not only seems pretty manipulative to me, but for god's sake, why would you listen to a person with no real knowledge about weight loss or health?

joannemonette1

Oh -- and just try to ignore the overly-concerned/controlling behavior from them -- they seem somewhat unfamiliar or unsure how to treat the *new you*. Someone losing weight on such an impressive scale is a little hard for them right now -- They only know how to view your changes as "sick" or "incapable". They may have grown up around others who weren't slender and they can't process it or know how to reconcile it with your old you.

Whatever you do, don't let it get to you -- CELEBRATE who you are now.

Your body has been through a lot -- And often when losing weight, it takes a little time for the rest of you to catch up - so to speak.

Don't worry about what others are thinking. Just be patient. Once they see that you can function just fine, they'll realize it's themselves that need to change - NOT YOU.

scolaris

Cut the apron strings in your own mind. It's not your problem what anyone thinks. I'd look into not moving back home again if I were you.

scolaris

Yeah I certainly wouldn't dignify what they are doing with a heartfelt letter and a bunch of visual exhibits. Bwaa ha ha. Nope!

rankinsect

scolaris wrote: »

Cut the apron strings in your own mind. It's not your problem what anyone thinks. I'd look into not moving back home again if I were you.

Yup.

OP - the best thing about this is you have complete and absolute control here. Your family can talk, and that's well within their rights. And it's well within your rights to choose your own path even if they recommend otherwise. That's part of what adulthood is all about - making decisions for yourself. While I think it's important to listen to others and not dismiss them out of hand, your life is yours, and you need to consider people's points of view but still make your own decisions to the best of your ability.

You don't have to try to get them to see your point of view because it really doesn't matter if they do or don't - unless they are going to kidnap you and force-feed you, and I doubt that, your diet is entirely within your control.

NewMEEE2016

I'm curious how things are going now. Did you try any of our suggestions? Has there been any change?

volcanogoddessan

I understand where you are coming from, to some extent I think it's family's misdirected concern but in a lot of ways I think people just need to have something to talk about. I was overweight most of my adolescence, most of my family is overweight as well and would warn me not to "end up like them", when I hit high school I lost a lot of weight and all I got were concerns that I was too thin and needed to eat more(although I was dancing 5 days a week and fitter than I'd ever been before or since). The point is that some people just talk and are NEVER happy unless they are complaining about something, and you can't let it bring you down. As far as treating you like a weakling I've experienced the same thing, at 4' 11" my family is always telling me to have someone else lift something or that I can't lift it myself or whatever it may be. I always just tell them (my personal example, I work at a petstore) "I lift 50 lb bags of dog food and 75 gallon tanks all day long I'm pretty sure I can lift *insert particular object here*" this usually gets them to back off, you could use your weight lifting as an example or something like that. I've found the more direct I am about telling them to back off(while still being polite) the more people leave me alone.

Lynzdee18

If you're happy and healthy , then all is well.

wizzybeth

I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think your parents are ASSUMING people are saying this about them, but not really. Nobody in their right mind would automatically assume you were being starved by your parents, especially since you have been away at college and are, for all intents and purposes, an independent adult.

STEVE142142

This is a tough one. All I can tell you is to love your family and friends but you have to do what's best for you.

From what I read in some of your posts it seems that your family has has a history of being overweight. Also In some cultures being overweight is acceptable and considered normal. I'm not sure how your grandparents or aunts and uncles are but if this is normal to be overweight in your family they just might accept it as normal.

When you talked about someone coming over and discussing your condition it almost sounded like the family was doing an intervention like they do for drug addicts or alcoholics.

I know some people mentioned seeing a doctor and getting the report but to me that would be a waste of time to even show it to him because it seems like it wouldn't fit into their belief mode and you could waive all the facts you want in front of them and they would still be in denial about it.

Like I initially stated all you can do is love them and live your life. It's your life and you made a decision to improve it and they can't accept that. Congrats on your success keep it up enjoy the journey