Unmotivated Spouse
Replies
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CattOfTheGarage wrote: »christinecoffeebean wrote: »It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.
Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us
1. Compromise
I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.
2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night
3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him
5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)
6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.
I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding?
I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".
Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.
Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
My friend's husband does nothing too
These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves
But why would you enable it? There's no way I'd be babying a grown human being. Fecklessness is not cute. Sure, you do each other favours and make up for each other's weaknesses, but if one partner is such a passenger that the other is on the Internet talking about them as if they were a toddler, something is wrong and a talk needs to be had.
I hear you @SierraFatToSkinny - this happens in both genders. But it is the wives I so often see talking about how to "manage" their husbands and talking as if they were dumb and incapable and need to be catered to rather than told to grow up and pull their weight. Perhaps husbands of feckless wives just enable in silence, I don't know. But if I were a man I would hate this. Heck, I'm not a man and I still hate it. It's a terrible example for kids, too, boys or girls.3 -
mrsloganlife wrote: »Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works
Does he like white potatoes but not sweet? White have unfairly received a bad rep. In fact, there was a study that had them as # 1 for satiating foods.
My OH loves white and is not crazy about sweet but will eat them (and carrots) when they are part of roasted root veggies. When I was experimenting with new root veggies like beets and parsnips to see if I wanted to add them to my diet, I always made sure there was plenty of white available for him.
We have sweet potatoes because I like them, not because I believe they are a lot healthier than white.0 -
SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".
Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.
Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.
Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.
That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)
Yep
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Sorry but I can't get past the fact that you haven't considered that he might be shellshocked by your diagnosis, and maybe just feels that right now losing weight is not his top priority? I understand you want to do this together, but maybe he just can't right now? I don't think that would be selfish or unmotivated, I think it would just be human nature.1
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Yes, unfortunately you can't really force someone in to a lifestyle change - I know it can be frustrating when you're so excited and motivated, and you want others to be as well, but that's just life ;p
However, you can do YOUR best and that might really inspire your husband. I know that all my healthy habits really impress my boyfriend and he's even picked up quite a few of them over time + says how inspiring I am! Just focus on your own goals
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It's hard whenever spouses don't support your positive life changes. But, saying that, you can make your goals.
I highly advise to drop any expectations you have of him making changes, and just accept that at this point he isn't ready. You will of course support him whenever he does make good changes or compliments you or tries kale or whatever. And don't be resentful of him.
You can do this. You have a community here which can be support and we're here all the time. You don't need to have your husband do this with you...you can do it yourself, you can find a tai chi group at the park, you can go to the YMCA. Some people really do thrive finding a group or buddy to partner with but sometimes a family member is not the way.0 -
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mrsloganlife wrote: »Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?
My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!
We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.
It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.
I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.
I'm confused-why can't you lose weight on your own? Not trying to be harsh here, but you gained the weight and it's on you to lose it.
Back when I got my prediabetes diagnoses, was the time I got my head out of my *kitten* and manned up to the reality of my situation. I had gained the extra weight and I needed to take care of it. My husband was not part of the equation at all.
You know what you need to do, so do it. Don't rely on others or focus on what your husband is or is not doing. You can only control the outcome for one person-yourself.0 -
SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".
Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.
Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.
Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.
That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)
Yep
Yup, my OH recently changed the light plate for the bathroom to one that collects fingerprints, and I was irritatedly rubbing them off this AM he said, "THAT bothers you but the kitchen does not?"
(Of course, his expectations for the kitchen are COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE
) 4 -
perkymommy wrote: »
Oh, I know how annoying I am, don't worry. Some of us are painfully aware.
For the record, I am a member of the Toilet Seat Equality League. I don't see why men should have to raise it and put it down while women never have to touch it. Just leave it the way it is when you're finished and then that's fair for everyone.2 -
CattOfTheGarage wrote: »christinecoffeebean wrote: »It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.
Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us
1. Compromise
I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.
2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night
3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him
5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)
6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.
I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding?
I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".
Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.
It smacks of manipulation to me. Not all of it, but things like you mentioned, hiding, removing choice, and making it such that he'll be hungry for dinner. Personally, I'd find it very disrespectful if my partner did that to me without discussing it with me first.
Also, there is a significant difference in taste between skim milk and whole milk. After drinking skim milk for years, I tried whole milk, and wow is there a difference. Not everyone might notice it, though.SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".
Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.
Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.
Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.
That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)
Yep
I never understood the whole toilet seat thing. Are women so incapable of putting the seat down when it's up? My partner leaves it down but that's only because it is painful for me to put it down. And the few times he forgets, it's no hardship other than the pain which most women wouldn't experience.
With regards to the OP:
I'm so glad you talked and managed to reach a good solution! Communication really is the key.2 -
So sorry for your health situation, OP. It's wonderful that you recognize the importance of doing what you can to help manage it.
I agree with some of the other posters that with such a recent diagnosis, you are both dealing with some difficult emotions. I wouldn't be quick to judge anyone's behavior right now.
But the main thought I had about your post is that we *all* pretty much have to do this alone. No one else shares our particular calorie goals, dietary needs, or health situation. It's up to us to make the choices we need to make for ourselves alone. My hubby is on MFP and we are both actively trying to lose weight at the moment, so in that sense, we are on the same page. But he is a very active, healthy, strong man who lifts weights and I am a rather sedentary woman with a variety of health issues. His calorie allowance is over 1000 calories more than mine. It's not reasonable to think we're going to make the same choices. I make a healthy dinner for the family based on my basic needs, and he supplements with lots of other things, some of it "junk". This past weekend, he ate his way through an XL supreme take-out pizza & a couple of bowls of ice cream, in addition to the asparagus, lean meats, & veg soup we ate at other times. I don't find that to be a threat to my well-being or a lack of support... I just have to make my own choices with my own limitations in mind. While I hope your husband will offer you his full support moving forward, I don't think that necessarily would entail eating the exact same diet.
Wish both of you the best as you tackle these challenges!3 -
Everyone will have their own rate of change they want to take on. Don't concern yourself with the things you have no control over. He will adapt as he can, just as will as you can.
There are just as many posts on here with partners frustrated that their significant others are losing faster than they are.0 -
This is seriously off topic. (Sorry OP!)
But everyone I've ever lived with has put the toilet seat down. Including the lid.
It keeps the toilet water in the bowl when you flush.... Instead of in the air and on your toothbrush.3 -
SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »This is seriously off topic. (Sorry OP!)
But everyone I've ever lived with has put the toilet seat down. Including the lid.
It keeps the toilet water in the bowl when you flush.... Instead of in the air and on your toothbrush.
Well, there is that, of course.0 -
My wife and I have different eating habits... it sounds like it's a you thing and you're having trouble watching him eat something different. Don't be so dependent upon him and take this on, on your own.2
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SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »This is seriously off topic. (Sorry OP!)
But everyone I've ever lived with has put the toilet seat down. Including the lid.
It keeps the toilet water in the bowl when you flush.... Instead of in the air and on your toothbrush.
This.
But the other answer is that when you go to pee half asleep at 3am, the consequence of a man failing to notice that the seat is down is (maybe) a little mess that's easily wiped up. The consequence of a woman failing to notice that the seat is up is a very rude awakening as she sits in the toilet water.
But, yeah, solve the inequality by making *everyone* put seat and lid down every time, and the 3am issue disappears because everyone will have the right muscle memory to get the toilet how they need it without thinking.4 -
He's not into it then it's hard to push it. It's the same situation with my wife. fast forward after 6 years. then this get better, she gets into it but should i push it too hard then it might break our relationship... be patient0
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SusanMFindlay wrote: »The consequence of a woman failing to notice that the seat is up is a very rude awakening as she sits in the toilet water.
Your behind is clearly smaller than mine. I get wedged before I reach the actual water. This is a hazard of weight loss that I had not previously considered.3 -
CattOfTheGarage wrote: »christinecoffeebean wrote: »It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.
Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us
1. Compromise
I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.
2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night
3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him
5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)
6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.
I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding?
I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".
Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.
Thank you.
Can he not cook for himself if he doesn't like it?0 -
SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »This is seriously off topic. (Sorry OP!)
But everyone I've ever lived with has put the toilet seat down. Including the lid.
It keeps the toilet water in the bowl when you flush.... Instead of in the air and on your toothbrush.
It also keeps the dog and cat - yes, I had a cat that liked to drink from the bowl - out of it.1 -
SierraFatToSkinny wrote: »This is seriously off topic. (Sorry OP!)
But everyone I've ever lived with has put the toilet seat down. Including the lid.
It keeps the toilet water in the bowl when you flush.... Instead of in the air and on your toothbrush.
This is our house, too. And, IMO, the most reasonable solution. Then everyone must operate the toilet seat every time they use it - fair for everyone.0
This discussion has been closed.
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