Dating since divorce or breakup
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DetroitDarin wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »Whoever said above that love is the easiest thing in the world is wrong. Love is work because it has to evolve, just as people do.
What I mean is - Love can't be taught nor earned. Love can't be coerced or convinced. The 'loving' part of the relationship should be the single easiest aspect. Learning to put the toilet set back up - sure. That's something to work on. Paying bills? Yup. Let's talk. But the almost innate feeling or desire to be close to the other person is something that if taught, coerced, decided-upon, or convinced-into-existence is not love.
Said another way - 'doing things' is not love. But when you love, you serve the other person's interests because that brings you happiness too. The things we do are symptoms of how we feel - not the other way around.
This is what love looks like -
"Honey I am really hurt about this."
"I am so sorry I hurt you"
Love does NOT look like this:
"Honey, you HURT me, you jerk! You better apologize!"
"Yeah, but YOU are the one who started it!"
Love looks like this:
"Ugh. These bills are killing me, babe."
"I am so thankful you're taking care of those for us. C'mere" (as he/she gets into their lap).
Love doesn't look like this:
"OMG! How DARE you spend $10 on a COFFEE! What is WRONG with you?"
"Oh! So now I don't get to buy Coffee?? Is that it? What about your spending money on golf?"
Love looks like this:
"I am really hurt by you and I am angry. Come here and touch me for a little bit"
or
"I love you to the moon. I am upset right now, but we got this - we'll be okay. I need some me-time to sort through this"
If our natural responses to our partners are rooted in self-interest or self-esteem, there's no love in that response.
Because Love is EASY. NATURAL. It's not something that has to be guarded or controlled or metered. If Love exists being kind, nice, loving, helpful - those things are EASY. They are second-nature.
Now - personality conflicts? Those can be awful and take years of work to correct. But those aren't love. Commitment is not easy either! Learning to live with somebody? Takes work.
Love is coming home from vacation to see a mess of dishes in the kitchen; making love on top of the mess; then cleaning together. Love is walking into a room and allowing the gravity of your lover pull you towards them. Next to them. Because that's the most-natural and welcoming place you want to be.
And stuff and junk or whatever.
I think you're confusing Love with a Hallmark/ Lifetime movie...
Love isn't 'coming home to a mess of dishes and making love on top of the mess'.That's not real life. Love is coming home to that and saying 'I'll put the kids to bed, you start on the dishes'. It's dividing the 'kitten' things in life and sharing the good things. Love is seeing each other raw, angry, sick, sulky (and occasionally covered in poop/puke) and knowing that although there are times you want to kill each other, you will still try to be a better person. For the one you love.3 -
Happily married. Gotta say though after my experience growing up, if I ever end up single again, I will remain that way. And like great movies, a great wife doesn't need a sequel.
I'm one of 5. My father re-married someone with 3 kids. She turned out to be the living embodiment of Cinderella's step mom. My father married again after I left home. To say she was a few sandwiches short of a picnic is being kind. My father, for all his education, had no internal radar warning system for crazy.
The smart ones never do lol. I'm glad he ditched evil stepmom though. A few sandwiches short sounds a little better. That's like my stepmom now but if I figure if my dads happy then I should be happy.
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: ». . . What I mean is - Love can't be taught nor earned. Love can't be coerced or convinced. The 'loving' part of the relationship should be the single easiest aspect. Learning to put the toilet set back up - sure. That's something to work on. Paying bills? Yup. Let's talk. But the almost innate feeling or desire to be close to the other person is something that if taught, coerced, decided-upon, or convinced-into-existence is not love. . . .
I think you're confusing Love with a Hallmark/ Lifetime movie...
Love isn't 'coming home to a mess of dishes and making love on top of the mess'.That's not real life. Love is coming home to that and saying 'I'll put the kids to bed, you start on the dishes'. It's dividing the 'kitten' things in life and sharing the good things. Love is seeing each other raw, angry, sick, sulky (and occasionally covered in poop/puke) and knowing that although there are times you want to kill each other, you will still try to be a better person. For the one you love.
Waaalllll, we are all entitled to varying opinions, and my opinion is that Darin nailed it with the above-mentioned post. What he wrote is not based upon movies and cards; it is based upon a Truth for those fortunate enough to find it.
Some people assuredly like the drama of conflict (which I see as the opposite of what Darin wrote), but others of us have the love he defined there. Surely, I enjoy a good occasional debate, but I neither want to live continuously that way, nor do I want to give it to my husband, my love, my mate.1 -
RainaProske wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: ». . . What I mean is - Love can't be taught nor earned. Love can't be coerced or convinced. The 'loving' part of the relationship should be the single easiest aspect. Learning to put the toilet set back up - sure. That's something to work on. Paying bills? Yup. Let's talk. But the almost innate feeling or desire to be close to the other person is something that if taught, coerced, decided-upon, or convinced-into-existence is not love. . . .
I think you're confusing Love with a Hallmark/ Lifetime movie...
Love isn't 'coming home to a mess of dishes and making love on top of the mess'.That's not real life. Love is coming home to that and saying 'I'll put the kids to bed, you start on the dishes'. It's dividing the 'kitten' things in life and sharing the good things. Love is seeing each other raw, angry, sick, sulky (and occasionally covered in poop/puke) and knowing that although there are times you want to kill each other, you will still try to be a better person. For the one you love.
Waaalllll, we are all entitled to varying opinions, and my opinion is that Darin nailed it with the above-mentioned post. What he wrote is not based upon movies and cards; it is based upon a Truth for those fortunate enough to find it.
Some people assuredly like the drama of conflict (which I see as the opposite of what Darin wrote), but others of us have the love he defined there. Surely, I enjoy a good occasional debate, but I neither want to live continuously that way, nor do I want to give it to my husband, my love, my mate.
Who said anyone wants to live continuously arguing with their spouse ? I certainly don't (and I rarely do, actually). Nobody is perfect. Real lovers accept each other's flaws and the fact that sometimes you're not going to agree...
But good luck with your superior sense of yourself and your relationship.0 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »Who said anyone wants to live continuously arguing with their spouse ? I certainly don't (and I rarely do, actually). Nobody is perfect. Real lovers accept each other's flaws and the fact that sometimes you're not going to agree...
But good luck with your superior sense of yourself and your relationship.
Sorry you assumed that I think I am superior. We were discussing different types of relationships. That is all. I was actually thinking, regarding our different ways of approaching love, "Vive la différence!" not criticizing your ways. I can't even imagine doing that.
By the way, I have known people who love conflict -- thrive upon it and do well. One example is the marriage in the house next door. Very conflicting, but they've thrived many years. Another is a long marriage from my past, and they're still together -- probably for about 40 years. My parents' own marriage was full of conflict, but they were married well over 50 years. I've seen it work.0 -
Omg, can we get a therapist? Awe damn I am one. Ok, I'm going to settle this the most adult way possible . . .one, two, three, NOT IT!!!!!
And yes, back to sex and the point of this thread lol1 -
Dating has been a roller coaster since my divorce. I would much rather find one person to invest my time with vs the whole fwb/fb/dating game which has just become repetitive and annoying. There aren't many real connections between people anymore IMO1
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Real connections? What is that? This is the social media age...just connect through the Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram, Texting. Now THAT's real. 0
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assume signing up at a gym and focusing on NSA open relationship(s) for a wee bit might not be the answer you were looking for?
Why wouldn't it be? Trying new people to see what is out there. After a long term relationship or marriage where sex might get boring, why the hell not after a breakup or divorce?0 -
I am 42 years old and have been with my husband since I was 19. I retained a lawyer for our divorce about three weeks ago. I can't wait to get back out there. I am losing weight, self employed and have two awesome kids. I never got to play the field when I was younger but I am now. I am independent and love it so why not explore sex more, I never did in the past. Maybe I will find someone in the future maybe my next husband is already in my life and I don't know it yet, but anything has to be better then staying in a relationship where I no longer love or respect my partner.6
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One day at a time0
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I'm in a relationship for over 3 years now and I'm not happy. I'm scared to death of dating again. I'm 38 and still want children. The pressure is killing me.0
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
I think you're confusing Love with a Hallmark/ Lifetime movie...
Love isn't 'coming home to a mess of dishes and making love on top of the mess'.That's not real life. Love is coming home to that and saying 'I'll put the kids to bed, you start on the dishes'. It's dividing the 'kitten' things in life and sharing the good things. Love is seeing each other raw, angry, sick, sulky (and occasionally covered in poop/puke) and knowing that although there are times you want to kill each other, you will still try to be a better person. For the one you love.
You're agreeing with me more than you know. Of course love is also exactly like you describe. But doing those things is not love. The love is the fuel that gives strength for that stuff however those things can be done for one a dozen motivating factors.
I know many people who stay in terrible relationships because they are afraid to seek and wait for what they truly want. And if not terrible I mean mediocre. I mean "Well, I could do a lot worse!". I know people who believe having a spouse or s/o actually be NICE is something "only in the movies". I AM people who stayed in a borderline emotionally abusive relationship for more than a decade (nearly two). I use boderline-emtionally-abusive because I believe she didn't have the intent, more she simply lacked capacity for emotional intelligence to the degree I expected (there's that word, expect/expectations. I hate it). Because of that my experience drives my feelings about Love. And of course what i write are my experiences alone and love is forever-shaded based on my experience. Just happens. That said...
Doing the things you wrote about - doing those from a position of "Okay, I did my share!" is not love. Doing those things from a position of humility, doing them within the attitude of feeling a little bit honored to help-out your s/o...that's the key because anyone could do those things harboring resentment; which means none of those things are done from within a base of love. Those things - any things - can become part of this accursed 'transaction-based relationships' (e.g. "Well, I put the kids to bed!! You should (insert expectation)!") "Scholars" and even "doctors" tell us.
Those things become what turns into the single-most common of Relationship Destroyer...
Compromise. Compromise kills.
Compromise - when both parties settle (cringe) for less than what they want.
So - you and I probably view love the same way, except maybe I'm more focused on the motivation behind whatever it is folks show.0 -
I've been single for 4 years after a terrible breakup that left me crushed. I've only been on 2 dates in that time and the prospect of dating and being vulnerable again terrifies me.1
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I won't start dating until I've dropped 100 pounds. I'm getting divorced and it should be done by November 2016); plus I was told she was/is divorcing me because I got too overweight......as so I was told.
I live in the Saint Louis Metro (O'Fallon Illinois) but I work in Earth City, MO.
My name is Kevin and I wanted to take a moment and share - Personally; I've been going through a divorce since Nov 2015 and spent the better part of that time self-loathing and putting on way too much weight and adopting too many unhealthy habits.
I want to loose 100+ pounds - for me!
I'm ready to change and today I start.
Care to add me as a friend?3 -
KevinPsalm23v4 wrote: »I won't start dating until I've dropped 100 pounds. I'm getting divorced and it should be done by November 2016); plus I was told she was/is divorcing me because I got too overweight......as so I was told.
I live in the Saint Louis Metro (O'Fallon Illinois) but I work in Earth City, MO.
My name is Kevin and I wanted to take a moment and share - Personally; I've been going through a divorce since Nov 2015 and spent the better part of that time self-loathing and putting on way too much weight and adopting too many unhealthy habits.
I want to loose 100+ pounds - for me!
I'm ready to change and today I start.
Care to add me as a friend?
I'm sorry man!0 -
How did spankings become a topic in all the wrong ways???2
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I ended a five year relationship many years ago and just kind of did other stuff until I felt like dating again. My three year relationship ended two weeks ago and I don't really know what to do...guess I'll start dating when it feels right...0
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