How to get my wife on board?

Enjcg5

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them "sip the koolaid". Stay committed to your journey. Thats all you really can do right now.

jennyi27

Oh boy. Weight can be such a sensitive, emotional topic, especially for us women. She may be behaving the way she is for a number of reasons, like:

- she may be afraid of failure (especially since you are having success)
- if she does start a healthier lifestyle, she will be forced to confront her weight (which she may have been avoiding) and any negative emotions associated with it. after all, it can be easier to suppress those feelings rather than confront them
- self conscious about going to the gym
- maybe just the idea of changing everything about what she eats and how much is just too daunting

Really, it's hard to say what she's thinking, but I think you should keep this all in mind. As someone who struggles with your weight too, I think you definitely have an advantage in that you can probably relate to most of what she is feeling. I am the fat one in my marriage, and I know it bothered my husband to talk to me about it. I was always (and still am) extremely emotional about it. I wish he could have taken a more gentle approach with me (like @stephinator92 mentioned), but that is just not his personality. He sees everything so black and white - like a mathematical equation. Because he has always been a healthy weight, he didn't understand the emotional baggage that I had carried around my whole life because of my weight. I think you should be direct with her, but gentle. I will say, to my husband's credit, that even though he wasn't very gentle with me, he always told me that he knew I could do it. He said I was healthy and smart enough to know what was right and what was wrong, so he knew I could do it. That belief in me still helps to this day.

You both are young. You didn't mention if you have kids, but if you plan to have kids, I would definitely include that as part of the conversation. It is important for kids to witness healthy eating habits while growing up, she is more likely to have a safe pregnancy if she lost weight, and women who are overweight can face more obstacles in getting pregnant. Women who have kids or want them one day take this point pretty seriously, in general.

Good luck. I wish the best for you and your wife!

TnZMom

Don't want to assume anything about your relationship, but future pregnancy plans could explain things. If the two of you are thinking about having her carry a baby in the next few years, she might just be waiting til after giving birth.

Agree with the other posters who say not to bring up the issue. She already has and she was honest about her feelings of insecurity. If she brings up the issue herself in the future, just tell her that you support her and you aren't going to leave her.

Also, after some more months of seeing you lose weight while still eating delicious food, she might realize that she doesn't need to give up burgers forever in order to lose weight.

And like other people said, if she doesn't like what you cook, ask her what she would eat instead.

bellabonbons

CaptainJoy wrote: »

blackaheep4288 wrote: »

I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.

If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.

I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.

Fast food and eating out at restaurants is loaded with sodium and it's not healthy for the most part. She isn't forced to eat out she spoiled and she's not contributing to a healthy diet and healthy weight loss plan. If anyone should feel insecure it should be him. He has embarked upon a wonderful journey to get healthy and she is resisting him at every turn. I wish him all the very best life will be incredible for him once he loses his weight it will open up all kinds of wonderful opportunities for him and well deserved.

JessaWannaEatEverything

Try to have fun with her! Make your dates something that burns calories (hardy har har) instead of food. Positive reinforcement and not negative. The more you push the more she's going to get set in her ways.

Or let it be and see how things go. It's a decision she needs to make on her own.

My husband had this issue with his ex-wife. Not that this would happen in your marriage, but after he lost all the weight (320 to 170) their lifestyle ended up being such an issue that she wound up cheating on him with another overweight male. In my case I'm pretty happy they didn't work out because I got a great man, but in your case, you might want to be careful making this into a big deal. She needs to know you're not going to leave her and that you support her no matter what.

skinnyforhi

stealthq wrote: »

skinnyforhi wrote: »

Congrats on taking control of your life and your health- it sounds like it hasn't been easy. Can I offer a different perspective? Why in the world is your wife bringing fast food into the house every night at dinner at the same time that you are trying to address a major health issue- and it IS a major one? These are by no means vanity pounds. I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to cook healthy dinners every night. That's not a small task, and I'd be thrilled if my husband cooked a healthy meal every night. It sounds like she loves fast food, and she has the opportunity to eat those meals at lunch every day. Why is it necessary to do this at dinner as well? Especially when someone else is doing the cooking?

I'm sure your wife loves you deeply, and it's obvious she is worried you will lose weight and no longer find her attractive. That must be very difficult for her. I agree with the posters who said to show some empathy. But is it really pressuring her to change if you are only trying to figure out if you can share a nutritious meal together at the end of the day? Can you start there? That honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to me- I'm sure other people who have been in the same boat can offer much better advice than my post. But this is what occurred to me after reading your story.

You are assuming that what he is cooking is something that she would want to eat. It didn't sound like that was the case from the original post. He said, she 'feels there needs to be a stick of butter in every dish for flavor' (or similar - I didn't go back to pull the exact quote).

If someone is cooking food I find tasteless, and I have the option, I'm not going to eat it. I'm going to go get something else, and it's going to be something that doesn't require me to use the kitchen because someone's already using it. If she's used to and likes a particular fast food meal, it's no surprise that's what she chooses.

If OP wants her to eat food he cooks, he's going to need to modify it for her tastes. He could provide condiments on the side, or use more spices to amp up flavor without fat, or add a bit more fat and just plan on eating a bite or two less. Alternatively, he could cook a different meal for her and do it to her tastes, not his diet.

OP, I feel for you. I think a number of people on here have had the experience of having family or friends that need to lose weight and wanting to help them. But the rest are right. Even with health concerns, you can't make her do it and pushing will get you the opposite response you want.

For me, the best course of action was to just do my own thing and do my best not to have a negative impact on anyone else. When people wanted to go to restaurants with high cal meals and belatedly offered to go somewhere else instead, I insisted we go to the place they wanted to anyway. Told them, "I can make it work, we can go anywhere". And I did. If I ate more than I wanted to, I didn't say anything about it, just made adjustments and kept going. And eventually they forgot about the diet part, and all they saw was me looking better, all they experienced was me in a good mood because I was feeling better physically and emotionally. And one day, they decided they wanted the same thing.*

*One day was months to more than a year later depending on the person, but it did happen eventually. Be patient

Actually, I think I mentioned that she doesn't have to eat fast food every night at dinner. There's a lot of daylight between trying to meet in the middle with a healthy homecooked meal, and having 2 dinners every night- one of which is someone's second fast food meal of the day. Sometimes I think people forget that marriage is about compromise. My husband has a life-threatening seafood allergy. That was one of my staple foods. When we moved in together, it wasn't a question that I would stop eating seafood in our home. This isn't exactly the same, but it's not radically different- one person is trying to eliminate food that is killing him. Sometimes when you're married, you do things to benefit or support your partner. That can certainly include giving up fast food at dinner, or giving up cooking meals with a stick of butter. That's a small thing to do- it's one meal a day, and it's not the meals that they eat out. Sorry- but that's my opinion on marriage and compromise. He's doing the right thing for his health. She needs to do more to support him.

brenn24179

I know I would have wanted someone who would do things with me, cook with me, bike or walk with me, in other words help me, not criticize me like my parents did. I would like someone to say lets do this together. But also I have some heavy friends who don't want to do anything about their way so everyone is different.

rankinsect

Surely you can come to a food compromise. If you're eating overly restrictively, you don't need to. You can still make things like burgers and fries at home if you like - just make sure your portions are appropriate, and I usually bake the fries (which I guess no longer makes them "fries", but I can't really call them "bakes"). Nothing wrong with a good burger - it's a great source of protein and B12, and you can certainly add some veggies to the burger if you like.

You can make a meal she will enjoy, and control your portions so that you can stay on track, too.

mathiseasy

bellabonbons wrote: »

CaptainJoy wrote: »

blackaheep4288 wrote: »

I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.

If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.

I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.

Fast food and eating out at restaurants is loaded with sodium and it's not healthy for the most part. She isn't forced to eat out she spoiled and she's not contributing to a healthy diet and healthy weight loss plan. If anyone should feel insecure it should be him. He has embarked upon a wonderful journey to get healthy and she is resisting him at every turn. I wish him all the very best life will be incredible for him once he loses his weight it will open up all kinds of wonderful opportunities for him and well deserved.

He actually said in his OP that she was supporting him. She's resisting his pressure for her to change her own life, not his. She actually is contributing to his plan by grocery shopping for him.
She's an adult. She can make the decision to eat fast food; that is her prerogative. OP is trying to push her in a direction she is clearly not ready to go yet.
I feel like this post is trying to make her out to be a "bad guy" and I just don't think that's the dynamic here. I agree with previous posters that she's possibly feeling insecure not only about his losing weight but being replaced in the kitchen.

shortcdngirl

Congrats on the weight loss !! I personally don't agree with all the advice on boosting her confidence with constant I love you or beautiful etc. Telling your partner you love him or her is a given. Having to feed their ego or boost their confidence daily is emotionally exhausting.

Keep at what you are doing. This is for you not her. If she never catches on or joins you. That's her choice. She knows the health risks with being obese.

Even though its hard , you have to let others make their own decisions.

AnvilHead

It's worth reading this thread as a counterpoint to the OP - this is a wife who wants to know how to tell her well-meaning husband to back off: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10398354/how-to-tell-well-meaning-husband-to-back-off#latest


Serious talk, OP - if you want to stay (a) happily (b) married, leave it alone. You can't get somebody "on board" if they don't want to be "on board". In many cases the harder you push, the harder they'll push back and it just becomes a battle. Not worth it if preserving the domestic peace is any part of your intentions.

ninerbuff

She has to convince herself. Everyone including experts can give her all the correct and legitimate reasons to do it, but it has to be her to make the decision.

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