Resenting your other half for eating crap when you're working your butt off
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It gets easier. My husband is on the high side of "healthy" on the BMI scale, probably, and he complains about his weight. But he refuses to eat differently - he runs and cycles and plays basketball with his buddies and he's started lifting and he's convinced that his activity level is such that he shouldn't have to think about his eating habits.
And that's okay. It drove me crazy when I first started mfp, because here I was counting calories and he would order that jumbo popcorn at the movies with extra butter and his full-sugar coke, and he'd expect me to share, and I just couldn't. But as I got into the habit of eating differently, it's gotten easier for me to have a handful of popcorn and stop. Or order the grilled snapper when he's getting his burger and fries. I'm not about to start lecturing him on his eating habits, because it's just not worth it - we'd both be frustrated but nothing else would really change.1 -
I'm late to the conversation also but I have the same frustration, and I have two teens plus a husband who think nothing of chowing down on crisps or some other crud (which is irritating on a whole 'nother level). Like you, I worry about my husband's health. His numbers (cholesterol, BMI, etc) are worse than mine. But to boot, he eats my food, too!
Good luck with finding a work around. I have been very pleased following a low carb diet, not only with my energy, but weight loss, too, that I find the temptations much easier to ignore than on past diets.0 -
Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »My other half is 6,4 and can literally eat what he wants without gaining weight! Me on the other hand.... well I'm here so evidently I can't!
Whilst I'm trying really hard to change my eating habits and exercise, my other half does no exercise and is constantly bringing home big bags of chocolate, crisps and biscuits. I'm really really starting to resent him and find myself angry with him a lot and I think it's because of this. When I try and tell him about how nutritionally he needs to eat better, he boo hoos me.
Anyone else have this problem and how do I deal with it? It lbs starting to drive a wedge between us
You really don't have the right to ask someone to do something that would inconvenience them just because you have some type of problem. Now, as your husband, he should take it upon himself to WANT to help you, at one end of the spectrum because you are his wife and its the right thing to do, and at the other end of the spectrum because why would he wanna be married to a fat chick? But I think your anger and resentment is causing you to approach him the wrong way and instead of instinctively being supportive, he is instinctively being defensive. Work hard, do your best, and most of all, show some progress despite whatever else is going on around you. Perhaps he'll see this and become more supportive.2 -
I bet the hubs catches hell when the scale does not say what you want. I know of guys in his position who will be late coming home just so they can get their junk food fix in before coming home. Or have a stash somewhere at home. Then they are blamed for being sneaky if not even dishonest.4
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Yep, that's my husband too. I pretty much have to do my own meal prepping on weekdays but we make sure we cook and eat together on weekends. He can eat a whole box of kraft mac n cheese at midnight. I just openly judge him for being a degererate and express my superiority in grit, perseverance and self-discipline. All in good humor, of course
bottomline is - it's not fair to ask him to change his lifestyle. You just do what you need to do! 4 -
Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.0 -
Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »My other half is 6,4 and can literally eat what he wants without gaining weight! Me on the other hand.... well I'm here so evidently I can't!
Whilst I'm trying really hard to change my eating habits and exercise, my other half does no exercise and is constantly bringing home big bags of chocolate, crisps and biscuits. I'm really really starting to resent him and find myself angry with him a lot and I think it's because of this. When I try and tell him about how nutritionally he needs to eat better, he boo hoos me.
Anyone else have this problem and how do I deal with it? It lbs starting to drive a wedge between us
Assuming that he's maintaining a healthy weight (rather than gaining), nutritionally, he *needs* calorie dense foods. He probably needs well over 3,000 calories/day just to maintain his weight. He's not going to get that on veggies and lean protein. Now, I'm not saying that he needs to be eating chips and soda - but, frankly, if he doesn't have diabetes and is maintaining his weight and is eating nutrient-rich foods at meals, he needs to eat *something* calorie dense to meet his daily calorie needs. And, yeah, it'd be more nutritious to do that with nuts and avocado and full fat dairy - but that's his call.
My husband is 7" taller than me and 60 pounds heavier. He burns at least 1,000 calories/day more than me if we are roughly equally active that day. Usually, I'm significantly more active, and he *still* burns at least 500 calories/day more. So, I get to watch him chow down on huge evening snacks. The amount of butter he slathers on a cracker! It's thicker than the cracker is! But we mostly eat healthy meals and he's lost 30 pounds in the last 6 months. So I'm not going to get on his case about his snacks.
He eats his snacks; I eat mine. And, really, the only time it bugs me is if I go looking for a treat I bought a few days ago, and he's already eaten the whole thing.
It also helps that he's really supportive of my need to know exactly what I'm eating. So, the kids steal his food when they want seconds because mommy's already weighed hers. And he usually remembers to write down how much of everything went into a recipe. I think that helps a lot. How can I resent someone who's helping me out just because he needs more food than me?2 -
Not true. If his health markers are fine doing this, then there's nothing to worry about.Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »Thanks guys, sounds like this is something I am going to just have to deal with and work on my willpower! Part of the reason it annoys me is because now that I am more aware of what is in certain foods I am trying to look out for his health too. Drinking your body weight in sugary coke and eating a multi pack of crisps a night is a heart attack one day waiting to happen - I don't want to end up a widow! Oh well at least his dinners are more healthy I suppose...
Health isn't just about food. There are so many other contributing factors. I'll just leave it at if low quality, low nutrition food ACTUALLY killed people from consistently eating it, our prison populations should be much smaller every few years..........and they're not.
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Skinny people get pre-diabetes too. Just cause my markers are in range doesn't mean I'm going to eat bunches of junk food just hoping the diagnosis never comes. Not saying he has anything to worry about, I don't know the guys medical history. But I could understand why op would be concerned if it's that large of a volume of junk food. My hubby is tall and thin and used to eat bunches of junk, but he has diabetes in the family and when he turned 30 he decided to eat better anyway. We each eat our own foods since he wants to bulk up and I want to slim down. And I don't get jealous or nag him if he eats crap. But if the bulk of his calories was pop and cookies I might be concerned too. Food isn't everything but healthy food can't hurt either.0
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No one is going to like this, but this is my opinion: It's your perspective on the issue that's the problem. He is his own person, just as you are. There is no reason why he has to have the same "diet" as you. His body has different needs than yours does. your expectations aren't what they should be. You're expecting him to stop eating what his body needs or wants to suit you. Now I admit, it would be very considerate of him to not eat that stuff in front of you, and that you might even be kind enough not to eat that stuff in front of him, if he were to be the one on the diet instead of you, but to say it's driving a wedge in your marriage? Really? Why did you marry him? so you could get your way? or because you love him? Remember your love for your husband, and over look his inconsideration. He was that way before you married him, you're not going to change it. He will have to change it, but will only do so if he wants to.. not because you're nagging and snarling at him. I've heard and seen many a forum thread saying you CAN have anything, as long as it's in moderation, so go ahead and have a little something that you dont' think you can have, just a small bit. Go for a walk after dinner to burn a few calories if it makes you feel better. Build yourself up, build your husband up instead of tearing him down, and thus build your relationship to make it stronger. Sorry, I know you don't like this. But it's selfish of you to think he has to change his ways, just because you decided to change something about yourself.10
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No one is going to like this, but this is my opinion: It's your perspective on the issue that's the problem. He is his own person, just as you are. There is no reason why he has to have the same "diet" as you. His body has different needs than yours does. your expectations aren't what they should be. You're expecting him to stop eating what his body needs or wants to suit you. Now I admit, it would be very considerate of him to not eat that stuff in front of you, and that you might even be kind enough not to eat that stuff in front of him, if he were to be the one on the diet instead of you, but to say it's driving a wedge in your marriage? Really? Why did you marry him? so you could get your way? or because you love him? Remember your love for your husband, and over look his inconsideration. He was that way before you married him, you're not going to change it. He will have to change it, but will only do so if he wants to.. not because you're nagging and snarling at him. I've heard and seen many a forum thread saying you CAN have anything, as long as it's in moderation, so go ahead and have a little something that you dont' think you can have, just a small bit. Go for a walk after dinner to burn a few calories if it makes you feel better. Build yourself up, build your husband up instead of tearing him down, and thus build your relationship to make it stronger. Sorry, I know you don't like this. But it's selfish of you to think he has to change his ways, just because you decided to change something about yourself.
This. All of this.0 -
I don't resent my husband or son for burning more calories a day due to size and being male, but I do resent restaurants catering only to their needs. I 'm stuck either ordering the low cal stuff or being stuck with asking for a doggie bag. I don't actually want a load of leftovers to eat later or waste. Restaurants seem to aim their portion sizes for men your husband's size. It makes me not want to eat out even when my husband does, so that is a bit of a source of conflict. He doesn't understand, and always tells me I don't need to lose weight.
But even tall men's metabolisms slow down over time, and their arteries eventually clog. I don't think the OP is totally out of line to try to encourage somewhat more healthy eating habits. Just don't be surprised when he ignores you and fills his car with soda and bags of chips that he will be scolded for bringing into the house.
Good luck with your weight loss.2 -
When I "dieted" for various reasons other than for me,I resented my husbands food choices.
This time it's about me and for me only, so I give zero cares what he eats now.
It also helps I allow a few bites of his food now and again if it's something I don't eat often:)2 -
Why don't you manage your food diary so you still have enough calories available in the evening to be able to have a snack when he is... but make yours slightly healthier - popcorn, or fruit, apple slices or oatcakes with peanut butter... orrrr work out during the day and have that bar of chocolate or a smaller portion of crisps.
You might be limiting the amount you're putting in your mouth, but you don't really have to limit your choices that much... if you're snacking at the same time he is, you might not feel that resentment
I'm in no way comparing you to my dog here... (sorry ) but I give her a carrot when I'm eating my dinner so she feels included... and it stops her wanting what I'm eating... (I would do this with my man but I can't find one haha) 2 -
He's going to get older then his metabolism is going to slow way down. He's going to balloon up and start having severe health problems, go bald and look terrible. Might as well leave him now.
(I'm being ultra sarcastic lol sorry...)1 -
Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.8 -
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My husband loves to eat out on his days off (he has rotating days off). So he'll pick me up at work and take me to lunch. Luckily he only likes a few restaurants and I have done my research so I know what to order that will fit in my calories. But he knows that I get one big meal a day. So if he takes me to lunch we have a very light dinner. Like everything in marriage, it's a compromise.
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My husband and I have both talked about losing weight and wanting to get more active, but I have been working toward that more than he has...and honestly that is fine with me. He makes his own decisions and he can eat whatever he wants. I don't tell him what he can or can't eat, but I do try and encourage him to be conscious of portion size...which is something we both struggle with.
I do the grocery shopping in our house and I will pick up snacks that he likes that are on the healthier side, and every Sunday I spend a couple of hours meal prepping for both of us. I have found a few things that he absolutely loves that are super healthy, filling meals...his favorite is cajun chicken sausage with sweet potato and peppers all baked together. We also spend time putting together a "snack basket"...basically it's whatever snacks we bought at the store, healthy and unhealthy, and we take the time to weigh and measure portion sizes so that we can easily grab them when we pack food for the day.
I try really hard to be supportive and helpful (because he does want to change his lifestyle), without being his mom...shoot he can eat whatever he wants, but I do try and make it as easy as it can be to choose some healthy things. I tend to go all in when I want to do something...losing weight included, so I go all healthy most of the time...but he needs a different route, and I don't resent him for eating things that I can't...in my opinion, that is one of the silliest things to drive a wedge between you for.1 -
Resenting your other half for their eating habits, which have nothing to do with yours, says more about you than him. I'm vegan, my husband is not. If I resented his food choices, which, lets face it, don't effect me at all, then we probably wouldn't be married. You don't have to share a lifestyle to share a life. Forcing your changes you want to make on someone else isn't fair to that person. If they can eat whatever they want, why should you force change on them?4
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Yep, I had this problem too but I just had to learn to let him munch away while I sip on water - not easy but thank goodness I was able to keep on being strong so it eventually became the norm for me not to care if he's snacking or not.
I worked darned hard to lose my weight and have kept it off for 4 years now, so sheer willpower wins in the end. I enjoy being slim too much which keeps me focused.0 -
I feel this so much. The reason I'm here is because I've been eating like my husband. I just got into the habit of giving us the exact same portion sizes and feeding us exactly alike ever since we got married, and while I've put on 20 pounds in a year, he dropped 15. We also eat at restaurants about four times a week, and when I was single, I only did that like four times a month. We just celebrated our one year anniversary and even though I've lost some weight, I'm still 20-25 pounds heavier than when we met. I've been on a weight loss journey, and it's sometimes tough because he's constantly bringing home sweets and having friends over who order pizza and bring sweets and booze.
I've started a new thing and it's working. When we eat together, if I'm hungry I eat half of what he does. Now I'm losing weight and he's putting it back on. (He's 6 feet and 170 pounds, so he can afford to gain.)
Newlywed weight is real and a menace. Can't weight to drop it just like I dropped the freshman 15. Just remember that there are sometimes that we gain weight and it's our body telling us we need it (pregnancy, puberty, hormonal changes) and sometimes we gain weight because of situations that have nothing to do with our natural metabolism (getting married, changing to a desk job, the freshman 15) and situational weight gain is much easier and healthier to reverse if you catch it in time.0 -
nvm lol0
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There's no such thing as "your other half". You're a whole person. He is a whole person and you can only live for yourself, not someone else. You can only change yourself and not someone else. If he's being inconsiderate it's something you should discuss, not repress your unhappiness about it and resent him for it. Hopefully with good communication and respectful appreciation a happy compromise can be reached. If he's purposely trying to sabotage you because of he's not willing to face his own dietary habits that's something that needs to come out into the open before it can be addressed. If he's just not mindful of the fact that it's making things more difficult for you that too needs to be addressed before it can be changed. Talk about it. HTH.1
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I am 220lbs and maintain at 3500-4000 calories, my girlfriend is 140lbs and maintains at 1900 calories.
We either cook together and split the portions appropriately or cook our own meals. There is no issue from either party.
OP if you want to maintain weight at the same calorie intake as your husband then I would advise gaining 100+lbs.2 -
There's no such thing as "your other half". You're a whole person. He is a whole person and you can only live for yourself, not someone else. You can only change yourself and not someone else. If he's being inconsiderate it's something you should discuss, not repress your unhappiness about it and resent him for it. Hopefully with good communication and respectful appreciation a happy compromise can be reached. If he's purposely trying to sabotage you because of he's not willing to face his own dietary habits that's something that needs to come out into the open before it can be addressed. If he's just not mindful of the fact that it's making things more difficult for you that too needs to be addressed before it can be changed. Talk about it. HTH.
Yes. There is. At least that's the way it should be. When that other person makes you feel complete and without them you feel a hole in your life, that is your other half. This does not mean you live "for" that other person. It means they are an essential part of your life much like the air you breathe. You can argue that "it shouldn't be that way" and that we should feel complete on our own, but that's not how it works. Unless you happen to be a person who has become embittered from having been burned by a bad relationship. At that point a person may very likely feel determined to find a feeling of completion with out another person.0 -
ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »
Yes. There is. At least that's the way it should be. When that other person makes you feel complete and without them you feel a hole in your life, that is your other half. You can argue that "it shouldn't be that way" and that we should feel complete on our own, but that's not how it works. Unless you happen to be a person who has become embittered from having been burned by a bad relationship. At that point a person may very likely feel determined to find a feeling of completion with out another person.
I believe the person said/ meant that the husband and wife together make a whole person.0 -
Nope. They said, "There is no such thing as your other half."ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »
Yes. There is. At least that's the way it should be. When that other person makes you feel complete and without them you feel a hole in your life, that is your other half. You can argue that "it shouldn't be that way" and that we should feel complete on our own, but that's not how it works. Unless you happen to be a person who has become embittered from having been burned by a bad relationship. At that point a person may very likely feel determined to find a feeling of completion with out another person.
I believe the person said/ meant that the husband and wife together make a whole person.0 -
There's no such thing as "your other half". You're a whole person. He is a whole person and you can only live for yourself, not someone else. You can only change yourself and not someone else. If he's being inconsiderate it's something you should discuss, not repress your unhappiness about it and resent him for it. Hopefully with good communication and respectful appreciation a happy compromise can be reached. If he's purposely trying to sabotage you because of he's not willing to face his own dietary habits that's something that needs to come out into the open before it can be addressed. If he's just not mindful of the fact that it's making things more difficult for you that too needs to be addressed before it can be changed. Talk about it. HTH.
Of course there is your other half. She's just referring to the other person in her relationship. Doesn't mean they aren't separate people, but the two of them make the relationship.
But that being said. You (OP) are looking at it all wrong, and are under some assumption that your way is the only and correct way to eat. He seems to be doing fine with his eating and not gaining weight, and he's not resenting anyone because he figured out away to have the foods he likes, and still maintain his weight. Maybe not having such a restrictive diet on your part would help you in the long run if it's so hard for you to resist those foods? You just have to realize food doesn't always correlate to ones overall health. If he is eating healthy well balanced meals, and also having his snacks, and soda while still burning it all off, then he's doing a pretty damn good job. Now chances are when he gets older he might have to adjust that, but that's a future conversation. So I would say stop projecting your hunger issues on him.2
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