How to get my wife on board?

CattOfTheGarage

First of all, you have my sympathy. This sucks, because at the weights you're talking about there is a chance of health impacts in the short term, so I understand your anxiety.

However, I agree with others that you need to drop the subject. Speaking as a wife, and as the overweight one in the relationship, there is a huge, huge amount of insecurity there. I think every woman worries on some level about whether their partner finds her attractive, and a situation like this will massively exaggerate that. *she needs to know* that you still love her *as she is*. Overeating, in my case, is linked with unhappiness and insecurity, and it is very difficult for me to tackle it unless I am feeling confident. This is why it is such a vicious spiral. If your wife's position is similar, the best thing to can do for her is demonstrate your love and commitment to her, while carrying on taking care of your own health.

My own husband never challenges me about my weight or eating, even when I'm in a bad patch - if he did it would make it worse and put strain on our relationship, and he knows that. He gives me reassurance and love, and when I speak to him about wanting to lose weight and struggling with motivation, he offers ideas and support, and has now joined mfp to keep me company, though he doesn't need to lose weight and is aiming only to get from the top of the "normal" band to nearer the middle and then maintain. His approach is the best one he could take and really helps me. I would recommend it.

And always remember how many years you were in her exact position, and how long it took you to make the commitment to change. It doesn't happen all at once. And it's not like you haven't expressed how you feel about it. She knows. There's nothing to be gained by repeating it, and it may make matters worse.

shinycrazy

It took my husband 8 months of watching me lose and be successful before he came on board. He was always complaining how much he had gained during our relationship, but didn't do anything about it. I think the kicker was when I dropped below him in weight. Now he is on board and has lost 20 or 25lbs. I didn't convince him, he had to make the choice on his own. Just as you and I both made a choice to get healthy. Unfortunately, I think it has to come from her. I think maybe seeing a doctor together might help. Best of luck and congrats on your own progress.

Leauxra

You can make someone you love eat a *kitten* sandwich, and they'll eat it because they love you. But there's only so many *kitten* sandwiches they'll eat before they resent you.

My point being, even if you convince her, it's still not coming from inside her. Your relationship has the potential to be really strained over this. She has to do this on her own.

randomtai

Nothing good ever comes from these situations.

SLLRunner

CoffeeNCardio wrote: »

Carlos_421 wrote: »

1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.

I think I love you.

Yes......we all love him.

sarahlifts

She has to want it for herself. You cannot convince her. Talking to her about it will probably only push her to eat more and resent you.

Lead by example. Worry about your own plate.

Possibly when she sees your results over time she will come to you when she is physically, emotionally and mentally ready. Its also possible she will not.

I've been on my fitness journey for 3.5 years. My husband has been to the gym with me 3 times. He eats what he likes when he likes. He is about 215 at 5'11. He does not have any health issues.

I have no complaints. I love me some him! Exactly how he is. However, on his 38th birthday 1 week ago, he said, "Babe, I want to get in the gym and get strong and build, can you help me?"

He has seen my commitment to this lifestyle for 3 years and now he wants in. I've been waiting for him, quietly.

Do YOUR work and wait for her.

While HEALTH may be what is pushing you to want your wife to change, she will only do it when she wants to.

Some how it always breaks my heart to see people post things like this about their partner. You know what your partner is going through, you have been there. Just bc you have decided to change does not mean that they are ready. Have some compassion and empathy toward her.

SoDamnHungry

ShrinkinMel wrote: »

Ask her to walk with you. Start there.

Yep. Try to share your healthy lifestyle without putting pressure on her. Hopefully seeing you be healthier will encourage her to try.

nixxthirteen

Congrats OP, on all of your hard work!

I lost 50lbs with MFP before my SO and I officially started dating. Unfortunately a lot of things happened that caused me to gain a good chunk of it back. And I was honestly miserable! I felt I had lost control, and my confidence was the lowest it's basically ever been (when I was a bigger girl I managed to feel sexy, but once I lost the weight and bounced back up, it was impossible to get to that headspace again). I kept commenting on it, and it was so clear how unhappy I was.

One day my SO pulled me aside and we just started talking about it. And he said some things that hurt my feelings a little at the time, but he was right. I HAD put on weight, and I WAS upset about it, and he knew that I was capable of getting it back under control. So he promised to help me however he could, if that was something I wanted to do. And he's been nothing but supportive in his cooking, his restaurant choices, splitting desserts with me...

It's hard, though, to be in your place. Any kind of comments on a woman's weight, regardless of their intention, are bound to strike a nerve. She has to be READY before any kind of journey to lose weight can take place.

JessicaMcB

I think you've received some great advice so far OP.

When I hit my breaking point in February me and my husband were both of the same mind and doing it together, he was overeating hardcore when he'd go out of town for work, but together when we were together anyway. Then we bought our middle daughter new bedroom furniture, he wrecked his back moving it and gave up on the whole process for over a month and is struggling to get back on now (thankfully he somehow managed to maintain or gain a negligible amount in his time off the wagon). Not once have I gotten after him for it because (a) my husband is an intelligent, grown man, he is aware what health consequences accompany his weight, (b) our doctor was already all over him and (c) you can lead a horse to water by living by example, you cannot force him to drink your way of life agua.

So I'd definitely encourage her to see her doctor but I'd avoid getting pushy with her about it personally. So many people resist more when they feel they're being pressured into it. I wish the both of you lots of luck going forward into a healthier future together!

laur357

Try to plan some fun dates that are at least moderately active. Bowling, miniature golf, walking around a zoo or botanical garden, a day at the beach. Start getting some movement in together that isn't "exercise" in a strict sense.

Try cooking for a while - you said she doesn't like the "healthy food," and admittedly some of it is pretty bad. So she gets fast food while you eat your healthy food. I would suggest looking at sites like skinnytaste.com and learning a few recipes there. Things like chicken nuggets, chicken parmesan, stir-fry, oven fries, can still be pretty tasty because they keep the flavor (and some cheese!) of a heavier version you'd get deep-fried at a restaurant. There are also some really hearty things that are can easily be made in lower-calorie ways too. Chili, broccoli cheddar soup, fajitas, homemade pizza instead of delivery. Offering slightly lower calorie versions of what she normally eats might be a good way to get her on board (and maybe save money, since you two are eating completely separate meals).

skinnyforhi

Congrats on taking control of your life and your health- it sounds like it hasn't been easy. Can I offer a different perspective? Why in the world is your wife bringing fast food into the house every night at dinner at the same time that you are trying to address a major health issue- and it IS a major one? These are by no means vanity pounds. I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to cook healthy dinners every night. That's not a small task, and I'd be thrilled if my husband cooked a healthy meal every night. It sounds like she loves fast food, and she has the opportunity to eat those meals at lunch every day. Why is it necessary to do this at dinner as well? Especially when someone else is doing the cooking?

I'm sure your wife loves you deeply, and it's obvious she is worried you will lose weight and no longer find her attractive. That must be very difficult for her. I agree with the posters who said to show some empathy. But is it really pressuring her to change if you are only trying to figure out if you can share a nutritious meal together at the end of the day? Can you start there? That honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to me- I'm sure other people who have been in the same boat can offer much better advice than my post. But this is what occurred to me after reading your story.

jennifer_417

You can't expect her to change just because you're changing. She has to have her own "ah ha!" moment. Think about how you might have reacted if she suddenly started making all of these changes, and expected you the do all the same and started getting upset with you for not. She's simply being the same person she's always been.

dlkfox

Something for you both to watch is Cooked by Michael Pollan on Netflix. I highly recommend Episode 2: Water. It talks about industrial cooking, how it is so different from home cooking, and how the industry tries to engineer your cravings so they make more money.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4StYSEaXzA

Francl27

In my experience.. make sure she goes to her doctor check ups. That was the wake up call for me, honestly... but other than that, until she's ready, you'll just make her angry.

Maybe you can help in a way by asking her what she wants to eat and making it at home, just with less butter and oil.

Queenmunchy

Laur357 is right. My husband never complained about my food when we met because it's tasty. If someone made me change to steamed veggies and lean protein all the time I would be pretty resistant - and my meals are almost entirely based on non starchy vegetables. If she likes burgers and fries, make them. Bake some fries (seriously even my 8 year old makes them and likes them more than fast food fries), make burgers with lean meat (add in shredded veggies if you feel that it's not moist), 2% cheese is not much different than full fat, pita pizzas are super easy, baked wings, etc.

Other than that, I agree that you can't force her into anything. You can make foods that she likes and invite her out when you're active. She'll either join in or not.

randomtai

dlkfox wrote: »

Something for you both to watch is Cooked by Michael Pollan on Netflix. I highly recommend Episode 2: Water. It talks about industrial cooking, how it is so different from home cooking, and how the industry tries to engineer your cravings so they make more money.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4StYSEaXzA

What? No just no. :noway:

WBB55

My weight loss definitely led to resentment which led to my eventual divorce, in a roundabout way. But after I left, of course he started losing weight...

It's not about you, it's about her insecurity. Maybe read up on ways to help insecure people feel secure.

Have you ever heard of Maslow's Heiarchy of Needs? It's not a perfect theory, but if you look at it you'll see that at the base of it is physiological and safety needs. If for whatever reason (poor relationship with food, other issues) she feels insecure or unsafe with her own body or mental state, you telling her over and over you love her and won't leave her won't matter until she faces the base issues.

Most of the things YOU can "do" will only make her feel worse. Asking her to walk with you, like someone else suggested, is a great thing to do. Time together, doing something healthy.

Other than that... she might come to it eventually when she gets diabetes or someone close to her dies due to preventable lifestyle choices. Or, maybe you'll inspire her if you just do your thing.

I hope it works out.

Edit to add: my mom is 63, and I have spent a long time being frustrated with her unhealthy food situation. But in the end it only drives a wedge between us. Just love her for who she is. Understand that it's not you, it's her. Help her with her other issues, if those are easier for her to handle facing. Food... if she's like the people in my family, every feeling you feel is a reason to eat. Happy? Eat! Depressed? Eat! Bored? Eat! Food=love to my mom... you can't make her change her coping mechanisms, but you can ask her more about her mood and then listen to her.

DaniCanadian

You can't. Only she can make that choice. Focus on you, if she doesn't like your healthier choices then eat different meals. Maybe seeing you succeed will kick start her or it may not.

stealthq

skinnyforhi wrote: »

Congrats on taking control of your life and your health- it sounds like it hasn't been easy. Can I offer a different perspective? Why in the world is your wife bringing fast food into the house every night at dinner at the same time that you are trying to address a major health issue- and it IS a major one? These are by no means vanity pounds. I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to cook healthy dinners every night. That's not a small task, and I'd be thrilled if my husband cooked a healthy meal every night. It sounds like she loves fast food, and she has the opportunity to eat those meals at lunch every day. Why is it necessary to do this at dinner as well? Especially when someone else is doing the cooking?

I'm sure your wife loves you deeply, and it's obvious she is worried you will lose weight and no longer find her attractive. That must be very difficult for her. I agree with the posters who said to show some empathy. But is it really pressuring her to change if you are only trying to figure out if you can share a nutritious meal together at the end of the day? Can you start there? That honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to me- I'm sure other people who have been in the same boat can offer much better advice than my post. But this is what occurred to me after reading your story.

You are assuming that what he is cooking is something that she would want to eat. It didn't sound like that was the case from the original post. He said, she 'feels there needs to be a stick of butter in every dish for flavor' (or similar - I didn't go back to pull the exact quote).

If someone is cooking food I find tasteless, and I have the option, I'm not going to eat it. I'm going to go get something else, and it's going to be something that doesn't require me to use the kitchen because someone's already using it. If she's used to and likes a particular fast food meal, it's no surprise that's what she chooses.

If OP wants her to eat food he cooks, he's going to need to modify it for her tastes. He could provide condiments on the side, or use more spices to amp up flavor without fat, or add a bit more fat and just plan on eating a bite or two less. Alternatively, he could cook a different meal for her and do it to her tastes, not his diet.

OP, I feel for you. I think a number of people on here have had the experience of having family or friends that need to lose weight and wanting to help them. But the rest are right. Even with health concerns, you can't make her do it and pushing will get you the opposite response you want.

For me, the best course of action was to just do my own thing and do my best not to have a negative impact on anyone else. When people wanted to go to restaurants with high cal meals and belatedly offered to go somewhere else instead, I insisted we go to the place they wanted to anyway. Told them, "I can make it work, we can go anywhere". And I did. If I ate more than I wanted to, I didn't say anything about it, just made adjustments and kept going. And eventually they forgot about the diet part, and all they saw was me looking better, all they experienced was me in a good mood because I was feeling better physically and emotionally. And one day, they decided they wanted the same thing.*

*One day was months to more than a year later depending on the person, but it did happen eventually. Be patient

chocolate_owl

There's a lot of great advice in here, especially what Carlos said. One thing I'd like to add:

She's in a vulnerable, weak position right now. You're getting healthier. You appear independent (i.e. cooking for yourself, better mobility). She will feel more secure, and therefore more inclined to better herself, if you acknowledge things she does for you that you would struggle to do yourself. Keep the house clean? Manage your budget? Balance work and caring for an elderly relative? Highlight the ways in which she's self-sufficient and that you rely on her, and let her know how appreciated and valued she is.