Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym
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It's best to just assume that one or both people will workout every night. If someone's partner isn't supportive then that's a huge red flag. Anyone who isn't supportive needs to be called out in it. It's worth a fight. You can't put off getting in shape or let yourself go just because you spouse doesn't want to watch your child on their own for a few hours every week.2
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"Long engagements make for long lasting marriages." Some of the best words of wisdom my Dad passed down.
My Dad told me that too. He also said "Arguing with a woman is like teaching a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig," also, "No matter what the issue is NEVER surrender the marriage bed, if she wants to sleep on the couch that is her choice." Mom and Dad were celebrated their 48th anniversary 2 weeks before she died, so it must work.
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My recent ex never watched our baby. I'd ask him to as if he were a babysitter and I'd still get excuses. He went to the gym almost everyday without asking and when he couldn't he would have the worst attitude. There I was, gaining weight and caring for 3 kids with no help or support from him. Resentment grew and well, he's an ex and now I have no money. I take care of those kids and spend 30 hours a week on job search. I don't know how people can workout from home.3
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our cre
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
As a man that works really hard at my job, the gym, raising my kids, and making sure my wife gets time to herself - this post bothers me. Women don't commit to family at the expense of themselves; some women do. Men don't ignore their wives' need for time for themselves; some men do. As said before, people in relationships need to communicate about what they want to do and work out a schedule. I'm pretty sure there are some men out there that don't get time to themselves because their wives are too focused on themselves. It sucks for them, too. I guess I don't like being painted with the same brush as crappy husbands. Strikes a nerve because I make a strong effort not to be one. It's 2016 now, we can probably move past stereotypes.
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What did you think was going to happen when you had kids lol?2
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our cre
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
As a man that works really hard at my job, the gym, raising my kids, and making sure my wife gets time to herself - this post bothers me. Women don't commit to family at the expense of themselves; some women do. Men don't ignore their wives' need for time for themselves; some men do. As said before, people in relationships need to communicate about what they want to do and work out a schedule. I'm pretty sure there are some men out there that don't get time to themselves because their wives are too focused on themselves. It sucks for them, too. I guess I don't like being painted with the same brush as crappy husbands. Strikes a nerve because I make a strong effort not to be one. It's 2016 now, we can probably move past stereotypes.
Preach brother!!3 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
I have no idea why women do this.. I am on the fence...
I am a woman 48 with twin girls, started college this year and I have had no issues with this.. I just started taking care of myself 3 years ago.. My husband is far far away from being crappy. It was my choice all along..2 -
Wow this has been an eye-opening thread!
For myself, I totally agree with the OP. Both of my kids are now in HS so FINALLY I have the time & energy to get up early (as in 5am) and start the day with a workout. Yes I probably could have done this sooner, maybe 5 years ago. But NO WAY could I have done this 10 years ago when my kids were still demanding and needy, needy, needy as in Mom? Mom? MOM! And once in the habit of seeing to the kids' needs first its a hard thing to break. I needed a health scare to break that for me, and even though my youngest at 15 is perfectly capable of getting herself breakfast, the first few weeks of saying "No, you have to wait x minutes before I'm off the treadmill" weren't easy for me. Now of course our whole family is much healthier as a result - I'm more energized and healthier/happier and not only was it good modeling for my girls who may be mothers themselves some day, but its also given them an opportunity to take on more responsibility around the house.
But you people dissing moms of young kids who are too overwhelmed and stressed to workout, telling them to stop whining and using the kids as an excuse, seriously GET OVER YOURSELVES. Parenting is hard, *kitten* (at times) work and sorry but you dont always get to put yourself first, whether you have a helpful partner or not.9 -
This is why I have no intention of getting married or having children.
Nah, I'm married to the barbells at the gym.
We have romantic, touchy feely time every day, and nobody ever complains about anything...
They also make me look good in front of other people, they comfort all my sorrows, they deal with my anger, they give me happy hormones... What else could you want from the 'perfect partner'
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?
wow. what a grossly inappropriate categorization of men. why do people unhappy with their life/spouse/whatever have to suggest that because something is true or has been true for them, an entire sector of humanity is all the same.
when my son was born, i stopped every hobby/extra curricular activity i was doing to be a part of my son's life and to help my spouse. I still make choices to keep family the priority.
don't say "men" are like this, because most certainly all men are exactly NOT like your categorization.6 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »TBH, nobody knows what it's like to have a kid until they do. It's a life changing event, and some folks (men and women) just want out, so some don't come home, they spend a lot of time "at work" or "at the gym."
Sure, but then some people have drug or gambling problems, some people kill other people, etc. I try not to get too involved with people who are bad for me.I think that there is a lot of truth to the comment upthread that people with healthy relationships aren't online complaining about them. That also translates into people not necessarily bragging/talking them up in person either, which makes it easy to start mostly seeing bad relationships.
On the other end of the spectrum from what people are talking about in this thread:
Fatalities at Mt. Rainier National Park
EB 6/11/2008 Muir Snowfiled - Became disoriented in a storm. Made a snow shelter. He became hypothermic and died while shielding his wife from the elements.
FB 3/19/2007 Ipsut Creek - Fell into creek while crossing on log
RB 3/19/2007 Ipsut Creek - Jumped into Creek to save wife
People sometimes choose to die for their love. Of course there are great relationships!1 -
While it might be true that some women sacrifice themselves for their family there are a lot of others that are living off their husband's hard work. I don't think this is a gender issue but a person issue. My ex-wife sure liked to ride my coattails.0
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.
Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.
Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?
Men still haven't been socialized this way. This sort of behavior is usually not done with any ill-intention. They just don't "see" the responsibility as "theirs" in the way a woman typically does.
But women are also still socialized to just stand there and stew. And that's not right, either.
It is up to women to speak up and say, "Yes, go ahead. You can watch Hunter when I go to my Zumba class at 2. Does that work for you?" Or, "Let's sit down and figure out how we can both get time at the gym, and make sure Kaylee has time with us too." Or "No! This is not a good time!"1 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »mysteps2beauty wrote: »Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?
wow. what a grossly inappropriate categorization of men. why do people unhappy with their life/spouse/whatever have to suggest that because something is true or has been true for them, an entire sector of humanity is all the same.
when my son was born, i stopped every hobby/extra curricular activity i was doing to be a part of my son's life and to help my spouse. I still make choices to keep family the priority.
don't say "men" are like this, because most certainly all men are exactly NOT like your categorization.
I am not in a relationship. Just an observation of couples who have children. And yes, perhaps a mischaracterization of SOME men, still it's generally expected that SOME men are like this, less so of a FEW women.0 -
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My recent ex never watched our baby. I'd ask him to as if he were a babysitter and I'd still get excuses. He went to the gym almost everyday without asking and when he couldn't he would have the worst attitude. There I was, gaining weight and caring for 3 kids with no help or support from him. Resentment grew and well, he's an ex and now I have no money. I take care of those kids and spend 30 hours a week on job search. I don't know how people can workout from home.
I hope you have a good village of helpers around.0 -
I think that there is a lot of truth to the comment upthread that people with healthy relationships aren't online complaining about them. That also translates into people not necessarily bragging/talking them up in person either, which makes it easy to start mostly seeing bad relationships.
Even healthy relationships can probably look like bad relationships sometimes too.
People looking at my life from outside would probably think my DH is less-than-ideal - sounds like the negative tales above. He works erratic hours (self-employed) and sometimes randomly goes for a drink after work. He has a couple of sport nights a week, and I have none. I do most of the housework/cooking/gardening. I juggle the childcare & most of the kids activites, and make sure they are fed and in bed on time. I don't go to the gym.
But just because we don't split everything 50:50, it doesn't mean we don't have a partnership going on, or that my DH is a bad husband.
We have made our choices together, and we each have our strengths and preferences.
He actually does loads of activities with the kids, especially as they are getting older, although I do fill in sometimes if his work gets in the way - we are a team.
For exercise, I prefer walking/hiking and some resistance training at home - I fit that in around school hours, or go with the kids/family.
I might still occasionally complain about him never folding the washing though....
And he drives me up the wall sometimes, as I'm sure I do him. We're far from perfect, but we cruise along quite happily in general.
It seems like you are SAHM. No shame in doing what you need to do on your side of the marriage. I'm addressing the work outside of the home mother.....really difficult to juggle job and family life if the partner is less willing to do their share of making the house a home.1 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »I am not in a relationship. Just an observation of couples who have children. And yes, perhaps a mischaracterization of SOME men, still it's generally expected that SOME men are like this, less so of a FEW women.
Generally expected by whom? Sexists?3 -
I can only change me. I will only change if I want to or need to. After 20 or so years of expectations being built you want to change, your world changed, his not as much. You had a child to care for, he rode along. You did things with and have memories of your child he won't. You blame him for not being different now that you have changed? While the behavior described is boorish at best is it new?
I stopped exercising, I ate poorly, I got fat. It wasn't my wife, it wasn't the kids or the jobs. Me I did it. I try every day to be the best husband and father I can. I fail miserably some days. I'm changing me so I can try and try longer. I can't imagine my wife posting that about me, but if she never told me or asked me? how would I know?0 -
NorthCascades wrote: »mysteps2beauty wrote: »I am not in a relationship. Just an observation of couples who have children. And yes, perhaps a mischaracterization of SOME men, still it's generally expected that SOME men are like this, less so of a FEW women.
Generally expected by whom? Sexists?
Clearly.
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As a mom with toddlers, a full work schedule, and a baby coming in 53 days (not that I'm counting or anything) I can't imagine choosing to be married to and have kids with someone who couldn't be what I personally consider a "partner."
Hubs and I aren't 50/50 on everything, but after 8 years of marriage and 2 living together before that we have worked out our "areas of expertise." Like on anything that deals with cooking, cleaning, and schedule management he defers to me. I'm better at that stuff. When it comes to large financial decision, I will always cede to his point of view, cause I'd just spend it. I make more than him, but he is a way better manager of our funds.
50/50 works for some people. 80/20 works for others. No one can look into someone else's marriage and judge if it is good or bad. As long as the people in the marriage agree on their "roles" an uneven marriage can be just as satisfying as a 50/50.
However, when someone complains they don't have the time to workout or that their spouse "won't let them" that is an excuse. Yes, it's hard to fit it in. But you CHOOSE to spend 40 minutes on yourself and you CHOOSE who you are going to marry (at least most of us probably do) and you CHOOSE to sleep or get up and go to the gym.
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Yes I come last in my household, husband works abroad and I run the house, am primary parent for the children as well as having a full time job...if the kids are ill guess who has to take the day off? Yep ME! But to be fair I love being the primary parent and love being there for them, just wish my husband did not work away so much so I can escape for a little bit of 'me time' in the evenings. We don't live near family for support - which doesn't help!0
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This does not apply to everyone. Hubby does equal work in the baby, the kids, and the household. When I need me time, I get it no questions asked.1
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The man hate is strong on here2
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enterdanger wrote: »As a mom with toddlers, a full work schedule, and a baby coming in 53 days (not that I'm counting or anything) I can't imagine choosing to be married to and have kids with someone who couldn't be what I personally consider a "partner."
Hubs and I aren't 50/50 on everything, but after 8 years of marriage and 2 living together before that we have worked out our "areas of expertise." Like on anything that deals with cooking, cleaning, and schedule management he defers to me. I'm better at that stuff. When it comes to large financial decision, I will always cede to his point of view, cause I'd just spend it. I make more than him, but he is a way better manager of our funds.
50/50 works for some people. 80/20 works for others. No one can look into someone else's marriage and judge if it is good or bad. As long as the people in the marriage agree on their "roles" an uneven marriage can be just as satisfying as a 50/50.
However, when someone complains they don't have the time to workout or that their spouse "won't let them" that is an excuse. Yes, it's hard to fit it in. But you CHOOSE to spend 40 minutes on yourself and you CHOOSE who you are going to marry (at least most of us probably do) and you CHOOSE to sleep or get up and go to the gym.
I have a wonderful husband, who is supportive of me - this post, right now, smacked me right in the face...I need to CHOOSE to spend that time on me. I don't do it because I feel a little guilty, but my husband tells me "hun, go take time for yourself". I have to learn that taking time for me is NOT selfish, but very important in a relationship. Thank you for that post, and for the reminder. I hope you know that you made a difference in someone's life today, Enterdanger2 -
My recent ex never watched our baby. I'd ask him to as if he were a babysitter and I'd still get excuses. He went to the gym almost everyday without asking and when he couldn't he would have the worst attitude. There I was, gaining weight and caring for 3 kids with no help or support from him. Resentment grew and well, he's an ex and now I have no money. I take care of those kids and spend 30 hours a week on job search. I don't know how people can workout from home.
1. Damn, that sucks that you're ex-man was such a douche.
2. I can see cardio being a challenge (can't just go for a run, machines cost $$), but have you ever looked into body weight exercises? You don't need equipment, and it can be done anywhere at anytime. I really like it better than weight lifting, and I fit it in when I can.
3. I hope it gets better.0 -
I go to the gym
My husband doesn't
We chose to have a family
We both give up things or do things we would prefer not to have for the sake of being a family
I ate too much and moved too little so was overweight, he cycled to work and didn't so was never overweight ..neither of these is due to sacrifice, they are due to personal choices3 -
I have to go to the gym or run at 0400 to get it done. For me, it's not about coverage (I work two jobs; my husband is the primary caregiver), but about being at home as much as possible when my kids are awake. I also "grease the groove," which can be done almost anywhere.0
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To OP, and all others...I read the book "The Chalice And The Blade" by Riane Eisler, years ago, and it totally reshaped what I believe about my relationships with the women in my life. I highly recommend it if you are looking for true partnership...1
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For me, it has nothing to do with my husband. I am not willing to leave my child at night to go to the gym since I work and this is the only time I have to spend with her. Therefore, I get up at 5am and workout at home instead. If you want it to work, you will make it work.6
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