Tools to deal with an unsupportive spouse.

kenyonhaff

Well, can I add a different perspective?

One of the most difficult parts about being a wife and mother is flexibility. This does not mean letting people dictate things or have unhealthy boundaries. However, it does mean that you need to find a way that meets your needs and the needs of others.

You cannot do this by unilaterally telling your husband what he can and cannot eat. Actually, I sense some passive-aggressiveness. Why not sit down and talk about how he can have pizza (and frankly, you too...why can't you have pizza too I don't get that?) AND what your needs are. It's about making adjustments, not dictates.

But your husband MUST also take responsibility and be a FATHER as well. You need time to take care of you. That means not father as "babysitter" but as a person perfectly capible of going to the park for 90 minutes on a weekend or library storytime or whatever. That, too, needs to be a discussion. Especially IF YOU ARE WORKING YOU SHOULD NOT BE DOING THE 2ND SHIFT. Or if you are, he needs to do some cleaning, shopping, etc. Just because you have ovaries does not mean you are saddled with all the domestic work.

The two of you need to work these issues out. Not by being mean and snippy. He needs to have freedom to choose his foods. You need support in having "me time" and domestic help, too. There needs some balance.

Therealobi1

lmunik wrote: »

Hi. I have been here too. My husband loves M&Ms and ice cream. Its so hard dont listen to the comments that say deal with it. They are insensitive. Its like being an alcoholic u cant have liquor around. Doing MFP is a good start. You can eat what they eat but in super moderation. Make a huge spinach salad to have w a tiny slice of pizza. When they have junk make popcorn. Teach your son to eat healthier. My daughter never brings bread to lunch i put the meat on a toothpick. My husband didnt understand either. It took years. Maybe put their food on one side of the pantry or in a drawer. You can message me if u need to for a friend. Ive been there. Sharpls

I would rather be insensitive than dramatic. I am a sweet tooth, sweets cakes biscuits. But to say bringing sweets around me is similar to bringing alcohol around an alcoholic is the same is just ridiculous to me. Next you will be saying to not walk past the pizza place in case you have the urge.
My other half is not trying to lose weight or even trying to exercise. When I was deep into losing weight he would bring in kebabs and all sorts. I will take a big bite and get on with my day. Othertimes I would just ignore whatever he brings in. It was so hard but I got through it.

Then you go and say have a slice of the pizza. So isn't that dealing with it?

amusedmonkey

I must be one of the few people who do NOT want family support. It just places unnecessary pressure on me to succeed and succeed soon because I would feel bad if all the compromises they're making do not show a result soon. This way I do whatever I want to do at whatever pace I want, take breaks whenever I want, even plan small regains when I feel like it. It also means no butting into my business with comments like "do you need to eat that?". Be careful what you ask for because some people's idea of support may not be the same as yours. Just the idea of someone tiptoeing around me makes me uncomfortable.

My family eats whatever they want whenever they want and I very often eat with them too, rearranging my stuff so it works and just say no when it doesn't. I get chocolates as gifts, and mom made me the most delicious cake in the world today for my birthday which clocks at nearly 1000 calories per slice, plus stuffed zucchini and grape leaves which I passionately love and can't stop eating, plus fried Kibbeh (because she knows it's one of the very few ways I eat meat). My sister travels a lot and brings me all kinds of chocolate every time because she knows I love chocolate. It makes me happy that my weight loss effort is not making things awkward between me and my family or stressing our relationship. That temporary stress I get whenever I have to deal with foods that don't fit nearly into my calorie allowance is worth a smooth relationship full of spontaneity with those who are closest to me.

My cake today (3 layers of real chocolate mousse black, milk and white):

My sister's last chocolate haul for me:

Maybe a new way to look at it if your husband ends up not responding to your requests. The sense of freedom more than makes up for the lack of support. Expectations could result in resentments if you happen to stumble (weight loss hiccups happen to everyone), especially if support involves him abstaining from the foods he loves.

Therealobi1

amusedmonkey wrote: »

I must be one of the few people who do NOT want family support. It just places unnecessary pressure on me to succeed and succeed soon because I would feel bad if all the compromises they're making do not show a result soon. This way I do whatever I want to do at whatever pace I want, take breaks whenever I want, even plan small regains when I feel like it. It also means no butting into my business with comments like "do you need to eat that?". Be careful what you ask for because some people's idea of support may not be the same as yours. Just the idea of someone tiptoeing around me makes me uncomfortable.

My family eats whatever they want whenever they want and I very often eat with them too, rearranging my stuff so it works and just say no when it doesn't. I get chocolates as gifts, and mom made me the most delicious cake in the world today for my birthday which clocks at nearly 1000 calories per slice, plus stuffed zucchini and grape leaves which I passionately love and can't stop eating, plus fried Kibbeh (because she knows it's one of the very few ways I eat meat). My sister travels a lot and brings me all kinds of chocolate every time because she knows I love chocolate. It makes me happy that my weight loss effort is not making things awkward between me and my family or stressing our relationship. That temporary stress I get whenever I have to deal with foods that don't fit nearly into my calorie allowance is worth a smooth relationship full of spontaneity with those who are closest to me.

My cake today (3 layers of real chocolate mousse black, milk and white):

My sister's last chocolate haul for me:

Maybe a new way to look at it if your husband ends up not responding to your requests. The sense of freedom more than makes up for the lack of support. Expectations could result in resentments if you happen to stumble (weight loss hiccups happen to everyone), especially if support involves him abstaining from the foods he loves.

I like your post. Many people would accuse their family of sabotaging their efforts because they got cakes from them.

There is a recent post that suggests to help a friend tell them to put the fork down. I would hate that kind of support

ESJ44

tealtortoise wrote: »

Hi All, this is my first post on MFP. I am looking for some help dealing with an unsupportive husband. I have always struggled to stay at a normal weight. In the past I was able to do it by going to the gym 6 days a weeks with healthy eating. Since I have had my son three years ago, it became a struggle. As a full time working mother, I am simply not willing to be away from my child after a long day. On the weekends, if I ask my husband to help, he will, but I pay for it in other ways (i.e.: he is in a bad mood, etc). So, I pretty much can only work-out during nap time on the weekends. That said, it's not enough. So, I have started a diet plan that is working for me that includes some fasting. I still cook meals for my husband and son during this time. My son and I also grocery shop together every Saturday and I bring home a full cart of things he can eat (i.e.: sandwiches, etc). That said, he still will fire up the oven and put a frozen pizza in the oven at 9pm at night. I have asked him not to do this on days I am fasting and he dosen't care. It actually causes me physical pain to smell it when I am at the end of my fast. I have a hard time relating to this kind of ignorance and it makes me want to cry that he is so inconsiderate, especially since I try so hard so that my fast days won't affect him or my son. Any advice?

tealtortoise wrote: »

Hi All, this is my first post on MFP. I am looking for some help dealing with an unsupportive husband. I have always struggled to stay at a normal weight. In the past I was able to do it by going to the gym 6 days a weeks with healthy eating. Since I have had my son three years ago, it became a struggle. As a full time working mother, I am simply not willing to be away from my child after a long day. On the weekends, if I ask my husband to help, he will, but I pay for it in other ways (i.e.: he is in a bad mood, etc). So, I pretty much can only work-out during nap time on the weekends. That said, it's not enough. So, I have started a diet plan that is working for me that includes some fasting. I still cook meals for my husband and son during this time. My son and I also grocery shop together every Saturday and I bring home a full cart of things he can eat (i.e.: sandwiches, etc). That said, he still will fire up the oven and put a frozen pizza in the oven at 9pm at night. I have asked him not to do this on days I am fasting and he dosen't care. It actually causes me physical pain to smell it when I am at the end of my fast. I have a hard time relating to this kind of ignorance and it makes me want to cry that he is so inconsiderate, especially since I try so hard so that my fast days won't affect him or my son. Any advice?

ESJ44

I think you should find a husband that supports everything you do and realizes that he's lucky to have a wife devoted to her child and making herself better for her family by exercising and eating healthy. What does that say about the partnership he shares and the vow he took to be your partner in what you do?

No matter what shape he's in he shouldn't be eating pizza at the end of a night when you've not eaten all day. Even if you HAD been eating it's just inconsiderate.

There are some things that you shouldn't need to ask an adult to do, it's just basic logic.

Keep up the good work and making yourself better. At the end of the day you'll have the respect of the most important person in all of this--yourself.