How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

lucypstacy

This may seem like an odd question, but I have an issue with my father when comes to my weight and trying to do something better for myself. My father is older, and I go to clean his house, take him to doctor's appointments, etc. Literally, I'm the only reason he can live on his own. However, he is one of the most negative people in my life - especially when it comes to my weight. If he thinks I'm trying to lose weight, he starts laughing and telling me how I'll only fail. He criticizes everything I eat, and I mean everything. One time, I was snacking on a few baby carrots, and he started telling me that was why I was so fat. Now, he has this thing where he wants us to go out to eat, but then he constantly talks about everything I eat. No matter what I eat, I'm eating way too fast and eating twice as much as him. It's to the point, I won't eat around him, which really messes up any sort of schedule on the days I'm around him. Plus, this isn't a new thing or something that happened when he got older. He's always been like this. He used to buy me laxatives and tell me to take twice the recommended dose so I wouldn't gain weight since, "...no man wants a fat woman."

I can't just walk away from him because he needs me, and he's still my dad. I'm doing my best not to stress eat after I see him, and I think I'm doing better. I was with him yesterday, and I didn't go home and splurge. Of course, because we were out all day, I did eat a sandwich, and he had to make a joke about how much I love to eat.

Honestly, I'm not sure there's much I can do. I'm trying to just tell myself not to listen to him. Too bad I'm having trouble listening to myself on that one.

Anyone in a similar situation? Advice?

cityruss

Apple cider vinegar.

VioletRojo

I don't deal with toxic people at all. I don't have space in my life for people who treat me badly.

BlueSkyShoal

I dunno, if he's been this way all his life (i.e. this isn't a personality change due to mental disease, which I know does happen to some people) then personally I think you should walk away.

You could give him one more chance, flat out tell him "It is disrespectful when you do this, this, and this. If you do not stop, you are going to have to find someone else to drive you around."

You deserve respect. Instead you are dealing with a jerk who is constantly trying to make you feel horrible about yourself.

lucypstacy

He's still my dad, and I'm the only person he has now. I feel bad enough that I dread going around him.

He's literally on the phone now. I just let him talk to me. It makes him feel better. I don't listen to a lot of what he says on the phone.

inertiastrength

I would have put him in a home personally. If he must talk about what you eat and why you're so fat I'd probably say something like "is talking about what I eat and my weight really how you want to use the time you have left?" your dad sounds like an emotional abuser and "he's my dad" wouldn't cut it for me as a reason to put up with it.

msf74

Is there a possibility that you could get a carer to shoulder some of the load / give you a break?

I think it's an amazing thing what you are doing but it can become very draining so getting more time for yourself will help matters.

kittybenn

I'd say Dad is treading on thin ice mistreating the only person who's making it possible for him to stay in his home. It seems like you have a lot of power in the situation and I would use it. Of course, you can't abandon him completely but I would make it clear that you're going to limit your time with him and/or leave if he doesn't stop making hurtful comments like that. And he deserves to be told in advance that that's how you feel and that it needs to stop. And then mean it. So, for example, if you're out to dinner with him and he starts in, get up and leave. See ya, Dad. Make sure you download the Uber app so you can get home. Sheesh. My heart goes out to you.

lucypstacy

Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

kittybenn

You can't change him apparently, but you can change you. That's the power you DO have. How about using the word "no" a lot more? Like, no, I'm not taking you to a steakhouse tomorrow, because you're so unpleasant to be with. Anytime you want to change that let me know and we can resume going out to eat.

inertiastrength

lucypstacy wrote: »

Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

That was my first thought when I read your post; narcissistic personality disorder but this is the internet and drugstore psych diagnosis and all... sorry you have to deal with that.

lucypstacy

The problem with getting people to help him is that he thinks he knows more than them. He went to a doctor recently who told him he needed more exercise because he's starting to have trouble walking due to his weight and gout. He said that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. He is going to physical therapy now, but he won't do the exercises at home. I try to get him to go out and do more, although it's difficult. He likes fishing, so I can at least get him to go to the lake.

I'm not sure why I feel this responsible. I guess it's because I'm his only child. He was also the youngest in his family, so they're mostly gone, and he never connected with his nieces or nephews. This all really started last November. He had sepsis so bad that it had affected his mind, and I drove to his house (at that time he lived like 100 miles away) and took him to the hospital. They wanted to stick him in a veteran's nursing home, but I didn't want that. I didn't think his confused state was permanent (it wasn't), and I'd heard horrible things about that nursing home. Since then, he moved closer. I'm supposed to go to his house once a week, but I'm there 3-4. Last night he called after six to tell him his second ex-wife (my former stepmother not my mom) was in the hospital and he was worried about his dog because his ex's brother wants to get rid of her. I drove him up there to get the dog and ended up at walmart at midnight buying dog food. I didn't get home until after 2am. That's really typical for him.

He tells people I'm a bad daughter all the time, so I know I should walk away, but I really can't do that.

VioletRojo

You don't have to walk away, but you can limit your exposure. You don't have to run over every time he calls. You don't have to take him out to dinner just because he wants to go. If you really wants to go somewhere, he'll find a way to get there himself. I would do only the bare minimum and tell him exactly why I'm cutting back.

jemhh

In general, I don't allow people like this in my life. That includes a parent who acts like this.

You need to minimize what you do for him. It's not your job to be abused so that he can live on his own. Let him pay for help. Being catered to for free gives him no incentive to be nicer.

enterdanger

fascha wrote: »

I would have put him in a home personally. If he must talk about what you eat and why you're so fat I'd probably say something like "is talking about what I eat and my weight really how you want to use the time you have left?" your dad sounds like an emotional abuser and "he's my dad" wouldn't cut it for me as a reason to put up with it.

I like you. That was my answer too.

Seriously though OP. If you feel the need to be around him you can't expect him to change his behavior. It's just not realistic. You can only change yours. If you usually let it slide, why not say "Dad, stop being a turd. Mind your own business about my weight and food." After that, I'd simply refuse to acknowledge any of his hurtful comments.

wildb1

This really comes down to: "How do you want to spend your life energy?" Any answer is OK, as long as you are making it. I feel for you.. I have had to and am still working on "Asking for what I want in life". It is not easy and requires constant work and attention. I wish you the best if you choose to take on this challenge.

Blessings...

msf74

lucypstacy wrote: »

I'm not sure why I feel this responsible

Because you are his child and you can't help but love him and feel a sense of duty even though you recognise his nature? You're a kind human being.

I think you may have to accept that if he doesn't allow help at home he will eventually end up in a nursing home. He'll have a fall, have repeat infections, end up in hospital and at some point medically it won't be safe for him to go back to his own home.

Getting help is in his interests as well as yours.

pinuplove

lucypstacy wrote: »

Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

Dad: blah blah blah
You: mmhmm, all right, I see..

Dad: blah blah blah
You: mmhmm, that's your opinion, hmm ok..

Dad: I want you to take me out for a steak dinner tomorrow night.
You: I already have plans for tomorrow evening. See you *next scheduled date*

I can understand how you might feel obligated to see that he gets to his doctor appointments, has food in the house, and doesn't drown in his own bathtub. That doesn't extend to tolerating verbal abuse or providing steak dinners. I'm sorry

lucypstacy

I know he won't change. Only I can change. It's not always easy because this has been a life long struggle. When I tell him to back off, that's when I get the comments about how I'm mean and hateful. Honestly, I do have a shorter temper when I'm with him because I'm already on edge.

I just can't let him derail me.

kshama2001

lucypstacy wrote: »

Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

What if I Want to Continue the Relationship?

FIVE DON'T DO'S
How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

1. Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
2. Never offer him any intimacy;
3. Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
4. Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
5. Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) ..."

You get the gist of it.

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

fmoga

I don't have much for helpful advice, but I'm so, so, sorry you're dealing with this. That would scar so many people. If it were me, I would probably get counselling to help with coping with his behaviour and not allow it to sabotage or distract my mental efforts.