Well-meaning sabotage.
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One thing I have learned .. we cant blame anyone else for our eating habits .
On a funnier note .. I was talking to people in check out line.the other day ... Told.them my girlfriend likes chocolate .. even if it does say skinny cow on the box .. lol
Good luck1 -
I love you.snickerscharlie wrote: »Abusive relationships aside (because one person's abusive is another's normal) I lost 75 lbs last year by eating all of the things that I normally did - just less of them, and with a few small changes.
I'm the cook in the family, and there were 3 other adults besides myself that I had to take into consideration. Just because *I* decided to lose weight did not give me the high-horse right to completely change their diet, too, in an eat-what-I-make-or-starve mindset. That simply wouldn't have gone well, nor do I think it's right for me to just arbitrarily impose my diet on everyone else in the household.
So I simply cooked the dinners that I normally did, ate less of it, made some small changes on *my* plate (no cheese on the burger, some salad instead of fries, a piece of fruit for dessert instead of cake, yadda-yadda-yadda). I would also watch my calorie intake during breakfast and lunch to make sure I could partake in the normal family dinner.
And you know what? It was relatively easy. No drama, no butthurtness, no sabotage. Why? Because my actions didn't directly impact them. And because of that, they were completely supportive of what I was trying to do.
My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything picked up at the store. You know, milk, bread, cream. And he would sometimes also get me a chocolate bar as a treat. When I asked him not to do that anymore unless I specifically asked him to get me a little something, he took it as an adult would and simply stopped doing that. I know he was coming from a place of love when he bought them for me before, so I knew he would also come from a place of love by honouring my request to no longer do that unless I asked him to.
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cross2bear wrote: »People are not good with change, especially if they believe that it will impact them in a negative way. If they dont see how a change can be positive, they often engage in behaviours that try to derail the change. Maybe a discussion about Moms journey would be helpful, and how its not going to end up with everyone eating rabbit food/pellets or never having a bowl of potato chip again - when children are involved, it can be quite scary to change, as they have absolutely no control over how it goes, and they dont have experience in life enough yet for them to be able to see all the possible outcomes of the change.
As for hubby and his comments, I dont think he is an asshat, he is expressing frustration and maybe a bit of anger. Remember that anger is fear expressed outwardly - he also is struggling with changes, and how it will impact him - will she get so much more beautiful that she wont want him in her life anymore? Will she compare him to better looking men? Will he still be able to keep her happy etc?
Unfortunately, people dont come with a users manual, and relationships ALWAYS change and evolve, but there is never a guidebook for that - communications about what people are feeling is the only way we can get some semblance of accurate feedback from each other - it is really risky to make an assessment on someones motivation simply by observing a snippet of behaviour.
OP, bottom line, if your feelings are hurt, say so - tell your family that you feel let down and disappointed that you are not being treated the way you want to be treated - and then tell them how you want to be treated!!! Be clear about your expectations and what you will and will not stand for - tell them that your health is important to you and that you want their support. See if you can brainstorm as a group some activities that you can do together that everyone will enjoy, and see if you can come up with some weekly menus that meet everyones needs. That way you protect whats important to you, and your family understands what is going on and how it will only mean good things for them - like a happy, healthy wife and mother.
Remember that old saying - if mama isnt happy, no ones happy!! Or is it happy wife, happy life? Or happy spouse, happy house? Anyway....................................good luck!
Pro-tip: When someone says they are in an abusive marriage, you don't respond with "oh your abuser is probably just afraid; be a better wife."
This (the attitude here and in other posts questioning if he is *really* abusive) is one reason people have a hard time leaving abusers.
OP, You owe this guy nothing. No amount of perfect wifing will fix an abuser. And whatever the emotional reasons under his abuse are- they are not your problem. Your only priorities are ensuring you and your children are safe in every sense of the word- and most certainly in terms of emotional health and ability to later form healthy attachments. Don't listen to anyone who tries to make you feel anything other than empowered to protect yourself and your children.
You've got this.
Oh my god you have got to be kidding. I dont recall the OP saying she is in an abusive marriage. I believe she was reporting an incident - just ONE incident. She said her feelings were hurt, not that she was afraid of him. God almighty, why do some people want to see a problem where there may not be one? You are certainly getting in your exercise today, leaping to all these conclusions.1 -
cross2bear wrote: »cross2bear wrote: »People are not good with change, especially if they believe that it will impact them in a negative way. If they dont see how a change can be positive, they often engage in behaviours that try to derail the change. Maybe a discussion about Moms journey would be helpful, and how its not going to end up with everyone eating rabbit food/pellets or never having a bowl of potato chip again - when children are involved, it can be quite scary to change, as they have absolutely no control over how it goes, and they dont have experience in life enough yet for them to be able to see all the possible outcomes of the change.
As for hubby and his comments, I dont think he is an asshat, he is expressing frustration and maybe a bit of anger. Remember that anger is fear expressed outwardly - he also is struggling with changes, and how it will impact him - will she get so much more beautiful that she wont want him in her life anymore? Will she compare him to better looking men? Will he still be able to keep her happy etc?
Unfortunately, people dont come with a users manual, and relationships ALWAYS change and evolve, but there is never a guidebook for that - communications about what people are feeling is the only way we can get some semblance of accurate feedback from each other - it is really risky to make an assessment on someones motivation simply by observing a snippet of behaviour.
OP, bottom line, if your feelings are hurt, say so - tell your family that you feel let down and disappointed that you are not being treated the way you want to be treated - and then tell them how you want to be treated!!! Be clear about your expectations and what you will and will not stand for - tell them that your health is important to you and that you want their support. See if you can brainstorm as a group some activities that you can do together that everyone will enjoy, and see if you can come up with some weekly menus that meet everyones needs. That way you protect whats important to you, and your family understands what is going on and how it will only mean good things for them - like a happy, healthy wife and mother.
Remember that old saying - if mama isnt happy, no ones happy!! Or is it happy wife, happy life? Or happy spouse, happy house? Anyway....................................good luck!
Pro-tip: When someone says they are in an abusive marriage, you don't respond with "oh your abuser is probably just afraid; be a better wife."
This (the attitude here and in other posts questioning if he is *really* abusive) is one reason people have a hard time leaving abusers.
OP, You owe this guy nothing. No amount of perfect wifing will fix an abuser. And whatever the emotional reasons under his abuse are- they are not your problem. Your only priorities are ensuring you and your children are safe in every sense of the word- and most certainly in terms of emotional health and ability to later form healthy attachments. Don't listen to anyone who tries to make you feel anything other than empowered to protect yourself and your children.
You've got this.
Oh my god you have got to be kidding. I dont recall the OP saying she is in an abusive marriage. I believe she was reporting an incident - just ONE incident. She said her feelings were hurt, not that she was afraid of him. God almighty, why do some people want to see a problem where there may not be one? You are certainly getting in your exercise today, leaping to all these conclusions.
Yes the OP did...For those who commented that they don't see the problem: Im really happy for you that you're surrounded by supportive folks who encourage your efforts. Also that you have fantastic willpower. I have neither of those things.
So when I prepare my family a healthy salad with grilled chicken for supper, and my husband snarls that he doesnt want "more rabbit food" and whips up a gorgeous bacon burger with all the toppings and some home fries.... and he puts some in front of me.... I either give in, or i feel resentful that he's not supporting me. Why tempt me like that??
I have a gigantic dog and I take her for 2 long walks a day: 6 am and after supper. I always invite my family (husband and 3 sons) to join me for the 2nd walk. I often hear complaints that i already took her for a walk, why dont i stay home and spend time with them, wah wah wah trying to make me give up my walk.
If one of them took up playing an instrument, a sport, photography or a new diet, I would, without question, support them. Subtle efforts to make me cheat on my eating or forego exercise is NOT SUPPORTIVE and that hurts my feelings.
When i quit smoking years ago, nobody kept putting cigarettes in my face every day and I stayed away from places where people smoked.
He puts it IN FRONT OF YOU? um no how about no. If he calls your cooking rabbit food then I would be telling him "I don't want more piggy food, better rabbit than pig." If they rag you about walking I would probably tell them I would rather enjoy some fresh air than let my *kitten* put down roots in the couch. If they are going to be snarky and rotten well 2 can play at that game. Granted I'm sort of short tempered and I don't mind a confrontation if someone is on my nerves, I'm not necessarily saying my way is what a therapist would recommend lol but I do not take kindly to people sabotaging my efforts as if I were not an adult to make my own decisions and have them respected.
Uh, right. Ok. But it seems that either OP is married to a complete and total jerk and probably should do something about that (and I don't mean be a jerk back)- OR the OP is worked up, frustrated by her self-imposed dietary restrictions, and kinda exaggerating the scenario. I mean, it's WEIRD if this guy rejected the meal she prepared, snarled at her and demeaned her cooking...and then created an elaborate burger and replaced her meal (was she still eating it? Idk) with something she explicitly said no to. WEIRD. And by weird I mean something is off. Whether that something is the story or her partner's character, idk.
Assuming he's not actually the asshat she describes, a compromise might be to budget your calories such that you can enjoy the meal with your family with some minor tweaks. And invite them to do something active you know they will be into. Or find a walking friend.
No, he's an asshat. And the resulting stress/depression is visible to all in the weight I've put on. For him, it's a control issue. I didn't plan to mention any of this. But yes, I'm in an abusive relationship that i need to leave. But today I'm working on getting back in charge of ME and looking for support as i take my small steps back to control.
Also, I dont restrict what i eat. Im fine with a bacon burger if i have the calories left in my daily allotment. But my favourite meal is grilled chicken in a spinach salad, and i make it once a week.
But again, I live with an asshat.
Thank you, all, for your encouragement and good ideas.
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My apologies then - I didnt see that post.0
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When i quit smoking years ago, nobody kept putting cigarettes in my face every day and I stayed away from places where people smoked.
If you can quit smoking, then you can lose the weight. I quit back in 2011 and gained gobs of weight and I'm just now getting around to losing it.
I'm sorry your relationship isn't great and that he is threatened by your successes and has a bigger interest in derailing you than supporting your change. But, understand his behavior is because he's scared that if you can control your weight, you will be able to control other aspects of your life--and that might mean your life no longer includes him. For the first time in forever, you are working on yourself and making progress toward the person you want to be (or to make your inside person match the outside person). Doing this is HARD WORK.
Whether or not you stay or leave your relationship DON'T GIVE UP. You are absolutely worth making these changes for yourself. You DESERVE to be the person you want to be so keep working at it. So much of this battle is in our heads, not just on the plate, but you are doing all the right things on your plate--so keep working on your head. Easier said than done, but you CAN do this and you WILL do this.
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rugratz2015 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »Abusive relationships aside (because one person's abusive is another's normal) I lost 75 lbs last year by eating all of the things that I normally did - just less of them, and with a few small changes.
I'm the cook in the family, and there were 3 other adults besides myself that I had to take into consideration. Just because *I* decided to lose weight did not give me the high-horse right to completely change their diet, too, in an eat-what-I-make-or-starve mindset. That simply wouldn't have gone well, nor do I think it's right for me to just arbitrarily impose my diet on everyone else in the household.
At no stage did I state that anyone should 'starve' - no-one is going to 'starve' from missing one meal. You're not 'arbitrarily imposing your diet' on anyone - you're giving them healthy food.!!!
People (children & adults) need to appreciate the time and effort that has gone into preparing a meal and have the respect to eat it (food intolerances would be the exception).
The op is choosing to cook/prepare salad and or veg - they are cooking the protein themselves, (which is upsetting to the op) which the op thinks is unhealthy, I've stated that burgers and fish can be prepared in healthy way.
The op has stated that her family are asking her to cook fattening foods, I suggest that the op creates healthy versions - so they can all eat the same meal.
Whoever does the cooking has the control : If the op wants to cook 3/4 different meals because that's what people ask for - It's the ops choice.
Obviously the op has the choice to not prepare the healthy food for the family - but could you eat healthy food and watch your children eat heart attack burgers with a clear conscience?
Making the right (or wrong!) food choices is a lifestyle - that's why I'm here, 6 stone overweight, because I made the wrong choices because I didn't have someone who cared enough to say 'no, eat this, not that'.
In my mind - and in my household - strategies like you eat what I serve or else, or you must appreciate the time and effort and eat whatever's put in front of you out of respect (respect? really?) to whoever prepared it only works and is perhaps valid if you are feeding your own young children.
If you are cooking for adults, though, that's an entirely different scenario. Why should I expect (or demand) that they eat like I've chosen to? And better be damned grateful for it, too? Or eat whatever I want to eat? They're adults, for heaven's sake.
And I have always cooked healthy foods, even before I decided I needed to lose weight. A burger isn't heart-attack inducing, btw. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a well-prepared homemade burger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a McDonald's burger either! I focus on making meals that are balanced, delicious, and agenda-free. I just made a few minor changes to my serving to accommodate and facilitate my weight loss. I do not have the right to impose that on another adult unless they had indicated to me that they wished me to do so. I have no need or desire to be that controlling of other adults in my life and in my kitchen.4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »rugratz2015 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »Abusive relationships aside (because one person's abusive is another's normal) I lost 75 lbs last year by eating all of the things that I normally did - just less of them, and with a few small changes.
I'm the cook in the family, and there were 3 other adults besides myself that I had to take into consideration. Just because *I* decided to lose weight did not give me the high-horse right to completely change their diet, too, in an eat-what-I-make-or-starve mindset. That simply wouldn't have gone well, nor do I think it's right for me to just arbitrarily impose my diet on everyone else in the household.
At no stage did I state that anyone should 'starve' - no-one is going to 'starve' from missing one meal. You're not 'arbitrarily imposing your diet' on anyone - you're giving them healthy food.!!!
People (children & adults) need to appreciate the time and effort that has gone into preparing a meal and have the respect to eat it (food intolerances would be the exception).
The op is choosing to cook/prepare salad and or veg - they are cooking the protein themselves, (which is upsetting to the op) which the op thinks is unhealthy, I've stated that burgers and fish can be prepared in healthy way.
The op has stated that her family are asking her to cook fattening foods, I suggest that the op creates healthy versions - so they can all eat the same meal.
Whoever does the cooking has the control : If the op wants to cook 3/4 different meals because that's what people ask for - It's the ops choice.
Obviously the op has the choice to not prepare the healthy food for the family - but could you eat healthy food and watch your children eat heart attack burgers with a clear conscience?
Making the right (or wrong!) food choices is a lifestyle - that's why I'm here, 6 stone overweight, because I made the wrong choices because I didn't have someone who cared enough to say 'no, eat this, not that'.
In my mind - and in my household - strategies like you eat what I serve or else, or you must appreciate the time and effort and eat whatever's put in front of you out of respect (respect? really?) to whoever prepared it only works and is perhaps valid if you are feeding your own young children.
If you are cooking for adults, though, that's an entirely different scenario. Why should I expect (or demand) that they eat like I've chosen to? And better be damned grateful for it, too? Or eat whatever I want to eat? They're adults, for heaven's sake.
And I have always cooked healthy foods, even before I decided I needed to lose weight. A burger isn't heart-attack inducing, btw. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a well-prepared homemade burger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a McDonald's burger either! I focus on making meals that are balanced, delicious, and agenda-free. I just made a few minor changes to my serving to accommodate and facilitate my weight loss. I do not have the right to impose that on another adult unless they had indicated to me that they wished me to do so. I have no need or desire to be that controlling of other adults in my life and in my kitchen.
So much yes!!0 -
Thank you, all. My post was not about abuse. It's just about looking for encouragement from loved ones and not always getting it.
Sorry about opening this can of worms.
For those who sent pms or encouraging words... thank you.0 -
The spirit of this post really hits home for me. I'm not sure I have an answer, but I can certainly relate to parts of your situation. My amazing wife has never struggled with weight. We can eat the same thing - say a turkey sandwich - in either the same proportions and she's fine. In less than an hour I'm starving. Most carbs just end up making me hungry. One way or another, I've developed some insulin resistance over the years and a low carb existence just works for me. When I stick with pretty low carbs, I have a lot of success controlling my food intake. When I try to keep on moderate carbs I struggle. My discipline crumbles - and that lack of discipline is way out of the norm for the rest of my life.
So there's a lot of inadvertent sabotage when it comes to meal planning or prep. We try and work on that together, but inevitably she throws in a bunch of things that make it really difficult for me to eat right (pasta, potatoes, etc.). I don't think she's trying to sabotage my efforts, I just think she doesn't quite appreciate how hard it is for me to stay on my path _AND_ accommodate carbs. Then we end up eating different meals a lot of the time - which doesn't really make anyone happy.
We both want to be happy and healthy. I think we just have very different tolerances and margins of error within our nutritional limits. And that's where the inadvertent sabotage comes in.3 -
OP, did you discuss any of these changes with your husband and sons ahead of time, or did you just make changes and expect them to keep up?
I think a lot of people would be upset if their lives were previously "bacon burgers and sedentary family time," and one family member suddenly mandated "grilled chicken salads and dog walks." You may be coming at it from a perspective that says "look at all these positive healthy changes!", but they may be seeing that wife/mom suddenly changed everything and they didn't get to provide any input.
Plus, it sounds like your husband isn't preventing you from making any changes in your life. What he IS doing is maintaining his previous standard of living (by cooking his own meals separately). You two are both behaving in the exact same way...making changes (or refusing to make changes) without working together with the other person. You need to talk and figure out ways to compromise.1 -
I think what I'm hearing is you make something nice but because it's not what they are used to, your husband is insulting about your cooking and then makes something super tasty that is off the menu for you on your diet.
This is 2 problems: 1. Hubby being rude about your cooking (rightly upsetting) 2. Hubby's bad foods "sabotaging" your diet.
Problem 3: I'm hearing that the dog needs walking and you need walking, but they are feeling neglected because they are used to having more time with you.
For problem 1: you need to tell your hubby you feel upset when he insults your cooking, but compromising on meal plans will also help this and problem 2. Try doing the tasty foods but with a healthy twist for you - no reason you can't do a juicy burger and not have chips or the bun. If you want to try to get hubby/kids to start eating healthier, that's a bit more complicated.
For problem 3, maybe do a shorter walk 3 times a week and have some programmed family quality time. To meet the dog's needs on short walk days, brain games actually burn more energy than walking and are really good for the dog. Hide toys around the house, get an activity ball and feed the dog with that rather than the bowl, teach the dog tricks. You could even make it the family activity
TL;DR try to get your family on side by talking to them and compromising.1 -
That doesn't sound "well-meaning" at all...1
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This might help either a) for ideas for your dog or b) as a cute video to watch.
http://3milliondogs.com/dogbook/this-smart-mini-dachshund-plays-with-an-ifetch-machine/0 -
Oh, I say no to the temptations that they throw in my path. And every night I ask them to join me for my walk, and they say no, and then asked me to join them to play cards or watch TV with them. So I go for my walk with my dog. And I make lots of vegetables and salads at every meal, but they will prepare themselves burgers and cheese or fried fish to go with theirs.
My problem is that it hurts my feelings.
When anyone in my family tries something new I am always 100% supportive and encouraging. More than anything I just feel let down.
But screw 'em! When I'm healthy and fit it'll be due to me, and nobody else.
Have you thought about budgeting in some of your family's dinner favorites? I will save up calories from earlier in the day so I can eat dinner with family. Of course I weigh. My portions are not as big as theirs, and I don't go for seconds.
I found that my husband tended to tempt and sabotage at the beginning to test how solid my resolve was. I had a serious talk and asked hubby if he wanted me to stay overweight. He said, "No" so that gave me an opening to tell him that I planned to stick with the program. Once he realized it was for real he decided to get on board and lose weight too! I rarely have troubles with sabotage, plus he has lost weight and is happy with that.1 -
Are your boys into Pokemon Go? Perhaps they would join you on your walks if it included a few Pokestops.
It sounds like hubby is fond of flavourful meals with higher fat, and is a pretty decent cook, too. On nights he wants the fatty burger, could you get him to cut yours in half and put the second half away? You can eat yours with the salad.
I'm trying to find ways for your family to find some middle ground. Maybe they don't join you every night for the walk. But once in a while, surely?
That being said if I had waited for my hubby to join me in my exercise goals I would have literally been waiting years. I learned his not stopping me was in itself a kind of support. I don't feel bad any more about heading out on an activity he has no interest in. Part of this is our widely different preferences. I think it is fun to get sweaty, dirty, or covered in goo. He prefers a pristine indoor gym.4 -
I think that if you "give in" now and then, you will continue to be offered, and as long as you see the food you "give in to" as gorgeous and delicious, as opposed to the "healthy" food ("rabbit food") you are eating, you signal that you want to be "sabotaged".2
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One thing I've noticed about a lot of these "sabotage" threads, is that they all seem to revolve around a lack of empathy.
Think of it this way. Your hubby likes burgers and does not like salads. Your kids enjoy spending time with you in front of the tv, or just hanging out. Because *you* want to lose weight, you try to force them to eat food you want and they don't like, and you stop hanging out with them unless they do it on your terms.
Of course hubby is upset when you try to force him to change his diet. Of course your kids are upset when you stop spending time with them. Wouldn't you be pissed off if someone simultaneously forced you to change your diet and stopped spending time with you doing the things you like?
Same with the fabled co-worker "sabotage". Why should people stop buying donuts/cakes/ going for pub lunches because one person in the group is trying to lose weight?
It's not sabotage, it's not really even lack of support, it's not allowing someone else's choices to affect how you live your life.
True support is working with you to make sure you can still get what you need, without impacting too much on your family and loved ones. You can make healthier versions of your family's favourite meals, find activities the kids like that are active so you can spend time together and get fit, go to the pub with co-workers but order the healthiest option and building it into your calories. They can offer moral support - help you find recipes for the meals, help find activities to do together (although with teenagers maybe don't expect too much ), and co-workers give encouragement to make the "right" menu choices, and every now and again go to a different pub with lots of healthy food.
Don't be a born-again gym bunny clean eater and try to force your new lifestyle on others. It's not going to end well.
/rant over6 -
So much judgement in here.
OP, I'm sorry that it seems you're in a crappy situation. Do what you need to do to take care of you and your sons. I've been there, done that, and I have the crappy t-shirt (and the signed divorce papers too).
I would say, on the food topic, maybe you can come to some agreement where on the night that you want chicken and salad, maybe make another side for him and your sons so you're all eating some variation of the same meal? I used to do that when I was married - make some sort of protein, a vegetable, and a starch and they could eat whatever they liked, but I would eat the protein and the vegetable and make a salad to go with it. What seems to work at my house is that my kids all know how to cook, so they make their dinners most nights and I make my dinner, and we eat at the same time. They all know that if they want junk food like chips or cookies, they should either have them somewhere other than at home, or they should keep it out of my sight. They all have a cabinet in the kitchen where they keep their stash and I just don't go in there. When I take the dog for a walk - they're welcome to join me, but if not, I'll see them (and spend some time with them) when I get back. And if they complain, well, I'm sorry you don't like it.
The suggestion for Pokemon Go was a good one too, if it's workable.2 -
What are your stats OP?
A few years ago I had the same issue... Family trying to feed me all the time telling me to stop exercising so much told me I was being ridiculous as I didn't need to lose weight
Turns out they were right and I developed an eating disorder and poor health
Are you positive there not just looking out for you??1
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