Ug. How do I avoid/lose "boyfriend weight"?
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.0 -
My husband burns 1500 calories more than I do a day, and is not very health conscious. While he eats to live, food is something I look forward to. He always has high calories very tasty items for dinner because he can fit those in and have nutritious items. If I am sedentary, my tdee is ~1400 calories (5'2, 110lb) which doesn't leave much room for treats. I wait to eat when he eats, and usually have a bulky salad in addition to a main course. That way we're both eating together, and the salad takes me forever to eat so I feel like I am eating a lot. I don't really feel like I am missing out as I do have treats and decent meals, I just have the salad so I don't over eat. I also find that walking for an hour a day and strength training buy me more calories a day. I am actually trying to build more muscle as that will also help to increase the number of calories I can have. Essentially you need to move more and eat less, and make the bulk of your diet nutrient dense low calories items so you can have substantial amounts. Good luck!0
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
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MorganMoreaux wrote: »My husband burns 1500 calories more than I do a day, and is not very health conscious. While he eats to live, food is something I look forward to. He always has high calories very tasty items for dinner because he can fit those in and have nutritious items. If I am sedentary, my tdee is ~1400 calories (5'2, 110lb) which doesn't leave much room for treats. I wait to eat when he eats, and usually have a bulky salad in addition to a main course. That way we're both eating together, and the salad takes me forever to eat so I feel like I am eating a lot. I don't really feel like I am missing out as I do have treats and decent meals, I just have the salad so I don't over eat. I also find that walking for an hour a day and strength training buy me more calories a day. I am actually trying to build more muscle as that will also help to increase the number of calories I can have. Essentially you need to move more and eat less, and make the bulk of your diet nutrient dense low calories items so you can have substantial amounts. Good luck!
Good advice.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
This works for me. If it works for OP great. If it doesn't work for you, no worries.1 -
Another useful place you can reduce calories while eating the same meal is the drinks - nothing to stop you drinking water while he drinks something sugary. I'm one of those who uses sugary fizzy drinks as an occasional treat, since the amount of calories they use up annoys me too much to drink them on a daily basis.
With portion control, reducing the carbs, increasing the veg, reducing the fixings, and drinking water, you can fairly easily eat half the calories he does while still enjoying sharing the same meal.1 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.14 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
I agree with the short term approach. Every time I've quit smoking I never asked my husband to quit with me (we tried that once - his idea- and it nearly led to either murder/suicide or divorce, needless to say we both started smoking again within a couple days; won't even bother trying that again). But I did ask him to keep his cigarettes out of sight and not smoke in front of me for a while. After a few weeks when I felt I could deal with it, I let him know it was okay.
With food, yes initially I stopped buying the treats that I knew I would struggle with (I didn't stop buying ALL treats because there are some things my husband and kids like that I don't particularly care for, so I stuck with getting those 'meh' things for a while. Once I felt confident I started buying treats that I too loved, and found it much easier to say no to them. Abstaining for a while actually made many of those foods lose their appeal, which means now I can have them from time to time, in true moderation, and end it, and not feel like I'm struggling with temptation all the time. My advantage is that I'm the primary grocery getter and cook, so I have nearly total control over what gets purchased and what meals are served (my husband isn't picky, he's happy to be fed, lol) and so I don't think he even noticed. I don't believe the OP said she lives with her boyfriend, or if they do live together, who the primary shopper and/or meal planner is. If they don't live together it's very simple, as she just needs to exercise restraint when they are together and doesn't have to keep tempting items in her home at all, so she won't struggle with constant temptation. If they do live together, a conversation may be in order. It might be easier for her to get started by not being surrounded by constant temptation. But, yes, eventually she will need to learn how to be around tempting foods and either turn them down or work them into her goals.
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.12 -
tlflag1620 wrote: »OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
I agree with the short term approach. Every time I've quit smoking I never asked my husband to quit with me (we tried that once - his idea- and it nearly led to either murder/suicide or divorce, needless to say we both started smoking again within a couple days; won't even bother trying that again). But I did ask him to keep his cigarettes out of sight and not smoke in front of me for a while. After a few weeks when I felt I could deal with it, I let him know it was okay.
With food, yes initially I stopped buying the treats that I knew I would struggle with (I didn't stop buying ALL treats because there are some things my husband and kids like that I don't particularly care for, so I stuck with getting those 'meh' things for a while. Once I felt confident I started buying treats that I too loved, and found it much easier to say no to them. Abstaining for a while actually made many of those foods lose their appeal, which means now I can have them from time to time, in true moderation, and end it, and not feel like I'm struggling with temptation all the time. My advantage is that I'm the primary grocery getter and cook, so I have nearly total control over what gets purchased and what meals are served (my husband isn't picky, he's happy to be fed, lol) and so I don't think he even noticed. I don't believe the OP said she lives with her boyfriend, or if they do live together, who the primary shopper and/or meal planner is. If they don't live together it's very simple, as she just needs to exercise restraint when they are together and doesn't have to keep tempting items in her home at all, so she won't struggle with constant temptation. If they do live together, a conversation may be in order. It might be easier for her to get started by not being surrounded by constant temptation. But, yes, eventually she will need to learn how to be around tempting foods and either turn them down or work them into her goals.
Actually, I agree in removing trigger foods from your home on a temporary basis. It sounds like you took responsibility for your own weight loss journey.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.
Yeah, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I don't think that any weight loss journey should necessitate going it alone without support from your social structure; I think that that's what they're there for, to support you and for you to support. One day you're (general you) asking your friends to make a 'healthy table' at a party so you can eat something while avoiding the things you struggle around, the next day your friend is asking you to drive half an hour out of your way for a few days to drive her places because her car's in the shop, next week your husband asks you to take a bigger share of home duties for a bit because he has a big project at work, a month from now you ask your husband to go to a play he doesn't care about because you're in it. We all rely on each other in various ways, and weight loss shouldn't be an exception just because you 'should' be strong enough in the ways you need help.
I am responsible for helping my family and friends and they are responsible for helping me. If I had a friend who I asked for a favor and they told me "I'm not responsible for you, you should be strong enough to figure it out yourself" they wouldn't be my friend very long. I don't see much point in building a social network of friends and family if the second things get tough you're supposed to take responsibility by never leaning on them.12 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on...
You appear to be projecting whatever your personal views are over to me. Based on experience, I should not eat potato chips unless they are in a single serving bag. I love them! But I hate the feeling afterward so I stay away from them. I can stay away from most things, but if he brings home Ritz crackers, Cheetos, or potato chips I will want to have them. So I just keep them out of immediate view.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on...
You appear to be projecting whatever your personal views are over to me. That's all fine and dandy except that when hubby brought in 2 bags of my favorite potato chips and left them on the counter I left them alone for a while. But then I opened one and ate 1/2 bag and felt sick and bloated afterward.
Based on experience, I should not eat potato chips unless they are in a single serving bag. I love them! But I hate the feeling afterward so I stay away from them. I can stay away from most things, but if he brings home Ritz crackers, Cheetos, or potato chips I will want to have them. So I just keep them out of immediate view.
Deb, I am not projecting anything onto you or anyone at all, I am simply sharing my own experience in an effort to address a core issue. Thank you for explaining to me where you are coming from.
However, what would be wrong with just taking the chips and putting them away in a cabinet and telling hubby that's where they go? Or, asking him to put them away in the cabinet because you don't want things lying around on the counter? That's taking them out of immediate view.
However, if you want some of those chips, crackers or cheetos, think about what it would be like to just open the bag, weigh a serving, put the bag away and enjoy, then make yourself busy doing something else when you're done eating?2 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on...
You appear to be projecting whatever your personal views are over to me. That's all fine and dandy except that when hubby brought in 2 bags of my favorite potato chips and left them on the counter I left them alone for a while. But then I opened one and ate 1/2 bag and felt sick and bloated afterward.
Based on experience, I should not eat potato chips unless they are in a single serving bag. I love them! But I hate the feeling afterward so I stay away from them. I can stay away from most things, but if he brings home Ritz crackers, Cheetos, or potato chips I will want to have them. So I just keep them out of immediate view.
Deb, I am not projecting anything onto you or anyone at all, I am simply sharing my own experience in an effort to address a core issue. Thank you for explaining to me where you are coming from.
However, what would be wrong with just taking the chips and putting them away in a cabinet and telling hubby that's where they go? Or, asking him to put them away in the cabinet because you don't want things lying around on the counter? That's taking them out of immediate view.
However, if you want some of those chips, crackers or cheetos, think about what it would be like to just open the bag, weigh a serving, put the bag away and enjoy, then make yourself busy doing something else when you're done eating?
Absolutely. I don't want any if it is put elsewhere. Which is what I have already discussed. This post isn't even about me. I just suggested that OP talk to boyfriend. I don't want to eat ANY of the chips.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.
Yeah, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I don't think that any weight loss journey should necessitate going it alone without support from your social structure; I think that that's what they're there for, to support you and for you to support. One day you're (general you) asking your friends to make a 'healthy table' at a party so you can eat something while avoiding the things you struggle around, the next day your friend is asking you to drive half an hour out of your way for a few days to drive her places because her car's in the shop, next week your husband asks you to take a bigger share of home duties for a bit because he has a big project at work, a month from now you ask your husband to go to a play he doesn't care about because you're in it. We all rely on each other in various ways, and weight loss shouldn't be an exception just because you 'should' be strong enough in the ways you need help.
I am responsible for helping my family and friends and they are responsible for helping me. If I had a friend who I asked for a favor and they told me "I'm not responsible for you, you should be strong enough to figure it out yourself" they wouldn't be my friend very long. I don't see much point in building a social network of friends and family if the second things get tough you're supposed to take responsibility by never leaning on them.
The conversation is about asking others to take care of us around trigger foods, not the exchange of favors with family and friends in times of need. Besides this, I addressed moral support in my previous reply
If I ask someone to not bring home my trigger foods, then I am asking them to take responsibility for my inability to control myself around those foods. It seems to me the better solution would be to ignore those certain foods or learn how to eat the foods in moderation.
Helping does not mean that someone else does for me what I can do for myself. In other words, if I don't want something in plain view, I have can either not buy them myself or put them away. It's not fair to my beau to ask him not to buy his favorite food, or to hide it from me, because of my own issues.
I believe you are right, though, we will have to agree to disagree on this one. 3 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.
Yeah, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I don't think that any weight loss journey should necessitate going it alone without support from your social structure; I think that that's what they're there for, to support you and for you to support. One day you're (general you) asking your friends to make a 'healthy table' at a party so you can eat something while avoiding the things you struggle around, the next day your friend is asking you to drive half an hour out of your way for a few days to drive her places because her car's in the shop, next week your husband asks you to take a bigger share of home duties for a bit because he has a big project at work, a month from now you ask your husband to go to a play he doesn't care about because you're in it. We all rely on each other in various ways, and weight loss shouldn't be an exception just because you 'should' be strong enough in the ways you need help.
I am responsible for helping my family and friends and they are responsible for helping me. If I had a friend who I asked for a favor and they told me "I'm not responsible for you, you should be strong enough to figure it out yourself" they wouldn't be my friend very long. I don't see much point in building a social network of friends and family if the second things get tough you're supposed to take responsibility by never leaning on them.
The conversation is about asking others to take care of us around trigger foods, not the exchange of favors with family and friends in times of need. Besides this, I addressed moral support in my previous reply
If I ask someone to not bring home my trigger foods, then I am asking them to take responsibility for my inability to control myself around those foods. It seems to me the better solution would be to ignore those certain foods or learn how to eat the foods in moderation.
Helping does not mean that someone else does for me what I can do for myself. In other words, if I don't want something in plain view, I have can either not buy them myself or put them away. It's not fair to my beau to ask him not to buy his favorite food, or to hide it from me, because of my own issues.
I believe you are right, though, we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
So this comes down to your inability to understand the struggle others are going through then, if you can agree asking for help is unrelated to this because you can do it for yourself.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.
Yeah, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I don't think that any weight loss journey should necessitate going it alone without support from your social structure; I think that that's what they're there for, to support you and for you to support. One day you're (general you) asking your friends to make a 'healthy table' at a party so you can eat something while avoiding the things you struggle around, the next day your friend is asking you to drive half an hour out of your way for a few days to drive her places because her car's in the shop, next week your husband asks you to take a bigger share of home duties for a bit because he has a big project at work, a month from now you ask your husband to go to a play he doesn't care about because you're in it. We all rely on each other in various ways, and weight loss shouldn't be an exception just because you 'should' be strong enough in the ways you need help.
I am responsible for helping my family and friends and they are responsible for helping me. If I had a friend who I asked for a favor and they told me "I'm not responsible for you, you should be strong enough to figure it out yourself" they wouldn't be my friend very long. I don't see much point in building a social network of friends and family if the second things get tough you're supposed to take responsibility by never leaning on them.
The conversation is about asking others to take care of us around trigger foods, not the exchange of favors with family and friends in times of need. Besides this, I addressed moral support in my previous reply
If I ask someone to not bring home my trigger foods, then I am asking them to take responsibility for my inability to control myself around those foods. It seems to me the better solution would be to ignore those certain foods or learn how to eat the foods in moderation.
Helping does not mean that someone else does for me what I can do for myself. In other words, if I don't want something in plain view, I have can either not buy them myself or put them away. It's not fair to my beau to ask him not to buy his favorite food, or to hide it from me, because of my own issues.
I believe you are right, though, we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
So this comes down to your inability to understand the struggle others are going through then, if you can agree asking for help is unrelated to this because you can do it for yourself.
Wow....interesting perception.
Bottom line: it is my responsibility to take care of myself around food, just as it is others responsibility to take care of themselves around food. Moral support is about sharing the struggle, not expecting others to make it easier for me and, possibly, harder for them. 9 -
If people struggle with "trigger foods", I think it's reinforcing your struggle if you make it someone else's responsibility to control it.
You're not only giving the food power over you by seeing it as a trigger, you're giving up trying to gain power over it by making others responsible for your access to it.
As in all things, I kindly suggest you challenge your thoughts. Don't believe everything you think. Don't wait around for motivation. Just do it.5 -
Get a different boyfriend?
Just kidding. Don't everyone freak out1
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