Husband advice, please...
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My husband has loved and adored me through a lot of different sized and weights, and I have loved and adored him through a lot of different weights he has had....and one of his favorite "feature" is something that I hope does get smaller as I continue to lose weight- they cause me pain and back problems - and I know he won't be overly thrilled about it, but I know he will love that "feature" no matter what.
More importantly - I would hope that my partner would choose to focus on the "features" I am gaining: more years together, self confidence, me feeling strong and empowered, and setting a good example for our future children. I am not saying that you aren't looking at these things, but they should be more of a focus than the "feature" you are fond of disappearing.3 -
ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.
There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.
The only "point" you made here is that a married person should definitely not feel free to improve their fitness or health. At this stage in a relationship physical appearance should not be so important that either person should fear driving their spouse away because their "assets" have been reduced. My husband is a fat slob. He looks like he is about 15 months pregnant with a baby elephant. But That would never be a reason end the marriage or go outside the marriage. Physical appearance is not the most important part of a marriage. If it is then there is something wrong.
To answer your above comment, it has never been stated that she was losing weight in an unhealthy manner. He simply misses certain features she used to have.
I think it is great that you are still attracted to him, despite you seeing him as a "fat slob".
He is obese, lays around all day, eats all during the day and night. Yep. That's a fat slob. His fitness has been known to wax and wane. When he wants to he gets in very good shape, when he is lazy he gets in very poor shape. I did not marry his shape.
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I have a question about my wife's fitness goals. I love her and I am very attracted to her. I am very proud of her for getting back in shape. However, is it possible for a husband to be supportive and selfish at the same time? There are certain "features" that are disappearing that I am kinda missing. I don't want anyone to think I am not attracted to my wife or anything. How do I approach her and tell her to maybe slow down while still being supportive and proud of her? Thanks
@RayReed15 How about asking her about her "why power"; why she works towards her goals? Where I'm headed with this...what if her "why" is to look awesome for you, but she's getting her ideal body type from somewhere other than your head?0 -
So let me tell you from a wife's perspective. My husband and I have been together 12 years. Before I had my son, I was skinny fat, unhealthy but skinny. I still thought I was fat and all in all, I was just normal. My husband would joke and say I needed to put on a little weight because he could see my hip bones. Flash forward to having a kid, PPD and massive medication that aided in gaining 60 pounds. I felt awful so I lost weight and got in the best shape of my life (with still more to go). I am FINALLY in the normal range for BMI but still nowhere near where I should be. I no longer really have an end weight goal but getting fit goal for my body and he has said that I am getting too skinny again. We talked and he understands its my body and he often says things without thinking (as do I) but trust me from the chick side that if she is like me, then she starts to feel conflicted in wanting to be attractive to the person she loves vs. feeling good about herself and being healthy. So do not do it.0
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she might be missing some of those features also, why does the boobs have to be the first to go?0
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Chippyfunyuns wrote: »Chippyfunyuns wrote: »I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.
There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.
He has every right to tell her what he is attracted to but he has no right to tell her to slow down with her weight loss because he likes her body a certain way. Its not his body...its hers.
For the sake of argument, if she is losing weight in an unhealthy manner, he is to keep his mouth shut?
For arguments sake...no he has a right to say something if he is concerned for her health. He has a right to tell her he likes big boobs and big *kitten*. If she is doing it a healthy way...which the OP made to reference to her doing it otherwise....he doesn't have a right to ask her to slow down with weight loss because he is disappointed that her boobs and big *kitten* are getting smaller.
For arguments sake....We were great until you grew that beard. Now it gives me beard rash on my thighs. Cut it off for me, will ya? Is this fair?
Tell him to oil it more often. Problem solved.
Oil what?0 -
jjewell1981 wrote: »His butt, my butt got smaller. People used to love my big butt. No one ever notices anymore. My pants fall off all the time. People point, laugh and whisper. My poor lost bum. I miss old bummy.
Same for my husband. He's made comments. I don't say anything. I don't necessarily miss it, but I can tell he does. Everyone notices his weight loss and it makes him feel good. I just buy him new pants to make him feel good and so his pants aren't falling off his butt.
Also, I'm glad you won't say anything RayReed1515. I was always told I had a big butt and I love my butt and think thighs. But when I was a cardio bot in college my now husband told me I was losing my butt and should do stairs to make sure I built it. I remember this almost 12 years later. Made me even want to get revenge on him when he started to lose his butt by making a comment. Not a good look on my part or his part.3 -
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I find the idea of growing old with the person you love to be romantic. Whether or not I believe in the institution of marriage is insignificant. They do not need to go hand in hand to occur. But there is a difference between a person's looks changing with time, over many years together, and a relatively immediate change.
Sometimes as we age we begin to resemble our partner.
All of the frowning and despair sets the wrinkles like concrete.... and it's mutual.2 -
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I have a question about my wife's fitness goals. I love her and I am very attracted to her. I am very proud of her for getting back in shape. However, is it possible for a husband to be supportive and selfish at the same time? There are certain "features" that are disappearing that I am kinda missing. I don't want anyone to think I am not attracted to my wife or anything. How do I approach her and tell her to maybe slow down while still being supportive and proud of her? Thanks
If you love her for her then her outward appearance shouldn't matter. Not being rude just saying. My husband has seen me at my goal weight and at my highest weight and still loved me, the person. Focus on her not her outward appearance and that will help some.1 -
Dude, you're going to lose your features before she loses hers.2
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ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.
There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.
The only "point" you made here is that a married person should definitely not feel free to improve their fitness or health. At this stage in a relationship physical appearance should not be so important that either person should fear driving their spouse away because their "assets" have been reduced. My husband is a fat slob. He looks like he is about 15 months pregnant with a baby elephant. But That would never be a reason end the marriage or go outside the marriage. Physical appearance is not the most important part of a marriage. If it is then there is something wrong.
To answer your above comment, it has never been stated that she was losing weight in an unhealthy manner. He simply misses certain features she used to have.
I think it is great that you are still attracted to him, despite you seeing him as a "fat slob".
... I did not marry his shape.
But you did not look at him and say to yourself, "I really like the way his sense of humor looks in that shirt." Or, "I love the way his intelligence fills out those jeans." You were attracted to a physical attribute. You then fell in love with the qualities that make him who he is. That is what you married.
The OP said that there are certain "features" that are disappearing that he's missing and asked how to approach her about it. You do not have to be John Nash to figure out that if those features are removed, he WILL be less attracted to his wife. It does not mean he will stop loving her.
Wow! You were THERE? SMH.... Actually looks are what bring initial attraction, but that is not what holds interest. A man needs more than a handsome face or attractive body to win my heart. Speaking of all that other BS you mention, when we met over 25 years ago he was so skinny he had to run around in the shower to get wet. He was SO skinny he definitely didn't fill out any pants. Sex was actually really bad too. It was like crawling in bed with a bag of sticks. And I am not attracted to skinny guys. I think a man looks best with a little meat on his bones but not so much that he is over weight. Healthy in other words. His physical appearance was really not that much to look at. Do with that what you will.
And no, this OP may not necessarily be "less attracted to his wife". But that's not something you will understand. You are a lot like this other fella who used to come around preaching and arguing about physical appearance A LOT. One may wonder if you are that very one. I wouldn't be surprised to find out you were.2 -
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Wow! So many well thought out responses. I have definitely learned a lot. Thanks so much. Again, my wife is awesome and super-hot. I am proud of her. I don't post much on here, but I do appreciate all the great feedback.4
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cfritchley26 wrote: »My husband has loved and adored me through a lot of different sized and weights, and I have loved and adored him through a lot of different weights he has had....and one of his favorite "feature" is something that I hope does get smaller as I continue to lose weight- they cause me pain and back problems - and I know he won't be overly thrilled about it, but I know he will love that "feature" no matter what.
More importantly - I would hope that my partner would choose to focus on the "features" I am gaining: more years together, self confidence, me feeling strong and empowered, and setting a good example for our future children. I am not saying that you aren't looking at these things, but they should be more of a focus than the "feature" you are fond of disappearing.
Great point and thank you. Everything you mentioned gaining is what makes me so proud of my wife. Thanks again.2
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