Husband advice, please...

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  • abrubru
    abrubru Posts: 137 Member
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    Another poster said chances are that she is noticing the changes as well. These changes are hard for all people to go through--it's like aging--all of a sudden parts are longer or flatter or have hangy skin. Love should be unconditional, and noone can control how they lose weight. First and foremost your wife needs reassurance and love and support.
    However, if you are a weight lifter and your wife has never lifted, AND you have great communication without blaming or anger, you could ask her if she wants to learn to lift. Dead-lift is a great butt builder, and chest press can build the pectoral muscle behind the breast to make them look larger (or perkier). There are ways to work around body changes without making someone feel less than what they are or shaming them.
  • Whit_88
    Whit_88 Posts: 36 Member
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    I agree with everyone else, don't tell her. About 4 years ago I was on MFP and had tremendous success, I went from 180 pounds to 136 and felt amazing. Then my family started to tell me I was losing too much, I looked sick etc I overlooked all of them and their comments until my husband said that he missed this or that and that I had lost too much. It broke me. Here I am, again, Now 205 pounds. I feel terrible and don't even know how to get started again. Be supportive of her, help her and always tell her how proud you are of her hard work. Spouses have no clue how much their support and respect means when trying to make these types of changes.
  • Savage__AF
    Savage__AF Posts: 96 Member
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    Whit_88 wrote: »
    I agree with everyone else, don't tell her. About 4 years ago I was on MFP and had tremendous success, I went from 180 pounds to 136 and felt amazing. Then my family started to tell me I was losing too much, I looked sick etc I overlooked all of them and their comments until my husband said that he missed this or that and that I had lost too much. It broke me. Here I am, again, Now 205 pounds. I feel terrible and don't even know how to get started again. Be supportive of her, help her and always tell her how proud you are of her hard work. Spouses have no clue how much their support and respect means when trying to make these types of changes.

    I'm sorry to hear this, it's terrible. You'll find your path again and get to where you want to be. Never listen to what someone else wants you to be.
  • EZDUZIT68
    EZDUZIT68 Posts: 1,168 Member
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    I think all of the responses here are on target and I agree 100%.

    Having said that, I can't help but wonder what the reaction would be if it were the wife asking about her husband?
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
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    My reaction would be the same. Why wouldn't it be? Be positive, be sensitive, be encouraging. That's basic human decency. But in all honesty...what would a man lose that a wife would miss? Love handles? Moobs?
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    edited March 2017
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    You are about to step in a bee hive sir. This is one of those things you should definitely NOT do! The only time you should attempt to thwart a weight loss or diet and exercise effort is if it is dangerous. And right now the only thing dangerous is what you are considering. You can't change her new body but you can change the way you see it. I think you need to keep it to yourself. Unless of course you want to hurt her feelings, make her angry, sad, confused, resentful or even induce the, "I won't be attractive no matter what I do!" mentality. You risk highlighting that which she could possibly be silently worrying about.

    Just step back.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited March 2017
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    We have been married for a very long time and at our age and where we both were prior, everything is related to health. The aspects of how we 'look' is secondary to everything else, unconditional love does not put requirements on the outer self.

    Chalk this up to being a selfish cause it goes much deeper the older you get with your spouse or SO. I might punchy throat mine if he did this to me. Think about how he would feel if I did this to him?
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    As many have said, you have no right to tell her how to keep her body looking. On the same coin, she has no right to be upset when you look for those features in another woman.

    You have got to be joking. Are you suggesting that by losing weight and getting in shape that the vows of marriage and expectation of fidelity have been forfeited? What do you have to even begin to defend that comment?
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    edited March 2017
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    The only "point" you made here is that a married person should definitely not feel free to improve their fitness or health. At this stage in a relationship physical appearance should not be so important that either person should fear driving their spouse away because their "assets" have been reduced. My husband is a fat slob. He looks like he is about 15 months pregnant with a baby elephant. But That would never be a reason end the marriage or go outside the marriage. Physical appearance is not the most important part of a marriage. If it is then there is something wrong.

    To answer your above comment, it has never been stated that she was losing weight in an unhealthy manner. He simply misses certain features she used to have.
  • jbirdgreen
    jbirdgreen Posts: 569 Member
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    Chippyfunyuns wrote: »
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    He has every right to tell her what he is attracted to but he has no right to tell her to slow down with her weight loss because he likes her body a certain way. Its not his body...its hers.

    For the sake of argument, if she is losing weight in an unhealthy manner, he is to keep his mouth shut?

    In my opinion, no. That's health related, not image related. The same way you can tell your spouse that he/she is gaining too much weight.. This is for people who are about to be morbidly obese or extremely overweight, not who have just gained 10-15 lbs of holiday weight.

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