How to get my wife on board?
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No mention if you still find her attractive. A loss of attraction complicates things. Sometimes the person who loses the weight suddenly feels entitled to having a more attractive partner, and the resentment starts and builds and things can end badly (affairs, divorce, etc..).5
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heatherheyns wrote: »You can't. And try to see it from her point of view. You talk about how you didn't realize you'd gotten so big. What if two years ago she'd told you that you needed to lose weight. I'm sure you'd heard it from others, and it never went well, did it? You didn't change until YOU were ready to. She will be the same. People only change when they want to. Focus on you and your journey, and she will decide if she wants to do the same on her own terms and timeline.
Exactly my thoughts. OP, apparently you weren't ready until 99 days ago to make changes. Why would you expect her to be on your same timetable? Her journey- if she makes one- will happen on her own.9 -
blackaheep4288 wrote: »How do I convince her that she's killing herself? If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread than I eat in the entire meal. Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me. I know that I've only been at this for 99 days but I feel like I've made the commitment and am following through with what I said I would do. We both have office jobs so we sit all day. Both offices have a free gym on site. She told me the other day that her biggest fear was that I would lose a lot of weight, divorce her, and go find a skinny girl. I don't want to do that. I love my wife very much. However, I have no intentions of becoming a widower by the time we're 35. Does anyone have any ideas on how to help her get off this road she's on?
This is tricky. As others have said it has to come when the person is ready and she is defensive already. She knows already you'd like her to lose weight. Don't talk about food or exercise with her. Tell her you love her. Say how much you like doing things with her.
Your wife seems insecure and probably feels bad about herself. Maybe she has some emotional or mental stuff to work through before she is ready to make a lot of changes. Maybe counseling could help.
I really lost weight when I was tired of not being able to keep up with my family, being in pain a lot of the time, and feeling scared that I would end up stuck in a chair or bed. Not how I want to live. I knew I was overweight long before that point.3 -
1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.33 -
She simply has to find the desire & motivation herself, just like you did. Just keep setting a good example for her and I'm sure she'll soon follow. Just don't push too much!1
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Carlos_421 wrote: »1) You loved her enough to marry her when she was already obese. Keep doing that.
2) Remove her fear of losing you. Make sure she knows that she's your one and only and that you will never leave her for some skinny girl.
3) Inspire her with your own success.
4) Leave it at that. Don't pressure her. Let it be her decision when she's ready.
I think I love you.2 -
Actually if I am to be honest, your wife is sabotaging your efforts and she is acting irresponsible. A marriage is a commitment and there needs to be willingness to make decisions to make the marriage healthy and strong. I have an eating disorder's therapist in my family and I am convinced that she would agree that your wife will continue to sabotage your efforts. She is making it very clear that she has no desire to be responsible and to change. The very best and most healthy that you can do for yourself is to stay with your diet and get yourself in shape. Hopefully she will join you but if she doesn't, that is her choice. And sadly in cases such as this there are always consequences. You sound amazing. You sound very dedicated and also interested in her well-being. I wish you the best and I applaud you for your efforts. You are doing something amazing for yourself. From what you have described it's going to remain challenging.
I would encourage you not to spend too much time trying to convince her. She is making it very clear to you that she is not willing. Stay with your plan and look forward to your bright and healthy future. Taking responsibility for yourself and losing the weight is going to open up many new and exciting possibilities for you.5 -
Your wife needs to work this out on her own and reach her own decision about weight loss. I second the advice about not trying to persuade her to change things as it will backfire on you.
I was talking to someone I see regularly who is overweight and has noticed that I've lost a considerable amount. I've been answering her questions as best I can, bearing in mind that I am no expert and only have my own experience to go by. I suggested that she take a look at this site as she genuinely seemed interested. I saw her again a week later and we talked again, so I asked if she'd visited this site and was told no. She also said that she was resisting making any changes at all as both of her children were nagging her to improve her health.
I would also say that you should keep going with your own plans. My husband wasn't interested in doing anything about his weight when I started trying to improve my health and weight but my continued efforts have had an impression on him as he's now half-heartedly making changes. One thing he does do with me, every day, is to go for a long walk. He's also thinking about what he eats, and how much. So although he's not as committed as I am, he's starting to make changes and has lost about 30 lbs over the last ten months. I don't nag him, or try to "encourage" him at all - he's an adult capable of making his own choices and does what he wants to do. Yes, I worry about his health but I can't force him to change. That has to come from within himself. Only then will the change be effective.7 -
OP, people change. If and when they are ready, they want to and regardless of what others want. Express your concerns and leave it at this. She might change or she might not. She might lose weight, or she might gain more. You might end up having completely different lifestyles in 10 years from now, or not. You might leave her or she might leave you or you might be together until your old age. You can only control your own choices. You cannot control her decisions and you cannot even control your feelings. Focus on yourself for now. Do not let her hold you back. And do not nag her.3
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Ask her to walk with you. Start there.5
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Well done on keeping up with the program, loosing your 60pounds and thinking about your loved one's health in the process.
I agree with a lot of what everyone above has said, making changes can be hard and having someone that you love change too can also bring added anxiety.
Truth is pretty much the only option as well; perhaps tell her that your worried and that you would like to both be healthy (emphasis on health), then why not ask her for her help? You are now battling with this and she is the only one who can help you to get over it. It could be something as simple as not eating fast food 1 day a week, or finding an active hobby that you both could enjoy and then hopefully you could set yourselves a weekly challenge and who ever 'wins' gets a little treat (not necessarily food) for instance you could challenge yourselves to eat green vegetables once a day for a week.
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blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.11 -
tonkacrew3 wrote: »
Look into hobbies and things you could do together as a couple to lose weight....not just "exercise". Does she like dancing? Bike riding? Bowling? Skating? What kinds of healthy foods would she enjoy eating? Can you learn how to make healthier versions of comfort food together? (By the way...it probably hurt her that you took over the cooking and chose your food instead of hers). Make recipes together and look up healthy recipes together. Pinterest is a great source of finding healthy recipes that both of you might like.
Make your lifestyle fun and something she would be drawn to doing with you. Don't make it seem like this is a life or death choice that she has to come on board with you about. Draw her to your lifestyle and include her in your fun. Make sure she KNOWS that you love her no matter what. Remember...this is a journey. Enjoy it!
This is excellent advice.
It seems like you really love your wife and care about her well-being, so any activities that you could enjoy together while being a bit more physically active might be a nice thing to do, regardless of whether she is aiming to lose any weight. This could help her to see that she might enjoy being a little more healthy (and even if it doesn't help her have a light bulb moment, there is nothing lost because you both just spent time enjoying each others company!)
Best of luck to you both
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First of all your wife knows very well that she is fat and needs to lose weight--she is not ready yet.
Congratulations on your commitment and loss--this is for you, so you do you. Don't give up.
Never mention her weight. Tell her that you love her often, and show her--a bouquet of flowers (even wild ones picked on a walk or run), a hug now and then.
Invite her to go walking with you every time you go. When she says "no", just smile and say "OK, maybe next time" and go out the door.
When you eat together, never look at what she's eating, or judge it, even in your mind--women are mind readers.
When you cook for yourself ask her if you can make her something and ask what she would like. Tell her you love cooking.
Other people will be mentioning her weight, and especially her doctor. Understand that she will be depressed about it, and comfort her.
When she finally decides to do something about HER situation--be cautious, don't overly praise, just be supportive.
OP-this is all very hard to do. I feel for you, but if you want to keep her, you have to love her as is--always.11 -
CaptainJoy wrote: »blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.
This is probably the second most on-point thing said in this thread (the first being what @Carlos_421 said in the first place)! Anyone would be resistant to making changes in this situation. It is true that you do need to look after your own health, but it is also true that you need to nurture your marriage. You have to find a way for those two things to coexist. To THAT end, @snowflake954 made some really great points (although I'd offer hugs at every available opportunity not just 'now and then' haha
) 5 -
snowflake954 wrote: »First of all your wife knows very well that she is fat and needs to lose weight--she is not ready yet.
Congratulations on your commitment and loss--this is for you, so you do you. Don't give up.
Never mention her weight. Tell her that you love her often, and show her--a bouquet of flowers (even wild ones picked on a walk or run), a hug now and then.
Invite her to go walking with you every time you go. When she says "no", just smile and say "OK, maybe next time" and go out the door.
When you eat together, never look at what she's eating, or judge it, even in your mind--women are mind readers.
When you cook for yourself ask her if you can make her something and ask what she would like. Tell her you love cooking.
Other people will be mentioning her weight, and especially her doctor. Understand that she will be depressed about it, and comfort her.
When she finally decides to do something about HER situation--be cautious, don't overly praise, just be supportive.
OP-this is all very hard to do. I feel for you, but if you want to keep her, you have to love her as is--always.
I agree with Carlos and Snowflake. The wife has lost her "soft place to fall" and is feeling displaced, abandoned and vulnerable. When I had gained quite a bit, I remember I was struggling with not fitting into my clothes. My husband overheard me crying, "I can't even wear my pants tucked in because my belt doesn't fit". He came over, gave me a big hug and reassured me that, "Everything will be okay."
Sometimes we don't need answers or coaching. If hubby had told me I needed to work harder to lose weight or tried to manage my weight for me I would have been resentful. Just knowing that he had my back and was there for me meant a lot. I went on to lose the weight over a 6 month period. And I thought a lot about how glad I was that he wasn't trying to make me feel bad about my weight. I might have revenge ate if he had been mean about it.5 -
This is a really tricky situation and I'm not sure that to tell her you love her anyway, whatever weight she is, is the right answer. You are both very young to be overweight and you are right that unless both of you lose weight now you can look forward to a very impaired and sadly shortened life.
If your wife were an alcoholic I think the advice would be to NOT condone her overeating. It seems to me that she's either hitting out at you, or at herself when she eats a Big Mac. It's akin to self harm. A cry for help perhaps?
I don't know where you live, but I'd certainly suggest couples counselling, which is I think free in the UK via Relate. This is a threat to your marriage and you both need to face it and deal with it, before it's too late.
You have taken the right step to tackle your weight and now you need some professional help to encourage her onto the same path.
Above all talk to her, try and gently discuss the issue and try to find some motivation in her to take the first step. If you can get her to agree that she is overweight and that it would help to see a doctor, join a weight watchers group or see a councillor with you then you will have achieved somewhere.
Happy to support you both. Do friend me if you'd like more encouragement.0 -
When I was at my biggest my husband tried to talk me into making changes to better my health. He would suggest that I eat something other than what I was eating, or he would suggest I go for a walk or do an exercise video. He did it out of his love for me. He told me over and over again how much he loved me no matter what I weighed, BUT, his suggestions hurt. It made me feel like he didn't really love me. Frankly, my stubborn streak set in and I started eating more because he had said something. In retrospect I think I was testing whether he really did love me.
It wasn't until I saw a picture of myself that I decided to change. It wasn't until I had a nephrologist tell me that part of my pain was the extra weight that I was carrying that I decided to change. I had to come to the decision myself, and help myself.
Keep doing what you are doing for you. Hopefully you wife will see your success and join in. Since I started my journey, my husband has joined me for our evening workouts and has fully supported helping me find cheap equipment for our rag tag home gym. It is time we now spend together instead of sitting in front of the TV.6 -
CaptainJoy wrote: »blackaheep4288 wrote: »I've pretty much taken over the cooking because I can't convince her that every meal needs a stick of butter for flavor. She usually skips breakfast, eat fast-food for lunch and dinner because she doesn't like the healthier meals.
If we go out to eat she usually eats more calories in the free bread... Every time I bring it up she becomes defensive or just ignores me.
I know this sounds mean but you've displaced her in the kitchen, your meals do not satisfy her, and now she feels forced to eat out when she used to cook at home. You're being judgemental in how much free bread or other fast food she eats when she's only trying to accommodate your new and different lifestyle. She's definitely feeling insecure in her marriage. Your best course of action is to do what Carlos_421 said.
I think that there is truth here also. IMO the husband needs to be more attentive to the wife's current needs and allow her the luxury of being herself. She isn't ready to diet yet and has lost her eating buddy. I'm sure she is grieving about it. Maybe she would like to eat old favorite foods and OP can join and just eat a smaller amounts? There appears to have been a huge change in dynamics in the relationship at least on the wife's part if she has to leave the house in order to feel comfortable eating food that she likes.1 -
Do all the cooking or do the shopping list and plan your meals. You Co trolley the food. But without saying it's for her ... cut down eating out once a week... Instead change it for a (your cooking) calorie Controlled picnic or bbq... or instead of a whole meal u cook or cook together ; ) then go out for a coffee or frozen yoghurt. My partner is the same. He eats the meals I put in front of him I just don't make it obvious it's calorie controlled etc lol Basically it's hard work, u have to take control of the shopping and food. I do the shopping list, plan the meals, cook n serve.
I meal prep our lunches, do dinner. Or atleast plan dinner n he cooks it. But I know what we having atleast is what's 'allowed'. A woman's self esteem is so fragile, even to say to her that you are concerned she's over weight, she will automatically think you think she's unattractive, n start eating more. Vicious cycle. Control the food... try initiating going for walks or a cycle on weekend 'just because' .. do it postively and try incorporate her into it without saying it's cause it's for her! And after a few weeks walk past her 'Omg lookin good babe' nothing about weight loss or anything. Subtle but positive. She might just get on board
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