Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym

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  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,874 Member
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    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    feisty_bucket wrote: »
    If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?

    That's just it....the parents (mom and dad) are to sacrifice for their family. Just an observation that what each parent thinks sacrifice is....for instance, some men seem to think taking care of their kid(s) is babysitting...

    Really????

    I would wager that most men don't really think of watching their kids as babysitting...I mean, I've said it...but ya know, there's these things called jokes.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    feisty_bucket wrote: »
    If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?

    That's just it....the parents (mom and dad) are to sacrifice for their family. Just an observation that what each parent thinks sacrifice is....for instance, some men seem to think taking care of their kid(s) is babysitting...

    Really????

    I would wager that most men don't really think of watching their kids as babysitting...I mean, I've said it...but ya know, there's these things called jokes.

    Exactly, and as soon as his source of food isn't coming from her nipple, I don't think it would even be fair to say her responsibility is weighted at all.
  • n1terunner
    n1terunner Posts: 76 Member
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    This might be a Men from Mars, Women from Venus issue (read the book on how he sexes communicate differently and then not at all once the resentment builds). I'm guessing your friends are venting to you about their problems, probably issues they need to communicate with their husbands to some degree, or just burning off steam which sometimes things are said that aren't meant to be heard by the sig. other...venting.
  • LiftingLisa
    LiftingLisa Posts: 12,345 Member
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    ryry_ wrote: »
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    ryry_ wrote: »
    canadianlbs wrote: »
    lauracups wrote: »
    If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.

    So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....

    Assuming it is a single mom or a mom with a complete deadbeat husband, yes, working moms can and many do still take care of themselves.

    My husband works out of town nine months out of the year. I work full time, go to the gym, take online classes for my BA and also tend all of the household duties and manage to get my son to all of his activities. So, I agree, there are many women who do it and even if said husband was home, most of the burden still falls on me. But, if there is something I want to do, I find a way to do it. I agree that most women are self sacrificing because of the way we were raised and just how we are programmed, but at some point, you have to do things to make yourself happy and take time for yourself. You can't give anything away, if you have nothing inside to give.
  • PhedraJD
    PhedraJD Posts: 1,392 Member
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    In general (Yes stereotype) women are naturally caregivers. Most women were raised in families/homes where the mom was the primary caregiver, queen of the house. So women see that this is how we are supposed to be as moms, we see all the television shows, and movies where there are perfect moms and we are always comparing ourselves to other women.

    When we first have a child, the mother usually gets more time off of work, is breast feeding and generally has more experience taking care of small children. So with these factors, the woman starts out as the primary caregiver and once that happens it is hard to transition into letting/having someone else help. Also, most women are exhausted from this, there is no extra time to take care of yourself. When you do find some down time, usually you are jumping at the chance to sleep.

    Here is the thing though, a lot of people use family as an excuse to not take care of themselves.
    Deep down and or maybe not so deep down, we have come to think we aren't worth it, we feel guilty for being less than a perfect mom, wife, girlfriend, friend. Some of us are fortunate to have a supportive and understanding partner, some of us not so much.

    However, if we want it, we can make it happen. You can find a way to change your calorie intake, you can add in activities that get you moving that include your kids, you can ask for help watching the kids, taking care of the kids. You have to decide you are worth the sacrifices, you need to realize you can't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself first. Stop making excuses, and find ways around the obstacles standing in your way.
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
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    I'm remarried now, but was a single mom for years. A lot of my extra time was taken up with my daughter's activities, household chores, yard work, homework, bath time, etc.
    That was difficult for me to balance because I'm not great at getting up early to workout at home, and I was exhausted when I finally finished for the night. Now that I'm remarried, I go to the gym at 4:45am so that I can be back before my husband has to leave for work at 6:30. Even on weekends or evenings if I say I'm going somewhere, he has absolutely no problem. He's super supportive and is willing to watch the little one, even though she's not his biological child.
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,970 Member
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    canadianlbs wrote: »
    i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.

    That's a good argument for waiting more than 2 or 3 weeks to marry someone. If you've lived together for months or years, you can really make an informed decision. Sadly, a lot of people have religious hang ups about living together before marriage.
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,970 Member
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    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    But I'm not married, nor in a relationship...thank goodness...just an observation of the people around me, but thanks, I am feeling kind of gripey...goes with the territory...glad you are doing very well for yourself....not everybody is as lucky as you two (and your profile suggests you don't have any kids either.)

    You noticed that her seeming lack of children might be connected to her doing well. Maybe the fact that she doesn't have children isn't just dumb luck.

    A good relationship definitely isn't just luck, whether kids are involved or not.
  • mysteps2beauty
    mysteps2beauty Posts: 494 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    feisty_bucket wrote: »
    If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?

    That's just it....the parents (mom and dad) are to sacrifice for their family. Just an observation that what each parent thinks sacrifice is....for instance, some men seem to think taking care of their kid(s) is babysitting...

    Now you're finally using "some" but your OP was phrased as if this is a universal issue when it isn't.

    I don't know. I cannot commiserate with a woman who chose to partner up with somebody who doesn't pull his share when it comes to taking care of the house or kids or anything else. The idea that this stuff is all hidden when dating because the person puts their best face forward is utter bs. Grow up and pay attention to who you are marrying, people. Have conversations about this kind of thing to be sure you are on the same page.

    Yeah, that's why the divorce attorneys are getting rich courts are running overtime...

    TBH, nobody knows what it's like to have a kid until they do. It's a life changing event, and some folks (men and women) just want out, so some don't come home, they spend a lot of time "at work" or "at the gym."
  • mysteps2beauty
    mysteps2beauty Posts: 494 Member
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    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    Meh...my wife and I split time. I'm at home in the evenings on Mondays and Wednesdays with the kids...I get them fed and bathed and I cook our dinner while she is at the gym. She gets home and gives them a story and tucks them in. We swap out Tuesdays and Thursdays when I go to the gym...she usually runs on her lunch breaks at work and I cycle...she usually does a long run on Saturday and I do a long ride on Sunday...we've worked out a schedule...we know lots of couples who somehow manage to take care of their families and their health and fitness...I'd say most of our peers...I don't know who you are observing exactly.

    I don't know a single one of my peers who would just stop off and have a beer without communicating this...same for going to the gym or whatever...again, I don't know who the heck you are observing but I don't think it's very representative of real life, healthy and happy couples.

    There are many of course, good relationships to be had. Must be the locale I'm in. :wink:
  • mysteps2beauty
    mysteps2beauty Posts: 494 Member
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    ryry_ wrote: »
    yayamom3 wrote: »
    ryry_ wrote: »
    I have a three month old. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. So does my wife who provides 90% of the care while she is on leave. She asks if I can watch him while she goes and I watch him (or her Mom does if she wants to go earlier in the day).

    Unless the husband is refusing to raise the child, please stop using others as an excuse.

    I think your statement about her asking you to watch the baby is really reinforcing the OP's point. For the majority of women, the child is their primary responsibility and they have to ask the spouse to "watch" the child when they want to do something. Not trying to pick a fight here, I'm genuinely curious. If you want to do something, do you have to ask your wife to watch the baby before you can do it? Or can you just do it?

    Neither of us has to really 'ask' in the literal sense. We worked out a schedule. On my workout days I go workout. On her days, I come home after work and she goes to workout and I watch him.

    Do I have a greater freedom to do things in general like go out to the grocery store where it is just assumed she will watch the baby. Yes, I think thats true but in a practical sense. She is breastfeeding and wants to keep bottle feeding to a minimum so it doesn't really make sense for her not too.

    Do I just head out to the bar and tell her to not wait up and have fun with the baby. No, that would just make me inconsiderate.

    None of these things are preventative from taking care of oneself.

    Absolutely, when you think your needs are important, then you assert yourself. Breast feeding babies do need their moms more in the beginning, but when the kids get to be the school age ones, things get a bit hectic in the household...especially if you have more than two...
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    Meh...my wife and I split time. I'm at home in the evenings on Mondays and Wednesdays with the kids...I get them fed and bathed and I cook our dinner while she is at the gym. She gets home and gives them a story and tucks them in. We swap out Tuesdays and Thursdays when I go to the gym...she usually runs on her lunch breaks at work and I cycle...she usually does a long run on Saturday and I do a long ride on Sunday...we've worked out a schedule...we know lots of couples who somehow manage to take care of their families and their health and fitness...I'd say most of our peers...I don't know who you are observing exactly.

    I don't know a single one of my peers who would just stop off and have a beer without communicating this...same for going to the gym or whatever...again, I don't know who the heck you are observing but I don't think it's very representative of real life, healthy and happy couples.

    There are many of course, good relationships to be had. Must be the locale I'm in. :wink:

    I think that there is a lot of truth to the comment upthread that people with healthy relationships aren't online complaining about them. That also translates into people not necessarily bragging/talking them up in person either, which makes it easy to start mostly seeing bad relationships.
  • Gracedtimes2
    Gracedtimes2 Posts: 38 Member
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    Wow. Amusing to read over and over that so many people think they have all the answers for others because they think they have the answers for themselves. News alert: that's not the way people or the world works my friends.

    When using social media and other means, speaking from a place of understanding, kindness, compassion and a genuine intention to listen and help rather than pointing fingers, blaming, over-generalizing, and reacting ignorantly and immaturely will do wonders.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    Gracedx2 wrote: »
    Wow. Amusing to read over and over that so many people think they have all the answers for others because they think they have the answers for themselves. News alert: that's not the way people or the world works my friends.

    When using social media and other means, speaking from a place of understanding, kindness, compassion and a genuine intention to listen and help rather than pointing fingers, blaming, over-generalizing, and reacting ignorantly and immaturely will do wonders.

    I'm not sure what exactly you are referring to but this conversation has been fairly tame.
  • Gracedtimes2
    Gracedtimes2 Posts: 38 Member
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    I think you're reply just made my point jemhh........
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    NorthCascades wrote: »
    canadianlbs wrote: »
    i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.

    That's a good argument for waiting more than 2 or 3 weeks to marry someone. If you've lived together for months or years, you can really make an informed decision. Sadly, a lot of people have religious hang ups about living together before marriage.

    "Long engagements make for long lasting marriages." Some of the best words of wisdom my Dad passed down.

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