Unwanted attention

thereshegoesagain
thereshegoesagain Posts: 1,056 Member
edited December 2 in Success Stories
As a young girl I was molested by an older cousin when our families would get together. As a result, I became very overweight in an attempt to ward off boys and as I got older, men. I was in my 40's before I got into therapy to deal with my feelings.
I met my future husband and got married at the ripe old age of 44 and we have a great relationship.
Now that I am at a healthy weight, (95 pounds down!) I am getting attention from strangers and it makes me uncomfortable.
I was just at the local Pharmacy and as I left, I noticed 3 men that were checking me out as I walked through the parking lot. They weren't an any way threatening, but I quickened my pace to get back to my car.
Fortunately, I had no desire to stuff my face like in the old days, but I do need to honor how I feel.
I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?
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Replies

  • dtmwed
    dtmwed Posts: 130 Member
    I have a similar experience to you and it bothers me to no end. I honestly try to ignore it and move on. If they are forward I try to just get out of situation. You can't do much about others peoples action just your response to them.
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
    Still dealing with this issue on a smaller scale then I use to. I struggle with every ten pound weight loss. Congrats on getting through the emotional aspect of it - that gives me hope it will eventually totally go away for me. As for what you do now, I think exactly what you just did. You acknowledge your feelings but you don't eat from it. I like the idea of a self defense class and I may do that as well when I lose all I need to. I need to feel like I can protect myself if needed and perhaps that will give you a strength and feel less vulnerable when being looked at. Ultimately, it is the vulnerability that gets us mentally.
  • dutchandkiwi
    dutchandkiwi Posts: 1,389 Member
    @Christine_72 I totally a gree with you.
    The one thing about getting into shape again is the increase of feeling that I am also considered part of the meatmarket again. The gawking is really really annoying, I do not feel threatened often, but it does happen, sometimes situations can feel unsafe.
  • JennB629
    JennB629 Posts: 54 Member
    I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.
  • allenpriest
    allenpriest Posts: 1,102 Member
    JennB629 wrote: »
    I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

    What in the world is a"trigger warning"???
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Nope.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    I have abuse in my past as well, and I also got heavy, but I have never put those two outcomes together, really. I got heavy because I liked to eat and never watched my diet.

    I guess I dealt with the abuse in a logical way and didn't let it bother me; never had any sort of therapy for it. It happened, it wasn't my fault, and I'm not the only one that this has happened to. Doesn't make it right, just that this is how I have viewed it. And I have lost the weight and I guess maybe I get checked out more, but honestly I don't ever notice it or pay attention to it. I live in a college town and I think I'm generally too old for anyone to notice lol! But when it does happen, I generally don't feel at all threatened by it. For one thing, I'm strong enough these days that anyone would have a serious fight on their hands if they tried anything - and that's empowering in itself.

  • opalquartz
    opalquartz Posts: 65 Member
    JennB629 wrote: »
    I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

    What in the world is a"trigger warning"???

    A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc

    Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.
  • KiyaK
    KiyaK Posts: 519 Member
    opalquartz wrote: »
    Street harassment and catcalling are an unacceptable part of our culture. We shouldn't blame ourselves for "attracting attention" for existing as women in public spaces, blame the culture that allows men to harass and make us feel unsafe with little to no repercussions.

    And I don't think it's reasonable to just say, "Oh, don't feel unsafe" when many of us have been followed or assaulted. No matter your weight there's some degree of harassment you experience, in my experience and at least in big cities, but it definitely increases as you get more conventionally attractive/thinner...

    Educating people about this problem of street harassment, especially men who can call out their bros when they see it happening, is vital. The problem is not that it's 'human nature' (or whatever) to make strangers feel unsafe. It's that women (and people who are perceived as women) are devalued and objectified. Moving through a public space doesn't make our bodies public property. Displays of harassment aren't even genuine attempts at interaction, they're power plays.

    And we're in a double bind in terms of how we can respond. Ignoring the comments/gestures/whatever is usually the safest option. Telling the harasser to f*** off might give them an excuse (in their mind) to get violent. Smiling or "thanks" in an attempt to politely get away might be construed as "leading them on." It's effed up.

    Yes, yes, yes to all of this.
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
    I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

    It's you. Most strangers that admire you have no bad intentions for you. I had a similar experience to yours only the relative in question was an older girl. Letting them control your life means you're letting them molest you again every time someone gives you attention.

    If this is still bothering you then some therapy would be helpful.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
    KiyaK wrote: »
    Yes. I get stared at, catcalled & once chased down the street. When we lived in Omaha I couldn't leave the house without being yelled at. Literally, one of the times I was wearing a hoodie & jeans. I actually had a friend have the nerve to tell me that I would be mad when I was old & fat and men don't catcall me anymore. Um, no.

    For the most part I just try to ignore people. But it bothers me that when I am walking down the street and I see a man walking towards me I cross the street.

    Wish I could be more positive, but it's something that really bothers me.

    As a citizen of Omaha, I can confirm it is the catcall capital of the US. We all get whistles and horns. A girl gets a whistle if she catches our fancy and a horn (sounds like the price is right horn when you guess incorrectly) if she is not our type. Its very streamlined and takes out all of the guesswork.
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
    ForMe2No wrote: »
    Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.

    The kind of guy that likes to hug his relatives? I don't understand.
  • billglitch
    billglitch Posts: 538 Member
    I can not say i know how you feel, but I have a few thoughts. The fact that men notice you means you have done a good job in losing weight and that you are an attractive women. What you dont know is that women notice too, but are probably less obvious or you dont notice because you dont feel that they are a threat. Our past experiences definitely influence the way we see the world.
  • Canuckgirl77
    Canuckgirl77 Posts: 123 Member
    Yes, I have the same feelings of discomfort (for attention from both sexes). As I lose weight, those feelings rise to the surface and it's a battle everyday. I find it difficult to even accept people's increased friendliness to me - I feel like I'm in the spotlight and it's a very uncomfortable place for me, especially since I've spent most of my life blending into the background unnoticed.
  • sc487
    sc487 Posts: 102 Member
    Carry a big-*kitten* walking stick everywhere you go. If people ask, tell tem you have a bad ankle (I do, convenient excuse). People will look from a distance but even the most branded moron knows big stick = big pain.
  • Cheesy567
    Cheesy567 Posts: 1,186 Member
    Last time I lost weight was with a 12 step group. Around 80+ lbs.
    I was normally the only guy in my group so the compliments came; and came, and came. At times they were a bit more colorful than they should be; asking me to dance on the table. Being leered at by my wife's coworkers. Some cute, some creepy.
    Learned a lot through that experience. To this day I'm extremely hesitant to compliment a woman; unless we are close enough and then I'm somewhat hesitant.

    I "like" this-- not that you were harassed, but that you're sharing your experience. It's a great example of what women have to deal with, how uncomfortable it is. I hope other guys take it to heart and change their behavior too!
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