How to get my wife on board?

blackaheep4288

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We're both 26. When we were married I weighed 375lbs and she was at 300. I've been dieting off and on for our entire relationship. I finally hit my breaking point when the dr told me I was at 418lbs in Feb. I had no idea... My scale would no longer weigh me... I've seen people on tv say they didn't understand how they allowed themselves to get so big. I was that person... I had to change.

I started my lifestyle change on the 18th of Feb. I'm now down 60lbs. I've cut out most crap food... Although I still have my chinese every few weeks and eat whatever I was as long as I'm checking my portions. My wife and I go to dinner maybe twice a week and always at a place with a low calorie menu. My wife does support me to a point. She encourages me to get up and go to the gym(I try to do at least 2 miles every other day), and she does buy the food that I need to maintain my choice of lifestyle. I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals. Usually it's a double quarter pounder with a Lg coke and Lg fry for both lunch and dinner. I'm not sure what her current weight it.. I just know that it's now more than I weigh.

How do I convince her that she's killing herself? If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread than I eat in the entire meal. Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me. I know that I've only been at this for 99 days but I feel like I've made the commitment and am following through with what I said I would do. We both have office jobs so we sit all day. Both offices have a free gym on site. She told me the other day that her biggest fear was that I would lose a lot of weight, divorce her, and go find a skinny girl. I don't want to do that. I love my wife very much. However, I have no intentions of becoming a widower by the time we're 35. Does anyone have any ideas on how to help her get off this road she's on?

kshama2001

How do I convince her that she's killing herself?

I don't think this should come from you. Insist she go to her doctor and that you come. Have the doctor tell her the medical consequences of the path she is on and then get a referral to a dietitian. (Yes, your way would work but if she wanted to do it your way she already would have.)

an0nemus

You can't convince her. Certainly in the short term you can, but in the long term she has to come to this conclusion on her own.

Also, becareful how you approach it. If the wife thinks you're lording it over her it can breed resentment and more resistance to change.

SLLRunner

Congratulations on your weight loss! Great job!

As for your wife, you can't convince her. You can only work on yourself and hope she might want to become healthier. Also, I encourage you to not say anything more about what she eats and to focus 100% on your journey toward heath. She will either follow or she won't.

85Cardinals

Good luck with that, damn. Everything I tried with my fat ex-wife didn't work. Have you seen the film Days of Wine and Roses? Sometimes you just can't help people, as much as you want to.

stephinator92

I try very hard to get healthy and get others on board with me, including my boyfriend. It took 3 full years to get him to set foot in a gym with me. I understand how discouraging it could be when others either aren't on board with you, drag you down, make life more difficult or just refuse to make positive changes in their lives.

From a female perspective, the only way I could see this coming through effectively would be for you to do the following:

1. Tell her she's beautiful. Every single day.
2. Make her feel beautiful and get rid of any doubt she may have in your relationship.
3. Make sure you tell her you love her every single day
4. After a week or two of this (I hope you're already doing this stuff), sit her down and tell her how much you love her. Explain in a heartfelt, non-judgemental, unrehearsed way that you genuinely care about her and you're worried about her health. Ask her if she'd be willing to make a small change, like getting a medium instead of a large when she goes to McDonald's. If she's amenable, in another couple weeks maybe you can work on another small change. Tell her you want a long life with her and you're concerned about her best interests. Make sure you tell her that her weight does not impact the way that you feel about her and that you love her at any size. Make sure she knows that you don't care if she's overweight, but you're concerned about her being healthy.

Obviously this isn't foolproof, but anything that comes across judgemental or as an attack will not work because she will immediately get defensive. Instead of "You don't care about your health" type of statements, talk about how YOU feel. Example: "I feel helpless because I want you to be healthy so we can have a long life together."

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

SLLRunner

stephinator92 wrote: »

I try very hard to get healthy and get others on board with me, including my boyfriend. It took 3 full years to get him to set foot in a gym with me. I understand how discouraging it could be when others either aren't on board with you, drag you down, make life more difficult or just refuse to make positive changes in their lives.

From a female perspective, the only way I could see this coming through effectively would be for you to do the following:

1. Tell her she's beautiful. Every single day.
2. Make her feel beautiful and get rid of any doubt she may have in your relationship.
3. Make sure you tell her you love her every single day
4. After a week or two of this (I hope you're already doing this stuff), sit her down and tell her how much you love her. Explain in a heartfelt, non-judgemental, unrehearsed way that you genuinely care about her and you're worried about her health. Ask her if she'd be willing to make a small change, like getting a medium instead of a large when she goes to McDonald's. If she's amenable, in another couple weeks maybe you can work on another small change. Tell her you want a long life with her and you're concerned about her best interests. Make sure you tell her that her weight does not impact the way that you feel about her and that you love her at any size. Make sure she knows that you don't care if she's overweight, but you're concerned about her being healthy.

Obviously this isn't foolproof, but anything that comes across judgemental or as an attack will not work because she will immediately get defensive. Instead of "You don't care about your health" type of statements, talk about how YOU feel. Example: "I feel helpless because I want you to be healthy so we can have a long life together."

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

As to the bold above:

While I can tell this is heartfelt and that you mean well, trying to change somebody else never turns out well. I suspect the more he tries to change her, the more she will resist. Another person has no business trying to convince another adult what they should or should not eat, or even how much.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone once that you're concerned about their health, and this would include obesity issues, but anymore than that is trying to control another person, and it does come across as judgmental.

The thing is.....it's obvious from the original post that he cares that she's obese because it's affecting her health, so saying otherwise would be a lie.

dlkfox

The short answer is that you can't convince her. That has to come from inside herself. In the meantime, you tell her how much you love her and think she is beautiful every single day.

I wonder if you can convince her to eat your cooking once a week...or twice a week?

stephinator92

SLLRunner wrote: »

stephinator92 wrote: »

I try very hard to get healthy and get others on board with me, including my boyfriend. It took 3 full years to get him to set foot in a gym with me. I understand how discouraging it could be when others either aren't on board with you, drag you down, make life more difficult or just refuse to make positive changes in their lives.

From a female perspective, the only way I could see this coming through effectively would be for you to do the following:

1. Tell her she's beautiful. Every single day.
2. Make her feel beautiful and get rid of any doubt she may have in your relationship.
3. Make sure you tell her you love her every single day
4. After a week or two of this (I hope you're already doing this stuff), sit her down and tell her how much you love her. Explain in a heartfelt, non-judgemental, unrehearsed way that you genuinely care about her and you're worried about her health. Ask her if she'd be willing to make a small change, like getting a medium instead of a large when she goes to McDonald's. If she's amenable, in another couple weeks maybe you can work on another small change. Tell her you want a long life with her and you're concerned about her best interests. Make sure you tell her that her weight does not impact the way that you feel about her and that you love her at any size. Make sure she knows that you don't care if she's overweight, but you're concerned about her being healthy.

Obviously this isn't foolproof, but anything that comes across judgemental or as an attack will not work because she will immediately get defensive. Instead of "You don't care about your health" type of statements, talk about how YOU feel. Example: "I feel helpless because I want you to be healthy so we can have a long life together."

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

As to the bold above:

While I can tell this is heartfelt and that you mean well, trying to change somebody else never turns out well. I suspect the more he tries to change her, the more she will resist. Another person has no business trying to convince another adult what they should or should not eat, or even how much.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone once that you're concerned about their health, and this would include obesity issues, but anymore than that is trying to control another person, and it does come across as judgmental.

The thing is.....it's obvious from the original post that he cares that she's obese because it's affecting her health, so saying otherwise would be a lie.

I tried to think about it like if my boyfriend were having this conversation with me and how I would want to be spoken to. It's honestly a tricky situation, but I did my best! What I meant by "don't care if she's overweight" had to do with looks, not health. I guess maybe making a suggestion if she becomes amenable would be a better choice than forcing anything upon her.

SLLRunner

stephinator92 wrote: »

SLLRunner wrote: »

stephinator92 wrote: »

I try very hard to get healthy and get others on board with me, including my boyfriend. It took 3 full years to get him to set foot in a gym with me. I understand how discouraging it could be when others either aren't on board with you, drag you down, make life more difficult or just refuse to make positive changes in their lives.

From a female perspective, the only way I could see this coming through effectively would be for you to do the following:

1. Tell her she's beautiful. Every single day.
2. Make her feel beautiful and get rid of any doubt she may have in your relationship.
3. Make sure you tell her you love her every single day
4. After a week or two of this (I hope you're already doing this stuff), sit her down and tell her how much you love her. Explain in a heartfelt, non-judgemental, unrehearsed way that you genuinely care about her and you're worried about her health. Ask her if she'd be willing to make a small change, like getting a medium instead of a large when she goes to McDonald's. If she's amenable, in another couple weeks maybe you can work on another small change. Tell her you want a long life with her and you're concerned about her best interests. Make sure you tell her that her weight does not impact the way that you feel about her and that you love her at any size. Make sure she knows that you don't care if she's overweight, but you're concerned about her being healthy.

Obviously this isn't foolproof, but anything that comes across judgemental or as an attack will not work because she will immediately get defensive. Instead of "You don't care about your health" type of statements, talk about how YOU feel. Example: "I feel helpless because I want you to be healthy so we can have a long life together."

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

As to the bold above:

While I can tell this is heartfelt and that you mean well, trying to change somebody else never turns out well. I suspect the more he tries to change her, the more she will resist. Another person has no business trying to convince another adult what they should or should not eat, or even how much.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone once that you're concerned about their health, and this would include obesity issues, but anymore than that is trying to control another person, and it does come across as judgmental.

The thing is.....it's obvious from the original post that he cares that she's obese because it's affecting her health, so saying otherwise would be a lie.

I tried to think about it like if my boyfriend were having this conversation with me and how I would want to be spoken to. It's honestly a tricky situation, but I did my best! What I meant by "don't care if she's overweight" had to do with looks, not health. I guess maybe making a suggestion if she becomes amenable would be a better choice than forcing anything upon her.

I understand.

wizzybeth

You can't. She has to come to this decision just like you yourself did. The important thing, IMHO, is for you to continue to love her, and support her.... especially as you lose more weight and become more healthy. She may very well feel threatened and insecure as you change your lifestyle. It is important that she know your love for her is just as strong and genuine.

RodaRose

blackaheep4288 wrote: »

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We're both 26. When we were married I weighed 375lbs and she was at 300. I've been dieting off and on for our entire relationship. I finally hit my breaking point when the dr told me I was at 418lbs in Feb. I had no idea... My scale would no longer weigh me... I've seen people on tv say they didn't understand how they allowed themselves to get so big. I was that person... I had to change.

I started my lifestyle change on the 18th of Feb. I'm now down 60lbs. I've cut out most crap food... Although I still have my chinese every few weeks and eat whatever I was as long as I'm checking my portions. My wife and I go to dinner maybe twice a week and always at a place with a low calorie menu. My wife does support me to a point. She encourages me to get up and go to the gym(I try to do at least 2 miles every other day), and she does buy the food that I need to maintain my choice of lifestyle. I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals. Usually it's a double quarter pounder with a Lg coke and Lg fry for both lunch and dinner. I'm not sure what her current weight it.. I just know that it's now more than I weigh.

How do I convince her that she's killing herself? If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread than I eat in the entire meal. Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me. I know that I've only been at this for 99 days but I feel like I've made the commitment and am following through with what I said I would do. We both have office jobs so we sit all day. Both offices have a free gym on site. She told me the other day that her biggest fear was that I would lose a lot of weight, divorce her, and go find a skinny girl. I don't want to do that. I love my wife very much. However, I have no intentions of becoming a widower by the time we're 35. Does anyone have any ideas on how to help her get off this road she's on?

Over the course of a marriage, it is rare for both partners to be in the exact same place all the time.
Your marriage is in a phase that will change and something after than will change too.
She will come around in time. For now, leave her alone about food.There is a chance that you can get her to do some physical activity with you: walk, swim, . . .

BTW, lots of us are who are losing weight skip breakfast. There is nothing magical about eating breakfast.

tonkacrew3

stephinator92 wrote: »

From a female perspective, the only way I could see this coming through effectively would be for you to do the following:

1. Tell her she's beautiful. Every single day.
2. Make her feel beautiful and get rid of any doubt she may have in your relationship.
3. Make sure you tell her you love her every single day
4. After a week or two of this (I hope you're already doing this stuff), sit her down and tell her how much you love her.

I can tell you from a wife's perspective that your wife is probably terrified. Food is her comfort and her means of coping. Fear of losing you, as her husband, fear of the loss of control, fear of the commitment and restrictions that "diet" may require... all of that and more may be in her heart. Make sure she knows your love! Make sure that she knows that the things she is feeling are okay to feel but that your love for her is stronger than all those feelings.

Then... do some research together. Find out what kind of health lifestyle she feels she could live with and compromise if it's not quite the same as your choice. Look into hobbies and things you could do together as a couple to lose weight....not just "exercise". Does she like dancing? Bike riding? Bowling? Skating? What kinds of healthy foods would she enjoy eating? Can you learn how to make healthier versions of comfort food together? (By the way...it probably hurt her that you took over the cooking and chose your food instead of hers). Make recipes together and look up healthy recipes together. Pinterest is a great source of finding healthy recipes that both of you might like.

Make your lifestyle fun and something she would be drawn to doing with you. Don't make it seem like this is a life or death choice that she has to come on board with you about. Draw her to your lifestyle and include her in your fun. Make sure she KNOWS that you love her no matter what. Remember...this is a journey. Enjoy it!

heatherheyns

You can't. And try to see it from her point of view. You talk about how you didn't realize you'd gotten so big. What if two years ago she'd told you that you needed to lose weight. I'm sure you'd heard it from others, and it never went well, did it? You didn't change until YOU were ready to. She will be the same. People only change when they want to. Focus on you and your journey, and she will decide if she wants to do the same on her own terms and timeline.

cbihatt

I agree with everyone who is saying that there is nothing you can say that will convince her to lose weight. She is an adult and will make her own choices. I will suggest that you stop judging her food choices and guessing how much she weighs. Only trouble lies that way. Just do your own thing and be glad for her support. In time, she may very well decide to change just by virtue of your example. But, if not, you don't want to start nagging her because it will only make her resent you.

JeromeBarry1

My wife is about half the weight of your wife, also enjoys drinking her calories, is past 50, has suffered the ravages of a Coca-Cola addiction (arthritis), and poor nutrition (eczema), and has no desire to live a healthy life despite seeing her mother die of cancer, her father broke down from obesity, or her uncle die young from obesity. What you lacked 100 days ago is what your wife lacks today, and that is knowledge. Keep demonstrating that eating sensibly and exercising moderately makes you healthy and handsome. Talk about how easy it is. She'll eventually decide that her god-given right as an American to stuff her face with conspicuously consumptive calories is not something she needs to allow to control her life. You have to show the way. You have to lead. You have to help her overcome her fear of the unknown. There's more going on in her head than old habits. Unpack it. Untangle it. Good luck.

rkcampbell

The best thing you can do is work on you. I was 240 and my husband around 280. I joined a weight loss challenge at church and began losing steadily. At first he was resistant but then he actually became jealous of all the attention I was getting. Because of this he jumped on the wagon. He is now 168 and I am trying to catch him!!!! (I'm 172). He lost over 100 pounds solely from watching me and how it affected my life and about 4-5 months into MY journey he came to me and asked me to set him up an account. If you make the changes for you, she is likely to become intrigued and follow suit. Good luck!!!!

Anaris2014

As a person in a similar position, there's no way to convince her.

The best I can suggest (and this is something that I have tried in my situation) is to convince her to eat the meals that you cook. not for the health benefits, but for the financial benefits and for the bonding benefits. Tell her the truth, you want to cook things and share meals together - ask what it is that she doesn't like about the meals that you're cooking.

Focus on the bonding over food and less on the content of the meals (to begin with). Make sure that she doesn't fear the food, but sees it as something that you can do together. Importantly, remind her that your weight loss is about you, and things that are important to you. Invite her to be a part of that if she wants to.

You can't change her view. You can't change her mind by asking her to change.

Look after yourself too, mate. I know how easy it is to "go back to the old ways" when that temptation is present at every meal. Keep up the amazing work you have done for yourself.

pebble4321

Just tell her you love her and that you want a long life together.
Keep making healthy choices for you, and let her choose her own options.

It's great that you are doing the cooking, but maybe there is a middle ground where you can find things that you both like to eat - and that make her feel included and not lectured every dinner time. If you are planning steak and salad - make it a delicious salad with some extras (dressing, nuts, cheese) on the side and then each of you can build your own salad with the bits/quantities that you like. Or serve some buns on the side so she can eat hers as a burger if she wants too. Or with baked potatoes with optional toppings. Keep your eyes on your own plate and let her eat what she chooses.

I can hear the sincerity coming through in your post and it really seems as though you are coming from a place of love, but that still doesn't mean that she's going to listen to you. Even if you are right (and I suspect you are!).
In fact, it's probably even harder if you are right, because that's forcing her to face the bad choices she's made/is making and is pushing her towards change when its not of her choosing.

jgnatca

I have recently started going on timed runs with my daughter. Someone asked if we ran together and I said, "No. We hug at the beginning, high-five on her return trip, and hug at the end. It's just too difficult for two people with a different pace to try and stay together." There's a life lesson in there. People move at their own pace. You lived in a denial fog for many years until you had your light bulb moment. She just hasn't had hers yet.

Hubby and I have had various interest in fitness over the years, but we rarely are at the same place. When we met he was buff and went to the gym regularly. Then three years ago, I had my epiphany, and I'm a much fitter person today. In between hubby turned in to a couch potato making all the right sounds about getting in shape but not doing anything about it. For the past three years hubby's big contribution is that he did not get in my way and let me do my own thing. Sometimes we will walk together to the local convenience store for an ice-cream. He definitely has more health issues than I do now, and he's slowly starting to make changes.

So I suggest you celebrate your life partner for who she is now, and celebrate those moments when she chooses to join you. If she asks for help and advice, be available. It's not like you're living under a rock. She can see the positive changes you are making.

Mikachu326

Talk to her. Sit her down and tell her you love her and appreciate the way she's been supporting you. Then gently express your concern for her health, talk about how much better and healthier you feel, and tell her that you want her to start to feel better too. If she becomes defensive, suggest she see a doctor (doctors have an objective point of view and she may not become as defensive with them).

Include her in your fitness journey as well. Offer to go on walks with her or introduce her to a fun sport. Get her in the kitchen and see if you two can create healthier versions of her favourite takeout foods that she will enjoy.

Ultimately though, she is an adult and will live her life as she pleases. Your views and hers may not always align, and weight loss may be one thing you and your wife will not see eye-to-eye on. The best thing you can do is focus on your own health and fitness. Best of luck!

billmudge59

No mention if you still find her attractive. A loss of attraction complicates things. Sometimes the person who loses the weight suddenly feels entitled to having a more attractive partner, and the resentment starts and builds and things can end badly (affairs, divorce, etc..).

try2again

heatherheyns wrote: »

You can't. And try to see it from her point of view. You talk about how you didn't realize you'd gotten so big. What if two years ago she'd told you that you needed to lose weight. I'm sure you'd heard it from others, and it never went well, did it? You didn't change until YOU were ready to. She will be the same. People only change when they want to. Focus on you and your journey, and she will decide if she wants to do the same on her own terms and timeline.

Exactly my thoughts. OP, apparently you weren't ready until 99 days ago to make changes. Why would you expect her to be on your same timetable? Her journey- if she makes one- will happen on her own.

Lounmoun

blackaheep4288 wrote: »

How do I convince her that she's killing herself? If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread than I eat in the entire meal. Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me. I know that I've only been at this for 99 days but I feel like I've made the commitment and am following through with what I said I would do. We both have office jobs so we sit all day. Both offices have a free gym on site. She told me the other day that her biggest fear was that I would lose a lot of weight, divorce her, and go find a skinny girl. I don't want to do that. I love my wife very much. However, I have no intentions of becoming a widower by the time we're 35. Does anyone have any ideas on how to help her get off this road she's on?

This is tricky. As others have said it has to come when the person is ready and she is defensive already. She knows already you'd like her to lose weight. Don't talk about food or exercise with her. Tell her you love her. Say how much you like doing things with her.
Your wife seems insecure and probably feels bad about herself. Maybe she has some emotional or mental stuff to work through before she is ready to make a lot of changes. Maybe counseling could help.


I really lost weight when I was tired of not being able to keep up with my family, being in pain a lot of the time, and feeling scared that I would end up stuck in a chair or bed. Not how I want to live. I knew I was overweight long before that point.

Carlos_421

1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.

ifoundnemo434

She simply has to find the desire & motivation herself, just like you did. Just keep setting a good example for her and I'm sure she'll soon follow. Just don't push too much!

CoffeeNCardio

Carlos_421 wrote: »

1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.

I think I love you.

bellabonbons

Actually if I am to be honest, your wife is sabotaging your efforts and she is acting irresponsible. A marriage is a commitment and there needs to be willingness to make decisions to make the marriage healthy and strong. I have an eating disorder's therapist in my family and I am convinced that she would agree that your wife will continue to sabotage your efforts. She is making it very clear that she has no desire to be responsible and to change. The very best and most healthy that you can do for yourself is to stay with your diet and get yourself in shape. Hopefully she will join you but if she doesn't, that is her choice. And sadly in cases such as this there are always consequences. You sound amazing. You sound very dedicated and also interested in her well-being. I wish you the best and I applaud you for your efforts. You are doing something amazing for yourself. From what you have described it's going to remain challenging.
I would encourage you not to spend too much time trying to convince her. She is making it very clear to you that she is not willing. Stay with your plan and look forward to your bright and healthy future. Taking responsibility for yourself and losing the weight is going to open up many new and exciting possibilities for you.

Madwife2009

Your wife needs to work this out on her own and reach her own decision about weight loss. I second the advice about not trying to persuade her to change things as it will backfire on you.

I was talking to someone I see regularly who is overweight and has noticed that I've lost a considerable amount. I've been answering her questions as best I can, bearing in mind that I am no expert and only have my own experience to go by. I suggested that she take a look at this site as she genuinely seemed interested. I saw her again a week later and we talked again, so I asked if she'd visited this site and was told no. She also said that she was resisting making any changes at all as both of her children were nagging her to improve her health.

I would also say that you should keep going with your own plans. My husband wasn't interested in doing anything about his weight when I started trying to improve my health and weight but my continued efforts have had an impression on him as he's now half-heartedly making changes. One thing he does do with me, every day, is to go for a long walk. He's also thinking about what he eats, and how much. So although he's not as committed as I am, he's starting to make changes and has lost about 30 lbs over the last ten months. I don't nag him, or try to "encourage" him at all - he's an adult capable of making his own choices and does what he wants to do. Yes, I worry about his health but I can't force him to change. That has to come from within himself. Only then will the change be effective.

LKArgh

OP, people change. If and when they are ready, they want to and regardless of what others want. Express your concerns and leave it at this. She might change or she might not. She might lose weight, or she might gain more. You might end up having completely different lifestyles in 10 years from now, or not. You might leave her or she might leave you or you might be together until your old age. You can only control your own choices. You cannot control her decisions and you cannot even control your feelings. Focus on yourself for now. Do not let her hold you back. And do not nag her.

ShrinkinMel

Ask her to walk with you. Start there.