Unmotivated Spouse

mrsloganlife
mrsloganlife Posts: 158 Member
edited November 16 in Health and Weight Loss
Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?

My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!

We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.

It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.

I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.
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Replies

  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
    You are stronger than you think, you don't NEED him to be with you on this. You can do it!

    It does make it easier but it's so hard to make someone do something they aren't ready to do. I speak from all the times my fit husband tried to get me to do various activities with him and I didn't want to.

    Take a few bites of his Chipotle if you don't want to eat that and satisfy your taste buds.

    As he sees your progress and strength he may follow.
  • size102b
    size102b Posts: 1,370 Member
    edited March 2017
    You have to do this for yourself and let your husband do what he prefers I'm doing this alone my husband would never cut back like I do and he could do with getting 30 lbs off but hey he's happy I fancy him and he's healthy so I do all this for me
    I do all the shopping cooking everything in the house I make all the meals except breakfast 3 children myself and my husband I prepare him high calories foods I love but it doesn't bother me as my health is more important to me.

    I'd give up leave him to it just show him how successful you are by just doing and not speaking about your new lifestyle

    At the end of the day in life we are alone and only we can do these things
    He doesn't want to so leave him to it I'm positive when he sees a slinkier you and hears people complementing you hell rethink
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
    edited March 2017
    Do what you need to do. He can get in board or keep slacking- that's up to him.

    My husband kinda half tried for a minute but then beer, video games, smoking, and pizza I guess we're just more enjoyable to him than healthy eating and the gym.

    Meanwhile I've continued eating well, hitting my calories and macros, and hitting the gym regularly, and lost almost all the weight.

    It sucks I know, it would be way more fun and easy to do together, but some people just aren't ready.

    The dinner thing is annoying though- if you're bothering to make it he damn well better eat it! If he wants to eat junk he can do it on his own time.
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,745 Member
    edited March 2017
    mrsloganlife wrote: »
    Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works ;)

    That's awesome! (or "arsing" according to autocorrect).

    With that happy news I will now attempt to go belatedly to sleep.
  • Chadxx
    Chadxx Posts: 1,199 Member
    Glad to hear that y'all talked it out. That was exactly what needed to happen. Weight loss is a very individual thing and something each person must commit to on their own. Also, I can assure you that the quickest way to keep a man from doing something is try and force him to do it. You do you and if it is something he is willing to commit to, he will eventually follow you.
  • newheavensearth
    newheavensearth Posts: 870 Member
    Two thoughts:

    1. Maybe hubby is backing of from weight loss plans to take time to process your diagnosis. Men deal with hardship and grieve things in very different ways than women. Seeming to rebel and withdrawal are some. I'm very sorry about your diagnosis, but taking care of your health is a priority now, with or without his support.

    2. He might be ready, but just not to do things your way. He might not like the same foods as you or C25K. My hubby has to start losing weight due to health issues and told his dr he'd follow my plan. But, he won't exercise (I love it) and he says MFP, weighing, measuring, and meal prep is too much work (essential to me). So I guess he won't follow my plan; he needs to find his own and I respect that. Your husband might also need to be left alone to find what works for him in terms of food plan and exercise.

    Best wishes to both of you.
  • ogtmama
    ogtmama Posts: 1,403 Member
    edited March 2017
    As a former smoker and drinker who lives with a smoking drinker I have to say that you've got to do it for yourself...the best you can hope for is that they will see how happy you are in your new life and that a they will want the same for themself.

    Also, Chipotle salads/bowls sans cheese and sour cream are not TOO rough on the calorie bank account.

    Good luck
  • CattOfTheGarage
    CattOfTheGarage Posts: 2,745 Member
    Chadxx wrote: »
    Also, I can assure you that the quickest way to keep a man from doing something is try and force him to do it.

    This just applies to human beings in general, in my experience.
  • christinecoffeebean
    christinecoffeebean Posts: 30 Member
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
  • size102b
    size102b Posts: 1,370 Member
    CattOfTheGarage wrote: »
    christinecoffeebean wrote: »
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible

    Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding? :s

    I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".

    Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.

    Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
    My friend's husband does nothing too
    These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    CoachJen71 wrote: »
    I am so sorry for all your struggles!

    My hubby jumped on board after I started really being successful...

    Yeah, mine started to get back into fitness after he saw my results. He was a slow starter at first. Now we are gym buddies and he's introduced me to mountain biking. I still do individual things - like my long trail runs - on my own, but we are very supportive and encouraging to one another and always eat dinner together (no complaints on anything I serve - he's just happy to be eating food he didn't have to cook himself.)

    Maybe you just need to go on and do your thing without him. Your good habits might just rub off on him over time. And even if it doesn't, you'll still be doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good luck! <3

  • FatPorkyChop
    FatPorkyChop Posts: 83 Member
    edited March 2017
    christinecoffeebean wrote: »
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible
    size102b wrote: »
    CattOfTheGarage wrote: »
    christinecoffeebean wrote: »
    It sucks he is being a drag. I have recently got my previously sedentary and junk food loving husband on board the fitness bandwagon. He's now losing weight and exercising with me at the gym three times a week.

    Do not be discouraged, but it took awhile to get here and it will for you guys too no doubt. Here are the things that worked for us

    1. Compromise
    I understand my husband has different tastes and whilst I try to cater to him there is no WAY I am making a separate meal. So I compromise: he doesn't like sweet potato or kale, so his side dish might be a jacket potato and broccoli, cauliflower, corn or carrots which he likes. He only enjoys one type of lettuce, iceberg, so that is the lettuce I buy and he will eat it without complaint.

    2. If I'm eating salmon (which he hates) he will have crumbed fish. Not the healthiest option, but we are both eating fish that night

    3. Keep it simple. Some men like my husband like meat and three veg. Mix it up a bit; steak one night, home made rissoles the next with tonnes of side veggies that you both enjoy. The grater is your friend! Hubby hates zucchini, guess who grates zucchini into spaghetti mince, meatballs, rissoles even burgers??? But keep it simple when it comes to food, don't stray to different textures and tastes that are too much e.g I will never incorporate feta, avocado, eggplant or tofu into our meals. It's too foreign for him

    5. They can adapt quite easy when you take away choice from simple everyday items where taste is not compromised. Hubby now drinks skim milk in his coffee and has learned to like multigrain bread (still likes white, so some weeks we buy white and that's ok)

    6. You will have a huge impact if you pack his lunch for work every day. My husband liked to buy his lunch every day and had zero self control: burgers, chips and gravy, schnitzel subs, Chinese, you name it! He now has two sandwiches with ham cheese and salami on multigrain, a small container of nuts to snack on and some fruit. Not earth shattering superfoods but nonetheless healthier enough that it's significantly decreased his calorie intake plus he's usually hungrier at dinner now and therefore less picky.

    I hope this helps. It took 8 year of watching him take advantage of his high metabolism and abuse his body. He now eats a lot healthier, works out and seems to have better energy. You won't overhaul his lifestyle in a week a month or even a year. Compromise, sneak veggies in and pack his lunch where possible

    Is this a husband or a toddler you are feeding? :s

    I realise different couples work in different ways, but when it comes to grown human beings I would always recommend having an honest conversation rather than sneaking, hiding or "taking away choice".

    Can only imagine how MFPers of the male persuasion feel when reading a post like that. I'd be humiliated if it were me.

    Sadly lots men are like children I married one who does nothing in the house or food wise
    My friend's husband does nothing too
    These are mummy's boys weren't taught how to fend for themselves

    I could not agree more. Now that I have a baby, its even more obvious.. my husband is just additional chores to me


  • samhennings
    samhennings Posts: 441 Member
    mrsloganlife wrote: »
    Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works ;)

    Im really glad you spoke to each other, so many couples dont.

    This theme comes up all the time on here, and its one I tend to disagree with.

    I get it, its great to have someone with you on this (fitness journey), going through it with you, helping motivate each other etc.

    However, its YOUR journey, for YOU. ("YOU" as in the general, not "YOU" as in mrsloganlife!).

    You have to go down the path, no one can do it for you. You have to discover all there is about yourself, you have to put the work in, and you get the benefit. You do have to do it for yourself.

    Its fantastic if someone else is on their own journey, and at times it intersects with yours to both your benefit, but ultimately it is a personal thing to the individual.

    It sounds a lot like your husband has the intent, but isnt ready yet - while you are. I would say you just keep going, for yourself, and suspect in time your example will help him get on the path.
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
    Sometimes you just have to walk your own path and do what it right for you. You might be ready to get healthy, but he might not be there yet. My partner has MS and I REALLY want him to be more active because it's important for his health. I've tried running and weight training with him but it's just not his thing. He likes to walk (and play guitar while jumping around), and I like to run. So he walks everyday and sometimes I walk with him. I help him stretch when his muscles are feeling tight and when he feels like trying weight exercises I workout withhim. We support each other's differences in fitness approach but do what's right for us.

    Thankfully he is weight concious, and I do most of the cooking, so he eats what I plan for us. He's also not a complainer so he never gripes about the food I cook, but I try to pay attention his reaction to each meal and put the meals he likes into regular rotation.

    In long term relationships support doesn't always mean the other person is doing exactly what you are doing.Sometimes it means stepping back and giving the other person space to do their thing and being the safe place for them to come back to at the end of the day.
  • SierraFatToSkinny
    SierraFatToSkinny Posts: 463 Member
    To be fair to the guys, a lot of women let their husbands be their "daddy".

    Oil changes and adding gas to the vehicle and letting him drive them. Men are more likely to stand in the cold to deice the car windshield or to do labor intensive work around the house.

    Basic things women are perfectly capable of doing. But gets shuffled off into "his" job.

    Men also tend to work more often and longer hours.


    That being said... not married! So I don't really know what it's like. However... my last boyfriend seemed to be a hypochondriac compared to me. And I currently live with a guy (housemate) who never even considered cleaning a toilet. And he leaves his beard clippings all over the sink. He's just generally messy and low key gross.... This is cathartic. (But he's a real mensch... in all honesty I don't have much to complain about regarding him.)
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
    mrsloganlife wrote: »
    Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?

    My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!

    We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.

    It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.

    I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.

    Just keep at it on your own. If he isn't motivated then you can't do it for him. I am on this journey alone. My husband still eats stuff that I would like to eat sometimes but don't. I try not to let it bother me. I don't like prepped meals myself so I can see where he might turn his nose up at that lol. But bottom line is - I am only responsible for my body and my health. Keep on keeping on and he will see you are doing well and get back on track probably.
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