How to get my wife on board?
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Well done on keeping up with the program, loosing your 60pounds and thinking about your loved one's health in the process.
I agree with a lot of what everyone above has said, making changes can be hard and having someone that you love change too can also bring added anxiety.
Truth is pretty much the only option as well; perhaps tell her that your worried and that you would like to both be healthy (emphasis on health), then why not ask her for her help? You are now battling with this and she is the only one who can help you to get over it. It could be something as simple as not eating fast food 1 day a week, or finding an active hobby that you both could enjoy and then hopefully you could set yourselves a weekly challenge and who ever 'wins' gets a little treat (not necessarily food) for instance you could challenge yourselves to eat green vegetables once a day for a week.
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blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.11 -
tonkacrew3 wrote: »
Look into hobbies and things you could do together as a couple to lose weight....not just "exercise". Does she like dancing? Bike riding? Bowling? Skating? What kinds of healthy foods would she enjoy eating? Can you learn how to make healthier versions of comfort food together? (By the way...it probably hurt her that you took over the cooking and chose your food instead of hers). Make recipes together and look up healthy recipes together. Pinterest is a great source of finding healthy recipes that both of you might like.
Make your lifestyle fun and something she would be drawn to doing with you. Don't make it seem like this is a life or death choice that she has to come on board with you about. Draw her to your lifestyle and include her in your fun. Make sure she KNOWS that you love her no matter what. Remember...this is a journey. Enjoy it!
This is excellent advice.
It seems like you really love your wife and care about her well-being, so any activities that you could enjoy together while being a bit more physically active might be a nice thing to do, regardless of whether she is aiming to lose any weight. This could help her to see that she might enjoy being a little more healthy (and even if it doesn't help her have a light bulb moment, there is nothing lost because you both just spent time enjoying each others company!)
Best of luck to you both
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First of all your wife knows very well that she is fat and needs to lose weight--she is not ready yet.
Congratulations on your commitment and loss--this is for you, so you do you. Don't give up.
Never mention her weight. Tell her that you love her often, and show her--a bouquet of flowers (even wild ones picked on a walk or run), a hug now and then.
Invite her to go walking with you every time you go. When she says "no", just smile and say "OK, maybe next time" and go out the door.
When you eat together, never look at what she's eating, or judge it, even in your mind--women are mind readers.
When you cook for yourself ask her if you can make her something and ask what she would like. Tell her you love cooking.
Other people will be mentioning her weight, and especially her doctor. Understand that she will be depressed about it, and comfort her.
When she finally decides to do something about HER situation--be cautious, don't overly praise, just be supportive.
OP-this is all very hard to do. I feel for you, but if you want to keep her, you have to love her as is--always.11 -
CaptainJoy wrote: »blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.
This is probably the second most on-point thing said in this thread (the first being what @Carlos_421 said in the first place)! Anyone would be resistant to making changes in this situation. It is true that you do need to look after your own health, but it is also true that you need to nurture your marriage. You have to find a way for those two things to coexist. To THAT end, @snowflake954 made some really great points (although I'd offer hugs at every available opportunity not just 'now and then' haha
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snowflake954 wrote: »First of all your wife knows very well that she is fat and needs to lose weight--she is not ready yet.
Congratulations on your commitment and loss--this is for you, so you do you. Don't give up.
Never mention her weight. Tell her that you love her often, and show her--a bouquet of flowers (even wild ones picked on a walk or run), a hug now and then.
Invite her to go walking with you every time you go. When she says "no", just smile and say "OK, maybe next time" and go out the door.
When you eat together, never look at what she's eating, or judge it, even in your mind--women are mind readers.
When you cook for yourself ask her if you can make her something and ask what she would like. Tell her you love cooking.
Other people will be mentioning her weight, and especially her doctor. Understand that she will be depressed about it, and comfort her.
When she finally decides to do something about HER situation--be cautious, don't overly praise, just be supportive.
OP-this is all very hard to do. I feel for you, but if you want to keep her, you have to love her as is--always.
I agree with Carlos and Snowflake. The wife has lost her "soft place to fall" and is feeling displaced, abandoned and vulnerable. When I had gained quite a bit, I remember I was struggling with not fitting into my clothes. My husband overheard me crying, "I can't even wear my pants tucked in because my belt doesn't fit". He came over, gave me a big hug and reassured me that, "Everything will be okay."
Sometimes we don't need answers or coaching. If hubby had told me I needed to work harder to lose weight or tried to manage my weight for me I would have been resentful. Just knowing that he had my back and was there for me meant a lot. I went on to lose the weight over a 6 month period. And I thought a lot about how glad I was that he wasn't trying to make me feel bad about my weight. I might have revenge ate if he had been mean about it.5 -
This is a really tricky situation and I'm not sure that to tell her you love her anyway, whatever weight she is, is the right answer. You are both very young to be overweight and you are right that unless both of you lose weight now you can look forward to a very impaired and sadly shortened life.
If your wife were an alcoholic I think the advice would be to NOT condone her overeating. It seems to me that she's either hitting out at you, or at herself when she eats a Big Mac. It's akin to self harm. A cry for help perhaps?
I don't know where you live, but I'd certainly suggest couples counselling, which is I think free in the UK via Relate. This is a threat to your marriage and you both need to face it and deal with it, before it's too late.
You have taken the right step to tackle your weight and now you need some professional help to encourage her onto the same path.
Above all talk to her, try and gently discuss the issue and try to find some motivation in her to take the first step. If you can get her to agree that she is overweight and that it would help to see a doctor, join a weight watchers group or see a councillor with you then you will have achieved somewhere.
Happy to support you both. Do friend me if you'd like more encouragement.0 -
When I was at my biggest my husband tried to talk me into making changes to better my health. He would suggest that I eat something other than what I was eating, or he would suggest I go for a walk or do an exercise video. He did it out of his love for me. He told me over and over again how much he loved me no matter what I weighed, BUT, his suggestions hurt. It made me feel like he didn't really love me. Frankly, my stubborn streak set in and I started eating more because he had said something. In retrospect I think I was testing whether he really did love me.
It wasn't until I saw a picture of myself that I decided to change. It wasn't until I had a nephrologist tell me that part of my pain was the extra weight that I was carrying that I decided to change. I had to come to the decision myself, and help myself.
Keep doing what you are doing for you. Hopefully you wife will see your success and join in. Since I started my journey, my husband has joined me for our evening workouts and has fully supported helping me find cheap equipment for our rag tag home gym. It is time we now spend together instead of sitting in front of the TV.6 -
CaptainJoy wrote: »blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.
I think that there is truth here also. IMO the husband needs to be more attentive to the wife's current needs and allow her the luxury of being herself. She isn't ready to diet yet and has lost her eating buddy. I'm sure she is grieving about it. Maybe she would like to eat old favorite foods and OP can join and just eat a smaller amounts? There appears to have been a huge change in dynamics in the relationship at least on the wife's part if she has to leave the house in order to feel comfortable eating food that she likes.1 -
Do all the cooking or do the shopping list and plan your meals. You Co trolley the food. But without saying it's for her ... cut down eating out once a week... Instead change it for a (your cooking) calorie Controlled picnic or bbq... or instead of a whole meal u cook or cook together ; ) then go out for a coffee or frozen yoghurt. My partner is the same. He eats the meals I put in front of him I just don't make it obvious it's calorie controlled etc lol Basically it's hard work, u have to take control of the shopping and food. I do the shopping list, plan the meals, cook n serve.
I meal prep our lunches, do dinner. Or atleast plan dinner n he cooks it. But I know what we having atleast is what's 'allowed'. A woman's self esteem is so fragile, even to say to her that you are concerned she's over weight, she will automatically think you think she's unattractive, n start eating more. Vicious cycle. Control the food... try initiating going for walks or a cycle on weekend 'just because' .. do it postively and try incorporate her into it without saying it's cause it's for her! And after a few weeks walk past her 'Omg lookin good babe' nothing about weight loss or anything. Subtle but positive. She might just get on board
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First of all, you have my sympathy. This sucks, because at the weights you're talking about there is a chance of health impacts in the short term, so I understand your anxiety.
However, I agree with others that you need to drop the subject. Speaking as a wife, and as the overweight one in the relationship, there is a huge, huge amount of insecurity there. I think every woman worries on some level about whether their partner finds her attractive, and a situation like this will massively exaggerate that. *she needs to know* that you still love her *as she is*. Overeating, in my case, is linked with unhappiness and insecurity, and it is very difficult for me to tackle it unless I am feeling confident. This is why it is such a vicious spiral. If your wife's position is similar, the best thing to can do for her is demonstrate your love and commitment to her, while carrying on taking care of your own health.
My own husband never challenges me about my weight or eating, even when I'm in a bad patch - if he did it would make it worse and put strain on our relationship, and he knows that. He gives me reassurance and love, and when I speak to him about wanting to lose weight and struggling with motivation, he offers ideas and support, and has now joined mfp to keep me company, though he doesn't need to lose weight and is aiming only to get from the top of the "normal" band to nearer the middle and then maintain. His approach is the best one he could take and really helps me. I would recommend it.
And always remember how many years you were in her exact position, and how long it took you to make the commitment to change. It doesn't happen all at once. And it's not like you haven't expressed how you feel about it. She knows. There's nothing to be gained by repeating it, and it may make matters worse.7 -
It took my husband 8 months of watching me lose and be successful before he came on board. He was always complaining how much he had gained during our relationship, but didn't do anything about it. I think the kicker was when I dropped below him in weight. Now he is on board and has lost 20 or 25lbs. I didn't convince him, he had to make the choice on his own. Just as you and I both made a choice to get healthy. Unfortunately, I think it has to come from her. I think maybe seeing a doctor together might help. Best of luck and congrats on your own progress.2
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You can make someone you love eat a *kitten* sandwich, and they'll eat it because they love you. But there's only so many *kitten* sandwiches they'll eat before they resent you.
My point being, even if you convince her, it's still not coming from inside her. Your relationship has the potential to be really strained over this. She has to do this on her own.6 -
Nothing good ever comes from these situations.2
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CoffeeNCardio wrote: »Carlos_421 wrote: »1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.
I think I love you.
Yes......we all love him.
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She has to want it for herself. You cannot convince her. Talking to her about it will probably only push her to eat more and resent you.
Lead by example. Worry about your own plate.
Possibly when she sees your results over time she will come to you when she is physically, emotionally and mentally ready. Its also possible she will not.
I've been on my fitness journey for 3.5 years. My husband has been to the gym with me 3 times. He eats what he likes when he likes. He is about 215 at 5'11. He does not have any health issues.
I have no complaints. I love me some him! Exactly how he is. However, on his 38th birthday 1 week ago, he said, "Babe, I want to get in the gym and get strong and build, can you help me?"
He has seen my commitment to this lifestyle for 3 years and now he wants in. I've been waiting for him, quietly.
Do YOUR work and wait for her.
While HEALTH may be what is pushing you to want your wife to change, she will only do it when she wants to.
Some how it always breaks my heart to see people post things like this about their partner. You know what your partner is going through, you have been there. Just bc you have decided to change does not mean that they are ready. Have some compassion and empathy toward her.
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ShrinkinMel wrote: »Ask her to walk with you. Start there.
Yep. Try to share your healthy lifestyle without putting pressure on her. Hopefully seeing you be healthier will encourage her to try.0 -
Congrats OP, on all of your hard work!
I lost 50lbs with MFP before my SO and I officially started dating. Unfortunately a lot of things happened that caused me to gain a good chunk of it back. And I was honestly miserable! I felt I had lost control, and my confidence was the lowest it's basically ever been (when I was a bigger girl I managed to feel sexy, but once I lost the weight and bounced back up, it was impossible to get to that headspace again). I kept commenting on it, and it was so clear how unhappy I was.
One day my SO pulled me aside and we just started talking about it. And he said some things that hurt my feelings a little at the time, but he was right. I HAD put on weight, and I WAS upset about it, and he knew that I was capable of getting it back under control. So he promised to help me however he could, if that was something I wanted to do. And he's been nothing but supportive in his cooking, his restaurant choices, splitting desserts with me...
It's hard, though, to be in your place. Any kind of comments on a woman's weight, regardless of their intention, are bound to strike a nerve. She has to be READY before any kind of journey to lose weight can take place.0 -
I think you've received some great advice so far OP.
When I hit my breaking point in February me and my husband were both of the same mind and doing it together, he was overeating hardcore when he'd go out of town for work, but together when we were together anyway. Then we bought our middle daughter new bedroom furniture, he wrecked his back moving it and gave up on the whole process for over a month and is struggling to get back on now (thankfully he somehow managed to maintain or gain a negligible amount in his time off the wagon). Not once have I gotten after him for it because (a) my husband is an intelligent, grown man, he is aware what health consequences accompany his weight, (b) our doctor was already all over him and (c) you can lead a horse to water by living by example, you cannot force him to drink your way of life agua.
So I'd definitely encourage her to see her doctor but I'd avoid getting pushy with her about it personally. So many people resist more when they feel they're being pressured into it. I wish the both of you lots of luck going forward into a healthier future together!0 -
Try to plan some fun dates that are at least moderately active. Bowling, miniature golf, walking around a zoo or botanical garden, a day at the beach. Start getting some movement in together that isn't "exercise" in a strict sense.
Try cooking for a while - you said she doesn't like the "healthy food," and admittedly some of it is pretty bad. So she gets fast food while you eat your healthy food. I would suggest looking at sites like skinnytaste.com and learning a few recipes there. Things like chicken nuggets, chicken parmesan, stir-fry, oven fries, can still be pretty tasty because they keep the flavor (and some cheese!) of a heavier version you'd get deep-fried at a restaurant. There are also some really hearty things that are can easily be made in lower-calorie ways too. Chili, broccoli cheddar soup, fajitas, homemade pizza instead of delivery. Offering slightly lower calorie versions of what she normally eats might be a good way to get her on board (and maybe save money, since you two are eating completely separate meals).
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Congrats on taking control of your life and your health- it sounds like it hasn't been easy. Can I offer a different perspective? Why in the world is your wife bringing fast food into the house every night at dinner at the same time that you are trying to address a major health issue- and it IS a major one? These are by no means vanity pounds. I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to cook healthy dinners every night. That's not a small task, and I'd be thrilled if my husband cooked a healthy meal every night. It sounds like she loves fast food, and she has the opportunity to eat those meals at lunch every day. Why is it necessary to do this at dinner as well? Especially when someone else is doing the cooking?
I'm sure your wife loves you deeply, and it's obvious she is worried you will lose weight and no longer find her attractive. That must be very difficult for her. I agree with the posters who said to show some empathy. But is it really pressuring her to change if you are only trying to figure out if you can share a nutritious meal together at the end of the day? Can you start there? That honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to me- I'm sure other people who have been in the same boat can offer much better advice than my post. But this is what occurred to me after reading your story.
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You can't expect her to change just because you're changing. She has to have her own "ah ha!" moment. Think about how you might have reacted if she suddenly started making all of these changes, and expected you the do all the same and started getting upset with you for not. She's simply being the same person she's always been.1
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Something for you both to watch is Cooked by Michael Pollan on Netflix. I highly recommend Episode 2: Water. It talks about industrial cooking, how it is so different from home cooking, and how the industry tries to engineer your cravings so they make more money.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4StYSEaXzA 0 -
In my experience.. make sure she goes to her doctor check ups. That was the wake up call for me, honestly... but other than that, until she's ready, you'll just make her angry.
Maybe you can help in a way by asking her what she wants to eat and making it at home, just with less butter and oil.0 -
Laur357 is right. My husband never complained about my food when we met because it's tasty. If someone made me change to steamed veggies and lean protein all the time I would be pretty resistant - and my meals are almost entirely based on non starchy vegetables. If she likes burgers and fries, make them. Bake some fries (seriously even my 8 year old makes them and likes them more than fast food fries), make burgers with lean meat (add in shredded veggies if you feel that it's not moist), 2% cheese is not much different than full fat, pita pizzas are super easy, baked wings, etc.
Other than that, I agree that you can't force her into anything. You can make foods that she likes and invite her out when you're active. She'll either join in or not.2 -
Something for you both to watch is Cooked by Michael Pollan on Netflix. I highly recommend Episode 2: Water. It talks about industrial cooking, how it is so different from home cooking, and how the industry tries to engineer your cravings so they make more money.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4StYSEaXzA
What? No just no. :noway:1 -
My weight loss definitely led to resentment which led to my eventual divorce, in a roundabout way. But after I left, of course he started losing weight...
It's not about you, it's about her insecurity. Maybe read up on ways to help insecure people feel secure.
Have you ever heard of Maslow's Heiarchy of Needs? It's not a perfect theory, but if you look at it you'll see that at the base of it is physiological and safety needs. If for whatever reason (poor relationship with food, other issues) she feels insecure or unsafe with her own body or mental state, you telling her over and over you love her and won't leave her won't matter until she faces the base issues.
Most of the things YOU can "do" will only make her feel worse. Asking her to walk with you, like someone else suggested, is a great thing to do. Time together, doing something healthy.
Other than that... she might come to it eventually when she gets diabetes or someone close to her dies due to preventable lifestyle choices. Or, maybe you'll inspire her if you just do your thing.
I hope it works out.
Edit to add: my mom is 63, and I have spent a long time being frustrated with her unhealthy food situation. But in the end it only drives a wedge between us. Just love her for who she is. Understand that it's not you, it's her. Help her with her other issues, if those are easier for her to handle facing. Food... if she's like the people in my family, every feeling you feel is a reason to eat. Happy? Eat! Depressed? Eat! Bored? Eat! Food=love to my mom... you can't make her change her coping mechanisms, but you can ask her more about her mood and then listen to her.3 -
You can't. Only she can make that choice. Focus on you, if she doesn't like your healthier choices then eat different meals. Maybe seeing you succeed will kick start her or it may not.0
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skinnyforhi wrote: »Congrats on taking control of your life and your health- it sounds like it hasn't been easy. Can I offer a different perspective? Why in the world is your wife bringing fast food into the house every night at dinner at the same time that you are trying to address a major health issue- and it IS a major one? These are by no means vanity pounds. I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to cook healthy dinners every night. That's not a small task, and I'd be thrilled if my husband cooked a healthy meal every night. It sounds like she loves fast food, and she has the opportunity to eat those meals at lunch every day. Why is it necessary to do this at dinner as well? Especially when someone else is doing the cooking?
I'm sure your wife loves you deeply, and it's obvious she is worried you will lose weight and no longer find her attractive. That must be very difficult for her. I agree with the posters who said to show some empathy. But is it really pressuring her to change if you are only trying to figure out if you can share a nutritious meal together at the end of the day? Can you start there? That honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to me- I'm sure other people who have been in the same boat can offer much better advice than my post. But this is what occurred to me after reading your story.
You are assuming that what he is cooking is something that she would want to eat. It didn't sound like that was the case from the original post. He said, she 'feels there needs to be a stick of butter in every dish for flavor' (or similar - I didn't go back to pull the exact quote).
If someone is cooking food I find tasteless, and I have the option, I'm not going to eat it. I'm going to go get something else, and it's going to be something that doesn't require me to use the kitchen because someone's already using it. If she's used to and likes a particular fast food meal, it's no surprise that's what she chooses.
If OP wants her to eat food he cooks, he's going to need to modify it for her tastes. He could provide condiments on the side, or use more spices to amp up flavor without fat, or add a bit more fat and just plan on eating a bite or two less. Alternatively, he could cook a different meal for her and do it to her tastes, not his diet.
OP, I feel for you. I think a number of people on here have had the experience of having family or friends that need to lose weight and wanting to help them. But the rest are right. Even with health concerns, you can't make her do it and pushing will get you the opposite response you want.
For me, the best course of action was to just do my own thing and do my best not to have a negative impact on anyone else. When people wanted to go to restaurants with high cal meals and belatedly offered to go somewhere else instead, I insisted we go to the place they wanted to anyway. Told them, "I can make it work, we can go anywhere". And I did. If I ate more than I wanted to, I didn't say anything about it, just made adjustments and kept going. And eventually they forgot about the diet part, and all they saw was me looking better, all they experienced was me in a good mood because I was feeling better physically and emotionally. And one day, they decided they wanted the same thing.*
*One day was months to more than a year later depending on the person, but it did happen eventually. Be patient 0 -
There's a lot of great advice in here, especially what Carlos said. One thing I'd like to add:
She's in a vulnerable, weak position right now. You're getting healthier. You appear independent (i.e. cooking for yourself, better mobility). She will feel more secure, and therefore more inclined to better herself, if you acknowledge things she does for you that you would struggle to do yourself. Keep the house clean? Manage your budget? Balance work and caring for an elderly relative? Highlight the ways in which she's self-sufficient and that you rely on her, and let her know how appreciated and valued she is.0
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