Unwanted attention

_Waffle_

ForMe2No wrote: »

Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.

The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.

emdeesea

_Waffle_ wrote: »

ForMe2No wrote: »

Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.

The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.

Yeah I know what she means. I had an uncle like that. He got all huggy on me when I lost quite a bit of weight and I at first didn't think much about it but I DID feel sort of creeped out, although I had no logical reason to feel that way. It wasn't until a few months later when he made the comment that "if you weren't my niece I'd be asking you out lolololol, wink, wink, nudge, nudge..." Sometimes it's better to trust that intuition.

billglitch

I can not say i know how you feel, but I have a few thoughts. The fact that men notice you means you have done a good job in losing weight and that you are an attractive women. What you dont know is that women notice too, but are probably less obvious or you dont notice because you dont feel that they are a threat. Our past experiences definitely influence the way we see the world.

carmkizzle

_Waffle_ wrote: »

ForMe2No wrote: »

Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.

The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.

You're ignoring the part in bold. There are a couple men like that in my family, the ones that stare at you like you're a piece of meat, the ones that are too 'touchy-feely'. It's a real thing.

Canuckgirl77

Yes, I have the same feelings of discomfort (for attention from both sexes). As I lose weight, those feelings rise to the surface and it's a battle everyday. I find it difficult to even accept people's increased friendliness to me - I feel like I'm in the spotlight and it's a very uncomfortable place for me, especially since I've spent most of my life blending into the background unnoticed.

Cheesy567

Raise your sons to not be *kitten*, and maybe in a generation or two women will be able to feel safe in public. Men need to stop degrading behavior towards women. Period.

OP, you have every right to your reaction, whatever it is. If you feel unsafe, I hope there's a way to speak up, to the people staring, or to the managers of the store who allow loitering, or for calling a police escort if you need. You deserve to feel safe.

sc487

Carry a big-*kitten* walking stick everywhere you go. If people ask, tell tem you have a bad ankle (I do, convenient excuse). People will look from a distance but even the most branded moron knows big stick = big pain.

Dove0804

_Waffle_ wrote: »

thereshegoesagain wrote: »

I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

It's you. Most strangers that admire you have no bad intentions for you. I had a similar experience to yours only the relative in question was an older girl. Letting them control your life means you're letting them molest you again every time someone gives you attention.

If this is still bothering you then some therapy would be helpful.

I'm guessing you're a man... While I've fortunately never been molested physically, in the past I have escaped some very scary situations (including being chased and followed) from men who weren't just dishing out compliments, and could very easily have overpowered me. I remember how threatening the catcalls could get, and unless you experience it on a regular basis you have no idea how it feels or how scary and intrusive it can be, even when something sounds nice on the surface. Not acknowledging a "kind" remark can and often does devolve into insults and harassment.

OP, it's not just you. It is something I'm increasingly nervous about as I continue to lose. Right now I still do get attention from time to time, but most of it is of a non-threatening nature.

For example:
A guy walking past me on the street lately smiled and said "Hello beauty, how are you today?" His tone of voice was kind. He did not turn towards me, he did not slow down, he did not stop, and even though he asked a question it was clear he was not expecting a response and kept on walking. To be honest, I did not mind that.

He could have easily said the same words but waited for a response, turned towards me, stopped or slowed down, said the words in a different tone of voice, etc. and it would have changed the situation- it becomes more about power-play than simply paying a compliment. I'd rather those compliments stay in the heads of those who feel the need to voice them.

(EDIT: I don't feel I should have to add this disclaimer, but I do love men. There are lots of great men in the world. Men rock. This issue of catcalling really hits home to me, though, and all of my negative experiences regarding that have come from men.)

2011rocket3touring

Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.

Cheesy567

2011rocket3touring wrote: »

Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.

I "like" this-- not that you were harassed, but that you're sharing your experience. It's a great example of what women have to deal with, how uncomfortable it is. I hope other guys take it to heart and change their behavior too!

MissusMoon

2011rocket3touring wrote: »

Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.

Not only did you learn how it feels to be a woman, you learned that we females are perfectly capable of acting inappropriately toward men. No human should be made to feel that way, male or female.

Thank you for sharing that.

Nuke_64

I find this discussion interesting--the OP asked about:

thereshegoesagain wrote: »

is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

and others have expanded this to cat calls, unwanted physical interaction, and physical attacks. Although I agree gawking is rude, it is not at the same level as the rest. Why are some treating as if they are?

_Waffle_

Nuke_64 wrote: »

I find this discussion interesting--the OP asked about:

thereshegoesagain wrote: »

is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

and others have expanded this to cat calls, unwanted physical interaction, and physical attacks. Although I agree gawking is rude, it is not at the same level as the rest. Why are some treating as if they are?

It's not fun to talk about the normality of men being attracted to women in a healthy manner?

RachelElser

I am just awful remembering people so I am always afraid they know me and I don't recognize them!

thereshegoesagain

Thanks to each of you for your comments, support and sharing your experiences. I have taken several self defense courses over the years and have worked at a hotel where I kept a baseball bat behind my desk to keep out the prostitutes and their pimps. I am very comfortable in being able to protect myself in most situations, even more so now that I am healthy and strong.

I wouldn't say that I really felt threatened, it was more of an uncomfortable feeling. I'm not used to being admired by men who have no ulterior motive. I don't get the feeling every time, but for some reason the 3 guys in the parking lot made me pay attention to what I was feeling at the moment and what I have felt in the past on occasion but may not have paid attention to.

I was trying to get opinions of those who have not experienced sexual abuse so that I can try to determine if my "radar" is different due to my past abuse and recovery. Now that I've typed this, I am reminded that all of our perceptions are a result of experiences, both good and bad and that it's ok. My past has led me to where I am today. I am healthy, happy and a mighty survivor.

Again, thank you for you thoughts.

allenpriest

opalquartz wrote: »

allenpriest wrote: »

JennB629 wrote: »

I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

What in the world is a"trigger warning"???

A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc

Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.

Why in the world would that make sense? You would have to read the thing to know what it was about. Sounds like what children are doing on college campuses now-which is why grown up people don't want to hire tge little darlings.

Now back to the topic at hand.

nalinisooknanan

Yes, lots of unwanted attention. started self defence classes, feel a bit better already!

opalquartz

allenpriest wrote: »

Why in the world would that make sense? You would have to read the thing to know what it was about. Sounds like what children are doing on college campuses now-which is why grown up people don't want to hire tge little darlings.

Now back to the topic at hand.

Maybe I didn't explain the concept very well. Google is at your disposal, as always.
I, at least, try to err on the side of kindness, especially since it takes little to no effort on my part. Nobody is saying adding warnings is mandatory. It takes me half a second to add "tw: whatever" if I make a post, which people can then choose to scroll past rather than reading an in-depth discussion of something they may rather not immerse themselves in at the moment. Surely you see the difference between a one-word warning vs. reading the whole thing to know what it's about?

And sure, blame the job crisis on things like trigger warnings, that makes perfect sense. It's got nothing to do with the effects of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression and hyperinflated costs of a college education. It's those darn oversensitive millennials' own fault that they grew up in an inhospitable economic climate.

Yes, back on topic, after the detour I made to answer your initial, off-topic question.

--

Thanks for your response, OP. You sound like a very strong person!

JaneSnowe

opalquartz wrote: »

allenpriest wrote: »

Why in the world would that make sense? You would have to read the thing to know what it was about. Sounds like what children are doing on college campuses now-which is why grown up people don't want to hire tge little darlings.

Now back to the topic at hand.

Maybe I didn't explain the concept very well. Google is at your disposal, as always.
I, at least, try to err on the side of kindness, especially since it takes little to no effort on my part. Nobody is saying adding warnings is mandatory. It takes me half a second to add "tw: whatever" if I make a post, which people can then choose to scroll past rather than reading an in-depth discussion of something they may rather not immerse themselves in at the moment. Surely you see the difference between a one-word warning vs. reading the whole thing to know what it's about?

And sure, blame the job crisis on things like trigger warnings, that makes perfect sense. It's got nothing to do with the effects of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression and hyperinflated costs of a college education. It's those darn oversensitive millennials' own fault that they grew up in an inhospitable economic climate.

Yes, back on topic, after the detour I made to answer your initial, off-topic question.

--

Thanks for your response, OP. You sound like a very strong person!

I understand that trigger warnings have their place, but there was no in depth discussion of a triggering topic in the OP.

robininfl

I just wanted to say it's great that you got to the root of your weight gain and were able to face it down. You are strong. Yes it's normal to be uneasy when situations remind you of trauma. Facing it over and over and realizing you don't need to react will help a lot, and if you have a therapist maybe they can give you good strategies for dealing with this.

Congratulations on your weight loss and best wishes on your recovery.