Accepting Who You Can Be

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  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    My outside has changed but my inside it the same. I have no idea how to "fix" my mental issues. I cover them up by acting "normal" (what's accepted in society) because I grew up with family and friends who went with the mantra "we don't talk about those things" and people with mental issues were put into "homes".

    I get you hate yourself. Live with it or change it. Yes, you can change it, even the height.
  • Hornsby
    Hornsby Posts: 10,322 Member
    People don't look at a 6'3 person and automatically assume they are "big". A healthy weight person at 6'3 is somewhat tall but not big by any stretch.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I wanted to look different as a teenager and young adult. I went through a period of intense self hatred based on my appearance. At some point I accepted myself and found things to like about me. I had to make a list of 10 things and think hard. It took work to change my negative thinking.
    I have been surprised at times that people who had the appearance I would have wanted actually really disliked that aspect of their appearance. One man's trash is another man's treasure I guess.
    At age 42, I don't care about my height. My hair can do what it wants. My skin is going to be blindingly pale. My nose will be big. I have big feet. This is the vessel I have to go through life in. Hating it doesn't make my life better and takes too much energy. There are more important things about me than all these things that are just not going to change anyway.

    I've been married happily 17 years. My observation is that other people do not see or think of you the way you do. That's okay. I haven't always understood why dh is attracted to me but I'm not going to think there is something wrong with him if he tells me I look hot. He's a great guy.
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  • JustAnotherOneOfThoseGirls
    JustAnotherOneOfThoseGirls Posts: 165 Member
    I've not read all replies on this thread, just skimmed, but just wondering where you live as 6'3 is quite a good height for men in England, it's really not considered huge. My whole family is quite tall, my stepdad and stepbrothers all stand between 6'9 and 6'11 and very few people bat an eye, yes they're taller than most, but no one cares. My stepdad and stepbrother are also on opposite ends of the spectrum weight wise, my stepdad is very large, last I asked he was 340 lbs, whereas my stepbrother is rake thin. People come in all shapes and sizes, no one cares beyond a "oh cool, they're pretty tall", and anyone who thinks negative comments is just an a-hole. I know body dysmorphia is a real, terrible thing, and a few nice comments won't make it go away (I have it myself), but try not to beat yourself up too much
  • Geocitiesuser
    Geocitiesuser Posts: 1,429 Member
    Dude you need to find some self love. No one in this world will love you but you. That's the red pill. You are your own best friend. Your own lover. Your own support team. Relationships with the opposite gender are fleeting and shallow. Only YOU can truly love YOU, so if you ever want even a shred of happiness in this life, you need to find some self love.
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  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
    I find it interesting that you don't want people to notice you for your height but you don't mind them noticing you for other qualities. Do you also have problems with the color of your eyes? Would you feel as bad if a woman found your eyes attractive as you would if she found your height attractive? Your height is just one of your collective physical qualities, either accept it or don't. Funny how in the process of wishing we were happier we often make ourselves even more miserable.
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  • bestlifetoday
    bestlifetoday Posts: 1 Member
    Girls like a guy for his personality. Build your confidence in small steps. Say hello to someone new. Go somewhere different. Look at meetup groups. Many men over 40 are follically challenged. Height is cool. What else do you have that is big? A big heart? A big voice that can carry across the room?
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    edited January 2017
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    I don't know how to embrace it. I don't see any pluses to it; in the past, I even considered lying on my dating profile because I don't want to date girls who have to settle for big bald guys.

    There is no way I will ever see my size as a good thing.

    Tall men are treated preferentially in the workplace and in online dating. Guys know this, and the number 1 biggest lie in online dating according to OKCupid research is about men adding inches to their height. When I was online dating, almost every man I met had added an inch to his height. I like tall guys, and since I knew men exaggerated their height I set my filter to look for guys starting at 6'2" to try to weed out the guys under 6' "stretching for that coveted psychological benchmark". I had no upper limit.

    I dated someone who was 6'8" and why it didn't work out was because he was so much younger than me. I normally don't date men that much younger, but because he was so tall I gave it a shot.

    I also dated a guy who said he was 6'4" but was actually 6'3". (My ex is 6'4" so I know where I come up to a guy.) I thought it was hilarious that even someone 6'3" would add an inch.

    I'm currently engaged to a man who is 6'6".

    https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lies-in-online-dating/

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    7bc886d940733413496fd29a8badf05b.png
  • L1zardQueen
    L1zardQueen Posts: 8,753 Member
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    I don't know how to embrace it. I don't see any pluses to it; in the past, I even considered lying on my dating profile because I don't want to date girls who have to settle for big bald guys.

    There is no way I will ever see my size as a good thing.

    Tall men are treated preferentially in the workplace and in online dating. Guys know this, and the number 1 biggest lie in online dating according to OKCupid research is about men adding two inches to their height. When I was online dating, almost every man I met had added an inch to his height. I like tall guys, and since I knew men lied about their height I set my filter to look for guys starting at 6'2". I had no upper limit. I dated someone who was 6'8" and why it didn't work out was because he was so much younger than me. I normally don't date men that much younger, but because he was so tall I gave it a shot.

    I'm currently engaged to a man who is 6'6".

    https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lies-in-online-dating/

    7cbbee9992ceda3f330c563f447f2a39.png
    I think this is true in professional sports too!
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    AnvilHead wrote: »
    Nope, not one bit.

    I've seen one of my best friends nearly lose his life in a motorcycle accident and now he's crippled for life. I watched one family member die of cancer. I watched another one die of COPD after spending years confined to a mobility scooter. I continue to watch another close family member deal with severe depression, drug addiction and borderline bipolar behavior. He's younger than me, but will most likely die long before I do. I go to the gym and see people trying to work out while hooked up to oxygen bottles, or shuffling from machine to machine on a walker. I still occasionally talk to a former co-worker who lost one of his legs on the job. When I go for a run in my favorite park, I see homeless people curled up behind bushes in cardboard boxes, wearing rags and their only worldly possessions are a stolen shopping cart and some empty cans and bottles.

    And I feel very damn lucky and blessed that I'm healthy, reasonably fit and have a roof over my head. So no, what I "have to accept" isn't bad. It's not bad at all. Actually, it's pretty freaking wonderful. I know there are billions of people in the world who'd gladly trade places with me in a heartbeat.

    I've told my story on here countless times, but I'll tell it again.

    I became ill, and it went undiagnosed for a long time. I let that change who I was as a person, and I hated how I was. I hated that I could no longer function how I used to.

    Basically (cutting to the chase here), after ten years of wallowing in it, I got over myself.

    I switched doctors, got a proper diagnosis, and started taking better care of myself. I changed the things about myself that I could and accepted the things I couldn't, because what use is there in getting upset about those?

    So what, my body is an a-hole about some things? I'm a lot better than I used to be and a lot better than I could be if I wallowed in despair about my medical situation.

    I feel fortunate.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    Does anyone have problems accepting what they can be? It's a real problem for me and it often derails me when I want to lose weight. I hate that I'm always going to be a big guy no matter how much weight I lose and I hate myself for it.

    Do you ever have troubles accepting your own limitations? Your height, your weight, etc.? It's a huge problem for me and something I need to come to grips with. I hate myself for being stuck this way. Does anyone feel like, even if it's not your fault, that you hate yourself for what you have to accept?

    When I was in high school, I hated my big feet and calves. I eventually got over it, and later came to realize my big feet were a plus when doing balancing poses in yoga.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    Hornsby wrote: »
    People don't look at a 6'3 person and automatically assume they are "big". A healthy weight person at 6'3 is somewhat tall but not big by any stretch.

    Agreed.
  • L1zardQueen
    L1zardQueen Posts: 8,753 Member
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    Does anyone have problems accepting what they can be? It's a real problem for me and it often derails me when I want to lose weight. I hate that I'm always going to be a big guy no matter how much weight I lose and I hate myself for it.

    Do you ever have troubles accepting your own limitations? Your height, your weight, etc.? It's a huge problem for me and something I need to come to grips with. I hate myself for being stuck this way. Does anyone feel like, even if it's not your fault, that you hate yourself for what you have to accept?

    When I was in high school, I hated my big feet and calves. I eventually got over it, and later came to realize my big feet were a plus when doing balancing poses in yoga.

    Or built in flippers for water polo! Right?
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    Tiny_Dancer_in_Pink wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    Does anyone have problems accepting what they can be? It's a real problem for me and it often derails me when I want to lose weight. I hate that I'm always going to be a big guy no matter how much weight I lose and I hate myself for it.

    Do you ever have troubles accepting your own limitations? Your height, your weight, etc.? It's a huge problem for me and something I need to come to grips with. I hate myself for being stuck this way. Does anyone feel like, even if it's not your fault, that you hate yourself for what you have to accept?

    When I was in high school, I hated my big feet and calves. I eventually got over it, and later came to realize my big feet were a plus when doing balancing poses in yoga.

    Or built in flippers for water polo! Right?

    I am a great swimmer. My 6'4" ex is even better :D
  • suzettedees
    suzettedees Posts: 85 Member
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    People tell me "oh, looks don't matter" and then tell me to like it when someone - anyone - notices my looks. Why is it so hard for people to admit that looks DO matter and how we feel about ourselves matters more than others do?
    RickyCoogin wrote: »
    People tell me "oh, looks don't matter" and then tell me to like it when someone - anyone - notices my looks. Why is it so hard for people to admit that looks DO matter and how we feel about ourselves matters more than others do?

    Of course looks matter, it's the first thing we notice about each other. The good, the bad and the ugly but, it's only an impression of who we truly are. You aren't what you look like, it's just a body that contains who you are and your actions and personality tell the story. When I met my husband I was a neurotic thin mess and he always told me how beautiful I was. I didn't feel beautiful though I felt like my life was in a mess so I must be a mess. One day I told him that my body is just a shell and will change with time, I will get wrinkles and grey hair, sagging body parts due to gravity etc and he told me it didn't matter, I would always be beautiful to him. Time has passed, I'm no longer neurotic but neither am I thin any longer. I have a few grey hairs (which I dilengently colour) some smile lines and some sagging skin and my husband still tells me I'm beautiful and sexy (even thought I'd like to lose 50 pounds) and every day tells me he loves me. He says all these things because he loves the person I am not the shell I live in and I love me too inspite of how age is not kind but I know I'm kind and caring, funny and silly, empathetic, a good listener and overall I'm a pretty dam good person. It sounds like you need some help to learn how to love yourself, bumps and bruises and all.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    My son in law is 6' 7" and caught the eye of my daughter because he is tall, dark, handsome, intelligent and soft spoken. Their daughter, my granddaughter, is sixteen and is going to be tall. She joked this weekend that she just had another growth spurt and then she shrugged. Nothing she can do about it.

    OP you remind me of those sad women who won't let their husbands see them without makeup. The bedroom is left in complete darkness.

    How much more lovely to be so relaxed with another human being that you can lay yourself bare before them, confident that you are still attractive and lovable.

    Once in a while I google "centenarian couple" for some feel good vibes. Try it.

    https://www.google.ca/amp/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/centenarian-couple-celebrates-82-years-of-marriage/
  • DarkSinestra
    DarkSinestra Posts: 45 Member
    No one will ever be able to give you what you're seeking, because self-esteem and validation come from the inside, not the outside. Unfortunately, however, negative self-images and messages do usually start externally and slowly sink in until we stop recognizing that our internal self-hatred and negative self talk did not come from us. They are, instead, messages we have absorbed through the years to the point that we believe they are our views.

    If you are against therapy or can't afford a therapist, I would highly recommend a path of self-help, and I would start with Rick Carson's book "Taming Your Gremlin." It's short, light hearted, but full of invaluable exercises and advice on how to recognize others' voices versus your own, how to interrupt and rewrite your own negative scripts, and how to recognize the ruts and patterns you're stuck in for what they are.

    The book won't give you self-esteem. It will instead give you a road map for how to begin building your own. I loathed myself in my twenties. I had attempted suicide multiple times and had a boatload of issues, only some of which had to do with my physical appearance. This book was literally a life changer for me. It wasn't the end of my road to recovery of self-esteem, but it was a very solid beginning. I can't recommend it highly enough.
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