Kids weight issue?

Char231023

I am putting this in the debate section because I would like to hear everybody's differing opinion on this subject.

A few year ago I had a neighbor who's 9 year old had a weight problems (maybe a candidate for childhood obesity but I can't be 100% sure as I didn't know her actual weight). The mother had suffered from anorexia when she was younger so she didn't want to talk to her daughter about her issue at the risk of her daughter developing an eating disorder (her words not mine). So she would limit her food when she could instead of talking to her about it. So when the daughter came over to play with my son she would ask for a rice crispy treat. I would give it to her knowing her mom would say yes but to only one. But then I would catch her sneaking another one when I was in another room. To me if she is already hiding the food when she eats, that is a problem.

What would you do in that situation?

RachelElser

You could talk to the mom about taking her daughter to a pediatrician so the child could have a healthy relationship with food, but that's about it.

Char231023

Thanks Relser but they have moved away about six months ago. I guess the answers or opinions I was looking for (I didn't make it clear in the OP) is what do you think causes eating disorders or an unhealthy relationship with food?

MsAmandaNJ

I remember eating in secret very young simply because I knew if I ate it in the open, I'd be shamed for it and told to stop. My parents would tell me that I couldn't eat the way my brother did because he was older, a growing boy, and much more active, but I always wanted more.

For me, I was always looking for approval and food never EVER judged me. We didn't have much crap in the house, mom's way of protecting us, although food was often accompanied by love. Can't say I blame her for her methods, she still doesn't have a healthy relationship with food. You learn what you see and experience and can either stick with it or make a decision to change. I was never really taught how to eat properly/responsibly.

crzycatlady1

If this happened once I'd let it go, If it happened more than that-then the kid would not be invited back to my house. Sneaking food/taking something without permission is stealing and I have zero tolerance for it. I'd also be having a pretty blunt talk with the mom about what happened.

tulips_and_tea

There are SO many possible causes of eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food that it's case-by-case, really. When I first starting paying attention to what I was eating, how much, why, etc. I always thought back to being a child who never even thought about food. I just ate when I was hungry, stopped when I was satisfied and never gave it a second thought. Oddly, lots of us lose the ability to do that as we get older and I think it's interesting to examine WHY and what can be done to fix it.

ninerbuff

Char231023 wrote: »

Thanks Relser but they have moved away about six months ago. I guess the answers or opinions I was looking for (I didn't make it clear in the OP) is what do you think causes eating disorders or an unhealthy relationship with food?

It starts with how a person view THEMSELVES. Lots of people who have disorders with food usually feel inferior to others. This usually leads to eating disorders to try to compensate for how they feel or what they may they think they are trying to achieve for acceptance, or just to feel good about themselves.

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mommarnurse

Anorexia in children is almost always caused by an extremely strict mother who doesn't allow personal choices or control over anything for the child. That ones been figured out. As for childhood obesity, I think it's much more complicated.

banpluak

The way I see this is a bit more simple in todays age. Many PARENTS are lazy in the kitchen and will feed their children with take away or unhealthy food as it is easier to do. Children then accept this as normal eating and their bodies become conditioned to wanting this type of food.

Having said that there are far too many psychological causes that can start in children as well. Again this comes from parents with strange ideas about eating and body image. There are of course many other causes as well, but I feel that the role of the parents is often over looked.

This is also not a slight or insult to all you parents out there either.It is just an unfortunate side product of today's society and the desire for immediate gratification, and time constraints. It is also just my opinion.

SingRunTing

I was definitely a secret eater from middle school onward. I would grab something from the pantry and eat it in the bathroom. If I had an extra dollar on me, I would buy a candy bar and eat it on the bus on the way home.

I don't really know why I did it, to be honest. I knew I would be told to stop because dinner was coming up or I just had a snack, but my parents wouldn't shame me. I did feel ashamed of myself, but it was self inflicted and I can't pinpoint an external source that made me feel that way.

I still struggle sometimes. I definitely snack more when I'm home alone than if my husband is home. I don't really understand it, but I stick to my calorie goal and that had helped.

chocolate_owl

In the example you gave, maybe the mother hadn't talked to her child about it, but she had definitely exhibited behaviors that gave her child ideas about "good" and "bad." She could have said things like "I really shouldn't have had that second cookie" or "I look so fat in this dress," or she could have said "No, you can't have any more" in an angry or disdainful tone. Children pick up on these cues. Her daughter probably knew it was "bad" to eat too much, so she ate in secret so people wouldn't judge her for it. Because her mom hadn't really talked to her about it, she didn't understand WHY it was bad, just that it was.

I think parents fight an uphill battle in teaching their children to be healthy these days. First, a lot of parents don't have any idea themselves, and kids mimic their parents' behaviors. A lot of parents are trying to lose weight themselves, so kids grow up around diet culture, which can impart unhealthy ideas about food. Food is readily available, and some kids are better than others at self-regulating. Then add on family dysfunction, unexpected trauma or death, instability due to financial situations, etc. and food can turn into a coping mechanism for a child very easily. I don't think there's simple things to we can pinpoint, but generally a combination of parental habits and attitudes toward food plus the child's environment can lead to eating disorders.

deputy_randolph

I only allow my kids to have 1 treat a day. They have to make a choice about what that treat will be. Sometimes, they will pick the sugary cereal at school; sometimes they will pick a dessert at home. I feel that this approach does limit the amount of treats, but allows the kids to exercise some autonomy.

My kids always fess up when they've had cereal and won't have a dessert. It's just not a big deal, b/c I don't make a big deal about it. On a couple of occasions, I've caught a kid sneaking a second treat (my kids are not very good at being sneaky). Again, I just haven't made a big deal about it and reminded them about the 1 treat "rule." In reality, I don't always have 1 cookie...sometimes I have 3.

Kids' attitudes towards food are influenced heavily by their parents and parents' attitudes towards food.

leeannek1

Definitely talk to the mom. I can see your concern but some moms have these unspoken boundaries that they may not appreciate being crossed, especially that this is about their eating habits. Good luck!

RachelElser

Char231023 wrote: »

Thanks Relser but they have moved away about six months ago. I guess the answers or opinions I was looking for (I didn't make it clear in the OP) is what do you think causes eating disorders or an unhealthy relationship with food?

ahhhhhhh, sorry I misunderstood. I think a variety of things can cause eating disorders- social pressure, peer pressure, family issues, how involved kids are in school and other activities. Some kids/people are more susceptible to outside pressures. What bounces off of one kid really sticks in the mind of another.

kenyonhaff

Childhood obesity is not a simple matter...as for the kid sneaking food in your house, a simple, "If you would like a snack, please ask. I promised your mother you would have only one of those. If you are still hungry, I can offer you some (healthy snack)."

BrandiAnn66

SingRunTing wrote: »

I was definitely a secret eater from middle school onward. I would grab something from the pantry and eat it in the bathroom. If I had an extra dollar on me, I would buy a candy bar and eat it on the bus on the way home.

I don't really know why I did it, to be honest. I knew I would be told to stop because dinner was coming up or I just had a snack, but my parents wouldn't shame me. I did feel ashamed of myself, but it was self inflicted and I can't pinpoint an external source that made me feel that way.

I still struggle sometimes. I definitely snack more when I'm home alone than if my husband is home. I don't really understand it, but I stick to my calorie goal and that had helped.

This sounds a lot like my story, except that I know now that I had all kinds of anxiety issues from about age 3 on. I was relentlessly shamed by my dad and made to feel inferior to my cousins, who all look like Barbie dolls. I would sneak and eat anything and everything- even packs of barbecue sauce from McDonalds ( not on anything, I would drink it out of the cup). I still catch myself sneaking food. It has gotten so bad since my mom died that I can't go grocery shopping all at one time- I have to go every day or I'm going to eat it all!
It sounds like the child op is talking about may have some sort of anxiety or suffered some form of abuse related to her weight. If the opportunity ever arises, op should talk to the mom about her sneaking and stealing food. Who knows- the child's mom may have been unintentionally been severely restricting food to the child.

mom22dogs

My mother had issues with weight and projected it on to me and my sisters. She would also buy snack cakes, chips and pop and wouldn't let us have any. We had to ask if we wanted anything between meals. So as we got older, we started to sneak food. We would find where she hid the candy/snacks and take one, sneak pop, etc because we weren't allowed to have any. This caused big issues for all 3 of us as we got older.

I think a better approach is to have a few choices, and let your kids have a snack either after school or after dinner, so they know they will get to have something. It can't be all or nothing.

Elise4270

All of my kids snuck food. My oldest son at 2 would hide under the table to eat popcorn. My daughter ate cheese sticks in her room.

They weren't forbidden from eating anything, or limited on the portions. I think some kids just like to be sneaky, or take advantage of being outside the home to eat.

Tabbycat00

I can only give my opinion based on my own experience. I'm adopted. Although I participated in a lot of activities (acting, pageants, dance, cheer) which people assume create body image conflicts I was a happy, healthy, kid. At 5'2 & 112 lbs. I set off for college. When I returned home from my first semester I weighed 78. Other than the time I was pregnant, I've never seen 3 digits on the scale again. I'm now 40. Literally, it was like a switch went off in my brain. When I got stressed (living away from home for the first time) I dealt with it by not eating. I've often wondered if my biological mother suffered from an eating disorder because I have no idea where this behavior came from. Maybe genetics plays a role in all unhealthy food behaviors.

__TMac__

I do worry about this because my husband and I are both obese. Our kids (20, 13, and 11, all living at home) are all at healthy weights. We've tried to focus on healthy bodies, with no discussion of appearances. They do know that I'm trying to eat healthy types and portions of food, and that I like to exercise, but I haven't framed it as "weight loss."

They choose their own breakfast, lunch, and snacks (what and when) at home, but we don't keep junk around so they don't have many unhealthy things to choose from. I have a drawer in the fridge of snack baggies (fruit, cheese, guac, carrots, etc.). They can all cook at varying levels of expertise, so I'll sometimes walk in to find them happily noshing on homemade granola, quesadillas, or grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. They are never required to clean their plates, but do have to try everything.

Friday is take-out and dessert day and there is always much discussion and pleasurable anticipation. We have a little sneaking at Halloween time, so I'm still not sure how to handle that.

Who knows what will happen in the future, but we hope that by giving them the tools they need to make good decisions, and the opportunity to practice, they'll do that more often than not.

khaleesikhaleesi

As someone who did develop an eating disorder for a decade largely in part to a parents' criticism, I can say that at least she was dedicated to not passing that disorder along to her daughter. I am endlessly grateful that I have a son and my body image issues will statistically be less likely to influence his relationship with his own body.

hekla90

My eating disorder was caused my trauma

megdnoorman

SingRunTing wrote: »

I was definitely a secret eater from middle school onward. I would grab something from the pantry and eat it in the bathroom. If I had an extra dollar on me, I would buy a candy bar and eat it on the bus on the way home.

I don't really know why I did it, to be honest. I knew I would be told to stop because dinner was coming up or I just had a snack, but my parents wouldn't shame me. I did feel ashamed of myself, but it was self inflicted and I can't pinpoint an external source that made me feel that way.

I still struggle sometimes. I definitely snack more when I'm home alone than if my husband is home. I don't really understand it, but I stick to my calorie goal and that had helped.

I do this too and always have. I also had a relatively normal healthy childhood and was never overweight as a child because I played sports etc. but it has definitely caught up with me.

Even w/healthy food, I still "sneak" extra. For instance, I binge eat a bag of almonds in our walk-in pantry and then go buy another bag before my husband gets home. Then, sometimes, I'll feel bad about it and tell him about it framed as a quirky story "I just had to have those nuts!" Etc. I have no idea why I do this, and feel even sillier now that I'm writing it out and can see how dumb it is.

I go between feeling shame about eating unhealthy food and even about eating food in general, sometimes. And then I go to the other extreme and play up the "I'm the girl who eats a whole plate of supreme nachos with a pitcher of beer." As if that is a fun, good thing to be. I hate both.

Trying to fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes has been my goal basically my whole life (and ideally, getting to a weight that falls between overweight and underweight, which are extremes I flip-flop between ). I hope my son doesn't pick up these habits/traits.

nokanjaijo

There was a study done by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente investigating the link between adverse childhood experiences and poor health. The results of the study were so stunning that the man who presented the finding wept as he did so.

The study came about as a result of the struggles a man had while running an obesity clinic.

I really do think most disordered eating is rooted in trauma, abuse and neglect.

lulalacroix

I had a very traumatic early childhood. This led to my refusal to eat, often. I think it was the only thing I felt that I had control over.

bbell1985

I did that as a kid. I can remember sneaking and hiding food, and I still do it. Now it's a lifelong problem and I was overweight from childhood until I was 28. I really don't know the answer...

Reaverie

It's sad parents do this to their children, intentionally or not. My mom was always starving herself because she struggled with obesity and even ended up in the hospital once. She was always popping pills to help speed the starving up (and back then they were ephedrine based).. and my sister and I ended up getting into them once and eating them like candy. She never new. However, she was shoving junk food down my siblings and my throat. We were over weight but not obese. Bad day? Let's have McDonald's! Good day? Let's have candy! A day? Cake! Pie! Ice cream! And ALWAYS a desert after dinner. And she piled our plates high demanding we ate it all. Ironically she would comment on my weight often and tell me I needed to exercise.

Because of how I grew up, I forbid junk with my own kids, perfectly portioned their meals, and there was no reward for eating ones dinner. Sweets were only on special occasions and holidays. Left over candy was tossed two days after the holiday. I pushed water and the very occasional juice. I talked about healthy diet and we walked a LOT. (Now here I am at 300lbs..) My son is almost 18 and my daughter is 15. Neither suffered from my limiting them. Now they are limiting me and encouraging me to exercise. My awesome support group!

I think it's important kids learn to eat right starting early in life and limited on junk food. They should think fruit is a special treat, not sugar. My nephew was never limited and now fights when told to eat his veggies. He wants junk. Chips, French fries, fried chicken.. nothing natural.. and will argue that these things are healthy. He is 8, overweight, and when I make him walk a mile with me, he is more winded than I am. My kids? They dance 2 miles..

brdoyle8

I have been a food hoarder, secret eater since I was very young. My mom always talked to me about it, coincidentally she also has her own problems with weight loss and self image. I grew up with an unhealthy view of food, and I went through high school and college grossly overeating with friends or when I wasn't around my family.

I agree wholeheartedly with what someone above said. I was always looking for approval, and food would always give that to me. That child will grow and learn the same thing, or maybe not.

davidtcharron

I wad always a secret eater. Was a big guy in high school untill i burned it off. Now my daughter is like me. She loves to eat and often so i focus on making sure she has good choices to eat as well as portion control and try to get her active in sports.

DaveDR7

'Everything in moderation' that's what they say isn't it!?
How can I give advice, I'm 250lb piece of blubber, but I do remember being brought up to eat everything on my plate or no sweet, the main difference nowadays to then, I was out with my friends, burning it all off, running around like a headless chicken, playing tag, cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, I was a skinny runt until I became a trucker 27 years ago.
Unfortunately, I do believe parents have a responsibility to control what their kids eat, give them a healthy mix of different foods and don't let them gorge themselves on pizza in front of the Xbox/PS for hours on end, then wonder why they're at 15st+ as a teenager!
Get them out playing or give them healthy portions, we are on this MFP to get healthy and fit and lose weight, yet people seem to get upset, that you shouldn't tell your kids to stop eating cr*p because they'll get an "eating disorder", I sometimes wonder if that's better than seeing your kid at 300lbs+ and just a few years from having a heart attack.
We can recognise that we have to change ourselves to eat responsibly and exercise more to get fit, but we can't recognise that we should do the same for our kids. Seriously?
I think society is totally messed up, too many do-gooders, parents without moral fibre (many without fibre in their diet!), way too much PC and the result a society that's accepted obesity as a consequence of late 20th and 21st century living.
It's time for change!
Be a role model for your kids and grandkids, show them that you can change and be fit, let them follow your example.

comptonelizabeth

To me this doesn't sound untypical for a kid and doesn't necessarily mean she's a secret eater. She may just be used to being told not to have "more than one" or to treats not being available.
My granddaughter is a bit like this. She loves her food but her mum (my daughter)does have strange random views about when and what and how much she should eat . When my granddaughter comes to stay with us I'm aware she sometimes takes another biscuit or sweet if she thinks no one is looking. I ignore it because I think you need to pick your battles with kids,and food shouldn't be one of them!