Well-meaning sabotage.

AliceDark

OP, did you discuss any of these changes with your husband and sons ahead of time, or did you just make changes and expect them to keep up?

I think a lot of people would be upset if their lives were previously "bacon burgers and sedentary family time," and one family member suddenly mandated "grilled chicken salads and dog walks." You may be coming at it from a perspective that says "look at all these positive healthy changes!", but they may be seeing that wife/mom suddenly changed everything and they didn't get to provide any input.

Plus, it sounds like your husband isn't preventing you from making any changes in your life. What he IS doing is maintaining his previous standard of living (by cooking his own meals separately). You two are both behaving in the exact same way...making changes (or refusing to make changes) without working together with the other person. You need to talk and figure out ways to compromise.

mumblemagic

I think what I'm hearing is you make something nice but because it's not what they are used to, your husband is insulting about your cooking and then makes something super tasty that is off the menu for you on your diet.

This is 2 problems: 1. Hubby being rude about your cooking (rightly upsetting) 2. Hubby's bad foods "sabotaging" your diet.

Problem 3: I'm hearing that the dog needs walking and you need walking, but they are feeling neglected because they are used to having more time with you.

For problem 1: you need to tell your hubby you feel upset when he insults your cooking, but compromising on meal plans will also help this and problem 2. Try doing the tasty foods but with a healthy twist for you - no reason you can't do a juicy burger and not have chips or the bun. If you want to try to get hubby/kids to start eating healthier, that's a bit more complicated.

For problem 3, maybe do a shorter walk 3 times a week and have some programmed family quality time. To meet the dog's needs on short walk days, brain games actually burn more energy than walking and are really good for the dog. Hide toys around the house, get an activity ball and feed the dog with that rather than the bowl, teach the dog tricks. You could even make it the family activity

TL;DR try to get your family on side by talking to them and compromising.

girlwithcurls2

That doesn't sound "well-meaning" at all...

mumblemagic

This might help either a) for ideas for your dog or b) as a cute video to watch.

http://3milliondogs.com/dogbook/this-smart-mini-dachshund-plays-with-an-ifetch-machine/

DebSozo

SammyD242 wrote: »

Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.

My problem is that it hurts my feelings.

When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.

But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.

Have you thought about budgeting in some of your family's dinner favorites? I will save up calories from earlier in the day so I can eat dinner with family. Of course I weigh. My portions are not as big as theirs, and I don't go for seconds.

I found that my husband tended to tempt and sabotage at the beginning to test how solid my resolve was. I had a serious talk and asked hubby if he wanted me to stay overweight. He said, "No" so that gave me an opening to tell him that I planned to stick with the program. Once he realized it was for real he decided to get on board and lose weight too! I rarely have troubles with sabotage, plus he has lost weight and is happy with that.

jgnatca

Are your boys into Pokemon Go? Perhaps they would join you on your walks if it included a few Pokestops.

It sounds like hubby is fond of flavourful meals with higher fat, and is a pretty decent cook, too. On nights he wants the fatty burger, could you get him to cut yours in half and put the second half away? You can eat yours with the salad.

I'm trying to find ways for your family to find some middle ground. Maybe they don't join you every night for the walk. But once in a while, surely?

That being said if I had waited for my hubby to join me in my exercise goals I would have literally been waiting years. I learned his not stopping me was in itself a kind of support. I don't feel bad any more about heading out on an activity he has no interest in. Part of this is our widely different preferences. I think it is fun to get sweaty, dirty, or covered in goo. He prefers a pristine indoor gym.

kommodevaran

I think that if you "give in" now and then, you will continue to be offered, and as long as you see the food you "give in to" as gorgeous and delicious, as opposed to the "healthy" food ("rabbit food") you are eating, you signal that you want to be "sabotaged".

mumblemagic

One thing I've noticed about a lot of these "sabotage" threads, is that they all seem to revolve around a lack of empathy.

Think of it this way. Your hubby likes burgers and does not like salads. Your kids enjoy spending time with you in front of the tv, or just hanging out. Because *you* want to lose weight, you try to force them to eat food you want and they don't like, and you stop hanging out with them unless they do it on your terms.

Of course hubby is upset when you try to force him to change his diet. Of course your kids are upset when you stop spending time with them. Wouldn't you be pissed off if someone simultaneously forced you to change your diet and stopped spending time with you doing the things you like?

Same with the fabled co-worker "sabotage". Why should people stop buying donuts/cakes/ going for pub lunches because one person in the group is trying to lose weight?

It's not sabotage, it's not really even lack of support, it's not allowing someone else's choices to affect how you live your life.

True support is working with you to make sure you can still get what you need, without impacting too much on your family and loved ones. You can make healthier versions of your family's favourite meals, find activities the kids like that are active so you can spend time together and get fit, go to the pub with co-workers but order the healthiest option and building it into your calories. They can offer moral support - help you find recipes for the meals, help find activities to do together (although with teenagers maybe don't expect too much ), and co-workers give encouragement to make the "right" menu choices, and every now and again go to a different pub with lots of healthy food.

Don't be a born-again gym bunny clean eater and try to force your new lifestyle on others. It's not going to end well.

/rant over

luv2shimmy

So much judgement in here. OP, I'm sorry that it seems you're in a crappy situation. Do what you need to do to take care of you and your sons. I've been there, done that, and I have the crappy t-shirt (and the signed divorce papers too).

I would say, on the food topic, maybe you can come to some agreement where on the night that you want chicken and salad, maybe make another side for him and your sons so you're all eating some variation of the same meal? I used to do that when I was married - make some sort of protein, a vegetable, and a starch and they could eat whatever they liked, but I would eat the protein and the vegetable and make a salad to go with it. What seems to work at my house is that my kids all know how to cook, so they make their dinners most nights and I make my dinner, and we eat at the same time. They all know that if they want junk food like chips or cookies, they should either have them somewhere other than at home, or they should keep it out of my sight. They all have a cabinet in the kitchen where they keep their stash and I just don't go in there. When I take the dog for a walk - they're welcome to join me, but if not, I'll see them (and spend some time with them) when I get back. And if they complain, well, I'm sorry you don't like it.

The suggestion for Pokemon Go was a good one too, if it's workable.

kittyy250

What are your stats OP?
A few years ago I had the same issue... Family trying to feed me all the time telling me to stop exercising so much told me I was being ridiculous as I didn't need to lose weight

Turns out they were right and I developed an eating disorder and poor health

Are you positive there not just looking out for you??

SammyD242

kittyy250 wrote: »

What are your stats OP?
A few years ago I had the same issue... Family trying to feed me all the time telling me to stop exercising so much told me I was being ridiculous as I didn't need to lose weight

Turns out they were right and I developed an eating disorder and poor health

Are you positive there not just looking out for you??

Im 5'6, 188 lbs. Ive gained 50 lbs in the past 5 years. Lol. No eating disorder here.

I do appreciate your kind concern. (And yours, t_tullius. )

I had a very healthy, well-balanced diet when I moved here 5 years ago. But my significant other really likes deep fried fatty foods and lots of junk. He does not exercise and hates it when I do. 2 months ago when I decided to start taking care of myself again he and the boys said they would be supportive and would help me with encouragement. But they have all been bringing home chocolate bars and treats and trying to get me to eat way, way, way beyond my calorie allowance every day. It's like they are challenging my willpower.

I am not forcing any of them to adopt my healthy habits. And as @T_Tillius pointed out there has been a lot of judgment on this thread and people jumping to very negative conclusions.

So I will read through everyone's comments again to find the positive and will do what I can with what I have. Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.