I Thought Everything Was Okay? What Would You Do From Here?
Replies
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OP, challenge them to a foot race. lol.7
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snowflake954 wrote: »If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.
This. Go have a physical at a physician office complete with bloodwork - get your numbers done to show that your glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, et al are all good. Next time they complain, show them the test results and tell them to mind their beeswax.2 -
I'm sure that you were trying to be polite but there was no need for you to sit there and listen to this person tell you these things.
1) You are at a healthy weight. You are happy with it. That is what matters, period.
2) Whether or not people are gossiping about your parents is not your problem. If their friends are gossiping about them, they need better friends.
3) You are an adult. Do not let people make you feel less than, simply due to their insecurities or ignorance.
4) If somebody tries to do this with you again, whether it's your parents or their friend or your sister, simply say "This is not something that I am discussing with you." And then change the subject or leave. Continue to do it, do not back down. Show them that you are serious.
You've done well. Keep it up
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A lot is probably just that people who know you well have one particular mental image of you and by looking different than that image, they see you differently than a stranger would.
A BMI of 20 is fine from a medical standpoint. Up to nobody else but you to decide if you like that weight from an aesthetic standpoint.4 -
jaynee7283 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If this keeps up and continues to bother you, go to your doctor and get a certificate saying that in his opinion you are healthy. Wave it under anyone's nose if they stick it in your business.
This. Go have a physical at a physician office complete with bloodwork - get your numbers done to show that your glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, et al are all good. Next time they complain, show them the test results and tell them to mind their beeswax.
Actually, next time show them the test results and ask THEM to get THEIRS done- because you are worried about THEIR health and obesity. GO ON THE OFFENSIVE!3 -
My husband is obese (class 1) with about 50 lbs he's working on losing. My sister-in-law is morbidly obese (class 3) with at least 200 to lose to be at a healthy weight. She tells my husband how skinny he is quite frequently, and she comments how tiny I am and always has bags of candy to give me when we visit. The fact that my sister-in-law thinks my husband is skinny shows her distorted view of the world and says nothing about actual health. It really is perspective - because your family is overweight and in an environment where that's the norm, you not being their norm looks unhealthy and worrisome to them. Your weight is perfectly good for your height, and unless you show signs of being ill or a doctor expresses concern, keep doing what you're doing.5
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OP it sounds like you are on the right track and know what you're doing. Good job and keep it up!
You are at that transitional age from child to adult and it's not an easy, one-step process. I have 3 kids who are all in their mid to upper 20's and I remember this phase well for each of them. It's difficult for the child to view themselves as an adult (and act that way around their parents) and it's even harder for the parent to do so sometimes. Instead we tend to revert back to our well-known roles when we are together. Be consistent and over time you and your parents will adjust to your new roles.
Personally, I see this as the issue behind their concern about your weight loss and health. Sounds like you are perfectly healthy but giving up control of our children once they reach adulthood is harder for some than others. Give it time. Stand up for yourself and they will get used to your lifestyle.5 -
People having a habit of hearing what they want to hear and pay more attention to what they see.
I would suggest writing a letter to your parents, maybe including a couple of pictures of other females your age, height and weight side-by-side with pictures of other females that are your previous height/weight, asking them which looks like they are healthier. Point out how it makes you feel to be treated like an invalid when you are actually in a much healthier (and likely stronger) body than you used to be.
Also, I would write another kind of open letter to all the gossipers who are saying such negative things. In this letter, tell them about how you are eating healthier to take care of the only body you ever get, what healthy exercise you do, sharing any specific details you feel comfortable with and that would make your point. Include the same pictures as the other letter. Point out the harm their hurtful gossip is causing to your parents. Explain that you are an adult and are being responsible for your own life and health, including feeding yourself. Finish it off by requesting that they stop causing emotional harm with their incorrect assumptions and judgments. Then give multiple copies of this to your parents/relative to give out whenever anyone expresses "concern" for your health.1 -
People having a habit of hearing what they want to hear and pay more attention to what they see.
I would suggest writing a letter to your parents, maybe including a couple of pictures of other females your age, height and weight side-by-side with pictures of other females that are your previous height/weight, asking them which looks like they are healthier. Point out how it makes you feel to be treated like an invalid when you are actually in a much healthier (and likely stronger) body than you used to be.
Also, I would write another kind of open letter to all the gossipers who are saying such negative things. In this letter, tell them about how you are eating healthier to take care of the only body you ever get, what healthy exercise you do, sharing any specific details you feel comfortable with and that would make your point. Include the same pictures as the other letter. Point out the harm their hurtful gossip is causing to your parents. Explain that you are an adult and are being responsible for your own life and health, including feeding yourself. Finish it off by requesting that they stop causing emotional harm with their incorrect assumptions and judgments. Then give multiple copies of this to your parents/relative to give out whenever anyone expresses "concern" for your health.
I would just do the opposite - ignore the comments rather than get defensive over them. It's probably not the first and certainly won't be the last time others hold different opinions on how she should live her life. If she ignores them, they'll get over it in time.
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It's creepy that they invited a man over to evaluate your body's appearance. And they felt comfortable having this man talk to you about your body and improving it's appearance. It seems like he didn't mention anything about health, just... your appearance. This seems really inappropriate to me.
OP, you seem like a wonderful polite daughter. I can understand not wanting to upset your parents. I think you are doing great and congratulations on your weight loss and improved health. Keep doing what you want to do.6 -
That man is a creep and also rude. He was evaluating your attractiveness - not your health. Which means your relative was sitting around going, "you know @neldabg was hotter when she had a few more pounds on her". So icky.
Everyone approaches weight loss from their own perspective. Someone who is chronically heavy tends to see heavy as the norm (perhaps less heavy than them but heavier than ideal) whereas someone who is thin sees thin as the norm. I've known obese people who called me a "skinny little thing" when I was borderline overweight. I've known thin people who have "encouraged" me to work out (or eat a salad) when I had a BMI of 23. (I was not impressed with those comments, btw.)
Then we get to family (and close friends) who sometimes act like they have a sense of ownership over your body and try to get you to change yourself so they feel better about themselves. Which is what it sounds like your family is doing. It doesn't matter whether they are genuinely worried or are trying to conceal some resentment that you've been able to do something they can't - what matters is that it isn't their business. If you are medically healthy and you feel good about yourself (or where you're heading) then what they think doesn't matter. Even if you weren't medically healthy then you're an adult and it's not their business. (Barring mental competency issues and such.)
If they try to pull this *kitten* again then I would say "I'm an adult. I have labs proving I'm healthy. I feel lousy when you make these comments and if you make a comment about my weight then I will walk away." Then follow through. Get up and leave the dinner table if they say something. If they enlist your creepy relative again then the moment he says something about your appearance say "I am an adult and I do not have to tolerate having my body criticized." and then walk away. Be consistent. Best wishes, OP!4 -
OP, One of my daughters, at the age of 13, was slim. At the age of 14, she was obese. At the age of 16, she started working 3 part-time jobs and on her 18th birthday she moved out to escape her mother, whom she detested. Of such are family dynamics. That daughter completed her RN studies after a year of sharing apartment expenses with some girl she'd found by some means, then started working as an RN and moved into a different apartment complex. She then proceeded to complete her BSN, get married, and complete her MSN. Then she started working as a Nurse Practitioner, bought a house, and then moved on in her career to become a orthopedic surgical first assist. During all that she kicked her husband back into school and got him into a good job. I admire that girl. She's freaking scary smart. I did not criticize or interfere with her plans to move out. She didn't even ask my opinion. In 11 years she has returned for 1 brief visit only to search for school records which she may have left in her old room. She never calls. Of such are family dynamics. We love her. We're proud of her. She's done with us. She had a gastric bypass a couple of years ago and lost most of her excess weight. Since she stopped using facebook, I don't know what's going on. I understand you have family dynamics. If you want to move on, move on. If you want to stay connected, stay connected. Just don't complain about which you choose.2
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I am totally gobsmacked at what your family/friends/neighbours are saying! I don't see where, in any of what was said, the applause was for your effort to get to your goal. It seems like everyone is focusing too much on what everyone else saying and really it sounds like jealousy that you achieved something that they didn't.
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you...remember that when some nasty piece of work is raining on your parade and bi*ch*ng about you behind your back.
Keep your chin up and carry on feeling fantastic about what you doing2 -
It sounds like they are behaving this way to satisfy themselves - instead of just being happy for you or expressing any appreciation for what you've been through. You're an adult and it's time they stopped ignoring your feelings or treating you like a child.
On the flipside - It's understandable that they are having trouble adjusting. They are trying to somehow feel as if they have some control - You're an adult of course - but you're also still young and they want to feel like you're still their child. I have a niece that I only see once in awhile - and it's hard to separate the child from the adult in my ahead (I love her to death - but I know better than to start judging her). Your parents might be going through the same thing - and they want to feel as if they somehow have some kind of say in what you can do with your life.
It's perfectly okay for you to speak up and voice your disapproval of their behavior in a firm but gentle way. Let them know that you've managed just fine without any of their input - and they need to see you as an adult and not a child any longer. Stand your ground -- but try to also see them as just trying to adjust to you seeing you as your own person now.
Good luck :-) (And congratulations on your weight loss! That's a big deal - and they REALLY need to recognize how much work that took!)2 -
if you're truly concerned, get a check-up from your regular doctor. then you can honestly tell your parents "look, i not only look and feel better, the doctor says i'm 100% healthy." if you're really worried, get a letter from your doctor and give a copy to your folks. they might be genuinely - although misguidedly - worried for you, and if they are, word from your doctor would allay their worries.
seems like your parents wanted a non-medical pro, non-fitness pro adult to come over and confirm their concerns. that not only seems pretty manipulative to me, but for god's sake, why would you listen to a person with no real knowledge about weight loss or health?2 -
Oh -- and just try to ignore the overly-concerned/controlling behavior from them -- they seem somewhat unfamiliar or unsure how to treat the *new you*. Someone losing weight on such an impressive scale is a little hard for them right now -- They only know how to view your changes as "sick" or "incapable". They may have grown up around others who weren't slender and they can't process it or know how to reconcile it with your old you.
Whatever you do, don't let it get to you -- CELEBRATE who you are now.
Your body has been through a lot -- And often when losing weight, it takes a little time for the rest of you to catch up - so to speak.
Don't worry about what others are thinking. Just be patient. Once they see that you can function just fine, they'll realize it's themselves that need to change - NOT YOU.1 -
Cut the apron strings in your own mind. It's not your problem what anyone thinks. I'd look into not moving back home again if I were you.2
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Yeah I certainly wouldn't dignify what they are doing with a heartfelt letter and a bunch of visual exhibits. Bwaa ha ha. Nope!4
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Cut the apron strings in your own mind. It's not your problem what anyone thinks. I'd look into not moving back home again if I were you.
Yup.
OP - the best thing about this is you have complete and absolute control here. Your family can talk, and that's well within their rights. And it's well within your rights to choose your own path even if they recommend otherwise. That's part of what adulthood is all about - making decisions for yourself. While I think it's important to listen to others and not dismiss them out of hand, your life is yours, and you need to consider people's points of view but still make your own decisions to the best of your ability.
You don't have to try to get them to see your point of view because it really doesn't matter if they do or don't - unless they are going to kidnap you and force-feed you, and I doubt that, your diet is entirely within your control.3 -
I'm curious how things are going now. Did you try any of our suggestions? Has there been any change?0
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