Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym
mysteps2beauty
Posts: 493 Member
As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
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Replies
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On average though, women live longer than men.11
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We're expected to drop everything and take care of those we love. Having been raised that way, witnessing the majority of women in my life doing just that, I find myself doing the same - which I don't find matches what I want. Giving so much of yourself to care for others, you can easily lose yourself.
It's not major things either, just daily stuff. My favourite post on Facebook was from a friend of mine, it described how a husband goes to bed and how a wife goes to bed - it was eerily on point for me.8 -
Wow! So to sum up ... MFP forums teach us that women are great at sacrificing themselves for their families ... but bad at choosing men?29
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Here's'the deal.....every situation is different, and family dynamics fall into place influenced by our family background, life experiences, and our coping mechanisms. The reality is that most women, especially with little kiddos, on average, feel stretched, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Many families are struggling with not much financial, emotional, or physical support, and that can take its toll for any individual feeling the pressure of just daily responsibilities with kids. Many don't have present family members or friends or extra funds to provide the respite needed for the demands of motherhood. I'm certainly not going to place another burden on the mother and tell her that somehow it's her fault because she's not putting herself first, no, no, no.....most moms are doing the best they can with their own circumstances, and it does take its toll on our bodies, minds, and energy, and we come up short for ourselves. So we need each other, for understanding, support, love, kindness, help, solutions, experience, ideas, and also laughs. There is a brand new moms MFP support group to help support and encourage moms to love themselves through this cultural norm of excess demands for the indiviual mother.9
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Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?2
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Everyones situation is different but marriage should be a partnership. I can't imagine a husband not wanting to go home to his family after work. Is the husband a selfish a hole or does the wife b*tch and complain and not make him want to be home? Something's not right. There should be mutual respect and not one partner should feel like they are doing so much sacrificing.1
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?
Yes.6 -
MsAmandaNJ wrote: »We're expected to drop everything and take care of those we love. Having been raised that way, witnessing the majority of women in my life doing just that, I find myself doing the same - which I don't find matches what I want. Giving so much of yourself to care for others, you can easily lose yourself.
It's not major things either, just daily stuff. My favourite post on Facebook was from a friend of mine, it described how a husband goes to bed and how a wife goes to bed - it was eerily on point for me.
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So true. Marriage and family results in losing our sense of "self". At least it did for me. I had lots of hopes and interests but was and still am confined by obligations and expectations. This is when I started gaining weight. It's amusing to me when I read posts of guys getting into the gym at 6am or after work or evenings. Sorry but there is an expectation that that is their right. If I had said I was going to the gym after work and husband could pick up kids and go home and make supper, wouldn't that have been awesome!! Mysteps2bea you speak of sentiments that I have also been reflecting on, as my kids are now older.3
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So very true, I think I would like to go to a gym on the way home but my obligations are too important. Yes I do put myself last in so many ways.0
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A friend of mine just found out that when her husband says his going to the gym he actually meant he's going round to his co worker's house for sex as he has been for the last 6 months leaving her holding the baby!!!3
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pmastro724 wrote: »There should be mutual respect and not one partner should feel like they are doing so much sacrificing.
i think most nations' government stats still show a wide discrepancy on who puts in more hours in 'the home'. but people's perceptions of their own contribution aren't terribly close to that reality. so from what i've seen it's quite common for the guys to think they are showing respect, either because they're intentionally blanking the imbalance, or they're unable to see it without having walked in those shoes. in other words, many men take a lot for granted and react very badly to the evidence of their own selfishness.
i work among high proportions of men. not exclusively, but most of the time women are the minority group in my teams. so i get to observe quite a bit of men in at least one aspect of their natural habitat. it constantly boggles me how much they do take for granted. these aren't ignorant slobs. they're very educated, very intelligent, very middle-class or professional metrosexual types. their manners are beautiful. ask any of them and they would sincerely believe that they pull their weight and their partnerships are 'equal'. but they still live in a world of magical housework elves, most of them. it's the men, every time, who think enlightenment means you carry your coffee mug to the sink instead of leaving it on the lunchroom counter. that's such an indicative little behaviour to me. it makes me ballistic, personally
probably why i've spent only a handful of my adult life living with anyone else.
from what i've seen, selfishness is one of the big friction points in a lot of marriages. it can be called various other things, or inflated to look like a 'wider' issue, but what i hear women talking about more than anything else is just that. simple, entitled selfishness. i don't think their partners realise how alienating it is.
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
Because whether biologically or culturally we have been given a certain set of skill sets that predispose us to better handle the responsibilities of family better than a lot of men.
Example: it never occured to my husband that eating a variety of food is good for one's overall health. He wanted to eat PBJ sandwiches all the time when we first got married because they were so inexpensive. Me on the otherhand... I am constantly monitoring the overall diet of my family
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If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
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I have found that when I am uncomfortable in my life, it's time for me to look within.
The people in my life are just doing a routine of what was acceptable to me at one point. But life changes, we change, they change, and that's OK.
When we have the courage, intelligence, and patience to take the time and effort to honestly look within and then take the actions to shift our sails into the direction which is healthiest, it opens a door to an entire new and workable freedom to our lives.
That may mean asking yourself why questions: for example: ..why do I expect less from my spouse? What were my parent's marriage history and how has that affected my perspective? What can I do to set healthy boundaries and ask for what I need? Why may this be difficult for me? What steps can I take to change a situation I'm unhappy with without expecting the other person to do what I want them to do? That may mean making some difficult decisions. I've learned the arduous and messy way that I am responsible for my happiness, fulfillment, and for my life, no one else.
The answer lies not in attempting to change the other person, but in changing ourselves, our direction, and the dance.6 -
I have a three month old. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. So does my wife who provides 90% of the care while she is on leave. She asks if I can watch him while she goes and I watch him (or her Mom does if she wants to go earlier in the day).
Unless the husband is refusing to raise the child, please stop using others as an excuse.
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Everyone is influenced by their different experiences and are in different places and levels of consciousness within their lives. Kindness and gentle examples create more change than blaming others for being where they are for whatever reason.
I don't think people intentionally use others for an excuse, especially when moms feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and overworked. Most times, they feel they have no other option, and like noted in a couple of threads, although our culture is moving forward, gender inequality lives rampant and unconscious in our culture, and our country, US, is definitely not mother friendly.
So let's attempt to understand others, be kind, and create change within ourselves so we can continue to create cultural change for the better of ourselves, our children, and for our country.4 -
If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
Agreed.
I will add that, barring a TBI-type injury/illness, personalities generally do not change after marriage. If you have an extremely short courtship you may overlook negative characteristics because you have tiny hearts clouding your vision. Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other. I see way too many people of both sexes ignore personality issues in people the date, get married, and then spend a lot of time complaining about those exact issues.3 -
I will never understand why caring for children means sacrificing your own health. I found weight control and activity both much easier when I had kids at home. In fact, I was never overweight until all the kids left home. When they were here there was always something going on and very little time to just sit around. Sure I never went to the gym, but we were active. I never thought about who I was putting first, them or me. We just lived our lives.1
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
I must be a man.4 -
If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
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canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.6 -
Holy over-generalizations, Batman!7
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?
No, not necessarily. But if she asked him to come home right after work so she could go out for a few hours a grab a beer with her friends and he doesn't come home anyway? Then yes, the marriage and communication needs some work. I'm a wife, mother of two young girls, and I work full time. My husband and I worked out a gym schedule so that we could both go (yes, I get one more day at the gym than him because I'm selfish). But I had to bring it up as an issue and we had to work it out.
ETA: so not everybody jumps on my calling myself "selfish," that was tongue-in-cheek, which doesn't come across well in writing.1 -
If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
Dear God I love this! Be direct in communication.
My wife and I struggled through this for years and it got worse after having kids. She is a highly educated, physically fit, and independent woman, but struggled with this for years as she could not say no and would constantly sacrifice everything to keep up appearances - girl scouts, bake sales, school fundraisers, etc.
Take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others. This isn't selfish, its logic. Your cup has have something in it before you can pour it into another.4 -
mumbles2013 wrote: »A friend of mine just found out that when her husband says his going to the gym he actually meant he's going round to his co worker's house for sex as he has been for the last 6 months leaving her holding the baby!!!
Well, he IS getting a workout...
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If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
But that's the point....the male partners I'm referencing DON'T ask, they just tell their partner what they are gonna do, or don't even bother doing that. I don't mind asking, or even telling, but then nag or a the "b" word gets mentioned.... 2 -
I have a three month old. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. So does my wife who provides 90% of the care while she is on leave. She asks if I can watch him while she goes and I watch him (or her Mom does if she wants to go earlier in the day).
Unless the husband is refusing to raise the child, please stop using others as an excuse.
I think your statement about her asking you to watch the baby is really reinforcing the OP's point. For the majority of women, the child is their primary responsibility and they have to ask the spouse to "watch" the child when they want to do something. Not trying to pick a fight here, I'm genuinely curious. If you want to do something, do you have to ask your wife to watch the baby before you can do it? Or can you just do it?10 -
canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
But that's the point....the male partners I'm referencing DON'T ask, they just tell their partner what they are gonna do, or don't even bother doing that. I don't mind asking, or even telling, but then nag or a the "b" word gets mentioned....
So don't nag. Just do. When he's home simply say "I'm going to the gym" hop in the car and go. Don't give him a chance to complain.4
This discussion has been closed.
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