Ashamed about my judgment

Healthyfink

I am so annoyed with myself and the reason I'm struggling. I have a neighbor I've known for 15 years. She's morbidly obese and has always had serious weight and self esteem issues. She had a lap band procedure and lost 100, but gained it back and then some (I'm not sure why she gained again but she did tell me that diets don't work on her body.) Last fall she had a loop ds procedure.... And the weight is falling off. She's lost almost 200 pounds and is now down to 250. She said she hasn't even had to make an effort. All she had to do was write a check.

I am sincerely happy for her because we all deserve health.

I am so mad at myself I can't lose the 40 pounds I need to lose. I am ashamed I have resentment about her success. It's all so dysfunctional and I know I need to accept the fact I have to do this the right and heathly way and can't just write a check to solve this like she is doing.

Thanks for your thoughts.

aliem

You can do it! Losing weight takes a lot of dedication. That's why a lot of people are serial yo-yo'ers. Just think of how proud you will be once you hit your goal the old fashioned way. Make a plan and stick to it! No body is perfect, so you will definitely make mistakes and maybe fall off the wagon. But you need to be dedicated enough to pick yourself back up and get back on track! 40 pounds isn't 200+. So you have already done something right, because you have not gotten to the point where you need a procedure to take off the pounds! Once she gets closer to a normal weight, she is going to have to put in an effort too! Be her role model!

airforceman1979

A high percentage of people gain the weight back my father in law did because they don't address the issue that caused the problem. And any one that goes on a almost liquid dit for a mouth would loss vast amounts of wight.the best thing to do is look at it this why hard work pays off and you want forget what it took to get there.so you will want to keep it off so you don't have to do the work again. In my opinion that is

dragon_girl26

Comparison is the thief of joy. The best bet for you is to do you, and let your neighbor tend to herself. We each have our own journey and her significant loss doesn't make any of your loss less valid, even if it's slower. Be her support system, and let her be yours if she wants to be. Her weight is "sliding off" because she was very heavy, but there will come a point as she gets smaller where she will struggle as well, especially if she hasn't been teaching herself better eating habits all of this time. Losing weight quickly =/= being healthy, necessarily.

JeromeBarry1

The check she wrote was quite large, and most of us would take several years of extraordinarily more difficult than weight loss patience to save that much money. My married and well-paid daughter had a surgical procedure to promote weight loss. I think it was a lap band. It was just a check for her, leftover cash. I have never contemplated surgical intervention for myself. In July I saw her, about a year after her procedure, and 6 months into my journey. She's not losing as fast as I. Just because money can be spent is no guarantee that it will be spent well. As you yourself say, the first check she wrote turns out to have been wasted money. Life is several years in sequence and with your neighbor's lack of self-discipline the second check is likely to prove wasted money also. Your mind is far more powerful than her check-book. Use it.

vixtris

The people who have these procedures and end up gaining the weight back is all due to not learning the right way to lose the weight. They put all of their faith into the procedure, and may follow it for some time. But, when they get to a comfortable range, their faith lies in their success, and they think they can get away with eating how they used to. But that is not how it works. Do not envy these approaches. You can do it the right way - and learn to keep it off forever.

Healthyfink

JeromeBarry1 wrote: »

Your mind is far more powerful than her check-book. Use it.

I love this. I am going to post it everywhere...my mirror, my computer, in my purse. You are right. Thank you

juliebowman4

One of the best things I ever did was make s commitment to put my measuring stick away.
No more measuring my personal success/failures against someone else's.
It's self-defeating.
The only person I want to compare myself to is the person I was yesterday.

Elise4270

Use it as inspiration. Motivate yourself. Even if it seems easy for others, we don't know their struggles. I'm sure her journey hasn't been easy. Enjoy yours!

girlwithcurls2

Healthyfink wrote: »

JeromeBarry1 wrote: »

Your mind is far more powerful than her check-book. Use it.

I love this. I am going to post it everywhere...my mirror, my computer, in my purse. You are right. Thank you

And you're off! Way to go, OP. Now, just keep it up. Concentrate on your own goals. Even getting there slowly is more progress than not getting there at all. You can do this. JB's entire post is gold. Re-read as necessary

anl90

Look at it this way: you are putting the hard work and effort into losing yours. I think when you go this route, it makes it that much more sweeter. I see those sorts of things as a shortcut, in a way. (And I am in no way putting down people who get those procedures done. I simply mean less work is put into it, IMHO.)

Sued0nim

Healthyfink wrote: »

I am so annoyed with myself and the reason I'm struggling. I have a neighbor I've known for 15 years. She's morbidly obese and has always had serious weight and self esteem issues. She had a lap band procedure and lost 100, but gained it back and then some (I'm not sure why she gained again but she did tell me that diets don't work on her body.) Last fall she had a loop ds procedure.... And the weight is falling off. She's lost almost 200 pounds and is now down to 250. She said she hasn't even had to make an effort. All she had to do was write a check.

I am sincerely happy for her because we all deserve health.

I am so mad at myself I can't lose the 40 pounds I need to lose. I am ashamed I have resentment about her success. It's all so dysfunctional and I know I need to accept the fact I have to do this the right and heathly way and can't just write a check to solve this like she is doing.

Thanks for your thoughts.

My thoughts are that this "And the weight is falling off. She's lost almost 200 pounds and is now down to 250. She said she hasn't even had to make an effort. All she had to do was write a check."

Is intensely worrying ...and an indication that she can as easily gain it back as last time she had surgery

Because losing weight is about making an effort...making an effort to stop eating as many calories, to move more and to prioritise your health over your gluttony or inactivity

We put on weight because we eat too much and move too little

If you find a way to cut down what you eat and stick to that for life and you find a way to move more and learn to enjoy the ease at which your body changes, moves and supports you then you have a chance at long term success

So you are jealous of your neighbour for having surgery and changing nothing else?

Don't be

Start logging your calories
Start taking more walks

Do you

fattothinmum

I lost my weight the old fashioned sweat and calorie way, but at the same time, I don't believe the operation route is easy either. I know a couple of women who had it. One gained it all back and more, as so long in deprivation meant she couldn't sustain it. The other has lost her weight but at the expense of pleasure of food, and stomach/toilet issues.

You neighbour might look as if she has it easy, but from what I've seen of people living it, writing a cheque isn't as easy a road as outsiders looking in think. They just rarely mention the difficult bits of it, because they've spent so much money and justifying that is key for their success. There are also so many things that can go wrong with operations and infections.

I've lost my weight and am now living a whole new lifestyle. We all choose our own paths to weight loss. None of them are easy. As someone else wrote, you do you. If she's so overweight, and you only have 40lbs to lose, the stakes aren't equal. I'd probably have been secretly jealous of you when I was huge. Swings and roundabouts. I don't get jealous now. I'm master of my own destiny in weight loss and so are you. If you're ready for your journey, you'll find the motivation. Why not try some workout plans and include your neighbour. This is tough for her too, but just in different ways that it's tough for those of us who change our lifestyle to do it.

Good luck, and I hope you can work it out.

belimawr

aliem wrote: »

You can do it! Losing weight takes a lot of dedication. That's why a lot of people are serial yo-yo'ers. Just think of how proud you will be once you hit your goal the old fashioned way.

This, right here, is what makes me feel good when I think about what I've done. How you should look at it, too. It may be taking a lot of effort, but hey, how come a lot of people think nothing about putting in effort at their jobs, yet neglect themselves? In the end, you didn't cheat, just remind yourself of that. When it's all done, you'll have accomplished it, not a surgeon.

amusedmonkey

WLS is not all rainbows and sunshine. Although she is happy with her weight loss now, some permanent changes have happened to her body with permanent side effects and different kinds of restriction. She just chose a different hard even if she doesn't feel it yet. Keep on doing what you are doing and know that both routes require habit modifications, the only difference is that these modifications are mechanically forced in case WLS and you don't have a choice not to make them because not following the recommendations would make you very uncomfortable. In the long run, after you both lose the weight you need to lose, she is left with possible persistent health side effects like bile reflux and malnutrition and possible transient side effects like bowel obstruction while you will be free of these oddities. Don't envy her or think that she chose the easy way out, she just chose a different way out that carries its own challenges.

allenpriest

I know someone well who had this same surgery. She can only eat very small amounts. If she eats too much or the wrong things she gets really sick. She has to plan her day out very carefully sKio that she can eat the right thing often enough. After seeing what she is going through I wouldn't do it.
I've lost over 100 pounds over 2.5 years the old fashioned way. And I don't have to focus all this energy on food like she does.

Healthyfink

I woke up to all of these insightful and wonderful posts. The kindness of strangers is overwhelming. Thank you for helping me move past ridiculous envy and into action. I have been stuck for awhile and I know today is different. Thank you all!

emdeesea

Yeah. A coworkers of my boyfriend lost a bunch of weight on some pills she got from her doctor. I don't know what she was on, but she lost weight and pretty fast. For a while she looked pretty good. And here I was losing weight 1 pound a month or so, trudging along.

Then she got pregnant and stopped the pills. She gained back all the weight and then some. And now the kid is 2 years old and she's still really heavy and I'm down 60 pounds, fitting in to size 2 jeans.

I did it the right way because I learned new healthy habits. She, however, like your neighbor, did not.

Phoenix4me18

I can relate to this 100%! My middle sister had WLS nearly 2 years ago and I have watched as she has been able to lose a massive amount of weight. She is a breast cancer survivor whose body had been pummeled by chemo and various other drugs. Her body just became completely unperceptive to any efforts she made to lose the weight she gained through her treatment. Her doctor recommended the surgery as a drastic step to get her to lose weight and reduce her chance for a cancer recurrence. The sister side of me completely supports this. It was the right choice for her. I know in my brain that this has not been easy for her. BUT. I started my WL efforts nearly a year ago and had lost over 40 pounds, recently regained a few pounds and am getting ready to tackle the last 50 pounds I need to lose. During my WL, not a single person ever noticed the changes I was trying. Everyone raved about my sister and how fabulous she looks. She does. She has beautiful collar bones, she can share clothes with her daughters, she moves easier, she is a skinny, blonde haired, blue eyed, sparkly girl. I stand next to her and disappear. I feel disappointed in myself and how I look - despite the GREAT accomplishment of weight loss I have achieved. I have moments that I try to avoid being photographed with her because I don't want to be the fat sister. I feel completely inferior next to her. It is really difficult to stay focused on my own accomplishments, but, I continue to try. I continue to try and see the great things I accomplish the "old fashioned way" and try to keep in mind that I would not want to spend the rest of my life only eating maybe a half cup of food every meal or not be able to sit down with a couple glasses of wine. I try to remind myself that I still can have the joy of food (in moderation of course) whereas she really can't. It's definitely not easy at all though.

Thanks for stating this thread. I try to talk to others about how I feel and people just don't seem to get it. It is comforting to know I am not the only one that struggles with feeling this way. All the comments here have been extremely helpful and encouraging! Take care and keep fighting your way down the scale.

LazSommer

afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »

I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.

It has been, actually.

ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken

But here you are taking a very hard look at your own attitude and making some difficult admissions. Not everyone is able to do that. That is a great starting place!

RachelElser

This is great time- it is literally what my Pastor's sermon was about this week. Don't compare yourself to her. You are in totally different places!! Be content with the weight loss that you will achieve through old fashioned work.
Also, just wait to see if she keeps it off, esp if her attitude is "diets don't work on me" aka- I eat what I want, when I want and then am surprised when I gain weight. And, you have no idea if what she says 'I didn't change anything' is really what is happening in every day life. She may just not want to admit how much she had to change because that would mean admitting her previous life style was unhealthy.

upoffthemat

I can relate to how you feel and I still have jealousy at times, but I have made a conscious effort the last few years to stop being jealous and just be happy for people. It hasn't made me a lot happier, but it has made me less miserable.

aneedforchange

Honestly I wouldn't even call that success ..because I feel like that would require some effort. You on the other hand can be proud of your achievements..and know that her logic of Diets not working is flawed and that she WILL have to make changes in order to keep losing eventually, it's not that easy to maintain when you never learned how to change your eating habits in a healthy way.

BeergirlinIowa

dragon_girl26 wrote: »

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I love this statement!

Shells918

In the past I've gotten very frustrated (jealous) of all the people who have lost 25 pounds in a few months when it has taken a year for me to lose that amount. But those feelings don't get me anywhere. Each one of us has a different journey, whether it's surgery, medication, or whatever. My body is losing at the pace it does, and I can't change much about it. I cut my calories, I cut my carbs, I up my exercise and let nature take its course. And I'm losing, which is the goal, and I'm happy about that. The negative feelings don't get me anywhere so I got rid of them.

not_a_runner

After gaining back the 65 lbs that I worked very hard to lose a few years ago, and struggling with ups and downs ever since, I've realized it doesn't matter if it takes longer. What matters is that I make lasting changes and build good habits that I can continue even after the "losing" is done. What is the weight loss worth if we don't learn/change anything and gain it right back again? (I felt really great for a short time, but after I reached my new heaviest weight, I felt awful. I thought I was a failure. It took me years to shake those thoughts.)
I've also thought a lot on progress. I am constantly looking for progress, and I get disappointed when I don't see it. But my ultimate goal this time around is to MAINTAIN my loss, and that's going to be slow. Putting in effort with little physical changes, but you have to do it anyway if you want long term success.
Focus on your journey, learning and growing from it even when you aren't seeing the physical progress immediately. It's about so much more than just seeing that scale go down.

JenniferNoll

It's unfair to be resentful of those who have WSL. It is not an easy way out. I will be having a gastric sleeve done in a couple of months after spending 30 of my 40 years on a perpetual diet. I have gained/lost the same 20 or so pounds for those 30 years. I have exercised consistently and have endurance that freaks out my personal trainer.

Working for so hard, for so long without results is soul-sucking and miserable. I'm not talking about 25 pounds I need to lose. It's closer to 100. I'm on the smaller end of people who elect to have this surgery, but within a 6 month period, it was suggested by my ob/gyn due to my increased risk of breast cancer. It was suggested by my PCP due to my blood pressure and sleep apnea. It was suggested by my GI doctor because I have fatty liver syndrome and much of the weight I carry currently was gained while on prednisone. Weight gained on prednisone is exceptionally hard to lose.

The point is that these surgeries are not made lightly. There is a lengthy process leading up to the surgery to prove that the patient will be able to be compliant with doctors' orders. Then the surgery itself is painful, requires a hospital stays, and has a sometimes lengthy recovery period. After that, the patient has to start out with clear liquids, no more than 4 ounces at a time. It is many weeks before the patient is able to have "real" food, with restrictions. No bread, no soft drinks, no pasta, no drinking through a straw.

Then there are the psychological issues that follow. Some people go nuts with the attention they receive. Some people leave their spouses because they are suddenly aware of other options. Some people gain back the weight because they never deal with the underlying issues that led to their weight gain in the first place.

These are people who are struggling day to day just like any other dieter, and must continue the struggle every day for the rest of their lives. They just do it in a different way.

Sara1791

JenniferNoll wrote: »

It's unfair to be resentful of those who have WSL. It is not an easy way out. I will be having a gastric sleeve done in a couple of months after spending 30 of my 40 years on a perpetual diet. I have gained/lost the same 20 or so pounds for those 30 years. I have exercised consistently and have endurance that freaks out my personal trainer.

Working for so hard, for so long without results is soul-sucking and miserable. I'm not talking about 25 pounds I need to lose. It's closer to 100. I'm on the smaller end of people who elect to have this surgery, but within a 6 month period, it was suggested by my ob/gyn due to my increased risk of breast cancer. It was suggested by my PCP due to my blood pressure and sleep apnea. It was suggested by my GI doctor because I have fatty liver syndrome and much of the weight I carry currently was gained while on prednisone. Weight gained on prednisone is exceptionally hard to lose.

The point is that these surgeries are not made lightly. There is a lengthy process leading up to the surgery to prove that the patient will be able to be compliant with doctors' orders. Then the surgery itself is painful, requires a hospital stays, and has a sometimes lengthy recovery period. After that, the patient has to start out with clear liquids, no more than 4 ounces at a time. It is many weeks before the patient is able to have "real" food, with restrictions. No bread, no soft drinks, no pasta, no drinking through a straw.

Then there are the psychological issues that follow. Some people go nuts with the attention they receive. Some people leave their spouses because they are suddenly aware of other options. Some people gain back the weight because they never deal with the underlying issues that led to their weight gain in the first place.

These are people who are struggling day to day just like any other dieter, and must continue the struggle every day for the rest of their lives. They just do it in a different way.

Yes, if you read carefully through you'll see that people are struggling with feelings they know are unfair or unhelpful. Most of these posts are trying to be both honest and kind which is a difficult combination sometimes.

nvmomketo

The bets fortue cooke I ever got said, "Acceptance is the key to happiness." I love this. It isn't that one need sto accept being overweight, or having less money, as a fate. It means (to me) that I have to accept the life that I have. I can change things within it but I can't have someone else's life. I need to do the best with what I have and accept what I have.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

MommyMeggo

I too have a friend who I semi-resented. She started taking phentermine and dropping weight ....as I worked on meal planning, weighing every spec and walking on my lunch breaks. Im not sure I was resentful she is my best friend- but maybe more eye rolling and shaking my head. I scoffed at her choices as opposed to patting my back that Im doing it on my own. Slower, but longer lasting.
Certainly my cheers for her weekly weight loss updates each Monday AM weren't deeply heartfelt as I thought of it as cheating in a way... taking the easy way out.
But then I came around and realized my thoughts were just poison to myself and her choices are hers and mine are mine. So I genuinely wished her all the luck and kept on trucking.

I also have a friend who had WLS- lost and regained- and dont envy her at all. That is NOT the easy way out and never a choice I would want to have to make; for vanity or health.

Your journey is yours. Letting the success of others steal your joy is only going to set you back. Jealousy or resentment only changes your mood and your outlook on the process. Save your energy for yourself.