Unmotivated Spouse
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mrsloganlife
Posts: 158 Member
Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?
My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!
We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.
It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.
I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.
My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!
We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.
It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.
I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.
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Replies
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I can't help with the not being alone part. You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. I know how sucky it is; my husband is also unmotivated. It hurts when you need someone and they can't be bothered.
All I have for advice is if he doesn't like what you cook, he can fend for himself.26 -
Just a thought... Maybe your diagnosis has hit him hard, but he's trying to be strong for you. Give him some time, he'll come around.13
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mrsloganlife wrote: »Slightly me just venting, slightly...what can I do?
My husband and I are supposed to be on this weight journey together. He talks the talk but he does not walk the walk. I meal prep for both of us and go over every meal with him. But then when I get ready to make the meal he wrinkles his nose. I know I can eat heathy on my own but that is hard when then a Chipotle burrito is staring you in the face!
We were doing C25K together. He is on week 4. I am on week 6. I try and get him to work out, walk the dogs, but he doesn't.
It has gotten worse since I got diagnosed with MS 2 weeks ago. Now for me my quality of life really depends on me losing weight...and I need him with me on this. He hasn't even looked at the treadmill since I got home from the hospital. And his comments on our meals have gotten worse since I am incorporating more seafood and root veggies.
I'm just at a loss now. Love him to death but I can't do this alone and right now I feel so alone.
i know how you feel i have the similar problem . you have to lead by example when he is ready he will do it but you can not make him. you need to think of your own health first and try to ignore his .6 -
I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles but just to give you some support, I know how it is and if your DH won't make the effort, do it anyway! His support would be wonderful but if he can't give it, do it for you and let him get on with it. He'll either buck up when he sees you are doing this for you or he'll continue on his unhealthy path.
You CAN do this alone, I know because I've done it. I have a chronic very painful health condition and a spouse that would rather stuff his face and eat junk that go to the gym with me and eat healthily but I can only be responsible for me totally and him only up to a point.
I know how alone you must feel and I know it hurts if they aren't supportive but that's their loss. You get out there and do it for you! Don't nag him as that'll only make him dig his heels in more, just shrug and let him get on with it eating his burritos in front of the TV while you go to the gym.
If you lead by example and leave him to his own devices, my guess is he will get on board once he sees how great you feel and look.
One thing though, I'd give it one more try and ask him if there is anything in particular you have been serving that he really doesn't like and get his input on what he would enjoy in a healthier meal, that might make a difference if he feels you are doing everything you can to make healthy meals enjoyable for him. I'd also keep quiet on various changes you've made to the meals in your enthusiasm if that's what's happening. Example '' oh this looks so good and I used hardly any fat to make it, this is low fat sour cream, low fat cheese...' etc etc. If you do that I find my DH reacts negatively expecting the food to be lacking in some way so I just matter of factly serve it up and not mention anything about any changes I've made to avoid him feeling deprived.
I wish you luck my dear and remember, you CAN do this alone if you have to!5 -
I am so sorry for all your struggles!
My hubby jumped on board after I started really being successful. I don't make meals any more. I batch cook meat (or hubby grills some,) and everyone is in charge of their own food. We have different caloric needs, so there are always times when he and the boys get to eat food I can't fit in. Most of the time I don't care because I love my menu. (Restaurant eating is still tough for me, tho.)5 -
You are stronger than you think, you don't NEED him to be with you on this. You can do it!
It does make it easier but it's so hard to make someone do something they aren't ready to do. I speak from all the times my fit husband tried to get me to do various activities with him and I didn't want to.
Take a few bites of his Chipotle if you don't want to eat that and satisfy your taste buds.
As he sees your progress and strength he may follow.2 -
This is where your MS diagnosis and your health trumps all else regardless. There is one thing that you cannot do and that is push another person specifically your SO into doing this with you. While it seems that you and your spouse would always be completely 100% together on everything in your lives, sometimes that is not so.
What you do, is take care of you. Set your goals, plan routine to exercise, plan your meals and and if he does not want to exercise together, or eat the same meals as you, he can do this on his own accord. I tried the nagging thing, it never worked for me..
What I found out was my health and my weight loss goals were all mine to bear and no one elses. In the end, mine jumped on board, he saw results I was getting, etc..and he wanted in too.
I predict that once you get going on your journey start seeing results he will jump on board, or he won't. What I always say is "you do you"..11 -
I'm in a similar position with my fiance. We started on 1/15/17, and he was very focused about staying on track. In the first 4 weeks he lost 15 lbs, and was super motivated to continue. After Valentines Day, though, he gained a couple pounds (most likely from water retention), and now he's letting the cravings control him. He stopped caring. He will eat what I make him, but he will go out and get whatever he is craving on top of that.
I don't count his calories, but I portion his meals so he should be at a deficit while still being filling and tasty. I'm finding new and yummy recipes for dinners since our lunches are prepped ahead of time and can be a bit repetitious.
He loves throwing around the term "cheat day". But for him, a cheat day is a weekend, and maybe a rough night after work, and maybe just because. I try and eat a little less when I know we are going out on the weekend, I plan small indulgences so I don't feel deprived. I work out a bit more to give myself some wiggle room.
I will cheer on any weight that he may lose, but I don't make a big deal about it anymore. I'm going to lose weight for me. We are going to Washington DC at the end of September for a Transformer convention (yup, the transforming robots....he collects a lot of the high end figures), and I want to look and feel good when we go. I want to be able to walk the city and not have to sit at every bench, I don't want my knees to hurt all the time, and I don't want to miss out on something because I'm too tired/worn out.5 -
You can lead a horse to water.....9
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You have to do this for yourself and let your husband do what he prefers I'm doing this alone my husband would never cut back like I do and he could do with getting 30 lbs off but hey he's happy I fancy him and he's healthy so I do all this for me
I do all the shopping cooking everything in the house I make all the meals except breakfast 3 children myself and my husband I prepare him high calories foods I love but it doesn't bother me as my health is more important to me.
I'd give up leave him to it just show him how successful you are by just doing and not speaking about your new lifestyle
At the end of the day in life we are alone and only we can do these things
He doesn't want to so leave him to it I'm positive when he sees a slinkier you and hears people complementing you hell rethink2 -
Leave him. I mean, just leave him to his doing. I had to do that with my husband unfortunately. I was in the weight loss journey with my mom until she moved out. Then it was me for a majority of it. Husband has been less than helpful, so I don't bother. The hubby got fatter, and I'm still on my way to good health.5
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What is it you need from him?
Do you need him to lose weight successfully in order for you to do so? If so, you will need to work through that and leave it behind. You cannot hang your goals on someone else being successful at theirs. And if I felt anyone else was leaning on me in that way, it would put an unbearable amount of pressure on me and I would really struggle with it, possibly to the extent of self sabotage.
Do you need him to encourage and cheerlead? That's more manageable. My husband does not need to lose weight, but he has an account on myfitnesspal purely to allow him to see my notifications and like/comment on them encouragingly. It's immensely helpful. Perhaps your husband could help you in a similar way if you asked him to, and perhaps if you asked for that, it would take the pressure off him in terms of his own goals.
At the end of the day, someone is either ready to change their lifestyle, or they aren't, and in fairness, straight after your wife has had a major diagnosis is probably not a great time to turn your whole lifestyle around. In that way, the diagnosis may be having quite a different effect on each of you - for you, it's a powerful motivation to improve your health. For him, it's a big change which is stressful and places a requirement on him to support you and makes him probably less able to make other major changes to his life, not more.
And if I were him, I would feel bad and awkward expressing any of this and would try to keep it down and play along with the healthy living project in order to support you, but because I really wasn't in a good place to tackle it I would not be motivated and then I would feel guilty and frustrated and all these feelings might leak out in the form of grousing about unfamiliar food at dinner time.
I don't know your husband so I just can't tell if this is anything like what he's feeling, but it's possible. I think a heart to heart is what's needed, and an expression of the fact that you don't need him to do it with you (because you don't - honestly!) but you need him to support you in it. To encourage you. To tell you you're doing great and compliment you on your good choices. But it's OK for him to tackle his own health in his own time, and it's OK for him to have butter on his potatoes like he always used to have before everything changed.
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Do what you need to do. He can get in board or keep slacking- that's up to him.
My husband kinda half tried for a minute but then beer, video games, smoking, and pizza I guess we're just more enjoyable to him than healthy eating and the gym.
Meanwhile I've continued eating well, hitting my calories and macros, and hitting the gym regularly, and lost almost all the weight.
It sucks I know, it would be way more fun and easy to do together, but some people just aren't ready.
The dinner thing is annoying though- if you're bothering to make it he damn well better eat it! If he wants to eat junk he can do it on his own time.0 -
Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works20
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mrsloganlife wrote: »Thanks everyone! We chatted over dinner (he ate a little sweet potato) about what we wanted from each other. He did admit he has lost total motivation the last few weeks and we agreed that I will continue doing what I do and we will buy him some sides and snacks when he doesn't want what I make (which is usually my sides he loves the main dishes haha). Communication--its great when it works
That's awesome! (or "arsing" according to autocorrect).
With that happy news I will now attempt to go belatedly to sleep.1 -
Glad to hear that y'all talked it out. That was exactly what needed to happen. Weight loss is a very individual thing and something each person must commit to on their own. Also, I can assure you that the quickest way to keep a man from doing something is try and force him to do it. You do you and if it is something he is willing to commit to, he will eventually follow you.0
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My grandpa always said:
A man convinced against his will
is of the same opinion still
He's probably taking your diagnosis hard. Just keep doing what you're doing for yourself and have compassion for him. Show a lot of wonderment. Like, I wonder what you'd like to eat? I wonder what activity you'd like to do? And then praise, I'd like to thank you for coming along with me.
FYI... I don't have a husband. I've just been trained on how to handle reluctance in children and the disabled. I'm guessing husbands are similar enough?9 -
Two thoughts:
1. Maybe hubby is backing of from weight loss plans to take time to process your diagnosis. Men deal with hardship and grieve things in very different ways than women. Seeming to rebel and withdrawal are some. I'm very sorry about your diagnosis, but taking care of your health is a priority now, with or without his support.
2. He might be ready, but just not to do things your way. He might not like the same foods as you or C25K. My hubby has to start losing weight due to health issues and told his dr he'd follow my plan. But, he won't exercise (I love it) and he says MFP, weighing, measuring, and meal prep is too much work (essential to me). So I guess he won't follow my plan; he needs to find his own and I respect that. Your husband might also need to be left alone to find what works for him in terms of food plan and exercise.
Best wishes to both of you.1 -
As a former smoker and drinker who lives with a smoking drinker I have to say that you've got to do it for yourself...the best you can hope for is that they will see how happy you are in your new life and that a they will want the same for themself.
Also, Chipotle salads/bowls sans cheese and sour cream are not TOO rough on the calorie bank account.
Good luck0
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