Well-meaning sabotage.

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Replies

  • rcktgirl05
    rcktgirl05 Posts: 87 Member
    I have the opposite problem. When I visit my mother she thinks because I'm "dieting" that "bad" foods are off limits. She'll bring out something to eat and then pull it away and say Oh you can't have that. Which because it's my mother makes me immediately think oh yes I can, watch me! It's a mess either way. First stop when I get in town is the grocery store to make sure I have some of my own standbys on hand, then I just have to ignore the comments. I know what works for me, and for the first time in my life I'm putting ME first.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
    gothchiq wrote: »
    SammyD242 wrote: »
    For those who commented that they don't see the problem: Im really happy for you that you're surrounded by supportive folks who encourage your efforts. Also that you have fantastic willpower. I have neither of those things.

    So when I prepare my family a healthy salad with grilled chicken for supper, and my husband snarls that he doesnt want "more rabbit food" and whips up a gorgeous bacon burger with all the toppings and some home fries.... and he puts some in front of me.... I either give in, or i feel resentful that he's not supporting me. Why tempt me like that??

    I have a gigantic dog and I take her for 2 long walks a day: 6 am and after supper. I always invite my family (husband and 3 sons) to join me for the 2nd walk. I often hear complaints that i already took her for a walk, why dont i stay home and spend time with them, wah wah wah trying to make me give up my walk.

    If one of them took up playing an instrument, a sport, photography or a new diet, I would, without question, support them. Subtle efforts to make me cheat on my eating or forego exercise is NOT SUPPORTIVE and that hurts my feelings.

    When i quit smoking years ago, nobody kept putting cigarettes in my face every day and I stayed away from places where people smoked.

    He puts it IN FRONT OF YOU? um no how about no. If he calls your cooking rabbit food then I would be telling him "I don't want more piggy food, better rabbit than pig." If they rag you about walking I would probably tell them I would rather enjoy some fresh air than let my *kitten* put down roots in the couch. If they are going to be snarky and rotten well 2 can play at that game. Granted I'm sort of short tempered and I don't mind a confrontation if someone is on my nerves, I'm not necessarily saying my way is what a therapist would recommend lol but I do not take kindly to people sabotaging my efforts as if I were not an adult to make my own decisions and have them respected.

    Yeah this sounds like a real healthy way to fix a marriage problem. :yawn:
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
    elisa123gal wrote: »
    I've written this on man posts like this.. but I've learned it is best not to talk about weightloss efforts with family or significant other. They almost always sabotage ... we could analyze it to death. We can't leave our family or husbands... they just can't accept the change for one reason or another. bottom line.. take the focus off your efforts.. so they get onto something else. like their own lives. haha.

    Yeah you can leave. I left and never looked back.
  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    SammyD242 wrote: »
    Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.

    My problem is that it hurts my feelings.

    When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.

    But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.


    Maybe find a walking buddy? or join a walking group so you're not on your own.

    Let your family know how you feel, and tell them all you're switching to a healthier lifestyle, and they are too - if you cook it they will eat it or go without. Maybe suggest that there will be a weekly treat but other than that, you don't want to see any more unhealthy food in the house.

    There's nothing wrong with burgers, cheese (in small quantities) or fish - you can make healthier alternatives than fried fish. Home made burgers can be better than shop bought, as can a lot of other food. At least they're eating the veg/salad, so they are getting the good stuff too.

    Don't feel 'let down' - are you doing this for you or them? As you said, you will be fit and healthy, and it will be all down to you. Please remember that the weight didn't appear overnight, nor will it disappear overnight, you seem to be hard on yourself, be kind to yourself and remember how amazing you are.
  • not_my_first_rodeo
    not_my_first_rodeo Posts: 311 Member
    I've done this so many times and been sabotaged so many times that I finally learned not to tell anyone what I was doing. Although now I'm at the point where it's noticeable that I've lost weight and it's kind of hard to hide it.

    In my experience you get sabotaged by friends and family and acquaintances for a couple of different reasons conscious and subconscious:
    1. They are used to the dynamic of you being the overweight one. And now that's changing and it's new and unsettling to them.
    2. Your success is making them take a look at themselves and maybe they're not ready or willing to do that.
    3. They are jerks.
    4. Food represents love. If you aren't eating what the person prepared, the person thinks it means you don't love him or her.
    6. They aren't thinking. Like a lot of times there will be someone who just loves to bake and really this person just didn't think that it would be incredibly difficult for you to turn down a piece of that triple chocolate mousse.

    Sometimes a conversation seems to help. Sometimes I've learned to avoid the person, which in your case, isn't really possible. Sometimes I grin and bear it. Sometimes I deflect. Sometimes I tell the truth, "Wow, that looks fantastic [very, very true], but lately dairy isn't agreeing with me [also true]."

    I'm not sure what to suggest in your situation other than keep your head down until you can get out of there.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Oh, and I just thought of something else.

    If, for example, I decided to forego the bun for my hamburger for dinner and someone commented on it, I was very careful not to subtly make them feel 'wrong' or gluttonous for having theirs. I would just say something like, "I don't have room in my budget today for the bun," or "I'd just rather have the meat, instead."

    I found that this was actually the hardest part of what I was doing - being careful not to come off as sanctimonious in any way in response to their curiosity about my choices. :)

    I can relate. Owning your own power is important when it comes to a health journey.
  • checkmatekingtwo
    checkmatekingtwo Posts: 118 Member
    SammyD242 wrote: »
    ... and he puts some in front of me.... I either give in, or i feel resentful that he's not supporting me. Why tempt me like that??

    I have a gigantic dog and I take her for 2 long walks a day: 6 am and after supper. I always invite my family (husband and 3 sons) to join me for the 2nd walk. I often hear complaints that i already took her for a walk, why dont i stay home and spend time with them, wah wah wah trying to make me give up my walk.

    No one can force you to eat. But by giving in, you are actually conditioning them to continue the behavior. When you give in, you are rewarding them for their offering you food. By giving in, they could interpret it as you being grateful they made the effort to offer you food. Only you can signal to them that you are serious about your new lifestyle. And you do that by not giving in.

    It also sounds like you are trying to sabotage their own choices. You say you continue to try to get your family to walk with you after they have made it clear that they are not interested. They are sticking to their convictions. Now you stick to your convictions about your diet.

    Yes, it's hard. We've all been there. But even if you had the most supportive family in the world, it would still be hard. You've just got to make the decision for yourself that you are making this change.

    You can do it. Don't sell yourself short by saying, "Not everybody has been blessed with an iron-hard constitution and ability to avoid temptation. Certainly not me!" You can be better than that, but only if you decide that you CAN avoid temptation.

    Good luck with your journey.
  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Abusive relationships aside (because one person's abusive is another's normal) I lost 75 lbs last year by eating all of the things that I normally did - just less of them, and with a few small changes.

    I'm the cook in the family, and there were 3 other adults besides myself that I had to take into consideration. Just because *I* decided to lose weight did not give me the high-horse right to completely change their diet, too, in an eat-what-I-make-or-starve mindset. That simply wouldn't have gone well, nor do I think it's right for me to just arbitrarily impose my diet on everyone else in the household.

    <3

    At no stage did I state that anyone should 'starve' - no-one is going to 'starve' from missing one meal. You're not 'arbitrarily imposing your diet' on anyone - you're giving them healthy food.!!!

    People (children & adults) need to appreciate the time and effort that has gone into preparing a meal and have the respect to eat it (food intolerances would be the exception).

    The op is choosing to cook/prepare salad and or veg - they are cooking the protein themselves, (which is upsetting to the op) which the op thinks is unhealthy, I've stated that burgers and fish can be prepared in healthy way.

    The op has stated that her family are asking her to cook fattening foods, I suggest that the op creates healthy versions - so they can all eat the same meal.

    Whoever does the cooking has the control : If the op wants to cook 3/4 different meals because that's what people ask for - It's the ops choice.

    Obviously the op has the choice to not prepare the healthy food for the family - but could you eat healthy food and watch your children eat heart attack burgers with a clear conscience?

    Making the right (or wrong!) food choices is a lifestyle - that's why I'm here, 6 stone overweight, because I made the wrong choices because I didn't have someone who cared enough to say 'no, eat this, not that'.


  • AJF230
    AJF230 Posts: 81 Member
    my mom is always baking cookies. always tasty treats sitting around at home too. Always dessert offered when we go to in-laws house. I just politely decline and have some coffee. I tell mom "nope, not on my nutrition plan" but they sure do look delicious! She's diabetic, and doesn't even eat them herself.
    It took about 2 months but the eyerolling stopped when people saw I was serious. Being back to a normal BMI is proof enough. Now they don't believe I have excess % body fat, but I know better and am working on that too. "The fool thinks he's good enough...the wise man knows he's still a mess and to keep working"
  • Sloth2016
    Sloth2016 Posts: 846 Member
    edited October 2016
    The strategy I evolved in the past 3 years of leaning out is to reserve a fair portion of the day's calories for times when I am with others. So, I cut the size of the meals/snacks that I take alone - weekday mornings, most afternoons, and weekend afternoons. This leaves me a bunch of calories that I can spend when I am with my DW or co-workers who are going to want to include food in the mix.

    I find the "struggle" dynamic goes away and it just makes things easier for all if I eat what they are eating when they are eating (although usually less of it).
  • cross2bear
    cross2bear Posts: 1,106 Member
    People are not good with change, especially if they believe that it will impact them in a negative way. If they dont see how a change can be positive, they often engage in behaviours that try to derail the change. Maybe a discussion about Moms journey would be helpful, and how its not going to end up with everyone eating rabbit food/pellets or never having a bowl of potato chip again - when children are involved, it can be quite scary to change, as they have absolutely no control over how it goes, and they dont have experience in life enough yet for them to be able to see all the possible outcomes of the change.

    As for hubby and his comments, I dont think he is an asshat, he is expressing frustration and maybe a bit of anger. Remember that anger is fear expressed outwardly - he also is struggling with changes, and how it will impact him - will she get so much more beautiful that she wont want him in her life anymore? Will she compare him to better looking men? Will he still be able to keep her happy etc?

    Unfortunately, people dont come with a users manual, and relationships ALWAYS change and evolve, but there is never a guidebook for that - communications about what people are feeling is the only way we can get some semblance of accurate feedback from each other - it is really risky to make an assessment on someones motivation simply by observing a snippet of behaviour.

    OP, bottom line, if your feelings are hurt, say so - tell your family that you feel let down and disappointed that you are not being treated the way you want to be treated - and then tell them how you want to be treated!!! Be clear about your expectations and what you will and will not stand for - tell them that your health is important to you and that you want their support. See if you can brainstorm as a group some activities that you can do together that everyone will enjoy, and see if you can come up with some weekly menus that meet everyones needs. That way you protect whats important to you, and your family understands what is going on and how it will only mean good things for them - like a happy, healthy wife and mother.

    Remember that old saying - if mama isnt happy, no ones happy!! Or is it happy wife, happy life? Or happy spouse, happy house? Anyway....................................good luck!

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