Unwanted attention

thereshegoesagain · June 2016

As a young girl I was molested by an older cousin when our families would get together. As a result, I became very overweight in an attempt to ward off boys and as I got older, men. I was in my 40's before I got into therapy to deal with my feelings.
I met my future husband and got married at the ripe old age of 44 and we have a great relationship.
Now that I am at a healthy weight, (95 pounds down!) I am getting attention from strangers and it makes me uncomfortable.
I was just at the local Pharmacy and as I left, I noticed 3 men that were checking me out as I walked through the parking lot. They weren't an any way threatening, but I quickened my pace to get back to my car.
Fortunately, I had no desire to stuff my face like in the old days, but I do need to honor how I feel.
I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

elisa123gal · June 2016

In my experience I have turned "invisible" when I gain weight. It is so odd how at a certain lower weight.. all of a sudden I appear again.. and yes.. men look. Many men look out of instinct and forget as soon as they pass by.…I don't think you should take it serious or feel threatened.

JessicaMcB · June 2016

I've never been a big fan of random guys hitting on me and my husband is REALLY not a fan but I generally don't find these kinds of men threatening. Recently I had some really classy guy shout, "MILF Alert!" at me as I was pushing the double stroller full of toddlers with the baby strapped to me- having my 3 year old ask me, "What's a miff?" all afternoon was some bs. Would I be afraid of him though? No. I'm honestly more inclined to be wary of men who following too closely but AREN'T making their presence known/are trying to conceal themselves because that is more obviously threatening (to me anyway).

Given your experiences though it makes sense that you would struggle with feeling this way, and those feelings are valid. I hope you start to find more comfortability around strange men with time. Congrats on your fabulous weight loss!

KiyaK · June 2016

Yes. I get stared at, catcalled & once chased down the street. When we lived in Omaha I couldn't leave the house without being yelled at. Literally, one of the times I was wearing a hoodie & jeans. I actually had a friend have the nerve to tell me that I would be mad when I was old & fat and men don't catcall me anymore. Um, no.

For the most part I just try to ignore people. But it bothers me that when I am walking down the street and I see a man walking towards me I cross the street.

Wish I could be more positive, but it's something that really bothers me.

dtmwed · June 2016

I have a similar experience to you and it bothers me to no end. I honestly try to ignore it and move on. If they are forward I try to just get out of situation. You can't do much about others peoples action just your response to them.

rachellosesitall85 · June 2016

OP, I too am a victim of sexual abuse and assault and I used fat as my security blanket as well so I completely understand where you are coming from.

And, now that you are dealing with your past, and unveiling the person you really are- people are noticing including men. The thing is, you can't allow it to hinder you any longer. Maybe take it as a compliment?

Just know that without our fat suit were our vulnerable selves but we are no longer victims. You've done an amazing job at fighting and taking back your life. No one else is going to hurt you. You are safe, now.

If it'll be of any help, perhaps a self-defense class will put you at ease? I plan on taking one myself. No need to hide who we are and eat our way back to old habits. It's mainly just fear and fear isn't real. We're mainly afraid of things that are probably never going to happen. Thing is, you conquered it!

Truth is, men are going to look, period. They looked at my highest of 258 and they'll keep looking, it's just human nature. But what you do with that info is entirely up to you. Smile (or not) and just keep it moving. You've worked too hard and you deserve to be the person you were destined to be.

ronjsteele1 · June 2016

Still dealing with this issue on a smaller scale then I use to. I struggle with every ten pound weight loss. Congrats on getting through the emotional aspect of it - that gives me hope it will eventually totally go away for me. As for what you do now, I think exactly what you just did. You acknowledge your feelings but you don't eat from it. I like the idea of a self defense class and I may do that as well when I lose all I need to. I need to feel like I can protect myself if needed and perhaps that will give you a strength and feel less vulnerable when being looked at. Ultimately, it is the vulnerability that gets us mentally.

Christine_72 · June 2016

I've never had any past issues with men or abuse, but I hate, hate, hate being gawked at! I feel like a piece of meat or an animal in the zoo being leered at by sleazy men. I swear some of them across like they've never seen a woman before in their life!
I just roll my eyes and keep walking.

The only male attention I want and need is from my husband, I couldn't give a flying flip what some random man thinks of me, and definitely do not need validation from a stranger.

Sorry for rambling, but this is a massive pet hate of mine.

dutchandkiwi · June 2016

@Christine_72 I totally a gree with you.
The one thing about getting into shape again is the increase of feeling that I am also considered part of the meatmarket again. The gawking is really really annoying, I do not feel threatened often, but it does happen, sometimes situations can feel unsafe.

JennB629 · June 2016

I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

allenpriest · June 2016

JennB629 wrote: »

I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

What in the world is a"trigger warning"???

randomtai · June 2016

Nope.

opalquartz · June 2016

Street harassment and catcalling are an unacceptable part of our culture. We shouldn't blame ourselves for "attracting attention" for existing as women in public spaces, blame the culture that allows men to harass and make us feel unsafe with little to no repercussions.

And I don't think it's reasonable to just say, "Oh, don't feel unsafe" when many of us have been followed or assaulted. No matter your weight there's some degree of harassment you experience, in my experience and at least in big cities, but it definitely increases as you get more conventionally attractive/thinner...

Educating people about this problem of street harassment, especially men who can call out their bros when they see it happening, is vital. The problem is not that it's 'human nature' (or whatever) to make strangers feel unsafe. It's that women (and people who are perceived as women) are devalued and objectified. Moving through a public space doesn't make our bodies public property. Displays of harassment aren't even genuine attempts at interaction, they're power plays.

And we're in a double bind in terms of how we can respond. Ignoring the comments/gestures/whatever is usually the safest option. Telling the harasser to f*** off might give them an excuse (in their mind) to get violent. Smiling or "thanks" in an attempt to politely get away might be construed as "leading them on." It's effed up.

emdeesea · June 2016

I have abuse in my past as well, and I also got heavy, but I have never put those two outcomes together, really. I got heavy because I liked to eat and never watched my diet.

I guess I dealt with the abuse in a logical way and didn't let it bother me; never had any sort of therapy for it. It happened, it wasn't my fault, and I'm not the only one that this has happened to. Doesn't make it right, just that this is how I have viewed it. And I have lost the weight and I guess maybe I get checked out more, but honestly I don't ever notice it or pay attention to it. I live in a college town and I think I'm generally too old for anyone to notice lol! But when it does happen, I generally don't feel at all threatened by it. For one thing, I'm strong enough these days that anyone would have a serious fight on their hands if they tried anything - and that's empowering in itself.

opalquartz · June 2016

allenpriest wrote: »

JennB629 wrote: »

I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

What in the world is a"trigger warning"???

A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc

Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.

KiyaK · June 2016

opalquartz wrote: »

Street harassment and catcalling are an unacceptable part of our culture. We shouldn't blame ourselves for "attracting attention" for existing as women in public spaces, blame the culture that allows men to harass and make us feel unsafe with little to no repercussions.

And I don't think it's reasonable to just say, "Oh, don't feel unsafe" when many of us have been followed or assaulted. No matter your weight there's some degree of harassment you experience, in my experience and at least in big cities, but it definitely increases as you get more conventionally attractive/thinner...

Educating people about this problem of street harassment, especially men who can call out their bros when they see it happening, is vital. The problem is not that it's 'human nature' (or whatever) to make strangers feel unsafe. It's that women (and people who are perceived as women) are devalued and objectified. Moving through a public space doesn't make our bodies public property. Displays of harassment aren't even genuine attempts at interaction, they're power plays.

And we're in a double bind in terms of how we can respond. Ignoring the comments/gestures/whatever is usually the safest option. Telling the harasser to f*** off might give them an excuse (in their mind) to get violent. Smiling or "thanks" in an attempt to politely get away might be construed as "leading them on." It's effed up.

Yes, yes, yes to all of this.

loreefabulous · June 2016

I definitely understand where you are coming from. This is something I struggle with in this journey. My husband has been such a tremendous help at helping me face my fears. I've been trying to lose the weight on and off for years almost 1/2 my life and I realized recently that I would stop losing the weight whenever I started getting attention from guys. This time is different. I am going to push through this and get to my goal weight in an attempt to no longer be controlled by what happened to me in my past. It's not easy. Everyday it is a mental and emotional challenge but I am tired of giving into my fears. People are starting to notice my weight loss and it does make me uncomfortable my next step is to enroll in a kickboxing class. Thank you for posting your story. It helps that I am not the only one that feels this way. It also helps me to write this out because I've been quiet for way too long and it has imprisoned me for way too long. Hope this helps you and you find your peace.

ForMe2No · June 2016

Just as @emdeesea state I have abuse in my past as well but never put the two together. My weight gain came in my late teens and I think I just never moved enough and I like sweets. I do understand where you are coming from though. I have never been comfortable with being the center of attention so it is a little uncomfortable but I too just ignore it and keep moving. But what really creeps me out a bit is the way one or two of my male relatives look at me and want to greet me with a hug but never greeted me with a hug before...down right creepy and I never saw them as that type of guy.

suzyjane1972 · June 2016

opalquartz wrote: »

allenpriest wrote: »

JennB629 wrote: »

I'm sorry for what happened, as I have walked these shoes, but you should put your subject as a tigger warning.

What in the world is a"trigger warning"???

A warning that the content following includes a topic of discussion (here, for example tw: assault for OP's first post) that might cause someone with PTSD/anxiety/other disorders to painfully relive a past event. Other examples might be drug use, disordered eating, etc

Like how movie ratings warn for different potentially sensitive content.

in that context seeing the heading warning "XXX" isn't going to trigger someone that sensitive.??

We all have demons and I have enough to think about than if I'm inadvertently going to upset some special snowflake with something I post and I'm an adult and can scroll past or find a therapist if reading something makes me feel that bad.

_Waffle_ · June 2016

thereshegoesagain wrote: »

I'm curious, is anyone else experiencing discomfort when being admired by strangers, even though they say or do nothing threatening, or is it just me reacting to my past experiences?

It's you. Most strangers that admire you have no bad intentions for you. I had a similar experience to yours only the relative in question was an older girl. Letting them control your life means you're letting them molest you again every time someone gives you attention.

If this is still bothering you then some therapy would be helpful.

ryry_ · June 2016

KiyaK wrote: »

Yes. I get stared at, catcalled & once chased down the street. When we lived in Omaha I couldn't leave the house without being yelled at. Literally, one of the times I was wearing a hoodie & jeans. I actually had a friend have the nerve to tell me that I would be mad when I was old & fat and men don't catcall me anymore. Um, no.

For the most part I just try to ignore people. But it bothers me that when I am walking down the street and I see a man walking towards me I cross the street.

Wish I could be more positive, but it's something that really bothers me.

As a citizen of Omaha, I can confirm it is the catcall capital of the US. We all get whistles and horns. A girl gets a whistle if she catches our fancy and a horn (sounds like the price is right horn when you guess incorrectly) if she is not our type. Its very streamlined and takes out all of the guesswork.

Unwanted attention

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