Well-meaning sabotage.
SammyD242
Posts: 48 Member
Not everybody has been blessed with an iron-hard constitution and ability to avoid temptation. Certainly not me!
Whenever I put forth a real effort to maintain a healthier lifestyle I find that my family members seem to go out of their way to sabotage my efforts. They ask for the most fattening meals possible to be prepared. They discourage me from going for my evening walks. They bring me treats knowing I will have a hard time turning them down.
It's hard enough not to have the active support of people who care about me without their active sabotage. Is anyone else experiencing this and if so what do you do about it?
Whenever I put forth a real effort to maintain a healthier lifestyle I find that my family members seem to go out of their way to sabotage my efforts. They ask for the most fattening meals possible to be prepared. They discourage me from going for my evening walks. They bring me treats knowing I will have a hard time turning them down.
It's hard enough not to have the active support of people who care about me without their active sabotage. Is anyone else experiencing this and if so what do you do about it?
12
Replies
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Why do you think they are doing that- and are they aware of it? Have you told them this?
I would have that conversation- and erect huge boundaries of the behavior continues.8 -
My family was the same at first, now they have learned it is healthier for them too and if they don't want to starve they will eat what I make. My kids love working out with me as well so that is a bonus. My husband is a grown man, he is on his own. Again, if he doesn't like what I make, make your own or go without. He does not enjoy working out so that is on him. When he complains about me spending time away from home to workout, I ignore him or make a really sarcastic probably not very nice comment. You deserve to do this for you, you also deserve at least an hour to yourself everyday to workout. Don't let them sabotage you.14
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Reverse psychology. Tell them you are trying to gain weight.
Meanwhile. You and only you, have control over what you eat.4 -
I think we just notice it more when we are trying to be healthy. In my case, although it irritates me when my boyfriend brings me sweets, I know he does it because he knows I love them and he wants to make me happy.8
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I find just saying 'no thanks' or 'I'm really in the mood for something fresh' 'not in the mood for carbs/fatty food/chocolate' rather than you are counting calories or watching your weight helps. My husband is very supportive and will ask if I have enough calories for whatever or what another option would be but I do know people that try to persuade you to indulge!6
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Tell them what you just told us.
Or just shoot them the bird when they show up with chocolate. Or throw it at them.
I dunno. The world is my temptation so I have to just block it out.
But seriously...tell them.
Those who love each other deserve honesty in both directions. Respect them enough to assume they will do the right thing at your request. But in the end remember that only you are responsible for what goes in your mouth.8 -
Likely, they're living as they've always lived and you're just sensitive to the bad choices now.
Invite them you walk with you. Try new recipes to become family Favorites. Offer them fresh veggies. They'll catch iv, and might eventually even join you.12 -
Saying no always works for me.6
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Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.
My problem is that it hurts my feelings.
When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.
But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.15 -
I marked an X on the calendar in blue highlighter anytime I ate off plan. It was a great visual reminder for me and my husband could tell at a glance if I'd appreciate his thoughtfulness. Being rebuffed for trying to do something nice - which is what he was trying to do - wasn't something he enjoyed either! It's a non-issue now four years later but it was incredibly helpful in the beginning.
Set some boundaries and routines so your family knows what you'll appreciate and what you won't. Best wishes.
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What you describe is what I avoided by switching my workouts to very early mornings. The food part is hard some days, my wife wants what she wants, and I can choose to eat the same or I will choose to cook two different meals. Nice thing is that there's nobody rushing me to get my workout done now that I get up at 5am to complete it. As far as the food, we both like to cook, so I can always make what I want, or simply eat less of what she makes if it's too high in calories. For instance, she'll make spaghetti. I love her spaghetti! But, I'll go out, buy a couple of zucchini's and make zoodles and eat her sauce anyway. ;P Where there is a will, there is a way.7
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I understand why you're frustrated but like others said I think we just end up more sensitive to people's unhelpful suggestions when we are being conscious of our health. We can't exactly expect them to overhaul their lifestyle to suit us either.1
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Yep yep and yep! i get it with my husband almost every day. Last night for example, he came in with a huge bowl of chips and waved the bowl in my face and said "I know you want some", i declined. He then took out a huge handful and plonked them on my lap, and i digress.. I ate them.
Some nights when he gets up and starts making his delicious snacks, I get up and go watch tv in my bedroom, which makes zero difference as he just brings me a plate of snacks in bed, sometimes i have the willpower to resist and take it back to the kitchen, other times I eat it all. My lack of willpower combined with his constant food offerings is why i haven't been able to get down to my goal weight. I've told him a million times for over 2 years to just STOP, but it hasn't sunk in yet :mad:
He doesn't need to lose weight, plus he equates food and making me yummy stuff with love..5 -
Well-meaning sabotage. Sounds like an oxymoron.8
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Not everybody has been blessed with an iron-hard constitution and ability to avoid temptation. Certainly not me!
Whenever I put forth a real effort to maintain a healthier lifestyle I find that my family members seem to go out of their way to sabotage my efforts. They ask for the most fattening meals possible to be prepared. They discourage me from going for my evening walks. They bring me treats knowing I will have a hard time turning them down.
It's hard enough not to have the active support of people who care about me without their active sabotage. Is anyone else experiencing this and if so what do you do about it?
When you are not making this effort do they not ask for fattening meals or offer you treats? Are they suddenly eating different or are you just sensitive to it because you are doing something different?
Why do they care that you are doing this?
I would talk about your goals. Tell them they don't have to change but you do not want these items handed to you any more and you will be exercising every evening during a set time from now on. Do not accept treats you don't want. Spend time with people before or after your exercise period.
My family is eating the same as always and so am I mostly. I've had the easiest time this time because I eat normally.
I might leave cheese off my burger and have a salad with it or put more vegetables on my plate. No one cares what I do to my plate of food.
They buy things they like for snacks that I don't eat. They will ask me if I want some sometimes but if I say no they don't care.
No one has ever interfered with my exercise.
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My husband keeps offering to pour me a glass of wine on the weekends... when I say "no thanks" he then sticks his glass of freshly poured craft beer right under my nose and asks if I'd like a sip... do you know the kind of willpower it takes to resist?! I asked him "why would you do that?" And he says it's so I can have just a little and not feel deprived, but I have a feeling it's some sort of subconscious desire to sabotage. But again I say "no thanks" and move on. It is very irritating though. Stay strong!!5
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I think the snacks thing isn't sabotage - they just want to reward you. Sounds dumb, I know, but we have been conditioned that when someone does something good they deserve a reward. Why not buy healthy snacks? Little boxes of raisins, nuts, even some popcorn kernels to air pop. Explain if they want to offer you a snack, make it one of these. As for dinner time, either they eat what the cook makes or cereal. That's the rule in my house and my kids are 8 and 6. If they can follow that, anyone can.
As for exercise, enjoy the time alone. Buy some headphones and rock out to your favorite bands or even get books to listen to as you walk. I much more prefer walking alone than with someone. Also ask around on Facebook to find exercise buddies. Make it your special time away from the family.1 -
Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.
My problem is that it hurts my feelings.
When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.
But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.
I'm a little lost as to how the above is hurting your feelings.
It doesnt even sound like sabotage to me, just them wanting to do one thing and you wanting to do another - I mean, they dont have to want to go for a walk intead of playing cards, just because you do - or want to eat salads instead of burgers just because you do.
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Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.
My problem is that it hurts my feelings.
When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.
But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.
I had the exact same issue with my family. I'm not someone with a temper but if they keep pushing after i politely decline the first time I cant stop my voice from raising.2 -
I think the snacks thing isn't sabotage - they just want to reward you. Sounds dumb, I know, but we have been conditioned that when someone does something good they deserve a reward. Why not buy healthy snacks? Little boxes of raisins, nuts, even some popcorn kernels to air pop. Explain if they want to offer you a snack, make it one of these. As for dinner time, either they eat what the cook makes or cereal. That's the rule in my house and my kids are 8 and 6. If they can follow that, anyone can.
Or, if they are adults and capable of preparing food, they can prepare themselves a burger and cheese or fried fish - which they are doing for themselves.
They are not making OP eat that.
Not getting the problem with that.
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When you say your family, who do you mean? Husband and kids? Parents and siblings? I would be very upset if my husband tried to sabotage me and in fact, I fully expect him to support me. As for my kids, I'm in charge. If they don't want to walk with me, fine. But if they whine and ask me to stay home, I'd say "sorry, I need a walk. See you in a bit." If it's parents and siblings, I'd pretty much tell them how I feel and then ignore them! You deserve to have the people around you respect and support you!2
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RunHardBeStrong wrote: »My family was the same at first, now they have learned it is healthier for them too and if they don't want to starve they will eat what I make. My kids love working out with me as well so that is a bonus. My husband is a grown man, he is on his own. Again, if he doesn't like what I make, make your own or go without. He does not enjoy working out so that is on him. When he complains about me spending time away from home to workout, I ignore him or make a really sarcastic probably not very nice comment. You deserve to do this for you, you also deserve at least an hour to yourself everyday to workout. Don't let them sabotage you.
THANK YOU4 -
Oh and everyday my husband complains about how much i walk, even though it doesn't effect him one way or the other. I only aim for 15,000 steps, so I'm not walking a buttload and I'm usually done by 4pm!0
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Are you the cook in the household?
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For those who commented that they don't see the problem: Im really happy for you that you're surrounded by supportive folks who encourage your efforts. Also that you have fantastic willpower. I have neither of those things.
So when I prepare my family a healthy salad with grilled chicken for supper, and my husband snarls that he doesnt want "more rabbit food" and whips up a gorgeous bacon burger with all the toppings and some home fries.... and he puts some in front of me.... I either give in, or i feel resentful that he's not supporting me. Why tempt me like that??
I have a gigantic dog and I take her for 2 long walks a day: 6 am and after supper. I always invite my family (husband and 3 sons) to join me for the 2nd walk. I often hear complaints that i already took her for a walk, why dont i stay home and spend time with them, wah wah wah trying to make me give up my walk.
If one of them took up playing an instrument, a sport, photography or a new diet, I would, without question, support them. Subtle efforts to make me cheat on my eating or forego exercise is NOT SUPPORTIVE and that hurts my feelings.
When i quit smoking years ago, nobody kept putting cigarettes in my face every day and I stayed away from places where people smoked.4 -
Perhaps you could work a small portion of what they offer into your calories as weight loss is all about calorie deficit?
I don't eat anything different to my family.. I eat the exact same foods, just less of it.2 -
Sabotage with food happens if YOU allow it. No one forces you to eat. The great thing here is you get to make the choice. There will ALWAYS be temptation in life.
My personal opinion is one can eat whatever they want, as long as they account for the calories. You are responsible for how much you consume.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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In real life, especially with weight loss, most people aren't really in your corner. If you lose weight, it reflects on them how little control they have to do it themselves.Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.
My problem is that it hurts my feelings.
When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.
But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.
So don't take it personal. Just do it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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SammyD242, I didn't mean to sound like I'm "better" than you or anyone else, but I do think that only you can control what happens to you. It would hurt my feelings too if my husband mocked me or disregarded me but I always make food that I don't eat or I only eat a little of. Tonight I made salad for dinner for myself and my husband. For him I cooked up some spicy chicken breast. For our son, I made corn, chicken and french fries. I added some cheese and turkey to my salad and used my favorite salad dressing. I don't really like chicken or frozen french fries so I didn't miss anything. I think it's about your mindset. Yes they should support you but you can support yourself better than anyone else! And as for resisting temptation…I had a cake pop and a cheeseburger for "breakfast" this morning. But then I watched the rest of my day and came in just under my calorie limit. It's kind of a game to me…eat what I like and as much as I can while staying under my goal number. It takes me a looooong time to lose anything but I feel good that I'm trying!2
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Sometimes, I think, people feel threatened when someone close to them begins to make healthier choices because it causes them to feel ashamed of their own unhealthy ones...11
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