Unwanted attention
thereshegoesagain
Posts: 1,056 Member
As a young girl I was molested by an older cousin when our families would get together. As a result, I became very overweight in an attempt to ward off boys and as I got older, men. I was in my 40's before I got into therapy to deal with my feelings.
I met my future husband and got married at the ripe old age of 44 and we have a great relationship.
Now that I am at a healthy weight, (95 pounds down!) I am getting attention from strangers and it makes me uncomfortable.
I was just at the local Pharmacy and as I left, I noticed 3 men that were checking me out as I walked through the parking lot. They weren't an any way threatening, but I quickened my pace to get back to my car.
Fortunately, I had no desire to stuff my face like in the old days, but I do need to honor how I feel.
I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?
I met my future husband and got married at the ripe old age of 44 and we have a great relationship.
Now that I am at a healthy weight, (95 pounds down!) I am getting attention from strangers and it makes me uncomfortable.
I was just at the local Pharmacy and as I left, I noticed 3 men that were checking me out as I walked through the parking lot. They weren't an any way threatening, but I quickened my pace to get back to my car.
Fortunately, I had no desire to stuff my face like in the old days, but I do need to honor how I feel.
I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?
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Replies
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In my experience I have turned "invisible" when I gain weight. It is so odd how at a certain lower weight.. all of a sudden I appear again.. and yes.. men look. Many men look out of instinct and forget as soon as they pass by.…I don't think you should take it serious or feel threatened.6
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I've never been a big fan of random guys hitting on me and my husband is REALLY not a fan but I generally don't find these kinds of men threatening. Recently I had some really classy guy shout, "MILF Alert!" at me as I was pushing the double stroller full of toddlers with the baby strapped to me- having my 3 year old ask me, "What's a miff?" all afternoon was some bs. Would I be afraid of him though? No. I'm honestly more inclined to be wary of men who following too closely but AREN'T making their presence known/are trying to conceal themselves because that is more obviously threatening (to me anyway).
Given your experiences though it makes sense that you would struggle with feeling this way, and those feelings are valid. I hope you start to find more comfortability around strange men with time. Congrats on your fabulous weight loss!8 -
Yes. I get stared at, catcalled & once chased down the street. When we lived in Omaha I couldn't leave the house without being yelled at. Literally, one of the times I was wearing a hoodie & jeans. I actually had a friend have the nerve to tell me that I would be mad when I was old & fat and men don't catcall me anymore. Um, no.
For the most part I just try to ignore people. But it bothers me that when I am walking down the street and I see a man walking towards me I cross the street.
Wish I could be more positive, but it's something that really bothers me.7 -
I have a similar experience to you and it bothers me to no end. I honestly try to ignore it and move on. If they are forward I try to just get out of situation. You can't do much about others peoples action just your response to them.2
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OP, I too am a victim of sexual abuse and assault and I used fat as my security blanket as well so I completely understand where you are coming from.
And, now that you are dealing with your past, and unveiling the person you really are- people are noticing including men. The thing is, you can't allow it to hinder you any longer. Maybe take it as a compliment?
Just know that without our fat suit were our vulnerable selves but we are no longer victims. You've done an amazing job at fighting and taking back your life. No one else is going to hurt you. You are safe, now.
If it'll be of any help, perhaps a self-defense class will put you at ease? I plan on taking one myself. No need to hide who we are and eat our way back to old habits. It's mainly just fear and fear isn't real. We're mainly afraid of things that are probably never going to happen. Thing is, you conquered it!
Truth is, men are going to look, period. They looked at my highest of 258 and they'll keep looking, it's just human nature. But what you do with that info is entirely up to you. Smile (or not) and just keep it moving. You've worked too hard and you deserve to be the person you were destined to be.
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Still dealing with this issue on a smaller scale then I use to. I struggle with every ten pound weight loss. Congrats on getting through the emotional aspect of it - that gives me hope it will eventually totally go away for me. As for what you do now, I think exactly what you just did. You acknowledge your feelings but you don't eat from it. I like the idea of a self defense class and I may do that as well when I lose all I need to. I need to feel like I can protect myself if needed and perhaps that will give you a strength and feel less vulnerable when being looked at. Ultimately, it is the vulnerability that gets us mentally.2
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I've never had any past issues with men or abuse, but I hate, hate, hate being gawked at! I feel like a piece of meat or an animal in the zoo being leered at by sleazy men. I swear some of them across like they've never seen a woman before in their life!
I just roll my eyes and keep walking.
The only male attention I want and need is from my husband, I couldn't give a flying flip what some random man thinks of me, and definitely do not need validation from a stranger.
Sorry for rambling, but this is a massive pet hate of mine.8 -
@Christine_72 I totally a gree with you.
The one thing about getting into shape again is the increase of feeling that I am also considered part of the meatmarket again. The gawking is really really annoying, I do not feel threatened often, but it does happen, sometimes situations can feel unsafe.4 -
I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.0
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Nope.0
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Street harassment and catcalling are an unacceptable part of our culture. We shouldn't blame ourselves for "attracting attention" for existing as women in public spaces, blame the culture that allows men to harass and make us feel unsafe with little to no repercussions.
And I don't think it's reasonable to just say, "Oh, don't feel unsafe" when many of us have been followed or assaulted. No matter your weight there's some degree of harassment you experience, in my experience and at least in big cities, but it definitely increases as you get more conventionally attractive/thinner...
Educating people about this problem of street harassment, especially men who can call out their bros when they see it happening, is vital. The problem is not that it's 'human nature' (or whatever) to make strangers feel unsafe. It's that women (and people who are perceived as women) are devalued and objectified. Moving through a public space doesn't make our bodies public property. Displays of harassment aren't even genuine attempts at interaction, they're power plays.
And we're in a double bind in terms of how we can respond. Ignoring the comments/gestures/whatever is usually the safest option. Telling the harasser to f*** off might give them an excuse (in their mind) to get violent. Smiling or "thanks" in an attempt to politely get away might be construed as "leading them on." It's effed up.22 -
I have abuse in my past as well, and I also got heavy, but I have never put those two outcomes together, really. I got heavy because I liked to eat and never watched my diet.
I guess I dealt with the abuse in a logical way and didn't let it bother me; never had any sort of therapy for it. It happened, it wasn't my fault, and I'm not the only one that this has happened to. Doesn't make it right, just that this is how I have viewed it. And I have lost the weight and I guess maybe I get checked out more, but honestly I don't ever notice it or pay attention to it. I live in a college town and I think I'm generally too old for anyone to notice lol! But when it does happen, I generally don't feel at all threatened by it. For one thing, I'm strong enough these days that anyone would have a serious fight on their hands if they tried anything - and that's empowering in itself.
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allenpriest wrote: »
A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc
Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.1 -
opalquartz wrote: »Street harassment and catcalling are an unacceptable part of our culture. We shouldn't blame ourselves for "attracting attention" for existing as women in public spaces, blame the culture that allows men to harass and make us feel unsafe with little to no repercussions.
And I don't think it's reasonable to just say, "Oh, don't feel unsafe" when many of us have been followed or assaulted. No matter your weight there's some degree of harassment you experience, in my experience and at least in big cities, but it definitely increases as you get more conventionally attractive/thinner...
Educating people about this problem of street harassment, especially men who can call out their bros when they see it happening, is vital. The problem is not that it's 'human nature' (or whatever) to make strangers feel unsafe. It's that women (and people who are perceived as women) are devalued and objectified. Moving through a public space doesn't make our bodies public property. Displays of harassment aren't even genuine attempts at interaction, they're power plays.
And we're in a double bind in terms of how we can respond. Ignoring the comments/gestures/whatever is usually the safest option. Telling the harasser to f*** off might give them an excuse (in their mind) to get violent. Smiling or "thanks" in an attempt to politely get away might be construed as "leading them on." It's effed up.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this.2 -
I definitely understand where you are coming from. This is something I struggle with in this journey. My husband has been such a tremendous help at helping me face my fears. I've been trying to lose the weight on and off for years almost 1/2 my life and I realized recently that I would stop losing the weight whenever I started getting attention from guys. This time is different. I am going to push through this and get to my goal weight in an attempt to no longer be controlled by what happened to me in my past. It's not easy. Everyday it is a mental and emotional challenge but I am tired of giving into my fears. People are starting to notice my weight loss and it does make me uncomfortable my next step is to enroll in a kickboxing class. Thank you for posting your story. It helps that I am not the only one that feels this way. It also helps me to write this out because I've been quiet for way too long and it has imprisoned me for way too long. Hope this helps you and you find your peace.8
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Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.5
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opalquartz wrote: »allenpriest wrote: »
A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc
Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.
in that context seeing the heading warning "XXX" isn't going to trigger someone that sensitive.??
We all have demons and I have enough to think about than if I'm inadvertently going to upset some special snowflake with something I post and I'm an adult and can scroll past or find a therapist if reading something makes me feel that bad.5 -
thereshegoesagain wrote: »I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?
It's you. Most strangers that admire you have no bad intentions for you. I had a similar experience to yours only the relative in question was an older girl. Letting them control your life means you're letting them molest you again every time someone gives you attention.
If this is still bothering you then some therapy would be helpful.2 -
Yes. I get stared at, catcalled & once chased down the street. When we lived in Omaha I couldn't leave the house without being yelled at. Literally, one of the times I was wearing a hoodie & jeans. I actually had a friend have the nerve to tell me that I would be mad when I was old & fat and men don't catcall me anymore. Um, no.
For the most part I just try to ignore people. But it bothers me that when I am walking down the street and I see a man walking towards me I cross the street.
Wish I could be more positive, but it's something that really bothers me.
As a citizen of Omaha, I can confirm it is the catcall capital of the US. We all get whistles and horns. A girl gets a whistle if she catches our fancy and a horn (sounds like the price is right horn when you guess incorrectly) if she is not our type. Its very streamlined and takes out all of the guesswork.0 -
Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.
The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.0 -
Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.
The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.
Yeah I know what she means. I had an uncle like that. He got all huggy on me when I lost quite a bit of weight and I at first didn't think much about it but I DID feel sort of creeped out, although I had no logical reason to feel that way. It wasn't until a few months later when he made the comment that "if you weren't my niece I'd be asking you out lolololol, wink, wink, nudge, nudge..." Sometimes it's better to trust that intuition.9 -
I can not say i know how you feel, but I have a few thoughts. The fact that men notice you means you have done a good job in losing weight and that you are an attractive women. What you dont know is that women notice too, but are probably less obvious or you dont notice because you dont feel that they are a threat. Our past experiences definitely influence the way we see the world.1
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Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.
The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.
You're ignoring the part in bold. There are a couple men like that in my family, the ones that stare at you like you're a piece of meat, the ones that are too 'touchy-feely'. It's a real thing.
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Yes, I have the same feelings of discomfort (for attention from both sexes). As I lose weight, those feelings rise to the surface and it's a battle everyday. I find it difficult to even accept people's increased friendliness to me - I feel like I'm in the spotlight and it's a very uncomfortable place for me, especially since I've spent most of my life blending into the background unnoticed.2
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Raise your sons to not be *kitten*, and maybe in a generation or two women will be able to feel safe in public. Men need to stop degrading behavior towards women. Period.
OP, you have every right to your reaction, whatever it is. If you feel unsafe, I hope there's a way to speak up, to the people staring, or to the managers of the store who allow loitering, or for calling a police escort if you need. You deserve to feel safe.10 -
Carry a big-*kitten* walking stick everywhere you go. If people ask, tell tem you have a bad ankle (I do, convenient excuse). People will look from a distance but even the most branded moron knows big stick = big pain.1
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thereshegoesagain wrote: »I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?
It's you. Most strangers that admire you have no bad intentions for you. I had a similar experience to yours only the relative in question was an older girl. Letting them control your life means you're letting them molest you again every time someone gives you attention.
If this is still bothering you then some therapy would be helpful.
I'm guessing you're a man... While I've fortunately never been molested physically, in the past I have escaped some very scary situations (including being chased and followed) from men who weren't just dishing out compliments, and could very easily have overpowered me. I remember how threatening the catcalls could get, and unless you experience it on a regular basis you have no idea how it feels or how scary and intrusive it can be, even when something sounds nice on the surface. Not acknowledging a "kind" remark can and often does devolve into insults and harassment.
OP, it's not just you. It is something I'm increasingly nervous about as I continue to lose. Right now I still do get attention from time to time, but most of it is of a non-threatening nature.
For example:
A guy walking past me on the street lately smiled and said "Hello beauty, how are you today?" His tone of voice was kind. He did not turn towards me, he did not slow down, he did not stop, and even though he asked a question it was clear he was not expecting a response and kept on walking. To be honest, I did not mind that.
He could have easily said the same words but waited for a response, turned towards me, stopped or slowed down, said the words in a different tone of voice, etc. and it would have changed the situation- it becomes more about power-play than simply paying a compliment. I'd rather those compliments stay in the heads of those who feel the need to voice them.
(EDIT: I don't feel I should have to add this disclaimer, but I do love men. There are lots of great men in the world. Men rock. This issue of catcalling really hits home to me, though, and all of my negative experiences regarding that have come from men.)8 -
Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.11 -
2011rocket3touring wrote: »Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.
I "like" this-- not that you were harassed, but that you're sharing your experience. It's a great example of what women have to deal with, how uncomfortable it is. I hope other guys take it to heart and change their behavior too!4
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