My heart has shattered

KarlyHK

My heart is shattered and I'm struggling to stay a float.

Here is my last relationship summed up.
11 months together. 2 smal arguments that we always got over. He told me I'm the one girlfriend he has ever had that he didn't want to just say "f it I'm done" whenever there was an issue. We talked about moving in together. And he was set to move in with me in about 6 months which would be 1 year and 3 months together. Not to brag but we were that couple that everyone said was adorable, perfect and amazing. We are both very weird and our relationship seriously was full of laughter, cry laughing, deep talks, and pure love. We never had an issue that a 10 minute conversation couldn't fix. He even asked me my ring size. His whole family loved me and my family loves him.
Well this is where my heart breaks...

My boyfriend, my love, as I said we were just under our one year mark. When he went camping with all his guy friends.
He came back and texted me that he wanted to come see me and the dogs.
I felt right away something was wrong because he always invites me to his place. Not the other way around.

Well he got here. Kissed me, hugged me, and talked to me about my day.

Then he said "I need to say something and I need you to really listen and understand"
He said our relationship is unhealthy because he is holding me back from my potential. (Which he isn't. I'm going to college just as much as I did without him. And hanging out with my friends just as much as I did without him)
Anyway he said he is holding me back. He said he loves me more than anyone he has ever loved. That he doesn't want to leave me. But he has to. For me. For my future. He said that I have to go through the hard times like he did and make mistakes.

But I told him he wasn't holding me back. He is motivating me even more. And I told him its not fair for him to say he is holding me back or to say what I need. I have made mistakes. Not the ones he has. But I've made my own path and I live on the safe side.
He was bawling I was bawling and he just kept hugging me and kissing me. But he said he made up his mind and he had to break up with me. To let me grow.

He said "when you find a flower in a field of weeds, it's beautiful and you want to pick it. But if you do, it's going to die. You have to let the flower grow where it's at"

I'm heartbroken. Completely heartbroken.

He said when I'm ready, I can come get my stuff from his house.

Which I will do, but once I'm not as emotional over this all.
Do you think I should talk to him again and tell him again that he isn't holding me back and I would tell him if he was?
Or should I just let it go?

He said man camp had nothing to do with it. He said he was at the gas station earlier that day and it just hit him. I could tell he had been crying before he came over. Part of my wants to hold on because I think he is just having a breakdown and made an impulse decision. But the other part of me says to just let him go.
I just hope he realizes he is making a mistake.

I dont know what to do or think.
I'm shaking from anxiety and can't calm down. Even his friends are completely surprised. They said he talks about me all the time and how much he loves me and how I'm so different than any other woman he met.

My heart is in shambles.

TestNamePleaseIgnore

His reasoning sounds like a cheap cop out, imo.

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salembambi

i think that he is freaked out by the intensity of the relationship and needed to get out of it

he possibly might realize it was a mistake but whats done is done and you should mourn the relationship as you normally would

just leave it alone and see what happens

salembambi

_MistahJ_ wrote: »

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. But, he's hiding something from you. The "reason" he gave you is a bunch of flowery *kitten*. No pun intended.

yup he is hiding something for sure

ninerbuff

The truth is he doesn't want commitment. Many guys don't want commitment until they know they are going to be settling down for good. And it doesn't sound like that. And he's right, he's holding you down because if his intent was just to string you along without committing, then you miss opportunities available to you.
Love isn't kind sometimes and you have to take what life gives you. Him saying this should be a sign that he's not ready to keep a commitment yet. And say you stayed together................how do you know that he doesn't want out, but can't tell you because you'll beg him to stay again and he can't handle that.
You're young. There are 4 billion people in the world, so there's someone else other there. Personally myself, I went through a couple of hard breakups before I met my wife.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

JustMissTracy

Whether he's right or not about holding you back isn't the issue and shouldn't be the bottom line for you. It should be this. He's done with the relationship, and you need to move on. There will be someone, somewhere, just for you. Give yourself a bit of time to get over this first tho! xo

suvoth

I agree with everyone. He probably had a dude weekend and they told him some stuff about him being in a relationship changing him or someone else was available gawd only know. I'm sorry this happened to you But he is not tell you the truth.

Motorsheen

suvoth wrote: »

I agree with everyone. He probably had a dude weekend and they told him some stuff about him being in a relationship changing him or someone else was available gawd only know. I'm sorry this happened to you But he is not tell you the truth.

This was my first thought too.

To the OP:
Hang in there, kid; this too shall pass.

Sarc_Warrior

Another chick for sure.......Hang in there

Timshel_

You can't change him, and you should never change. Sucks, but take the time to really keep building on yourself. You are doing wonderful and whatever comes from this point will be that much better.

All the best.

MicahPsencik

KarlyHK wrote: »

My heart is shattered..."

Sent you a private message.

Oishii

One of my friends broke up with a girl because he felt he wasn't good enough for her, so it really does happen. However, I would find that horribly patronising and it might be a sign that it wouldn't work out anyway.

KarlyHK

Hey! I'm the OP and I assure you it's not another girl. My guy was single for 7 years before being with me. And his last relationship crushed him.

He actually jjust called me crying again and told me what he didn't want to tell me yesterday. The real reason he is pushing me away. He said his alcohol addiction is getting bad and he wants to go to rehab. But he doesn't want to bring me down with him.
But I told him if I let him bring me down then I am a weak person. Which I'm not, and when you love someone you are all in or your out. And I'm all in. I told him I won't give up on him and he doesn't need to push me away. My love for him so strong and I want to help him.

I wasn't doing it in a begging manner either. I was just reassuring him that love isn't only when time is easy. It's the hard times that prove the extent of love.

Thanks everyone for your comments and messages!
I'm still hurting but feel more at ease now that he told me the real reason.

kevinf2380

Has he shown issues with alcohol during the year you dated him?

km8907

Honestly, as I was reading this it felt like it was going to end with him killing himself. I just lost a client to suicide and she was an alcoholic that pushed everyone out of her life near the end. That being said, don't let him push you away so easily. Help him get help and let him know you're there for him no matter what. If it was just a break up, you'll feel an attitude change soon, but if he's really in a bad place though, you did everything you could.

salembambi

km8907 wrote: »

Honestly, as I was reading this it felt like it was going to end with him killing himself. I just lost a client to suicide and she was an alcoholic that pushed everyone out of her life near the end. That being said, don't let him push you away so easily. Help him get help and let him know you're there for him no matter what. If it was just a break up, you'll feel an attitude change soon, but if he's really in a bad place though, you did everything you could.

listen to her

KarlyHK

He drank a lot yes. With me not as much cause I'm not a big drinker. Glass of wine every other night or so.
However he works at a bar. And even when he is done closing the kitchen he stays at the Bar till the bartenders are done cleaning, and they will give him a ride home. Or if he walked he will still stay after if the female bartender is there. There has been tons of break ins in the neighborhood and the female bartenders are like his sisters and he stays just in case something bad happened.

However because he stays after for a few hours. He will drink. And then he will continue that when he is home.
He knows his job is toxic for him but he makes such good money there. Money he couldn't make at a different location. He has been there 6 years and makes double the amount as me and I work in a hospital. So he wants to leave but he needs to make ends meet financially.

He said he wants to go into rehab.
And I'll support him and still be here for him whether we are together or not.

For a few months in our relationship he stopped drinking as much and he was feeling awesome about it. But all his friends and band mates are heavy drinkers so he got caught up in it again.

Muppyooh

Ugh. Bad spot to be in. At least he wants help and recognizes he has a prob. My BF drinks too much and doesn't think he has a problem. Good luck!!

Muppyooh

And.... Now you can add my heart also.

KarlyHK

denise123177 wrote: »

And.... Now you can add my heart also.

Oh no. Message me if you need to. You were there for me. I'll be there for you.

ninerbuff

KarlyHK wrote: »

Hey! I'm the OP and I assure you it's not another girl. My guy was single for 7 years before being with me. And his last relationship crushed him.

He actually jjust called me crying again and told me what he didn't want to tell me yesterday. The real reason he is pushing me away. He said his alcohol addiction is getting bad and he wants to go to rehab. But he doesn't want to bring me down with him.
But I told him if I let him bring me down then I am a weak person. Which I'm not, and when you love someone you are all in or your out. And I'm all in. I told him I won't give up on him and he doesn't need to push me away. My love for him so strong and I want to help him.

I wasn't doing it in a begging manner either. I was just reassuring him that love isn't only when time is easy. It's the hard times that prove the extent of love.

Thanks everyone for your comments and messages!
I'm still hurting but feel more at ease now that he told me the real reason.

I quit drinking alcohol at 28 because I found myself always drinking hard after work and getting real drunk that the next morning for work was tough. Had I not stopped, I may have become an alcoholic.
So could he be legitimately concerned about dragging you along with this? Sure. People who have illnesses feel guilty about having to have family or friends cater to them, so they try to push them away or disallow any help.
Hopefully that's what it is. Whatever you do, don't force the issue.
If for some reason you help him get through it, and he again feels he needs to be on his own, the feeling of "but I did this for you" can really bring you down.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

anjulajj

Definitely sounds like there is something he left out. There is another reason other then what he has said to you and possibly to spare your feelings he made up something that would sound like he had good intentions but really he felt guilty for something he had done.

_birdie__

he's a musician and a broken bird i swear to god i'm having flashbacks of my twenties

like i can see myself only youre me and i'm yelling '*kitten* run! just run away! as fast as you can!'

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DetroitDarin

jeezus. Honey. Ugh. Talk about a horse-kick in the gut. Heal however you can- take as long as you need and never apologize for whatever your current state of 'getting use to your new normal'.

Heartisalonelyhunter

That's an old classic get-out "It's not you, it's me". "if you love someone, let them go" etc etc. Basically he wants to break up with you but doesn't want to tell you the real reasons so makes it all about you and how he is a great guy for setting you free etc etc. Its totally douchey behavior. On the plus side you dodged a bullet because he clearly isn't a good guy. You will be ok, I promise.

Hornsby

Let him go unless you are willing to commit to that life. And before you say you are willing to commit to an alcoholic for life, you better know what that entails.

In my opinion, your too young to get caught up in that.

AskTracyAnnK28

I agree with all the other posters.

I know it feels like your world is crumbling - I've been there. But let this guy go. I think he's selling you a line of bull*kitten* by making you think he's this great guy for setting you free blah blah.

You're young, your pretty and you'll meet someone else when the time is right.

fanceegirl75

My girlfriend is clean & sober 16 years. Alcoholism is real. I would let him go but support him as a friend through this. If he is being genuine and really is ready to get help be there for him. He can't focus on a relationship and getting sober. Good luck!