Ug. How do I avoid/lose "boyfriend weight"?
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.
Yeah, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I don't think that any weight loss journey should necessitate going it alone without support from your social structure; I think that that's what they're there for, to support you and for you to support. One day you're (general you) asking your friends to make a 'healthy table' at a party so you can eat something while avoiding the things you struggle around, the next day your friend is asking you to drive half an hour out of your way for a few days to drive her places because her car's in the shop, next week your husband asks you to take a bigger share of home duties for a bit because he has a big project at work, a month from now you ask your husband to go to a play he doesn't care about because you're in it. We all rely on each other in various ways, and weight loss shouldn't be an exception just because you 'should' be strong enough in the ways you need help.
I am responsible for helping my family and friends and they are responsible for helping me. If I had a friend who I asked for a favor and they told me "I'm not responsible for you, you should be strong enough to figure it out yourself" they wouldn't be my friend very long. I don't see much point in building a social network of friends and family if the second things get tough you're supposed to take responsibility by never leaning on them.
The conversation is about asking others to take care of us around trigger foods, not the exchange of favors with family and friends in times of need. Besides this, I addressed moral support in my previous reply
If I ask someone to not bring home my trigger foods, then I am asking them to take responsibility for my inability to control myself around those foods. It seems to me the better solution would be to ignore those certain foods or learn how to eat the foods in moderation.
Helping does not mean that someone else does for me what I can do for myself. In other words, if I don't want something in plain view, I have can either not buy them myself or put them away. It's not fair to my beau to ask him not to buy his favorite food, or to hide it from me, because of my own issues.
I believe you are right, though, we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
So this comes down to your inability to understand the struggle others are going through then, if you can agree asking for help is unrelated to this because you can do it for yourself.
Wow....interesting perception.
Bottom line: it is my responsibility to take care of myself around food, just as it is others responsibility to take care of themselves around food. Moral support is about sharing the struggle, not expecting others to make it easier for me and, possibly, harder for them.
I've been married a long time, and we have worked things out over the years. Love and acceptance is good. Sometimes I do like a little help, cooperation and understanding. We both have our weaknesses and strengths to compliment and help one another.
I don't have a big deficit. A large snack can throw my deficit down the drain. I do have more leeway in maintenance but not during active weight loss.
I'm very good about self control and management except for some of my favorite foods. I don't even want or miss and don't go out to buy them. They don't tempt me in stores. BUT if hubby opens up a bag of Cheetos or a bag of chips I start remembering as he crunches them and eats them in front of me.
If there is an open bag of potato chips I will graze on them off and on. I "can" do portion control and eat things in moderation in general, just not in certain specifics. A large open bag isn't good for me. I always regret eating them afterward.
This is just my exprience, YMMV. I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do.
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allenpriest wrote: »Get a different boyfriend?
Just kidding. Don't everyone freak out
How to "Lose Boyfriend Weight". That certainly is a "lose weight quickly" plan. JK
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The way you handle your new found relationship will be a work in progress. The more days you spend in this relationship the more the relationship evolves, and thus the both of you will start taking the "I" or "me" and start making it a "we". And this means that for now you must take of the "I" or rather the "me" or go with the flow sort of speaking.
But for now since you are dieting? You have to take care of your own eating habits, what you consume, how you consume food and your own relationship with food. I understand that you see someone that can eat anything they like and it is NOT bother to them food/healthy wise or that they do not gain weight eating this way etc..
Decide on your priorities, and learn how to prioritize them, perhaps the foods you eat when way from him will allow you diet enough to loose some weight/maintain your weight and when you two are together it will also allow you to be flexible to be able to enjoy foods when you are with him.
When the relationship matures, the more opportunities you have to work through all of this. So for now you may have to make some uncomfortable choices or you can stand your ground and stay true to your choices or goals.
Not everyone around us is going to need to be dieting and most likely never at the same time. Keep that in mind. So work with life and not against it, and work with the environment set before you, not against it.
Give it time! Each day this will get easier.
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allenpriest wrote: »Get a different boyfriend?
Just kidding. Don't everyone freak out
How to "Lose Boyfriend Weight". That certainly is a "lose weight quickly" plan. JK
I had to add this is funny.
I have lost weight like this in my lifetime when I first started dating.
I had NO clue what even a calorie was back then. Think about all the boyfriends that do not either! 0 -
The way you handle your new found relationship will be a work in progress. The more days you spend in this relationship the more the relationship evolves, and thus the both of you will start taking the "I" or "me" and start making it a "we". And this means that for now you must take of the "I" or rather the "me" or go with the flow sort of speaking.
But for now since you are dieting? You have to take care of your own eating habits, what you consume, how you consume food and your own relationship with food. I understand that you see someone that can eat anything they like and it is NOT bother to them food/healthy wise or that they do not gain weight eating this way etc..
Decide on your priorities, and learn how to prioritize them, perhaps the foods you eat when way from him will allow you diet enough to loose some weight/maintain your weight and when you two are together it will also allow you to be flexible to be able to enjoy foods when you are with him.
When the relationship matures, the more opportunities you have to work through all of this. So for now you may have to make some uncomfortable choices or you can stand your ground and stay true to your choices or goals.
Not everyone around us is going to need to be dieting and most likely never at the same time. Keep that in mind. So work with life and not against it, and work with the environment set before you, not against it.
Give it time! Each day this will get easier.
I agree that the BF probably isn't aware of her struggles. My husband had no clue until I sat down with him and explained how stressful it is for me.0 -
@debsozo, no he is not aware, but when you get right down to it, he really does not have to either. I think that is where we try to project to others (unconsciously) that perhaps the world should conform to us (the dieter). I get how OP feels. Its rough, but even if the boyfriend or new relationship was not formed, people still have family and friends in this respect that are the same way.
I think time and patience and working through each day one day at time will prevail for OP!
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I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
Really? You think this is all in jest?
I'm afraid not.
I in no way advocated disregarding anyone else's struggles, and I even talked about moral support. I can't believe after all this time that my main point is disregarded that we need to take responsibility for our own weight loss journey instead of asking others to do it for us.
If our expectation is for our partner not to buy certain foods, or not bring them in the house, or hide them from us, because we can't practice portion control, that is not taking responsibility for ourselves. That is us asking them to take responsibility for us.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do. [/quote]
Yes, there are a lot of threads out there regarding moderation v. abstaining, but this thread is about how to make the boyfriend (or husband or partner) responsible for our behavior
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allenpriest wrote: »Get a different boyfriend?
Just kidding. Don't everyone freak out
How to "Lose Boyfriend Weight". That certainly is a "lose weight quickly" plan. JK
Yeah....love it. 0 -
@debsozo, no he is not aware, but when you get right down to it, he really does not have to either. I think that is where we try to project to others (unconsciously) that perhaps the world should conform to us (the dieter). I get how OP feels. Its rough, but even if the boyfriend or new relationship was not formed, people still have family and friends in this respect that are the same way.
I think time and patience and working through each day one day at time will prevail for OP!
This is so well said.1 -
My honey doesn't "do" fitness or worry about weight or calories, whereas it's part of my whole day. To lose the 80 lbs, I continued to eat with him, but because I'm the one cooking, I changed up the more calorie dense products, and ditched some of the less than healthy ones. He LOVES the way we eat more now than he did when we were pigging out four times a day. We still drink on weekends, but I make the calories fit my goals. Usually I try to throw in extra cardio sessions the day or two before the weekend, and a good walk both days. Almost always under my calorie goal (I think I've gone over 6 times in the last year!).
It is doable....it just takes time, work and patience.
Good luck!1 -
In a thread in the Debate section which I can no longer find, someone posted a link to Are you an abstainer or a moderator? which lead to an interesting discussion.
I moderate some foods and abstain from others. Foods my OH likes that I have difficulty moderating are placed out of sight. Studies show this helps us moderate as we don't have to make a decision about it every time it comes into sight.
Foods that call to me whether or not they are in sight I don't have in the house. Some people make them more difficult to access - I think @earlnabby keeps peanut butter in the garage.Once my ex and I broke up, I lost 15 pounds. Now that I'm in a relationship again, I've pretty much gained it all back within a year. SO FRUSTRATING!
My boyfriend is naturally thin so eating healthy and working out isn't as important to him as it is for me, a very curvy, short, endomorph.
15 pounds lighter was the perfect, healthy, weight for me and I want to get back down to it in a way that's healthy and more importantly, sustainable (which my last method wasn't). I think a large culprit is being around him and his unhealthy eating and drinking habits.
Any tips for not letting myself be affected by his choices? While I'd love for us to be healthy together, I can't blame the guy for eating potato chips and a beer. If I could get away with it (all the time) and be thin....I would too!
Sure, I've gained weight many times after getting into a new relationship, which for me involves less time at the gym and more time eating high calorie foods.- April 2012. Break up. Lose 30 pounds.
- January 2013. Meet my OH.
- April 2015 realize I've gained 20 pounds
- Let OH know about MFP and my calorie budget. He understands "I need to log my food." "I'm out of calories." "Let's have pizza tomorrow instead of today so I can plan for it." "Let's get the mini cups of ice cream rather than going to the ice cream stand."
- Today. Have lost 35 pounds
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I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
Really? You think this is all in jest?
I'm afraid not.
I in no way advocated disregarding anyone else's struggles, and I even talked about moral support. I can't believe after all this time that my main point is disregarded that we need to take responsibility for our own weight loss journey instead of asking others to do it for us.
If our expectation is for our partner not to buy certain foods, or not bring them in the house, or hide them from us, because we can't practice portion control, that is not taking responsibility for ourselves. That is us asking them to take responsibility for us.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do.
Ummm... you put my quote in the body of your new post. I wrote the bolded part above.0 -
"New boyfriend weight" usually comes from eating and drinking too much due to dates centered around food. Find active, non-food date ideas.1
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Keep on a calorie deficit and those 15 lb shouldn't be an issue.0
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I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
Really? You think this is all in jest?
I'm afraid not.
I in no way advocated disregarding anyone else's struggles, and I even talked about moral support. I can't believe after all this time that my main point is disregarded that we need to take responsibility for our own weight loss journey instead of asking others to do it for us.
If our expectation is for our partner not to buy certain foods, or not bring them in the house, or hide them from us, because we can't practice portion control, that is not taking responsibility for ourselves. That is us asking them to take responsibility for us.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do.
Ummm... you put my quote in the body of your new post. I wrote the bolded part above.
Ummmm....your point is? It's called a wacky forum quote mistake.
I addressed the relevant parts of your posting.0 -
I'd say dump him...bam...you've just lost 200 pounds of boyfriend weight.
(Has this joke been used already? I didn't read all the replies...)0 -
I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
Really? You think this is all in jest?
I'm afraid not.
I in no way advocated disregarding anyone else's struggles, and I even talked about moral support. I can't believe after all this time that my main point is disregarded that we need to take responsibility for our own weight loss journey instead of asking others to do it for us.
If our expectation is for our partner not to buy certain foods, or not bring them in the house, or hide them from us, because we can't practice portion control, that is not taking responsibility for ourselves. That is us asking them to take responsibility for us.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do.
Ummm... you put my quote in the body of your new post. I wrote the bolded part above.
Ummmm....your point is? It's called a wacky forum quote mistake.
I addressed the relevant parts of your posting.
You missed my point, but thanks for letting me know how great you do on your own.0 -
I gained 30lb when my boyfriend and I moved in together. He is a chef and likes catering to my food allergies which was hard to resist after years of feeling limited and deprived. I finally had to take responsibility. I love eating with him and his cooking but the portion control and moderation is up to me. He knows I'm losing the weight and has been very supportive so he doesn't take it personally if I don't eat everything he makes.0
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I'm thinking you aren't really serious about what you are saying and wouldn't keep people around who disregard your struggles.
Really? You think this is all in jest?
I'm afraid not.
I in no way advocated disregarding anyone else's struggles, and I even talked about moral support. I can't believe after all this time that my main point is disregarded that we need to take responsibility for our own weight loss journey instead of asking others to do it for us.
If our expectation is for our partner not to buy certain foods, or not bring them in the house, or hide them from us, because we can't practice portion control, that is not taking responsibility for ourselves. That is us asking them to take responsibility for us.
I also think that you know that there are looong threads out there about moderation versus abstaining from certain foods. You do know that some people need to eat all things in moderation and some prefer not to. That is fine. You don't have to do what I do.
Ummm... you put my quote in the body of your new post. I wrote the bolded part above.
Ummmm....your point is? It's called a wacky forum quote mistake.
I addressed the relevant parts of your posting.
You missed my point, but thanks for letting me know how great you do on your own.
I never said I did things on my own, and I never implied that I do anything great on my own either. It seems to me you are throwing out barbs and dancing around the core issue that I and others have addressed. To summarize:
It is not another person's responsibility to do for us what we can do for ourselves. In this context, that means we are 100% responsible for the behaviors we choose around weight management.
In other words, the beau/husband/any other person is never responsible for my choices around food, I am.If people struggle with "trigger foods", I think it's reinforcing your struggle if you make it someone else's responsibility to control it.
You're not only giving the food power over you by seeing it as a trigger, you're giving up trying to gain power over it by making others responsible for your access to it.
As in all things, I kindly suggest you challenge your thoughts. Don't believe everything you think. Don't wait around for motivation. Just do it.
And, this reply says it all.
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im having the same problem. my boyfriend and i currently eat a lot of fast food as its closer then the grocery store. when i make food for my diet he just complains about not wanting fish so i give in get a burger.
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