Dating since divorce or breakup
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DetroitDarin wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
I think you're confusing Love with a Hallmark/ Lifetime movie...
Love isn't 'coming home to a mess of dishes and making love on top of the mess'.That's not real life. Love is coming home to that and saying 'I'll put the kids to bed, you start on the dishes'. It's dividing the 'kitten' things in life and sharing the good things. Love is seeing each other raw, angry, sick, sulky (and occasionally covered in poop/puke) and knowing that although there are times you want to kill each other, you will still try to be a better person. For the one you love.
You're agreeing with me more than you know. Of course love is also exactly like you describe. But doing those things is not love. The love is the fuel that gives strength for that stuff however those things can be done for one a dozen motivating factors.
I know many people who stay in terrible relationships because they are afraid to seek and wait for what they truly want. And if not terrible I mean mediocre. I mean "Well, I could do a lot worse!". I know people who believe having a spouse or s/o actually be NICE is something "only in the movies". I AM people who stayed in a borderline emotionally abusive relationship for more than a decade (nearly two). I use boderline-emtionally-abusive because I believe she didn't have the intent, more she simply lacked capacity for emotional intelligence to the degree I expected (there's that word, expect/expectations. I hate it). Because of that my experience drives my feelings about Love. And of course what i write are my experiences alone and love is forever-shaded based on my experience. Just happens. That said...
Doing the things you wrote about - doing those from a position of "Okay, I did my share!" is not love. Doing those things from a position of humility, doing them within the attitude of feeling a little bit honored to help-out your s/o...that's the key because anyone could do those things harboring resentment; which means none of those things are done from within a base of love. Those things - any things - can become part of this accursed 'transaction-based relationships' (e.g. "Well, I put the kids to bed!! You should (insert expectation)!") "Scholars" and even "doctors" tell us.
Those things become what turns into the single-most common of Relationship Destroyer...
Compromise. Compromise kills.
Compromise - when both parties settle (cringe) for less than what they want.
So - you and I probably view love the same way, except maybe I'm more focused on the motivation behind whatever it is folks show.
You know what, you're right. I do agree with you on most things. But I would say compromise is part of a healthy relationship (because no couple agrees on everything and a lot of any relationship is doing stuff you would rather not be doing). But to compromise on who you're with because you don't want to be alone? Yes that's completely toxic.0 -
I'm sitting on the fence, trying to decide when to retain a lawyer. My husband and I get along ok-ish but there's no intimacy. I've done everything I could to fix this and he's obviously not interested, but he also doesn't want to divorce. I would like to be available in case I meet someone I'm interested in, but we have minor children at home and we're covering costs for another child in college.
I hate to say this but I'm not impressed by what I've seen of men my age in my area. Most of them don't take care of themselves at all (neither does my spouse so he's in good company!).
Right now, I'm concentrating on my interests because I feel fulfilled and if I'm going to meet someone with similar interests, it would probably be while I'm pursing those interests. I can get some stuff accomplished while I figure out what I'm doing with my life (if I ever do).
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I'm a serial monogamist. I've flung myself from one relationship to the next like a gymnast on the uneven bars; there's been good relationships, there's been bad ones, and I don't touch the ground in between. Going from my last relationship (4 years, lived together) to now with my husband has been... Idk, I'm gonna bullet point this.
-I'm so glad I've gotten every single second with my husband that I have. If I could go back in time, I'd break up with my boyfriend straight out of college (or never date him at all!) so I could start something with my husband the moment I meet him. I wouldn't have wasted years on a dead relationship. So I don't regret not having any real "single" time in between the two.
-I never gave myself time or space to heal from some of the trauma of that last relationship. It's been years now, and I still flinch or brace for verbal impact when I "screw something up," like leave my towel on the floor or disagree with my husband. My ex would chew me out and tell me how wrong I was. My husband would never, ever do anything like that. I probably should have spent a while in therapy. I probably should still go to therapy.
-Also residual from my previous relationship, I had so much fear that I was going to be disappointing from a physical standpoint. Not attractive enough, not good enough in bed, not wild enough. Early in our relationship, I'd watch porn with my now-husband because I thought he liked it. One night, I suddenly broke down sobbing mid-movie because my stomach wasn't flat like the porn star's. We talked about it. Then he admitted that porn was what he did when he was single, not something he wanted now... It just made him feel lonely, mostly. We built up a lot of trust with each other that night, but man, I carried a lot of baggage in with me. I'm lucky I found someone who was willing to help me unpack it. I wonder how that night would have turned out if it was anyone but him... I'd probably be that crazy girl some dude tells dating horror stories about.
-My ex shows up in my dreams a lot, and it's really uncomfortable. I wasn't expecting to deal with that.
-People love to gossip and say what a *kitten* person you are when you start dating a new person "too quickly."
-Maybe I should have taken time to "figure out who I am" somewhere in there, but I think I'd just end up pestering my friends too much or owning a dozen cats because I need someone or something to care for.
-I wouldn't know how to date. I've never done it. I've just insta-coupled. Online dating sounds terrifying and soul-crushing.
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My parents got divorced four years ago at age 56. Dad swore he would never, ever remarry. He holed up for 6 months. Then he started being a regular at a couple of places around town and made friends - a warm-up to dating, in a way. He made some lady friends. He'd take them out dancing or to dinner without ever calling it a date - just people who mutually wanted company. Some of this evolved into real dates. A year ago my dad started seeing the woman who's now his fiancee. My dad is overweight, not particularly attractive, dorky... But he's a really nice, outgoing guy who likes to have a good time, and it worked out for him. I'm in awe of his ability to meet people and make friends. It's something I have no idea how to do.
Mom is trying online dating. I had to reject a guy for her. Seriously soul-crushing.0 -
mskessler89 wrote: »I'm a serial monogamist. I've flung myself from one relationship to the next like a gymnast on the uneven bars; there's been good relationships, there's been bad ones, and I don't touch the ground in between. Going from my last relationship (4 years, lived together) to now with my husband has been... Idk, I'm gonna bullet point this.
-I'm so glad I've gotten every single second with my husband that I have. If I could go back in time, I'd break up with my boyfriend straight out of college (or never date him at all!) so I could start something with my husband the moment I meet him. I wouldn't have wasted years on a dead relationship. So I don't regret not having any real "single" time in between the two.
-I never gave myself time or space to heal from some of the trauma of that last relationship. It's been years now, and I still flinch or brace for verbal impact when I "screw something up," like leave my towel on the floor or disagree with my husband. My ex would chew me out and tell me how wrong I was. My husband would never, ever do anything like that. I probably should have spent a while in therapy. I probably should still go to therapy.
-Also residual from my previous relationship, I had so much fear that I was going to be disappointing from a physical standpoint. Not attractive enough, not good enough in bed, not wild enough. Early in our relationship, I'd watch porn with my now-husband because I thought he liked it. One night, I suddenly broke down sobbing mid-movie because my stomach wasn't flat like the porn star's. We talked about it. Then he admitted that porn was what he did when he was single, not something he wanted now... It just made him feel lonely, mostly. We built up a lot of trust with each other that night, but man, I carried a lot of baggage in with me. I'm lucky I found someone who was willing to help me unpack it. I wonder how that night would have turned out if it was anyone but him... I'd probably be that crazy girl some dude tells dating horror stories about.
-My ex shows up in my dreams a lot, and it's really uncomfortable. I wasn't expecting to deal with that.
-People love to gossip and say what a *kitten* person you are when you start dating a new person "too quickly."
-Maybe I should have taken time to "figure out who I am" somewhere in there, but I think I'd just end up pestering my friends too much or owning a dozen cats because I need someone or something to care for.
-I wouldn't know how to date. I've never done it. I've just insta-coupled. Online dating sounds terrifying and soul-crushing.
---
My parents got divorced four years ago at age 56. Dad swore he would never, ever remarry. He holed up for 6 months. Then he started being a regular at a couple of places around town and made friends - a warm-up to dating, in a way. He made some lady friends. He'd take them out dancing or to dinner without ever calling it a date - just people who mutually wanted company. Some of this evolved into real dates. A year ago my dad started seeing the woman who's now his fiancee. My dad is overweight, not particularly attractive, dorky... But he's a really nice, outgoing guy who likes to have a good time, and it worked out for him. I'm in awe of his ability to meet people and make friends. It's something I have no idea how to do.
Mom is trying online dating. I had to reject a guy for her. Seriously soul-crushing.
Life's too short to wait 'because it's the right thing to do'. If you're ready... go for it.0 -
I hate online dating. It's absolutely exhausting, but I don't know how else to meet people. I just want to skip that whole process and find someone really cool, who appreciates how awesome I am. Sigh....
Also, MFP has spoiled me. I see all these amazing men my age and older and I'm like hey I like older men! In reality, some my age look way older.
No I'm not shallow, but dang I'm kind of cute and would like someone who isn't hard to look at.0 -
I hate online dating. It's absolutely exhausting, but I don't know how else to meet people. I just want to skip that whole process and find someone really cool, who appreciates how awesome I am. Sigh....
Also, MFP has spoiled me. I see all these amazing men my age and older and I'm like hey I like older men! In reality, some my age look way older.
No I'm not shallow, but dang I'm kind of cute and would like someone who isn't hard to look at.
My understanding is that online dating, was once a great avenue; for meeting someone. However it lost it's luster among the desirable & is currently only for the undesirable.0 -
So where do people go to meet people now a days? Online dating is terrible!0
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My husband left 5 years ago. I don't date. I met a man I was willing to take a chance with but he wasn't interested. Being alone is better. I don't think I am unhappy though.3
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FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I hate online dating. It's absolutely exhausting, but I don't know how else to meet people. I just want to skip that whole process and find someone really cool, who appreciates how awesome I am. Sigh....
Also, MFP has spoiled me. I see all these amazing men my age and older and I'm like hey I like older men! In reality, some my age look way older.
No I'm not shallow, but dang I'm kind of cute and would like someone who isn't hard to look at.
My understanding is that online dating, was once a great avenue; for meeting someone. However it lost it's luster among the desirable & is currently only for the undesirable.
I guess that makes me undesirable!
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FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I hate online dating. It's absolutely exhausting, but I don't know how else to meet people. I just want to skip that whole process and find someone really cool, who appreciates how awesome I am. Sigh....
Also, MFP has spoiled me. I see all these amazing men my age and older and I'm like hey I like older men! In reality, some my age look way older.
No I'm not shallow, but dang I'm kind of cute and would like someone who isn't hard to look at.
My understanding is that online dating, was once a great avenue; for meeting someone. However it lost it's luster among the desirable & is currently only for the undesirable.
I guess that makes me undesirable!
Basically an undesirable is either a narcissist, insane, a drama king/queen, severely disabled (raises hand) or a combination of those. If that isn't you, then you aren't an undesirable & thus don't belong there.0 -
I was married for about 16 years, our divorce was finalized in February. I don't know if this is true in other states, but as part of our divorce process we had to take a "parenting education class" on how to minimize damage to our children during the transition and how to help them with the changes. Also on how to not let the kids see any negativity between us, etc.... As part of the class, the instructor discussed when to date again after divorce. He gave two pieces of advice. One, don't date again for two years, because of the time the healing process takes. I don't know what that's based on or whether I agree, but that was one of his pieces of advice. The other was to imagine yourself creating a profile on an online dating site. Not to really do it, but to imagine what it would say IF YOU WERE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST in the profile. So, would it read like this: "Recently divorced. Can barely breathe. Suffering from major depression. Have lost everything." If, in total honesty, that's where you're at, probably better not to try to date, because it probably won't work out. However, if you can imagine yourself creating an online profile where you are more balanced and more back to being yourself, and don't have to lie in order to seem like a normal and appealing person, you are probably ready to date again. I thought that was a good way to look at it.4
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@KevinPsalm23v4I won't start dating until I've dropped 100 pounds. I'm getting divorced and it should be done by November 2016); plus I was told she was/is divorcing me because I got too overweight......as so I was told.
I live in the Saint Louis Metro (O'Fallon Illinois) but I work in Earth City, MO.
My name is Kevin and I wanted to take a moment and share - Personally; I've been going through a divorce since Nov 2015 and spent the better part of that time self-loathing and putting on way too much weight and adopting too many unhealthy habits.
I want to loose 100+ pounds - for me!
I'm ready to change and today I start.
Care to add me as a friend?
Can I share some stuff with you?
The breaking point in my marriage was this: Father's day 2012 she said to me, as we were getting ready for a date night, "Darin - you know how you ask me why I never pounce you when you get home from work, and I don't initiate affection and that stuff? It'd because physically, I am not drawn to you. Physically you are not somebody I would want to be intimate with. I mean, I'm still willing to stay married and have s3x with you and all that. But that's why."
Was floored. Was about the same weight I am now, and I know she has other things she's working through and it was not just about me. My point is to say you are not alone. You are not living in a vacuum. I had sixty pounds to lose from my heaviest (which was about two years before my wife said that to me), and currently have another 40ish to drop; 40 of fat. But I'm telling you, you may feel like you're wearing a fat suit. You may feel trapped in your body and mentally are clawing at yourself trying for a rebirth; to be born anew in a new and more-true body.
Embrace where you are. You have the body you've earned. That's depressing but never. never. NEVER forget you will GET the body you earn from here on out. One year from now you will be SO GLAD you started today.
I wrote this not long after my marriage was done.
Why am I doing this - the weight loss? Couple motivating factors, really - one of which; the probable impetus to this journey I won't discuss until a few important decisions are made. Suffice it to say when I look at my body with an honest eye I'm heartbroken. I see me in a suit. Not 'me'. 'Me' is kinda cute. 'Me' is able to run with my dog for more than 11 minutes before feeling like I'm going to die. 'Me' is confident, outgoing, secure. Fat-Suit Me (FSM) is the opposite. FSM is afraid of everyone - especially women I find attractive. FSM is scared to death of being in a situation where my shirt should be off. No, I'm not the guy who wears a shirt at the beach, while swimming - so I'd stay on the beach in some sort of cover. FSM sees my photos and wants to gag. FSM photoshops 90% of my photos to hide what I have become. FSM wants to crawl into a very large hole and sink away. No more. FMS will die - yes, but when FSM dies, "Darin" will live again.
While in Jamaica last year I visited a craft market. My guide, Ras Rody walked beside me and listened. I said to Ras - "These folks keep asking me to visit their store. I don't have the energy and time to visit every booth here, but I don't want to be impolite!"
"It is also impolite to care for the needs of others, but not your own".
Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't care about my needs. I jumble my needs - I re-state my needs as merely 'wants' - in an effort to control missing them, as they lay unfulfilled. I suppose I do not NEED love, or romance. I suppose I do not NEED a beach-body. I suppose I do not NEED friends and people. Those are all just 'nice things' to have. Those are, collectively, gravy.
Today - actually starting about since the first of June - I begin to acknowledge what I need. I begin to stick up for myself a little bit. Today I look at my life and who I am and declare I'm pretty important - if not to others, I am to myself.
Below - photo of me at my heaviest, approaching 260lbs - 25lbs more than I am now.
Kevin. Make weight-loss your b|tch.
Another great motivating thing I found:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA 4 -
Are you happy Burrito? I hope you are. Hope that's working out.0
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Steep_Burrito wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »Are you happy Burrito? I hope you are. Hope that's working out.
I'm happy because I create my own happiness. That, and from what my kids provide me, because they are my life.
excellent. All the best to you!1 -
I just had a weird breakup a week ago. We were together for 7 months...when I met him he told me he was separated. Turns out he wasn't. So I'm still pretty angry at the whole thing, but I know I'm going to have to date eventually. Someone asked me yesterday if I was putting myself 'out there' yet. The thought of creating a new online profile gives me a case of the 'icks'. I need to wait until what happened isn't so fresh in my mind, and I need this anger to subside before meeting other guys.
Online dating is exhausting! I met my recent ex on Tinder. So I won't be using that anymore!3 -
looking4better wrote: »I was married for about 16 years, our divorce was finalized in February. I don't know if this is true in other states, but as part of our divorce process we had to take a "parenting education class" on how to minimize damage to our children during the transition and how to help them with the changes. Also on how to not let the kids see any negativity between us, etc.... As part of the class, the instructor discussed when to date again after divorce. He gave two pieces of advice. One, don't date again for two years, because of the time the healing process takes. I don't know what that's based on or whether I agree, but that was one of his pieces of advice. The other was to imagine yourself creating a profile on an online dating site. Not to really do it, but to imagine what it would say IF YOU WERE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST in the profile. So, would it read like this: "Recently divorced. Can barely breathe. Suffering from major depression. Have lost everything." If, in total honesty, that's where you're at, probably better not to try to date, because it probably won't work out. However, if you can imagine yourself creating an online profile where you are more balanced and more back to being yourself, and don't have to lie in order to seem like a normal and appealing person, you are probably ready to date again. I thought that was a good way to look at it.
You know, I did that class and our instructor said there were no rules and it would be silly to impose an arbitrary timeline on a room full of people with different lives and stories. I agree with him. I started dating my husband almost immediately after splitting from my ex-husband (I never intended to date so soon, it just happened that way) and have never regretted it. I adore that man. People judging that it's 'too soon' need to mind their own business.1
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