Dating since divorce or breakup
Replies
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DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement'
No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
I agree that he can't have it both ways. Sex is an essential part of love and intimacy.
Froma legal point of view, technically you and your husband are separated from the last time you had sex (regardless of whether you are married and live together). So if you haven't had sex for a year then you have technically been separated for 1 year. That makes it much easier for you to divorce him regardless if he wants to or not. Definitely consult a lawyer asap.1 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
I agree with you 100%. That part about "to have and to hold" isn't about hugging. I've explained to him that he's broken his marriage vows and he agrees....and then does nothing to change it. I'm past the point of giving him more chances; I'm just biding my time until I file for divorce and I will be filing based on constructive abandonment.
It was terrible for a while; I won't lie about that. I'm on an antidepressant and I'm in therapy and these have helped a lot. I've been focusing on fitness so I spend a good deal of time at the gym or out running and that's a huge help. I'm trying to be the best me I can be for myself right now and maybe someone else down the line.2 -
Divorce is hard but it does pass and if done correctly can work to everyone's advantage.
I do agree with some of the above posters that I do not understand how people just go from a long time marriage right into another serious relationship without taking the time to heal, get to know themselves, and get comfortable with being on their own.
I've been single now for 9 years and although I dated here and there I did take the first few years to learn how to be me again and to raise my child.
Now, I won't settle and I am picky about who or if I date.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.
Why are you talking about forcing sex? Like suddenly switching the topic to bacon.
As an aside can we agree using sex as a punishment or reward is emotional abuse.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.
Why are you talking about forcing sex? Like suddenly switching the topic to bacon.
As an aside can we agree using sex as a punishment or reward is emotional abuse.
True. It's a bit like saying eating a piece of cake when you're not that hungry is the same as someone holding you down and force feeding it to you. Umm, no...0 -
I do not understand how people just go from a long time marriage right into another serious relationship without taking the time to heal, get to know themselves, and get comfortable with being on their own.
Amen. Too many people chase needs instead of getting to understand something deeper about relationships. Again, when sex is not happening in a relationship it is almost always a symptom of other issues and NOT the actual issue. It just happens to be what people focus on, then go and find somewhere else.
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kirstenleigh123 wrote: »So where do people go to meet people now a days? Online dating is terrible!
MPF might work, the gym, a cooking class, church, a store/mall via idle chit-chat0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »@KevinPsalm23v4I won't start dating until I've dropped 100 pounds. I'm getting divorced and it should be done by November 2016); plus I was told she was/is divorcing me because I got too overweight......as so I was told.
I live in the Saint Louis Metro (O'Fallon Illinois) but I work in Earth City, MO.
My name is Kevin and I wanted to take a moment and share - Personally; I've been going through a divorce since Nov 2015 and spent the better part of that time self-loathing and putting on way too much weight and adopting too many unhealthy habits.
I want to loose 100+ pounds - for me!
I'm ready to change and today I start.
Care to add me as a friend?
Can I share some stuff with you?
The breaking point in my marriage was this: Father's day 2012 she said to me, as we were getting ready for a date night, "Darin - you know how you ask me why I never pounce you when you get home from work, and I don't initiate affection and that stuff? It'd because physically, I am not drawn to you. Physically you are not somebody I would want to be intimate with. I mean, I'm still willing to stay married and have s3x with you and all that. But that's why."
Was floored. Was about the same weight I am now, and I know she has other things she's working through and it was not just about me. My point is to say you are not alone. You are not living in a vacuum. I had sixty pounds to lose from my heaviest (which was about two years before my wife said that to me), and currently have another 40ish to drop; 40 of fat. But I'm telling you, you may feel like you're wearing a fat suit. You may feel trapped in your body and mentally are clawing at yourself trying for a rebirth; to be born anew in a new and more-true body.
Embrace where you are. You have the body you've earned. That's depressing but never. never. NEVER forget you will GET the body you earn from here on out. One year from now you will be SO GLAD you started today.
I wrote this not long after my marriage was done.
Why am I doing this - the weight loss? Couple motivating factors, really - one of which; the probable impetus to this journey I won't discuss until a few important decisions are made. Suffice it to say when I look at my body with an honest eye I'm heartbroken. I see me in a suit. Not 'me'. 'Me' is kinda cute. 'Me' is able to run with my dog for more than 11 minutes before feeling like I'm going to die. 'Me' is confident, outgoing, secure. Fat-Suit Me (FSM) is the opposite. FSM is afraid of everyone - especially women I find attractive. FSM is scared to death of being in a situation where my shirt should be off. No, I'm not the guy who wears a shirt at the beach, while swimming - so I'd stay on the beach in some sort of cover. FSM sees my photos and wants to gag. FSM photoshops 90% of my photos to hide what I have become. FSM wants to crawl into a very large hole and sink away. No more. FMS will die - yes, but when FSM dies, "Darin" will live again.
While in Jamaica last year I visited a craft market. My guide, Ras Rody walked beside me and listened. I said to Ras - "These folks keep asking me to visit their store. I don't have the energy and time to visit every booth here, but I don't want to be impolite!"
"It is also impolite to care for the needs of others, but not your own".
Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't care about my needs. I jumble my needs - I re-state my needs as merely 'wants' - in an effort to control missing them, as they lay unfulfilled. I suppose I do not NEED love, or romance. I suppose I do not NEED a beach-body. I suppose I do not NEED friends and people. Those are all just 'nice things' to have. Those are, collectively, gravy.
Today - actually starting about since the first of June - I begin to acknowledge what I need. I begin to stick up for myself a little bit. Today I look at my life and who I am and declare I'm pretty important - if not to others, I am to myself.
Below - photo of me at my heaviest, approaching 260lbs - 25lbs more than I am now.
Kevin. Make weight-loss your b|tch.
Another great motivating thing I found:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA
THANK YOU!!!!0
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