Unmotivated Spouse

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  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,750 Member
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    Chadxx wrote: »
    Also, I can assure you that the quickest way to keep a man from doing something is try and force him to do it.

    This just applies to human beings in general, in my experience.
  • christinecoffeebean
    christinecoffeebean Posts: 30 Member
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    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
  • size102b
    size102b Posts: 1,370 Member
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    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible

    Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding? :s

    I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".

    Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.

    Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
    My friend's husband does nothing too
    These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    CoachJen71 wrote: »
    I am so sorry for all your struggles!

    My hubby jumped on board after I started really being successful...

    Yeah, mine started to get back into fitness after he saw my results. He was a slow starter at first. Now we are gym buddies and he's introduced me to mountain biking. I still do individual things - like my long trail runs - on my own, but we are very supportive and encouraging to one another and always eat dinner together (no complaints on anything I serve - he's just happy to be eating food he didn't have to cook himself.)

    Maybe you just need to go on and do your thing without him. Your good habits might just rub off on him over time. And even if it doesn't, you'll still be doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good luck! <3

  • FatPorkyChop
    FatPorkyChop Posts: 83 Member
    edited March 2017
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    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
    size102b wrote: »
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible

    Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding? :s

    I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".

    Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.

    Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
    My friend's husband does nothing too
    These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves

    I could not agree more. Now that I have a baby, its even more obvious.. my husband is just additional chores to me


  • samhennings
    samhennings Posts: 441 Member
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    Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works ;)

    Im really glad you spoke to each other, so many couples dont.

    This theme comes up all the time on here, and its one I tend to disagree with.

    I get it, its great to have someone with you on this (fitness journey), going through it with you, helping motivate each other etc.

    However, its YOUR journey, for YOU. ("YOU" as in the general, not "YOU" as in mrsloganlife!).

    You have to go down the path, no one can do it for you. You have to discover all there is about yourself, you have to put the work in, and you get the benefit. You do have to do it for yourself.

    Its fantastic if someone else is on their own journey, and at times it intersects with yours to both your benefit, but ultimately it is a personal thing to the individual.

    It sounds a lot like your husband has the intent, but isnt ready yet - while you are. I would say you just keep going, for yourself, and suspect in time your example will help him get on the path.
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
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    Sometimes you just have to walk your own path and do what it right for you. You might be ready to get healthy, but he might not be there yet. My partner has MS and I REALLY want him to be more active because it's important for his health. I've tried running and weight training with him but it's just not his thing. He likes to walk (and play guitar while jumping around), and I like to run. So he walks everyday and sometimes I walk with him. I help him stretch when his muscles are feeling tight and when he feels like trying weight exercises I workout withhim. We support each other's differences in fitness approach but do what's right for us.

    Thankfully he is weight concious, and I do most of the cooking, so he eats what I plan for us. He's also not a complainer so he never gripes about the food I cook, but I try to pay attention his reaction to each meal and put the meals he likes into regular rotation.

    In long term relationships support doesn't always mean the other person is doing exactly what you are doing.Sometimes it means stepping back and giving the other person space to do their thing and being the safe place for them to come back to at the end of the day.
  • SierraFatToSkinny
    SierraFatToSkinny Posts: 463 Member
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    To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".

    Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.

    Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.

    Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.


    That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
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    Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?

    My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!

    We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.

    It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.

    I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.

    Just keep at it on your own. If he isn't motivated then you can't do it for him. I am on this journey alone. My husband still eats stuff that I would like to eat sometimes but don't. I try not to let it bother me. I don't like prepped meals myself so I can see where he might turn his nose up at that lol. But bottom line is - I am only responsible for my body and my health. Keep on keeping on and he will see you are doing well and get back on track probably.
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,750 Member
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    size102b wrote: »
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible

    Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding? :s

    I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".

    Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.

    Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
    My friend's husband does nothing too
    These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves

    But why would you enable it? There's no way I'd be babying a grown human being. Fecklessness is not cute. Sure, you do each other favours and make up for each other's weaknesses, but if one partner is such a passenger that the other is on the Internet talking about them as if they were a toddler, something is wrong and a talk needs to be had.

    I hear you @SierraFatToSkinny - this happens in both genders. But it is the wives I so often see talking about how to "manage" their husbands and talking as if they were dumb and incapable and need to be catered to rather than told to grow up and pull their weight. Perhaps husbands of feckless wives just enable in silence, I don't know. But if I were a man I would hate this. Heck, I'm not a man and I still hate it. It's a terrible example for kids, too, boys or girls.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
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    Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works ;)

    Does he like white potatoes but not sweet? White have unfairly received a bad rep. In fact, there was a study that had them as # 1 for satiating foods.

    My OH loves white and is not crazy about sweet but will eat them (and carrots) when they are part of roasted root veggies. When I was experimenting with new root veggies like beets and parsnips to see if I wanted to add them to my diet, I always made sure there was plenty of white available for him.

    We have sweet potatoes because I like them, not because I believe they are a lot healthier than white.
  • lindymacl
    lindymacl Posts: 15 Member
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    Sorry but I can't get past the fact that you haven't considered that he might be shellshocked by your diagnosis, and maybe just feels that right now losing weight is not his top priority? I understand you want to do this together, but maybe he just can't right now? I don't think that would be selfish or unmotivated, I think it would just be human nature.
  • Snowdusk
    Snowdusk Posts: 36 Member
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    Yes, unfortunately you can't really force someone in to a lifestyle change - I know it can be frustrating when you're so excited and motivated, and you want others to be as well, but that's just life ;p
    However, you can do YOUR best and that might really inspire your husband. I know that all my healthy habits really impress my boyfriend and he's even picked up quite a few of them over time + says how inspiring I am! Just focus on your own goals :)
  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
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    It's hard whenever spouses don't support your positive life changes. But, saying that, you can make your goals.

    I highly advise to drop any expectations you have of him making changes, and just accept that at this point he isn't ready. You will of course support him whenever he does make good changes or compliments you or tries kale or whatever. And don't be resentful of him.

    You can do this. You have a community here which can be support and we're here all the time. You don't need to have your husband do this with you...you can do it yourself, you can find a tai chi group at the park, you can go to the YMCA. Some people really do thrive finding a group or buddy to partner with but sometimes a family member is not the way.
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
    edited March 2017
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    Chadxx wrote: »

    Yep

    plg6m5fo4klf.jpg

    :D:D So true! Funny how the female species rarely notices the annoying things they do.
  • crzycatlady1
    crzycatlady1 Posts: 1,930 Member
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    Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?

    My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!

    We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.

    It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.

    I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.

    I'm confused-why can't you lose weight on your own? Not trying to be harsh here, but you gained the weight and it's on you to lose it.

    Back when I got my prediabetes diagnoses, was the time I got my head out of my *kitten* and manned up to the reality of my situation. I had gained the extra weight and I needed to take care of it. My husband was not part of the equation at all.

    You know what you need to do, so do it. Don't rely on others or focus on what your husband is or is not doing. You can only control the outcome for one person-yourself.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
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    Chadxx wrote: »
    To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".

    Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.

    Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.

    Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.


    That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)

    Yep

    plg6m5fo4klf.jpg

    Yup, my OH recently changed the light plate for the bathroom to one that collects fingerprints, and I was irritatedly rubbing them off this AM he said, "THAT bothers you but the kitchen does not?"

    (Of course, his expectations for the kitchen are COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE :lol: )
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,750 Member
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    perkymommy wrote: »
    Chadxx wrote: »

    Yep

    plg6m5fo4klf.jpg

    :D:D So true! Funny how the female species rarely notices the annoying things they do.

    Oh, I know how annoying I am, don't worry. Some of us are painfully aware.

    For the record, I am a member of the Toilet Seat Equality League. I don't see why men should have to raise it and put it down while women never have to touch it. Just leave it the way it is when you're finished and then that's fair for everyone.