Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym

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  • tahxirez
    tahxirez Posts: 270 Member


    This is one of those situations where men think "I can't read your mind" and a woman thinks "well isn't it obvious" I think this is where a lot of miscommunication comes in. My boyfriend gets seasonally laid off so he is home all day quite literally doing nothing. Meanwhile I work a 40+ hour a week job and a part time job as a waitress. When I come home I still do the vacuuming, cooking, dog walking etc. I don't like to ask people to do things. Either do them or don't I'm not going to hold your hand. Clearly this frustrates me to no end. There should be no asking in my opinion, it is not "my" responsibility you have taken over. You did not take out the garbage "for me", you took out the damn garbage... I have to check myself because I don't think he's doing these things maliciously, I think his brain is just wired to go this is all fine (his brain really likes piles of dog hair it seems.) Or he's being passive aggressive...I'm too busy to address that :)
  • singingflutelady
    singingflutelady Posts: 8,736 Member
    I just think it's funny how at my gym the majority of fitness classes are mostly young mothers. I guess there must be some nice men out there ;)
  • deluxmary2000
    deluxmary2000 Posts: 981 Member
    If I were a man, I would be disgusted by the generalizations in this thread. I'm disgusted FOR men.

    My husband and I both work. We worked out a schedule where I go to the gym in the morning (he gets kids to school) and he workouts at night (I get kids from school). But the key is that we worked this out by sitting down and talking about it. You know... like equals. Crazy.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.

    Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.

    Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?

    My husband and I made choices together for our family. We split our responsibilities in the way that makes sense to us. Sometimes things don't look fair to others and sometimes women don't speak up.
    I was once reamed by a man because my dh was working 2 jobs while I was a SAHP. He painted me as lazy and greedy based on his baggage. The full story that that guy didn't have is dh wanted to go on a 4 day trip with his friends. To afford the trip that solely benefitted him he took on a part time weekend job. On the other side you might see that he got a fun trip and I didn't. Was I selfish or was he? Or did we work out something between us? Should people keep their baggage out of other people's relationships and be less judgey?
    I'm a person who speaks up for what I want in my relationship. I know women who don't say what they want. They do put themselves last and feel unhappy. It isn't that their husband or kids would be opposed to them doing something for themselves. They just never say I'm going to do xyz so you need to be here. They never say you want to go to the gym but so do I how can we resolve this. I do think they can work on that communication and it is important.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,474 Member
    in for popcorn.... and whiskey... or wine. or both.
  • Running_and_Coffee
    Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
    I run before dawn or take 5 am classes so I can get home, give everyone breakfast and get my 3 kids out the door, then go to work. My husband works out after work, gets home, then after everyone's eaten dinner and the dishes are done and lunches are packed, I climb into my comfy PJs and go to sleep early and he puts them to bed. Teamwork!! I decided a long time ago that I am not going to miss a workout unless I'm violently ill, and I make it as much a priority as I do feeding my family.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    deluxmary2000 wrote: »
    If I were a man, I would be disgusted by the generalizations in this thread. I'm disgusted FOR men.

    ALL of this!
  • cosmonew
    cosmonew Posts: 513 Member
    You answered your own comment when you used the word EXCUSE!!!! I do what I really want when I want to do it 95% of the time, right now that includes taking care of my health through diet and exercise.
  • tahxirez
    tahxirez Posts: 270 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    tahxirez wrote: »

    This is one of those situations where men think "I can't read your mind" and a woman thinks "well isn't it obvious" I think this is where a lot of miscommunication comes in. My boyfriend gets seasonally laid off so he is home all day quite literally doing nothing. Meanwhile I work a 40+ hour a week job and a part time job as a waitress. When I come home I still do the vacuuming, cooking, dog walking etc. I don't like to ask people to do things. Either do them or don't I'm not going to hold your hand. Clearly this frustrates me to no end. There should be no asking in my opinion, it is not "my" responsibility you have taken over. You did not take out the garbage "for me", you took out the damn garbage... I have to check myself because I don't think he's doing these things maliciously, I think his brain is just wired to go this is all fine (his brain really likes piles of dog hair it seems.) Or he's being passive aggressive...I'm too busy to address that :)

    Oh geez, just talk to him about this stuff! You're 29 years old. It doesn't make sense to spend the next 60 years of your life frustrated. Chances are he doesn't see this stuff or think about it. I never think about stuff like edging the sidewalk or washing the car (unless it is seriously filthy) or vacuuming or a myriad of other things because he always does them. Similarly, he doesn't think about making a grocery list or clipping dog toenails or cutting down the garden at the end of the summer because I always do that stuff. That's not being passive aggressive. That's just us being used to each of us doing certain things and continuing to do them. If we one of us needs help with these things, though, we absolutely ask the other person for help. Stewing about your boyfriend not thinking to do XYZ but refusing to communicate about it because you're too busy or don't like to ask people to do things makes no sense and is a horrible way to manage a partnership.

    It was meant as more of a self deprecating aside rather than a cry for help. Apologies if that is the message you read. My real message was that first sentence which you reiterated in your reply. Basically that there are certain tasks that I may see as obvious that he doesn't think about at all. I am in no means "Stewing." Rather just voicing an experience.
  • HappyAnna2014
    HappyAnna2014 Posts: 214 Member
    ryry_ wrote: »
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    ryry_ wrote: »
    canadianlbs wrote: »
    lauracups wrote: »
    If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.

    i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.

    so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.
    Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.

    i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.

    i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.

    The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.

    -- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
    -- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
    -- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner

    Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.

    So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....

    Assuming it is a single mom or a mom with a complete deadbeat husband, yes, working moms can and many do still take care of themselves.

    I was a single mother. I did all that. And I volunteered with the Boy Scout troop my son was in and taught Sunday School at the church we attend. And now that my son is in college, close to graduation, I miss doing it. I wasn't a SuperMom by any means, but I loved being a mother. <3
  • shannanicole77
    shannanicole77 Posts: 13 Member


    I can see the general point you are trying to make with this post, but as a couple of replies have already pointed out - every situation is different.

    I'm a working mother (40+ hours outside of the home), a budding entrepreneur and living with my fiancee. We are a blended family with a variety of schedules. I get up at 4:25 am to work out before getting the kids fed, off to child care and start my work day at 8. I have an hour long lunch that I use to squeeze in 30 min cardio sessions when needed. If I want to workout after I get home I try to have a meal prepped that my guy can quickly fix and we can all eat together as a family. Am I exhausted some days? Yes, 5 out of 7. But I am in charge of reaching my goals, just me. Does it always work out perfectly? Absolutely not. But you have to keep working at it, get creative sometimes.

    I hate the thought of taking my four year old to child care at the gym after being at an all day pre schoool just so I can take a spinning class at 6 pm on a Tuesday. But maybe that is a night I ask her Aunt to pick her up so she gets spoiled for a couple of hours. My point being, there are solutions to any problem.

    It's about finding balance and asking for help, something that I'm here at MFP to continue to work on. Best wishes to you on your journey!
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