Support from significant other...
Replies
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It's great to see a majority of users having support from their SO's!!
My bf isn't supportive. He doesn't encourage me, doesn't compliment me, nothing. He used to bring me candy bars and I would yell at him for it and he would get mad that I didn't want it.
Now if we are grocery shopping and I want something sweet, he yells at me. Legit yells and tells me I don't need it (which makes me feel even more fat!)
So I just have myself and my hopes of getting back into my old clothes lol!2 -
My husband met me when I was relatively thin. He's seen me gain 100lbs, seen me loose 80, gain 60... You get the idea. Throughout he has never once commented! Has never said anything other than that I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, and that he's proud of me. He cares not one tiny whit about food - But prefers it to be relatively healthy. He can't cook, so I do all the cooking and planning our meals. He does not care what I put I front of him as long as it's lite in sodium and not fried. So, yes - he's very supportive in that he never criticizes. But I sure would love for him to take over the whole food thing once in a while ;-)4
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Glad I'm not married.1
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Mine is 6'3" with a slim athletic build. He is a carpenter so he gets lots of extra calories, double or more some days.
He prefers a woman with some "shape" to a slim woman with no rear end. But he wants me to be happy, healthy, active and mobile. He used to do MMA fighting so he knows the struggle to manage calories and build muscle. He encourages me to build core strength and climb a wall and shoot a bow and arrow. He's genuinely happy when I announce I've lost inches. He's jealous if his guy friends notice I've lost weight.
But his relationship to food is not like mine. He brings home doughnuts and pizza and ice cream. He can afford the calories, but he understands when I force myself to sadly say no. I won't ask him to deprive himself of the stuff he loves. I will learn to be better at saying no.
We have kids for whom I endure there are fruits, veggies, and whole foods. Some days are great, some are less so. I'm just happy my back already hurts less. He is too.1 -
My husband is supportive of my efforts at healthiet living (as I am now maintaining) and endures low carb fare for dinner every evening with varying degrees of criticism
. He has also always been good about watching the kids when I go run trail.
In turn every time he asks me to help him get back to keto I do everything I can. He still goes back to a family sized bag of Doritos by the end of every day 1, but I will unendingly back his attempts2 -
Would love to hear from the men
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It's great to see a majority of users having support from their SO's!!
My bf isn't supportive. He doesn't encourage me, doesn't compliment me, nothing. He used to bring me candy bars and I would yell at him for it and he would get mad that I didn't want it.
Now if we are grocery shopping and I want something sweet, he yells at me. Legit yells and tells me I don't need it (which makes me feel even more fat!)
So I just have myself and my hopes of getting back into my old clothes lol!
You yell at him for bringing you treats, and then you go and buy them yourself? Poor guy, no wonder he is confused.6 -
My wife isn't very supportive, at lease in the ways I need her to be. To her being supportive is nagging me when I eat too much, or making comments about my eating habits or not exercising, but never in a positive way. It's all negative, with no positive encouragement. When she nags about my eating, it just makes we want to rebel and eat more. I always say that I understand what she's trying to do, but to try to be nice about it. She'll also try to "bribe" me, saying things like, if you lose some weight, maybe I'll want to "be intimate" with you more often. A few years back I dropped 60lbs with offers like that, but when nothing changed in our love life, I kinda said "F-this, I don't care" and gained most of the weight back while emotionally eating. She has no faith in me, whenever I'm eating good and exercising and make claims of not wanting to go back to my old ways, she'll say things like "I've heard that before". I've also asked for her help in planning and preparing meals since I'm the cook in the house, but that doesn't happen either. I'm pretty much on my own when it comes to diet and exercise. It'd be really nice to have motivation in the house.
Sorry to vent, this topic just hit a sore spot and I guess I needed to *kitten*.
On a positive side note, I just joined a gym and am working out daily and started eating clean again.
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I feel fortunate that my long-term-boyfriend is joining me on the journey to be healthier and more fit. We go to the gym together about half the time (if I'm not hitting up the one right across the street for my work.) We are still working through the diet differences, though. He is 6'3" ~160lbs, so his goal is to gain weight, and my goal is to lose it. His caloric goals are about twice what mine are. We can't eat dinner together anymore, which has been the hardest part.
When we started, I asked him to be 100% completely honest with me and tell me where I've gained weight in the 4 years since we've been together. I know this sounds like a trap for most men, but I really wanted to know what he saw. He told me I'm just "a little squishier everywhere, but I don't mind." That was motivation enough, haha. And his motivation came when I bought a bathroom scale and he realized that he has lost ~20lbs since we met. Part of that was that he stopped drinking a little over 2 years ago. I knew he had some self-esteem issues his whole life surrounding being "skinny" so I decided to help him out. (For the record, I happen to like his slender frame, but want him to feel good about himself. He is a home remodeling contractor by trade, so he's not weak and sickly looking.) I found an diet/exercise program online called "Bony to Beastly" and sent it to him to check out. He signed up that night.
I honestly don't know if I'd be able to do it without my partner doing it with me.0 -
My wife isn't very supportive, at lease in the ways I need her to be....
Reading your post made my heart hurt a bit. It sounds like your diet isn't the only area of your life where your marriage is struggling. It seems like there has been a real break down in communication between you two. I'm no therapist, but I have attended couples therapy with my SO and it changed both of us immensely. It might be a good idea for you, too. I hope you can get back on the right track and improve communication skills with your wife... the way it's going now is not sustainable. ::hugs::3 -
Was curious to know how your significant other is supporting or not supporting you. I am so incredibly lucky and I know it. My husband has never had to worry about his weight. Lucky him. Anyway, every time I go on my weight loss journey he always has my back and is very encouraging. Would love to here your thoughts.
My S.O. is supportive! He loves to brag about my new PR's at the gym to all his clients and co-workers, I find it hilarious! He enjoys that I'm constantly cooking and making healthy food for him and his brother (who lives with us), and that I live an active lifestyle. His one complaint (that I know I'm guilty of) is that I always make the gym top priority. I will literally events, dates, dinners, just so that I can get a gym session in and make sure I don't go over my macros. I'm slowly improving though. Fitness and nutrition is important and all, but family and friends have to come first still.1 -
adriennevy wrote: »Reading your post made my heart hurt a bit. It sounds like your diet isn't the only area of your life where your marriage is struggling. It seems like there has been a real break down in communication between you two. I'm no therapist, but I have attended couples therapy with my SO and it changed both of us immensely. It might be a good idea for you, too. I hope you can get back on the right track and improve communication skills with your wife... the way it's going now is not sustainable. ::hugs::
I've thought about it and I think it would be good for us, but right now she's finishing up grad school and doesn't have time for much else besides that. She'll be done in a few months and then I think I'm really going to pursue that with her. Her communication skills have never been the best. We've been together for 15 yrs and married for 11 and not until last summer did she tell me about a traumatic experience(s) she had growing up that has resulted in her having a horrible body image and self confidence even though she tall, thin and quite attractive. So I definitely feel it would be beneficial to start couples therapy. Thanks for your response.1 -
I've thought about it and I think it would be good for us, but right now she's finishing up grad school and doesn't have time for much else besides that. She'll be done in a few months and then I think I'm really going to pursue that with her. Her communication skills have never been the best. We've been together for 15 yrs and married for 11 and not until last summer did she tell me about a traumatic experience(s) she had growing up that has resulted in her having a horrible body image and self confidence even though she tall, thin and quite attractive. So I definitely feel it would be beneficial to start couples therapy. Thanks for your response.
It's good to hear that you're already thinking about it. Therapy is extremely taboo to many people. I know it took my SO a few years to tell me about a childhood trauma of his, too, and about his own self-esteem issues, and it only started to come out because of therapy. He started going to therapy first, then I joined him for about 4 months, and he continues to go on his own every week. I truly think we would not be together if it weren't for therapy, and if we were, we absolutely wouldn't be doing as good as we are now! Best of luck to you and your wife.
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adriennevy wrote: »I've thought about it and I think it would be good for us, but right now she's finishing up grad school and doesn't have time for much else besides that. She'll be done in a few months and then I think I'm really going to pursue that with her. Her communication skills have never been the best. We've been together for 15 yrs and married for 11 and not until last summer did she tell me about a traumatic experience(s) she had growing up that has resulted in her having a horrible body image and self confidence even though she tall, thin and quite attractive. So I definitely feel it would be beneficial to start couples therapy. Thanks for your response.
It's good to hear that you're already thinking about it. Therapy is extremely taboo to many people. I know it took my SO a few years to tell me about a childhood trauma of his, too, and about his own self-esteem issues, and it only started to come out because of therapy. He started going to therapy first, then I joined him for about 4 months, and he continues to go on his own every week. I truly think we would not be together if it weren't for therapy, and if we were, we absolutely wouldn't be doing as good as we are now! Best of luck to you and your wife.
Thanks! My wife also told me after she started seeing a therapist for stress in grad school. I just hope she can share her feelings when we're together. She doesn't like to discuss things like that unfortunately.0 -
adriennevy wrote: »I've thought about it and I think it would be good for us, but right now she's finishing up grad school and doesn't have time for much else besides that. She'll be done in a few months and then I think I'm really going to pursue that with her. Her communication skills have never been the best. We've been together for 15 yrs and married for 11 and not until last summer did she tell me about a traumatic experience(s) she had growing up that has resulted in her having a horrible body image and self confidence even though she tall, thin and quite attractive. So I definitely feel it would be beneficial to start couples therapy. Thanks for your response.
It's good to hear that you're already thinking about it. Therapy is extremely taboo to many people. I know it took my SO a few years to tell me about a childhood trauma of his, too, and about his own self-esteem issues, and it only started to come out because of therapy. He started going to therapy first, then I joined him for about 4 months, and he continues to go on his own every week. I truly think we would not be together if it weren't for therapy, and if we were, we absolutely wouldn't be doing as good as we are now! Best of luck to you and your wife.
Thanks! My wife also told me after she started seeing a therapist for stress in grad school. I just hope she can share her feelings when we're together. She doesn't like to discuss things like that unfortunately.
Therapy will do a ton of good. It will take a while for her to open up about her trauma, so my advice is to continue being patient and supportive with her. I am actually kind of proud that she had the courage to tell you when she did - that's the hardest step. You should be proud of your ongoing success with your health as well. I hope you guys will be able to work things out, good luck with everything.0 -
My wife isn't very supportive, at lease in the ways I need her to be. To her being supportive is nagging me when I eat too much, or making comments about my eating habits or not exercising, but never in a positive way. It's all negative, with no positive encouragement. When she nags about my eating, it just makes we want to rebel and eat more. I always say that I understand what she's trying to do, but to try to be nice about it. She'll also try to "bribe" me, saying things like, if you lose some weight, maybe I'll want to "be intimate" with you more often. A few years back I dropped 60lbs with offers like that, but when nothing changed in our love life, I kinda said "F-this, I don't care" and gained most of the weight back while emotionally eating. She has no faith in me, whenever I'm eating good and exercising and make claims of not wanting to go back to my old ways, she'll say things like "I've heard that before". I've also asked for her help in planning and preparing meals since I'm the cook in the house, but that doesn't happen either. I'm pretty much on my own when it comes to diet and exercise. It'd be really nice to have motivation in the house.
Sorry to vent, this topic just hit a sore spot and I guess I needed to *kitten*.
On a positive side note, I just joined a gym and am working out daily and started eating clean again.
You know, I'll say exactly the same to you as I would to a fellow woman and that is that you need to make changes for your won health and well being. If your wife can't be there with you, that's her look out. If she's going to find more excuses to be unkind then you need to consider whether this really is your forever relationship. No one deserves to live with someone who deliberately puts them down.
Edit - don't want to dismiss her past experiences, but, if she gets nothing out of the therapy, you cannot permanently be her whipping boy.2 -
Incredibly blessed. My husband has been very encouraging! He has supported every single part of my new journey and I'm down 41lbs. He's a cook so when he's at work he looks at the calories on everything and will bring me healthy snacks! My 7 year old has lost 14lbs and IT'S NOT THAT WE PUT HIM ON A DIET but our snacking habits have changed in our household. . . . . Love MFP
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Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.1
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khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.
Offering food is not sabotage.2 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.
Offering food is not sabotage.
I see this a lot on here and think maybe it would be helpful to clarify what sabotage is... If someone wants to "sabotage" your weight loss or health efforts, they would do things "stealthily" - i.e. like telling you something is sugar free when it is not, telling you something has less calories than it really does, changing your scale to make it look like you lost more than you did, etc. It would not be obvious.
Offering someone food they do not want is never sabotage because you are aware of it and have the choice to decline it. If they are doing it to purposely derail you because they dont want you to succeed it is not sabotage, it is just being a jerk. Offering someone food because they are eating some and want to be polite, or they show love by feeding people (many people do) is not sabotage, it is just that - politeness/caring. Either way you still have the choice to decline it.
Being unsupportive of someone's goals is very different from actively and purposely derailing someone without their knowledge or allowing them a choice.4 -
My boyfriend is fairly encouraging. We both have different goals, I want to lose and he wants to gain, so I often feel like we but head when it comes to meals when we eat out. It was his birthday the other day, and we went out for food, food that I should not have been eating but was great for him and his gaining mission. I caved and instead of normal portions I ate everything on my plate. It was a real eye opener. We had a talk last night, I didn't mean to put blame on him or make him feel bad because it was my decision to eat all the food. He felt guilty for throwing temptations in my face and yeah. We're working on it, we just need to find a healthy balance for the both of us that works ?
My boyfriend and I have worked this out somewhat. He is trying to lose, not gain, but his calorie goal to do that is still double mine. So when we go out to eat, we share a plate of whatever - I eat 1/4 to 1/3 of it, he eats the rest (saves money too). Most restaurant portions are huge anyway so usually its more than enough for both of us, but if not we just order an appetizer or side dish and do the same with that. Even if we stay home, I will buy a premade big salad, take a small portion for myself and let him eat the rest. Or buy a small frozen pizza and split 1 to 3 or whatever. Its worked out pretty well - we are never stuffed or anything, but by the time we finish eating we rarely need anything else - especially if you eat slower and sit and talk during it to stretch it out - your stomach registers the food after about 20 minutes and you realize you dont really need more.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.
Offering food is not sabotage.
It is indeed sabotage when you're trying to retrain your habits and take charge of your overall diet, particularly when you've not yet established the new status quo. It takes a while to get to the point where you can confidently go for a burger or have cheesecake and fit it into your day without ending up either going over and becoming demoralised or hungry later on and demoralised! It can also take some people a while to master their once you start you can't stop foods. It might be that the pp ends up craving a big 1000 calorie meal from McDonald's and doesn't want that temptation at this point. If her partner ignores that and persists in trying to persuade her to have some then that is sabotage and is far from supportive.2 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.
Offering food is not sabotage.
I see this a lot on here and think maybe it would be helpful to clarify what sabotage is... If someone wants to "sabotage" your weight loss or health efforts, they would do things "stealthily" - i.e. like telling you something is sugar free when it is not, telling you something has less calories than it really does, changing your scale to make it look like you lost more than you did, etc. It would not be obvious.
Offering someone food they do not want is never sabotage because you are aware of it and have the choice to decline it. If they are doing it to purposely derail you because they dont want you to succeed it is not sabotage, it is just being a jerk. Offering someone food because they are eating some and want to be polite, or they show love by feeding people (many people do) is not sabotage, it is just that - politeness/caring. Either way you still have the choice to decline it.
Being unsupportive of someone's goals is very different from actively and purposely derailing someone without their knowledge or allowing them a choice.
So much this!!!1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »khanchett08 wrote: »Late to this. No, my hubby isn't supportive. I let him know Monday that o was doing this and so far he's tried to. Buy me McDonald, a bunch of soda, ETC. He doesn't understand because he's really skinny.
That has nothing to do with support.
Why not?
Sabotage is not supportive.
Offering food is not sabotage.
It is indeed sabotage when you're trying to retrain your habits and take charge of your overall diet, particularly when you've not yet established the new status quo. It takes a while to get to the point where you can confidently go for a burger or have cheesecake and fit it into your day without ending up either going over and becoming demoralised or hungry later on and demoralised! It can also take some people a while to master their once you start you can't stop foods. It might be that the pp ends up craving a big 1000 calorie meal from McDonald's and doesn't want that temptation at this point. If her partner ignores that and persists in trying to persuade her to have some then that is sabotage and is far from supportive.
*shrug* People are adults and can say "no". I believe in personal accountability and choice. We will have to agree to disagree.1 -
teenlee1710 wrote: »Incredibly blessed. My husband has been very encouraging! He has supported every single part of my new journey and I'm down 41lbs. He's a cook so when he's at work he looks at the calories on everything and will bring me healthy snacks! My 7 year old has lost 14lbs and IT'S NOT THAT WE PUT HIM ON A DIET but our snacking habits have changed in our household. . . . . Love MFP
That is absolutely fantastic!0 -
Mine doesn't get it. He runs marathons and eats one meal a day and then has junk food for snacks during the evening. Passes me the fries off his plate at the restaurant, offers me half the cookie. But he accepts me taking responsibility for myself and my choices. I can't expect him to do it for me. I gained 60 pounds after we got married ten years ago and he just doesn't see it on me. He accepts me as I am but doesn't understand. Then again, I would go nuts if he monitored my eating or exercise. That has always been my job. We eat out a lot and I choose where we go instead of asking him. He's always agreeable to that. And he likes it when I ask him to go for a walk....0
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Would love to hear from the men
My wife was skeptical when I started. "Noncommittal," would probably be the best way to describe it. I was 5'10 and 231, she was 5'6 and north of 300, so I assume her seeing me relatively closer to goal played into it. After seeing me embrace small changes that consistently yielded positive results, she too got on the MFP train and we both now fully support one another in our losses.
At first, it took some doing. When she would stop for drinks with our son, she would get me a sweet tea. A 300 calorie, sugar-laden sweet tea. "I really appreciate the thought, but I simply don't have the calories for this," turned it into the current iced tea with three packets of Splenda she will get me. My 125g per day protein goal and 2000-odd daily calorie budget is somewhat incongruous with her 1250 per day calorie goal, but I make it work by supplementing. Even to this day, over a year later, she still buys me "treats" like a "sharing size" bag of an m&m's limited flavor I would like. Some would see it and scream, "listen all of y'all it's a sabotage!" Instead, I either eat a calorically appropriate portion, or I hold onto it until I can eat all 450 calories of m&m's.3
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